“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” –Thich Nhat Hanh
You can boost self esteem instantly (even if you hate yourself) if you get to the root of what caused it in the first place.
How you show up is a reflection of your self-image.
Can you look in the mirror and say, “I love you!! You are the greatest thing since sliced bread!!”?
You might be squirming and thinking…
“Ugh!! No, I can’t say that. I hate the way I look. I hate my hair, I hate my teeth, I’m fat, I’m a loser, I’m ugly, etc.”
You are not alone… there’s an epidemic of self-loathing. Many are living in “quiet desperation”, strangled by their past. Just ask any hairdresser, aesthetician, dermatologist, plastic surgeon and therapist. They know how people really feel about themselves.
It’s not your fault you can’t love yourself… it’s the fault of your negative experiences and messages from caregivers, teachers and peers. These old hurts are buried in the dungeons of your psyche, waiting for you to heal them.
So the #1 surprising secret to stop self-loathing and boost your self-esteem is to dig up the old devaluing experiences… yes… you have to go there… that prevent you from self-love.
When you experienced a negative event – such as the embarrassing time-out in the hallway in second grade – you erroneously acquired a belief that “I am bad” because nobody was there to lovingly reassure you that it’s not you that is bad… it’s your stupid behavior.
You see… your positive and negative core beliefs are usually formed by the age of six.
Core beliefs are the words that follow “I am… “.
For example: “I’m beautiful, I’m ugly, I’m not lovable, I’m not worthy, I’m great, I’m smart, I’ll never amount to anything, I’m chubby, I’m not smart”, etc.
So how do you upgrade these hazardous negative beliefs? Through digging up the original painful nightmares that created them in the first place.
These negative memories are “frozen” in time, buried in your subconscious, strangling you from expressing the real confident, beautiful and unstoppable YOU. They are the reasons why you can’t say, “I love ME!” and they are the reasons why you stupidly self-sabotage whenever you try to up-level your life.
Negative experiences create “frozen parts”. These old frozen parts are waiting for your highest loving self of today to give them the love and reassurances they desperately needed that they never got.
As a result of love from you, these frozen parts will be able to discard the paralyzing erroneous feelings and beliefs for good and you’ll finally believe that you are “lovable, worthy and beautiful”.
These new positive beliefs will also give you the unstoppable confidence and self-esteem to take your life to the next level.
Negative core beliefs are acquired through devaluing experiences, especially before age six.
For example, when you were two-years-old, you felt neglected when your sister was born. You believed that you were unworthy of love and that’s why mom decreased her time with you. You unconsciously held onto the “I’m not worthy of love” belief into adulthood, reinforced by more nightmarish negative experiences.
Why are these negative events processed into negative beliefs at such a young age?
That’s because your brain was in a hypnotic state between the ages of 0-6.
It soaked up every good and bad experience literally. Mom had no idea you were under “hypnosis”. Mom had no idea you felt unloved and rejected when she spent less time with you.
And you, the two-year-old, had no idea how crippling it was for mom to care for more than one child. You thought she neglected you because the baby was more worthy of love.
You may even have thrown horrific temper tantrums to get mom’s attention. If she scolded you, that scolding reinforced the belief that you are bad.
What you really needed when this baby was born was the reassurance that you are a lovable and awesome kid. Mom didn’t have time to do this because of sleep deprivation and overwhelm.
As you got older, because you acquired the belief at two-years-old that you are not lovable, you looked for more negative experiences to reinforce that original unfounded belief.
For example, you let the bullies push you around, or you purposely tested and pushed your significant other away to see if they will come back. If they didn’t come back, that meant that it was true that “I’m not lovable”.
Therefore, old emotional baggage is the reason why you don’t like yourself and are not able to look in the mirror and say, “I love you”.
Old emotional baggage is also why you don’t have enough confidence and self-esteem to take your life to the next level.
Your subconscious is crippled with these old negative memories. These vulnerable memories silently drive your self-sabotaging feelings and behaviors 90% of the time.
If you don’t heal the younger parts of you that hold the faulty beliefs from negative experiences, you will probably be stuck and go through life paralyzed with fear, doubt and distress. In other words, you will live in “quiet desperation”.
And… the scary thing is, these old burdens of shame, guilt, worthless, etc. that contribute to self-hatred, will eventually explode …
- Health and weight issues
- Sleepless nights
- Gambling, etc.
- Relationship issues
- Depression, anxiety, mental meltdown
- Anger, rage
- Low self-esteem
- Lack of confidence
- Resistance and denial
- Going around in circles
- Vague unhappiness to downright misery
- Not living your truths
- Pessimistic about the future
- Living in “quiet desperation”
- People avoiding you because you “suck the energy” out of them
- Going to the grave with regrets
Your mind and body suffer because your “parts” are screaming for your attention because your parts want to rid themselves of poisons from the past.
Your negative thoughts and feelings are creating the realities of your present state of mental and/or physical angst. It’s the mind/body connection thing.
When you make peace with the past through talking to your younger parts, you’ll unconditionally love yourself.
As a result, the mental and physical nightmares listed above will significantly improve or disappear for good. Just about everything else in your life will fall beautifully into place too. And you’ll be able to live life with a “kick in your step”.
If you remain a prisoner of the past, you won’t experience authentic happiness and you won’t get the guts to live to your full potential.
But wait a minute… doesn’t Madison Avenue say that money, fame and material possessions are the keys to love and happiness?
You may have tried these tactics to make yourself happier. As you have probably have experienced, money and “stuff” are not the keys to “happily ever after”. They don’t heal the underlying “dark cloud” issues of shame, guilt, worthlessness, lack of confidence and low self-esteem.
The more you bury your old nightmares, the more miserable you become and you end up going to the grave with regrets. “I shoulda… I coulda… I woulda…”.
Just think of your friends and relatives that are “dying” in front of you with physical, mental and emotional pains because they are still trapped in their “stories”, as if it just happened yesterday. Those toxic stories are literally plunging them into the depths of despair… to a slow and miserable death.
You don’t have to die with regrets.
You can’t change the past but you have the power to heal yourself now and move on. That’s because you don’t need to talk to the person that originally caused you the nightmares.
You only need the most compassionate version of you to heal your vulnerable “parts”. Give them the love and reassurances they never got. You’ll finally believe you are lovable, worthy and enough.
And you’ll stop hating yourself and you’ll be able to look in the mirror and say, “I love you very much. You are the best thing since sliced bread!”
Loving yourself unconditionally will significantly boost your confidence and self-esteem. And, you’ll get the guts to do the scary things to live to your potential and live “happily ever after”.
Emily Filloramo is a Success and Happiness Catalyst. Get unstuck, unleashed and unstoppable through discarding old emotional baggage. Get your free copy of “5 Magic Words to Instantly Feel Better When Someone Pushes Your Buttons” today!
How to Get Sh*t Done will teach you how to zero in on the three areas of your life where you want to excel, and then it will show you how to off-load, outsource, or just stop giving a damn about the rest.