Relationships can be hard sometimes. Imagine spending the rest of your life in a dull, motionless relationship with someone you can’t stand. Not cool, is it?
When you`re dating, there are lots of reason to take someone home. He`s slick, she`s hot, or you just want to fill the void made by someone else.
Regardless of the reasons, if you date the wrong person you`ll regret it, and it may be too late for it. For that, I`ve made you a list of the top five questions relationship experts believe you should ask before choosing your future wife or hubby. Here they are:
Relationship Question #1: Am I dating for fun or marriage?
“The most prominent dating mistake is to look for a fling instead of a long-term partner,” says Athol Kay, author of The Married Man Sex Life. Once things get serious, and the sex gets a little colder, you`ll begin to worry if your partner is husband/wife material.
Kay believes you should ask the “Is he/she the right person for me?” question early on before shit hits the fan. He recommends that you create a detailed image of your perfect partner. Once you know what you want, go out there and date only those who can come close to your ideal plan.
Want another opinion?
There`s a cool mathematic method you can use to find your perfect match. Matt Parker, the famous author, and mathematic communicator suggests you go out with ten people and pinpoint the one who has rocked your world the most.
And no, you won`t marry this person. You`ll compare him/her with any future date till you find someone who rocks your world even better —that`s your perfect match.
Relationship Question #2: Do they have a healthy relationship with their family?
“Never marry a man who hates his mother because he’ll end up hating you.” – Jill Bennett
Ask yourself, “Do I want to be part of this family?” Says Virginia Gilbert, the Los Angeles-based relationship expert. If it seems like “No,” then maybe you should reconsider your relationship.
Studies suggest that child-parent relationships affect the way we approach love and marriage. One study found that children who experienced high levels of family conflict — parents fighting, worrying about money, abuse, etc. — were likelier to get divorced as adults.
Other studies suggest that a man`s relationship with his mother affects his future affairs significantly: the weaker the bond, the messier his affairs will get.
Relationship Question #3: Am I ready to deal with their emotional baggage?
Everyone has their own baggage but at different intensity.
Wikipedia defines emotional baggage as the act carrying all the disappointments, wrongs, and trauma of the past around. This baggage has many reasons; parental divorce, infidelity, miscarriage, abusive relationships…etc.
Signs of prior emotional baggage can be:
- Projecting doubts: They are neither sure of themselves nor sure of you, they project doubts on others and are very quick to form harsh assumptions. They won`t fully trust you without the assistance of a good shrink.
- Compulsive habits: Over-smoking, eating, drinking, gambling are usually coping behaviors for unresolved emotional issues.
- Relationship failure: One failed relationship is never enough to judge a person, but a dozen of them is. A list of failed marriages and breakups can all be signs they won`t stay for the long haul.
- Being on an emotional rollercoaster: They`re unpredictable in a terrible way. One day they`re head over heels for you, the next they can`t even stand your face. Excess drama, overreacting and picking up fights out of nowhere are all signs of emotional instability.
Does this mean your partner must have zero baggage? No, cause no one is 100 percent clean of baggage.
This is why Jim Burns and Doug Fields authors of Getting Ready for Marriage Workbook, recommend that instead of saying, “How to marry someone with no emotional baggage?” you should ask yourself, “Am I prepared to deal with their baggage when they surface?”
Sometimes baggage is just the result of shockingly bad luck, but many times, it can be a sign of self-control or nag for making terrible decisions.
Even no baggage, according to Athol Kay, can say your partner never did anything memorable their whole life.
Relationship Question #4: How do we fight?
Arguments are part of every human interaction, but for some people, it can be hard to differentiate between verbal abuse and a normal argument. The former will ruin your relationship.
The health of a marriage is measured by how clean both sides fight, according to the bestselling authors Alan Loy McGinnis and John Gottman. If your arguments tend to escalate very quickly, then that`s an issue to take seriously before moving forward with your relationship.
According to both experts, partners sooth each in healthy fights other and seek to share responsibility instead of criticizing, blaming, or maybe using hands.
Learn to argue like adults. If you, or your partner, don`t have enough patience or understanding to handle each other, then you should call the whole thing off.
Relationship Question #5: Can they handle money?
Experts believe that how both of you handle cash is a serious deal maker/breaker in the relationships.
According to a study by Kansas State University, financial disagreements were the strongest disagreement types to predict divorce.
Another study by the University of North Carolina found that every $10k in student loans lowers marriage desirability by three or four percent.
Professor Terri Orbuch, the author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage From Good to Great, believes you should watch out of any debt problem your partner has, and discuss it with them.
“It`s okay for the partner who finds out about the other’s debt to ask questions, recognize whether it was a one-time situation or a general approach to money and if their partner is trying to fix the situation.” Says Orbuch.
If there`s no sign they`ll fix their financial dilemma, then you should leave before their money problems become yours.
Marwan Jamal is a soccer-playing, food-loving, joke-cracking New York-based wellness writer. You can say hi to me here
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