Why Romanticized Love is Destroying Relationships

Divorce rates are currently at 40-50% in the US and even higher for subsequential marriages.

Marriage satisfaction is 58%, so something is not working.

What has gone wrong?

Love is the top reason for people getting married in the USA.

But where did this come from?

We have to start with a history lesson, so buckle up.

Throughout history, marriage used to be an arrangement created to promote the family unit’s survival and safety.

The industrial age changed all that.

As safety increased and resources became independent of the tribal collective to survive, individuality took form.

They didn’t rely on the tribe or family to survive, so the concept of marriage for safety stopped making sense.  

Marriage used to be seen as a duty, not something you did for personal fulfillment or emotional satisfaction.

The new economic realities of the 19th century merged with the ideas that sprung from the Enlightenment about individual rights and the pursuit of happiness, and the result was Romanticism.

The new ideal was to get married for love.

Love was to provide the ever after happiness and feeling of meaning, worthiness, and value that individualization had torn apart when our sense of tribal communities fell apart.

With a lack of social meaning and purpose, we looked for a partner to fill that gap and make us complete.

It wasn’t until the relatively recent 150 years ago that the ever-popular “happily ever after” idea was born.

So, what’s wrong with this new idea of a soulmate everlasting love, you might ask?

Feelings are unreliable, unstable, and not consistent in any way or form.

As wonderful as the drug of oxytocin & dopamine can be, they are nature’s way of making us bond and invested enough to have sex and make babies.

This chemical cocktail only lasts a few months to 2 years max, and then the honeymoon stage is over.

During this stage, you will idolize your partner.

You love that they are so spontaneous. Later you will likely see the same traits as annoying and unreliable.

We see all our partner’s traits positively and even make some up that are not even there.

It’s a state of obsession, and there is a reason it’s been compared to obsessive-compulsive disorder as the chemical imbalance and behavior are similar.

Eventually, the unnatural high from nature meant to draw you together to mate will go away, and now it requires skills and self-awareness to create a much more in-depth and profound love of companionship.

Frequently couples think the love is gone, which means the relationship is over, so they leave to see the next drug of chemical intensity that we call in-love.

Or they accept to live in disappointment and resentment as the data above indicate.

Emotions also don’t tell us anything about long-term compatibility.

We often feel attracted and fall in love with an ideal when we meet someone that unconsciously shows traits we wish we had or that makes us feel seen, accepted, and valued.

Who we fall in love with is also motivated by our attachment style, and so does not indicate in any way that this person is healthy or nurturing for us long term.

The In-love feeling is based on a fantasy.

As we see traits we desire in the other, our brain is designed to create a story based on our desires, expectations, and past experiences.

These stories tend to have an overly optimistic bias setting us up for disappointment because of the chemicals.

We tell ourselves these stories about this person and how perfect they are.

We idealize them and become obsessed with this fantasy.

This is not love.

Love is safety, trust, and seeing you partner in all their glory and mess and accepting them in that space.  

And, that takes time, effort, and a whole lot of growth on both parties.

Our rush to have sex also blurs our vision through chemicals that make us feel connected to people that are not compatible.

We rush to sex because we feel anxious and believe that sex will create the bond and safety we crave and validate that we are desired, wanted, and enough.

As a dating coach, I help people find their most suitable match.

We are all a pain in the a.. to live with.

We have different backgrounds, triggers, goals, expectations, communication styles, attachment styles, love languages, and ideas of roles in a relationship, so there are bound to be many misunderstandings.

If we don’t have the skills to navigate this, it’s bound to go wrong even if we started with a bang and felt we found our soulmate.

Intensity is like a drug, taking us out of everyday life’s mundanity and makes us feel whole, worthy, valuable, and alive. But it is an illusion that will not last.

Slow down and take time to get to know each other.

Focus on what shows compatibility instead of the quick, intense emotions that will mislead you.

I am not stating emotions do not matter, and you should be with someone that makes you feel miserable.

Emotions matter.

My point is that we need to restore the balance between emotions, sensation, and logic.

It’s what neuroscientists call integration, and it’s how we function the best and make good decisions.

There is a reason I recommend premarital counseling. Without these skills, you are leaving love to luck, and as we know, that does not turn out well most of the time. 

Love requires skills.

You got this far; that’s an achievement.

The four skills I teach in couples therapy and that you need to create long-lasting love are

Self-awareness

You won’t get far without self-awareness.

I know the fantasy of romantic love lied and told you that your soulmate should magically know what you need, but let’s be honest. You don’t even know what you need half the time.

Even a mother is wrong 70% of the time with her baby.

You have to become aware of your wounds, triggers, needs, and boundaries so you can communicate these to your partner. This is something I teach people in marriage therapy.

This requires a lot of self-reflection and turning something inwards; we often dread as that could mean meeting some of those uncomfortable emotions when there are no distractions.

Mindfulness, journaling, and therapy are all great tools to expand your self-awareness.

If you don’t understand yourself, how can you expect someone else too?

Regulation

Attachment is two nervous systems linking, and that’s why scientists have found that our close attachments impact our nervous system far more than those we are not connected to.

When relationships go to hell and back then, it’s because our brain and nervous system have been hijacked by fight or flight, and we are not to toddlers fighting it out.

No chance that will end well.

Being able to restore calm in ourselves and our partner, so our adult brain comes online is imperative to mature love and longevity of your relationship. 

Vulnerability

The essence of intimacy is our inherent need to be seen and accepted.

As we grow up, we learn quickly to adapt and hide parts of ourselves to get acceptance from our parents’ teachers and peers.

Once we find a partner that can allow us to show these parts and be accepted, we feel an immense connection and love.

I call it coming home.

Responsiveness

How we respond to our partner sets the foundation for safety and love.

Emotional attunement

Is how we can tune in to our partner’s emotional world and seek to understand their experience?

The old saying, “do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?” is valid.

If your partner ends up agreeing with you, but at the expense of their self-worth or humiliation, then you both lose.

Being right is also subjective as we all have different expectations and values of how the world should function, so no one is ever right. We just have different experiences.

Seek to understand your partner’s experience with questions such as.

How did you feel when…?

Attachment reassurance

This is perhaps the most important skill that I work with couples as a relationship coach.

Love flourishes when we feel safe, and it dies when we feel unsafe.

Knowing your partner’s and your attachment style and making each other feel safe is paramount to nurturing lasting love.

Turn towards each other

When we have conflict, tension, or stress, we either turn away from each other or towards each other.

Turn away is when we attack, blame, criticize, or disengage. They create a disconnect, resentment and slowly break a bond.

Turning towards is when we engage and try to understand our partner’s experience and find win/win solutions.

To do this, you first have to regulate, so you are calm.

Acceptance

Vulnerability turns into intimacy when it’s met with acceptance.

Similar intimacy dies when met with judgment.

So, if you feel judgement, look at what makes you judgmental.

Are you scared or fearful of something?

Does what your partner express make you feel inferior or not good enough?

Once you heal yourself, you can meet the world with acceptance, and acceptance does not mean you have to give your partner everything they need or want.

It just means you accept their experience and needs as valid.

Thomas is the Founder of Zensensa.com the leading institute for intimacy. A dating coachrelationship coachconfidence coach. Provides couples therapyrelationship counseling & marriage therapy


GET THE BOOK BY
ERIN FALCONER!

Erin shows overscheduled, overwhelmed women how to do less so that they can achieve more. Traditional productivity books—written by men—barely touch the tangle of cultural pressures that women feel when facing down a to-do list. How to Get Sh*t Done will teach you how to zero in on the three areas of your life where you want to excel, and then it will show you how to off-load, outsource, or just stop giving a damn about the rest.

49 Responses to Why Romanticized Love is Destroying Relationships

  1. filfcnzmv says:

    ничего особенного
    _________________
    [url=https://tr.topgamesmoneycom.xyz/5257]you win voice [/url]

  2. זה לא קאובוי – זו המטופלת הלוהטת של הדוקטור שמזיין אותה על מיטת החולים בחדר הטיפולים
    נערות ליווי בתל אביב

  3. Looking for private psychotherapy in Ontario? At Being therapy we strive to provide private psychotherapy that will help you to improve your emotional wellbeing.
    https://www.beingtherapy.ca/services/private-psychotherapy/

  4. Incredible! This blog lo?ks exactly ?ike my o?d one!
    It’s on a totally d?fferent subject b?t it ?as pretty muc?
    t?e ?ame layout ?nd design. Outstanding choice ?f colors!

  5. berkey says:

    I was curious if you ever considered changing the page layout of your website? Its very well written; I love what youve got to say. But maybe you could a little more in the way of content so people could connect with it better. Youve got an awful lot of text for only having one or two pictures. Maybe you could space it out better?|

  6. run 3 says:

    This topic is very interesting and I am interested but do not know where to find, thankfully you create this topic, hope everyone will help me

  7. As I find my self, in the diary of Jane. Do you guys remember this song? It is pretty awesome, isn’t it?

  8. directions says:

    Great post. give me lots of useful information about love. I am waiting for new articles from you.
    mapquest directions

  9. greyasanna greyasanna says:

    If you want to make a first impression on an Asian bride for sale, then contact the marriage service and find out more information about the single woman you like. Thus, you will have something to talk about. You should also asian wife finder understand that it is better to talk about general topics on the first date. Do not ask personal questions in the first meeting.

  10. thanks for sharing such an attractive info with USA. Please keep Sharing.

  11. Mayketor says:

    I agree, feeling can be very fickle, so expecting everyone to love each other for 20 years is just not realistic. That’s why people prefer quick online chats to meet a lot of new people. I found a very cute black girl on https://www.iwantblacks.com recently, and it looks like we’re about to hit it off. I don’t know if I will be loving her in a year or two, but you should enjoy good things while they last.

  12. Hi there. I think someone might have already mentioned the problem. The option to create a link to a website through a comment doesn’t do your website a favour. I’m showing you the way this works and I would advise to remove the option to do so.

  13. Hi there! Your site seems quite good and the info that is shared is really interersting, however, as someone who works in SEO, I just wanted to advise you to consider working out a problem that I’ve just noticed. The option to create a link to a website through a comment really doesn’t do your website a favour. I’m showing you the way this works and I would advise to remove the option to do so. This would eventually help your website do better!

  14. DeCatastrophe Pas says:

    Hello

  15. Karen says:

    The best one-night stand websites are distinct in that anyone who signs up is aware of the site’s primary goal: to link people looking for love on https://thaiwomen.org/. If you receive messages from people looking for marriage partners or who want to start a serious relationship, you should not be worried. However, some one-night stand website reviews say that finding love on these sites is difficult.

  16. Anonymous says:

    Hi , whats app?

  17. I am having issues installing the game from Torrenet. Torrent says its downloading at a high rate

  18. Whizzinator says:

    There are numerous advantages that people can get by implementing The whizzinator touch kit, and the initial advantage is that individuals can handily beat the urinating tests. Folks will need numerous things to take advantage of the fake dick, like, heat pads, syringe, Fake pee, belt, and even more. Much better is to click here https://greycipher.com/read-blog/9431_proper-and-valuable-knowledge-about-the-whizzinator.html or go to our endorsed site to find out more relating to The whizzinator.

  19. Sheila B Mello says:

    Hi, I also want to know why romanticized love is destroying relationships. My father is thinking about starting a new business ecommerce and before that, I have to make ecommerce business plan. I was searching for it on google. I hope I will find it soon.

  20. Lux says:

    Луксозни сервизи за хранене
    Турски сервизи за хранене
    Красиви сервизи за храна

  21. Goody Professional SA is a company that provides training for people who want to work in the food industry. They offer courses for both the front-of-house and back-of-house positions, as well as culinary training courses. Culinary ingredients supplier in Saudi Arabia such as Goody Professional provide all kinds of culinary trainings.

  22. uNbUXU says:

    567uNbUXU!`(

  23. Debbie Prather says:

    Senior singles tend to be more realistic about love. They have a better understanding of what it takes to maintain a lasting relationship and are more likely to approach dating with the intention of finding a committed partner. Senior singles source. are also less likely to buy into the romanticized notion of love as something that is perfect and effortless

  24. contexto says:

    When in love, everyone expects their love story to be romantic.

  25. porn says:

    Thanks for revealing your ideas. One thing is that learners have a selection between fed student loan and also a private education loan where it really is easier to decide on student loan debt consolidation reduction than with the federal education loan.

  26. Rahul says:

    Every individual yearns for a romantic love story when they fall in love.

  27. Khjh says:

    Nice article helpful for me

  28. pou game says:

    It’s important to consider the problem of idealized love damaging relationships, and I hope that many people will read this post.

  29. Manoj says:

    This is great and awsome post for me. i loved to read your blog. it’s really-really amazing. thanks for inspired me by your blog.Aadhar Link to Ration Card 2023

  30. uHindi says:

    Nice content thanks for sharing with us

  31. contexto says:

    The issues are outlined in great depth, and everything is quite transparent and honest. There is no question that having the information is advantageous. Is my website incredibly lucrative in terms of sales? Please look at the following:

  32. Just want to say than you for this great article and i really appreciate your hardwork.
    Undress AI WEbsites

  33. George Mark says:

    Such an interesting article here. I was searching for something like that for quite a long time and at last I have found it here. Princess Diana Eagles Varsity Jacket

  34. hitactress says:

    thank you dear for this tips
    hitactress

  35. RobertirraR says:

    Скрытая сеть, это, анонимную, платформу, на, сети, доступ к которой, реализуется, по средствам, специальные, софт плюс, технические средства, обеспечивающие, конфиденциальность участников. Один из, этих, средств, считается, браузер Тор, который обеспечивает, обеспечивает, защищенное, подключение, к сети Даркнет. Используя, его, сетевые пользователи, могут иметь возможность, безопасно, посещать, веб-сайты, не отображаемые, обычными, поисковыми сервисами, позволяя таким образом, среду, для организации, разнообразных, нелегальных действий.

    Кракен, в результате, часто ассоциируется с, скрытой сетью, как, площадка, для торговли, криминалитетом. На этом ресурсе, есть возможность, получить доступ к, различные, непозволительные, услуги, начиная с, наркотических средств и огнестрельного оружия, вплоть до, хакерскими услугами. Система, предоставляет, высокий уровень, шифрования, и также, анонимности, это, делает, данную систему, желанной, для, намерен, избежать, преследований, со стороны соответствующих законопослушных органов.

  36. Rusty says:

    Страхотни порцеланови сервизи за хранене 24 части
    Сервизи за хранене от порцелан 24 части>/a>

  37. Peterkes says:

    Теневые рынки и их незаконные деятельности представляют важную угрозу безопасности общества и являются объектом внимания правоохранительных органов по всему миру. В данной статье мы обсудим так называемые теневые рынки, где возможно покупать поддельные паспорта, и какие угрозы это несет для граждан и государства.

    Теневые рынки представляют собой закулисные интернет-площадки, на которых торгуется разнообразной противозаконной продукцией и услугами. Среди этих услуг встречается и продажа фальшивых документов, таких как паспорта. Эти рынки оперируют в теневой сфере интернета, используя криптографию и неизвестные платежные системы, чтобы оставаться незаметными для правоохранительных органов.

    Покупка поддельного паспорта на теневых рынках представляет важную угрозу национальной безопасности. незаконное завладение личных данных, подделка документов и нелегальные идентификационные материалы могут быть использованы для совершения террористических актов, обмана и других преступлений.

    Правоохранительные органы в различных странах активно борются с подпольными рынками, проводя акции по выявлению и задержанию тех, кто замешан в противозаконных операциях. Однако, по мере того как технологии становятся более сложными, эти рынки могут адаптироваться и находить новые способы обхода законов.

    Для защиты себя от угроз, связанных с подпольными рынками, важно проявлять бдительность при обработке своих индивидуальных данных. Это включает в себя остерегаться фишинговых атак, не делиться личной информацией в недоверенных источниках и регулярно проверять свои финансовые данные.

    Кроме того, общество должно быть осознавшим риски и последствия покупки поддельных документов. Это способствует формированию осознанного и ответственного отношения к вопросам безопасности и поможет в борьбе с подпольными рынками. Поддержка законодательства, направленных на ужесточение наказаний за производство и сбыт фальшивых документов, также представляет важную составляющую в противодействии этим преступлениям

  38. FrancisHug says:

    Использование банковских карт является неотъемлемым компонентом современного общества. Карты предоставляют легкость, секретность и разнообразные варианты для проведения банковских транзакций. Однако, кроме легального использования, существует негативная сторона — вывод наличных средств, когда карты используются для снятия денег без одобрения владельца. Это является незаконной практикой и влечет за собой строгие санкции.

    Вывод наличных средств с карт представляет собой практики, направленные на извлечение наличных средств с карты, необходимые для того, чтобы обойти систему безопасности и уведомлений, предусмотренных банком. К сожалению, такие преступные действия существуют, и они могут привести к материальным убыткам для банков и клиентов.

    Одним из способов вывода наличных средств является использование технологических трюков, таких как кража данных с магнитных полос карт. Скимминг — это техника, при котором преступники устанавливают устройства на банкоматах или терминалах оплаты, чтобы считывать информацию с магнитной полосы пластиковой карты. Полученные данные затем используются для изготовления дубликата карты или проведения интернет-транзакций.

    Другим обычным приемом является ловушка, когда злоумышленники отправляют недобросовестные письма или создают ненастоящие веб-ресурсы, имитирующие банковские ресурсы, с целью сбора конфиденциальных данных от клиентов.

    Для противостояния выводу наличных средств банки принимают различные меры. Это включает в себя улучшение систем безопасности, внедрение двухфакторной аутентификации, анализ транзакций и подготовка клиентов о методах предотвращения мошенничества.

    Клиентам также следует проявлять активность в обеспечении безопасности своих карт и данных. Это включает в себя периодическое изменение паролей, анализ выписок из банка, а также бдительность к подозрительным операциям.

    Вывод наличных средств — это тяжкое преступление, которое причиняет урон не только финансовым учреждениям, но и обществу в целом. Поэтому важно соблюдать внимание при работе с банковскими картами, быть знакомым с методами предупреждения мошенничества и соблюдать профилактические меры для предотвращения утраты средств

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.