Confidence. Our mothers and the gurus tell us that we need to have confidence to succeed in love. “Be confident,” they say, “and love is yours.” Sounds great, but the problem is we don’t understand what that really means. Confidence can be so esoteric when we are not there yet and sometimes when we do think we have it, we are actually wearing it as a thin mask over insecurity. For instance, a mask of confidence can look like, “I know it all,” or boastful self promotion that is a turn off. On the other hand a false modest confidence can look like someone is placid or shy and you have to work too hard or give too many props to bring them out to engage.
So let’s break it down. The root of confidence is the word confide. Confide means to have full trust. Neither the mask of confidence nor false modest confidence exhibits or inspires trust from another.
True confidence can sometimes appear innate, even in a small child. You know the one, the child that trusts themselves, their lovability and feels completely comfortable claiming their space in the room. And we eagerly open our arms for a hug from this bright being. If that child is supported in this natural state and not taught to doubt themselves their confidence will grow effortlessly. But for most of us that full trust of ourselves has to be cultivated in order to ripen.
The ripening of confidence—is our own self love, it is learning to trust ourselves, being able to rely on our own inner voice to guide us and know and use our abilities. It is also our belief in our power to attract the goodness of life and real love in. We can acquire this confidence in hard ways through life and love’s obstacles that bring out character we never knew in ourselves. We can also learn it consciously going about it like acquiring any skill such as brushing our teeth, exercising, meditating, or our vocation. We invest our attention and supportive practices that bring out confidence in order to reap its harvest.
When you are in the company of someone who confides, trusts, believes in themselves you relax. You feel at home, you feel received, you feel loved. If someone doesn’t trust, confide or believe in themselves, you feel unsettled and unsure of whether they even like you.
Your confidence is an invitation for another to truly see you, to open up to you. It is your beautiful invitation of real love.
Karinna Kittles-Karsten is the bestselling author of Intimate Wisdom and the founder of SacredLove.com. For more information about inviting more love into your life visit www.sacredlove.com, a new online portal for exploring and building a fun and meaningful love life.
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