heartbreak

How To Stay Positive When a Relationship Ends

Break-ups are never fun.  It is easy to find ourselves in a funk.

If we’re not careful we can fall into a black hole of negativity and end up throwing  a pity party that goes on for days, weeks, maybe even longer.

To combat this, we need to stay positive about our life and what the future holds.

The following 5 steps can help you let the light of positivity shine through your darkest days.

1. Quit Taking It Personally

So, the relationship didn’t work out.  It doesn’t matter the reason.

The point is that it is now over and done with.  You have to put down that 2×4 you’re beating yourself over the head with.  There is nothing fundamentally wrong with you that makes you unlovable.  You are a perfectly imperfect human.

People do things because of what is going on inside of them.  That old saying “it’s not you, it’s me” is actually true.  Even if your actions contributed to the break-up in some way, it was your ex’s internal reaction to those events that led to the good-bye.

You are not a bad person, just not the right person for this relationship.  There is somebody out there you are perfect for.

If you have to, tape Q-tips all over the house to remind yourself to quit taking it personally.

2. Act As If

Act as if  your life is nothing but positive.  Kind of like “faking it until you make it “.

When you are feeling down, maybe throwing yourself a little pity party, ask yourself what would you be doing right now if you weren’t feeling down in the dumps – and then do it.

If you used to relish girls night outs when you had a free evening -  plan one.  If you used to like to spend time alone painting – break out those paints.

Act as if you are happy, loved, fulfilled and soon you will be.  Our reality is drawn by our thoughts.  Both drawn as in drawing a picture and drawn as in being pulled in.  You have that power.

3. Forgive, Pray, and Say Thanks

Anger, resentment, frustration.  These are the emotions that fuel a negative outlook.

These feelings will eat you alive.  You need to release them.  In order to regain your positive attitude and save yourself, you need to forgive your ex and yourself for the end of the relationship.

I have found that prayer can do wonders for your attitude.  Pray for your ex.  Pray for their happiness and that they find peace.

And then do the same for yourself.  Thank the universe for all you have.

Practice gratitude.  Notice all the amazing things in your life; big and small.  Make a list.  Play a game with yourself.  Maybe today I am going to notice all the things I am grateful for that start with the letter A, etc.

Find aspects of the relationship that you can be thankful for.  I’m sure there were life lessons that you learned, be happy you learned them.

Look at the relationship and your ex as a stepping stone on the your way to your best self.

4. Let Go

There are things in this world that you cannot change.  That’s just the way it is.

You cannot make it stop raining, but you can look for the rainbow.  You cannot will the sun to rise, but you can enjoy the silence in the darkness right before the sun breaks through.  You cannot make someone want to be with you, but you can feel positive that now you are free to find out more about yourself and what you want.

You can only control your actions, your reactions, and your feelings.

When something is getting you down, stressed, anxious, or worried; ask yourself “what is under my control here?”  Probably not much.  But what you can control is how you choose to let it affect you.

Let go of the rest.  Give it to the universe to work out.  It will work out exactly as it is supposed to as long as you don’t get in the way by trying to force the resolution you think is best.

5. Concentrate On What You Can Change – YOU!

This is your time.  Celebrate it.  You are free to do whatever you want to become the person you are drawn to be.

If you want to be the best mom ever – concentrate on that.

If you want to get in better health, come up with a plan.

If you want to create a deeper connection to your spiritual side, learn meditation or go on a retreat.

 

Final Thought

Your future is waiting for you.  Open the curtains in your  mind and let the light of positivity shine in.

All it takes is one little ray of positive attitude and before you know it, it will soon illuminate your whole life.

You have complete control over how your future plays out.  I know it sounds corny, but today really is the first day of the rest of your life.

Live where your feet are – the here and now – and walk into your future.  It’s wide open.

 

About the Author:  Nicole is a Mediator, Conflict Resolution Coach, and founder of SerenityAfterDivorce.com where she aims to bring peace to divorced families.  To find out the biggest mistakes women make after a divorce, grab her free special report.

 

  • http://www.danerickson.net/ Dan Erickson

    Nice post.  I especially like number 3, 4, and 5.  I think they get to the core of forgiveness, which is something that we all need to do, especially if we feel jilted by the other.

  • Peter

    It’s very important not to take it personally and I agree with you on ‘it was your ex’s internal reaction to those events that led to the good-bye.’ But we must take some responsibility and ensure we learn how to better ourselves and our faults that led to the failure of the relationship.
    Thank you!

    • Nicole

      Yes Peter, I absolutely agree with  you that we have to take responsibility for our actions and we can use that as motivation to better ourselves.

      At the end of the day, we can’t change what happened in the past or how our ex reacted to it so it is important to move forward and not get stuck in the “woulda, coulda, should ofs”

  • Kyle

    Great read! Thank you. If this does happy to you, you need to ask yourself the right questions and not the wrong questions. That is, ask yourself what you can learn from the situation and how you can grow. Don’t ask yourself things like -”why does this always happen to me”? – it’s destructive. 
    Once you start asking the right questions – you will change the way you feel about it. 
    Just my two cents! :)

    http://www.locatefate.com/

    • http://serenityafterdivorce.com/ Nicole Witt

      Yes, attitude is everything.  Don’t make yourself a victim.  You are a volunteer.  We all have choices about how we choose to look at our situations.

  • Anna

    Very good. As always.

  • http://www.za17.com/ Lisa

    Thanks nice post!

    http://www.za17.com/

  • http://wizardelite.com/ wizardelite

    Wow, just a few short hours ago an on again off again relationship that’s been going on for the past year with a girl I’ve know for over 12 years just blew up in my face. Then as I pick up the pieces and try to distract myself from the train wreck of a relationship that just ended. I opened up my Facebook feed and this article is the first thing I see.

    It’s amazing how the universe connects with you.

    Out of all of this the key points that this article brings home that I have to remind myself over and over again is the fact that I can only control my actions, my reactions, my thoughts, and my own feelings.

    For this past year I became so obsessed with trying to fix the issues that rose in the relationship I was in and by doing that things only got worse. It took me this long to realize that I can’t change what my ex thinks or feels about me or even how she behaves. She is going to think and believe what she wants and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

    Another thing that helps is to quit taking the failure of the relationship and the pain it caused personally.  We were both the best possible people that we could be coming into this relationship and I have had to struggle not letting my ex bring me down and feel miserable over this mistakes I’ve made.

    What’s done is done and I can only focus on myself, learn from my mistakes, and make the clear changes I need to make for the next relationship I enter in.

    I just wish it didn’t have to hurt so much.

    • http://serenityafterdivorce.com/ Nicole Witt

      Yes, I am often amazed at how the universe gives me what I need exactly when I need it.

      I am thankful that this article was able to be of some comfort to you as you make your way through this difficult time.

    • Veomar

       Still feeling the pain, then.  Someone once said to me “You’ll never completely forget this, but instead of feeling like a sharp piece of glass it will eventually be like sand in your shoe”.  It was good advice., looking back from a number of years later.

      • http://wizardelite.com/ wizardelite

        Thanks Veomar, that really does help. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/scott.hopkins Scott Hopkins

    Nicole,

    WOW!!  I have been going through all of this since my divorce in February …this is such a great post and made me think of things in a new light….I wish you could read it and say…”ok got all’s good now”….but like everything else…this takes a ton of work….#4 is a killer….thank you again.

    • http://serenityafterdivorce.com/ Nicole Witt

      I agree that being able to just let go is really difficult.  It is something that I have to constantly remind myself of over and over, but when we are able to finally do it, it is an amazing feeling. 

  • http://goalsetting-workshop.com/blog/ Jorge Blanco

    The reason does matter, so you shouldn’t hinder yourself from knowing it and from accepting it. But you shouldn’t dwell in it too much and hit yourself hard. If it was your fault, accept it, understand why your actions led to the break up and learn from it. Again, learn from it. The break up would’ve been all for naught if you don’t learn anything from it.

    • http://serenityafterdivorce.com/ Nicole Witt

      Everything we go through in life is a lesson.  The key is to pay attention to that lesson and not to dwell on wishing we had done things differently.

  • meliorism

    this is exactly what i was looking for , thanks!

  • http://rhinowellnesscenter.com/ Chris Swenson

    I greatly appreciate you writing this post as dealing with the loss of a relationship can seem like a train wreck for a great deal of people.

    Anger, resentment, and guilt are great barriers for anyone moving into another relationship.  Learning to let go and control these feelings will help others be more successful in the next relationship. Such feelings can be like unwanted baggage you carry into the next relationship.

    I am planning on checking out your website for further information as I recently put together an online class helping people deal with divorce and creating stepfamilies. The class is available online for people at anytime. I am hoping to refine this class and make it even better in the future; this is where I am hoping to gain a fruitful of information from your site.

    Thanks!

  • Emma

    Thanks for a very positive post. It’s true, it’s all about what ‘you’ can do to be a better person. I found this really interesting blog that depicts personal relationships and how complicated they are, if you guys are up for an humorous adult read! =)

  • pastidya

    It’s really awesome to find this blog entry. I am trying move on after a break up. I tried to speak to my friends about it but they seem distant or busy. This helps me a lot. ^^

    • Nicole Witt

       I’m glad you found it helpful.  Sometimes friends don’t want to “go there” with you because it leads them places they don’t want to explore about themselves.
      I hope you find support for all that you are going through.  Just keep reaching out until you find it.