Why What Other People Say and Do is Not About You

It always helps to remember that what other people say and do is not about you.

Everyone is just projecting their inner space into their outer world.

The way a person thinks and feels in any moment inclines their choices, behavior, actions and the words that they speak. Other people are then on the receiving end of that.


If you can logically see how your own words and actions are not about other people, then you will much more easily be able to see that what others say and do is not about you either.

For example, if you’re feeling good and you’re around someone who is negative, you’re still often capable of letting it go and staying positive, you may even notice you’re able to be more patient and tolerant of them because you feel good. But, on the flip-side, if you’re feeling terrible and you’re around someone who is really positive, you might still let out negativity around them or get frustrated with them, even if they are being nice and it’s a calm situation. This is because you don’t feel good.

In both scenarios, how you are thinking and feeling is defining what you project toward the other person. It is not about them.

Your thinking/feeling cycle (nothing to do with anyone else) drives your choices, behavior, actions, and the words you speak. And if that thinking/feeling cycle is negative in any one moment, and you are not consciously aware enough to interrupt yourself and choose differently, then that is what comes out of you.

This doesn’t deny the fact that people can absolutely trigger you, pushing your hot buttons, leading you to think and feel negatively. Yet irrespective of that, anything you project out into the world or at other people is still coming directly and purely from your inner space – coming out of your beliefs, thoughts and feelings, conveyed in behavior, words and actions.

No one else controls you. No one controls what you think or how you feel. That is your domain.

That inner space you hold is founded upon an accumulation of experiences and understanding built up over your entire life to date – everything you have come to believe, which makes up your “paradigm” (your model of reality) – the lens through which you see yourself, life and other people. You then perceive, interpret, think, feel and react/respond to life around you according to that lens. That has nothing to do with other people. What you say and do is not about other people, not even when they trigger you. Your habitual ways of behaving, any judgement, criticism or hurt that comes out of you toward others, is not about them. It is a projection of your paradigm into the world around you.


If you can logically see that this is true for you, then you can also see it is true for everyone else too.

What other people say and do is not about you either. You might trigger them, but their beliefs, thoughts and feeling are inclining their choices, behavior, words and actions, which is all about them and the paradigm they live from, being projected outward or at you.


We live in a highly reactionary world. Someone does something or says something as a projection of their inner space, another person feels triggered and reacts. From the triggering of their inner space and negative reaction, they then trigger someone else, who in turn also reacts, and this ripples out with more and more people being triggered and reacting.

We so easily get upset about what someone else said or did, taking that behavior personally, taking the look on someone’s face, what they did or didn’t do, and making it mean something about ourselves.

Many people are simply trying to get through each day, while feeling like everything going on around them is about them, perhaps even seeing evidence in each interaction, look they receive or word they hear, as being a personal attack.

Our “personality selves” (egos) get very affected by others. If we can rise above that thinking, and instead remember what is REALLY going on, then there is a chance for greater peace and flow – individually and collectively.


The next time someone says or does something and you feel triggered, take a deep breath and say to yourself , “What others say and do is not about me. I choose not to react. I choose peace.”

The beauty of this awareness and choice, is that when you see someone projecting their inner space e.g. anger, upset, negativity or rudeness, you can remember… if that is what is coming out of them in that moment, then that must be what is IN them in that moment, and how unpleasant that must be for that person!

You can have a little empathy for them. You know what is going on, and you know what it feels like to be in that cycle, because you’ve been there yourself, as we all have!

Our ability to remain detached, aware, and choosing non-reaction, means we don’t dive in and participate in the negativity party of other people, and we break the trigger/reaction cycle in that moment. We serve ourselves and we serve all of humanity at the same time! We chose to cultivate a peace party, to which we invite all others to join. Who knows, the negative person projecting at you might just change their tune in your calm presence, and join the peace party with you!


Bernadette Logue is a Transformation Coach & Author, and the founder of Pinch Me Living.  To free yourself of limiting beliefs and negative thinking, and create a powerful new paradigm, visit Bernadette at www.pinchmeliving.com for her “MASTER YOUR MIND” program online with live classes, and join her Youtube community for daily inspiration and mind liberation.


Erin shows overscheduled, overwhelmed women how to do less so that they can achieve more. Traditional productivity books—written by men—barely touch the tangle of cultural pressures that women feel when facing down a to-do list. How to Get Sh*t Done will teach you how to zero in on the three areas of your life where you want to excel, and then it will show you how to off-load, outsource, or just stop giving a damn about the rest.

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