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Who’s in control of your life? Who’s pulling your strings?
For the majority of us, it’s other people – society, colleagues, friends, family or our religious community. We learned this way of operating when we were very young, of course. We were brainwashed. We discovered that feeling important and feeling accepted was a nice experience and so we learned to do everything we could to make other people like us. We didn’t want to be singled out by the crowd for being different because this wasn’t such a nice feeling. We learned this way of being so well that, as adults, we continue – mostly through mutual peer pressure – to keep each other in check. Like sheep without any need for a sheepdog, we keep each other in line.
“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.” - Oscar Wilde
It works both ways. First, we are afraid of disapproval. Am I dressed right? Will people laugh at my accent? Will I look stupid? Will I make a mistake? When we feel that others think badly of us, it makes us feel bad and so we try to avoid this.
Second, we all want to feel important and so we crave the positive attention of others. This is one of our basic needs, according to Dale Carnegie, author of the multi-million best seller, How to Win Friends and Influence People. And so when people stroke our ego and tell us how wonderful we are, it makes us feel good. We crave this good feeling like a drug – we are addicted to it and seek it out wherever we can.
We are so desperate for the approval of others that we live unhappy and limited lives, denying huge swathes of ourselves and failing to do the things we really want to do because we’re worried about what other people will think. Just as drug addicts and alcoholics live impoverished lives to keep getting their fix, so we impoverish our own existence to get our own constant fix of approval.
The drug is so addictive that most people will not give it up – they will keep looking for approval because the hit is so intense. But, just as with any drug, there is a price to pay. The price of the approval drug is freedom – the freedom to be ourselves. Do you want your drug or do you want to be free? You cannot have both. If you want to pull your own strings, you need to stop giving away your power – you need to genuinely stop caring what other people think about you.
The truth is that it’s all an illusion anyway – you cannot control what other people think. People have their own agenda, they come with their own baggage and, in the end, they’re more interested in themselves than in you; in fact, they’re thinking about themselves ‘morning, noon and after dinner,’ as Carnegie wrote.
If we try to live by the opinions of others, we will build our life on sinking sand. Everyone has a different way of thinking, and people change their opinions all the time. The person who tries to please everyone will only end up getting exhausted and probably pleasing no one in the process.
So how can we take back control? If we are truly ready to give up the drug of approval and importance (which most people are not), I think there’s only one way – make a conscious decision to stop caring what other people think.
This doesn’t mean that you should start to treat people badly, step on them or use them. Why would it? I read somewhere recently that the world would be terrible if nobody cared what other people thought of them. But why so? We all know what’s right and wrong. I have written before about guiding your life by means of a set of values – not values imposed from the outside by others, but innate values which come from within. If we are driven by these values and not by the changing opinions and value systems of others, we will live a more authentic, effective, purposeful and happy life. We will be actualized and successful.
Only one question remains – do you really want to be free?
About the author: You can download Michael Miles’ new book, Thirty Days to Change Your Life, for free, from http://effortlessabundance.com
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Very true this advice. The freedom to be what we want to be is our greatest strenght. I have a book on my reading list with a title very appropriate:
“What you think of me is none of my business!”
http://www.amazon.com/What-You-Think-None-Business/dp/051509479X
nice article,thx for sharing.
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here. If we stop caring about what others think then we are truly free. If we follow our moral compass we will also live lives that others are envious of.
Michael, I could not agree more. Great post.
Very good and inspiring article! And at the right time
There is always a conflict between being urself and caring about others. After all, we are social animals, and we pay something to live in this big society,part of it is our total freedom.
If you are not on the driver seat, will you get to where you want to be without asking him/her?
By caring too much about what others think is the same as letting them take the driver seat of your life and you will act as the passenger.
If you want to end up at where you truly want to be, stop caring too much about what others think of you. Great post, Michael.
Cheers
Vincent
Personal Development Blogger
Easier said than done!
“I am not in this world to live up to other people’s expectations, nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine.” – Fritz Perls
So true. Many of us look towards others for approval. But really, these are external. Happiness comes from true self love and acceptance of one’s faults, strengths and all.
Liberating oneself from what others think is one of the greatest spiritual accomplishments one can make in this world.
This is one of life’s great personal battles. Although we think that what other people think makes a difference, very often it is the internal judgment that we make ourselves that is holding us back, we just dress it up as caring what other people think.
Very good point. Definetly something to work on, like everyday. Hopefully worrying about what others think eventually goes away.. won’t it?
To stop caring what others think, you need self-confidence first. Or to be more precise, the two things come hand in hand.
Hi Michael,
This is such an important topic but I feel a great number of people miss the boat. I like what T. Harv Eker, author of the Secrets of the Millionaire Mind suggests,
“Don’t take anything personal”
And that applies to situations where you receive criticism or to situations when you receive praise. Realize that if someone is being critical or being praiseworthy, it has more to do with them than it has to do with you
If you take praise personally then you’ll just as easily take criticism personally too. If you don’t take anything personally, then your living true freedom.
You cannot change the way others think about you or what your doing. If you have found personal happiness and have self confidence that is all that matters. As long as you are conducting things in an ethical manner.
Even if you feel that you don’t care what others think about you, their opinions can still hold sway over you.
People around you form opinions of you and come to expect certain behaviors, and habitual ways of being — and you subconsciously conform to expectations. It’s easy to become snared by this when everyone around you is adding input.
You can avoid this by changing things up now and then. Be a bit unpredictable. Don’t allow people to define you too easily. Doing this will also help to keep you from defining yourself too rigidly. Your self-concept will be more fluid. That’s a huge bonus
John
Women also often need the “boyfriend mirror,” which we use to feel attractive and lovable, whether we even like the guy or not. I am always guilty of this.
This is exactly what I needed to read! I think I get social anxiety, I freak out and it gets hard for me to breath when I have to even call someone. This has really helped and I think I’m going to print it out and carry it with me!
[…] http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/why-you-shouldnt-care-what-others-think-about-you/ […]
I’ve been guilty of vacillating between two extremes. Either i worry incessantly about what people are going to think about a particular behaviour. Or I don’t care at all.
Either way, I think, is not good.
This article is brilliant. I’ve read and re-read this a hundred times. Even forwarded it to friends who i think need it. Thanks Michael.
I think that once you start caring for what other people say or think more that for who you really are, you start to lose your self. Obviously, the society wants you to be in a certain way, but who you are and what you like should make a difference. it would be very nice if we could care less for other’s opinions and more for ourselves. Certainly, we would be happier.
Great post and so very true. If we give in to what others think of us there is no way that we can achieve our true potential. This makes me think of Azeem Kayum, author of Wrestling With the Goddess. He has struggled to overcome a lot of physical and mental challenges and if he listened to what everyone had thought of him, he would never have achieved the success that he has.
hey, its always nice to read a post that reminds you how simple things can be, thanks for the read
So how long have you been a morally corrupt socialpath?
See, if one were to truly not care what others think, then we would be at the very bottom of the moral abiss. We would take what we want, do as we please, and have no remorse for it. Yep, that would be a socialpath.
Yeah… I’m battling between not caring what people say and caring about other people. The difference is slight.
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