According to Harvard Business Review: “Playing the blame game never works. A deep set of research shows that people who blame others for their mistakes lose status, learn less, and perform worse relative to those who own up to their mistakes. Blaming is contagious.”
The bottom line is simple. When you blame others for how you feel, you give them your power. No one can make you feel anything. No one is more in charge of your destiny. Believe this and watch your confidence soar.
It’s an illusion if you believe, “If they’d be like that, I’d be like this.” You give away your power by believing your state is dependent on others. By playing the blame game, you shout to the world:
- I have no control over my life—I’m a victim
- Other people in my life are more powerful than me—I’m a victim.
How can you end the blame game permanently? Start accepting responsibility for your reactions. Anyone can trigger a state of sadness, anger or guilt. But, it’s crazy believing if they were to change so could you…Tony Robbins says it’s a lack of “emotional fitness”.
Simple shifts will make you the captain of your ship. By accepting the responsibilities for your reactions, you don’t have to share credit for your hard work needed to learn life lessons. Owning that no one can make you feel anything is your welcome mat to unleashing your confidence.
Realize the friction you feel at certain times is an illusion of a loss of control. Use these six steps to change your vibration to incredible confidence, and step up to change the only thing you truly have control over…YOU.
#1 Own Your “s&*^t”
If you must blame, then do so responsibly. If someone crosses a line, let them know, but don’t start your sentence with, “You.” Calmly say, “I know I’m not perfect, but when you say x, I begin to feel sad. I know it’s not your fault I’m feeling like this. I’m working hard to do better, but could you help me by avoiding statements like x, y or z?”.
Accepting your contribution to the stress, you give others permission to get real, too. You might find your load lightened by acknowledging room for improvement on your side, too. Regardless of fault, stop internally kicking yourself.
Even if their response isn’t what you had hoped, realize you can still choose how you feel (just like when you watch a scary movie and look away at the gory parts). Doing this will re-focus your lens to what brings you the most value.
Listen to your inner voice, accept your contribution to the situation and begin making better decisions regarding where you spend time, energy and effort.
#2 Pick Your Battles Strategically
Don’t put baby in a corner. If you desire to move past a conflict, find a neutral place to share your frustration freely. The heat of the moment, when someone already pushed the trigger, will not be your shining moment. Take a deep breath, walk away and wait until you can defuse your reaction to approach the other person in a constructive manner.
#3 Focus on I Feel Statements
Words are power and if you use or listened to them improperly, they’re weapons of mass destruction. Comfort the internal you for a happy external you. Everything you need is at your fingertips.
Nothing exposed you to a loss more than using 3-year-old phrases like all the time or you never. Pick battles you can craft with words for a win-win, giving you a long-term solution to a fantastic future.
Including others on the secret that you aren’t perfect, that you’re human doing the best you can with the resources you have, adds a needed amount of vulnerability. If this admission sincerely comes from your heart, it’s easier for your partner to be compassionate.
#4 Ask Permission To Build The Bridge
Slight tweaks are sometimes all you need to improve your life. If your partner is suffering, try to experience their pain. Don’t try to solve it, just let them know they matter. Try using the LAER method to facilitate a healthy conversation.
Helping doesn’t mean shoving your opinions in their faces (no matter how right you think you are). Try this approach, “I’ve been thinking about how you are feeling and I might have some good advice for you; would you like to hear it?” If they say no, walk away. Seriously, just thank them for their time, let them have space, and leave the door open by saying, “When you are ready to talk, I’m here for you”.
I recently told my husband, who is trying to figure out his next career, “I don’t care if you do nothing. Just be happy doing nothing, or do something. But either way, own the space you are in and be happy.”
Sending love, compassion and clarity for them will empower you, putting you well on your way to crack the confidence code.
#5 Focus On Moving Forward
Regrets are the lies the minds tell us. You can’t move forward when you look over your shoulder and carry your story like a 100 lb backpack. If you are still sharing your 10-year-old melodrama, you weigh everyone down, including yourself. Stories of the past are your stepping-stones to where you are today; they are not who you are! Let the present moment define you and watch as momentum builds, boosting your energy and moving you and everyone else you love to a happier place.
Blame rhymes with shame, which is where blame comes from. Accept who you are. Stop reacting. Start taking action today to grow your confidence with clarity for who you are. Set boundaries for what you want, and accepting responsibility for every moment of your life.
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