5 Steps to Handle Yourself Around Controlling People

To be in control is a good thing. To be controlling is not. There is a big difference.

One who is too controlling is in fact so out of control they lose everything in their grasp.

I’m sure you have seen it before. Someone who is so controlling they need to get their voice heard in every situation. They set guidelines and rules so stringent no one could possibly measure up. One slip up and there is war. The ‘My way or the highway mentality’.

It’s like they have a choke hold on every aspect of their life and maybe yours too. If it is a parent, the kids are given the idea they can’t trust in themselves because everything they do is never good enough. As an adult the same message is received however it is also demeaning to ones character.

We see it time and time again, these people’s lives come crashing down and they don’t understand why. To those of us looking in we could see it coming. When all of our suggestions to help went on deaf ears, we just shut up and did what we were told.

But there are some things you can do to either understand their controlling behavior or at the very least, minimize the effects on you.

Understand The Controlling Behavior

– People who try to control others are themselves out of control – in their mind that is. Often, they have many conflicting thoughts which create havoc in their mind. They will then latch on to that which they know they can control thus making them feel better. It is kind of a protection for them.

– Whatever is going on for them is never about you. Human nature allows us to take things like this personally. Don’t. Remember, they are doing this for their own sense of inner control, but doing it via outward expression.

– Being a control freak is a compulsion. Recognize that it began for them long before you showed up. In other words they try to do it to everyone.

– More often than not, control freaks have low self esteem. They do not have enough inner trust to handle outcomes other than ones they plan.

– Control freaks never want to appear vulnerable. But in fact they are.

Be In Alignment With Your Values

– Don’t engage with them. Do not allow yourself to fall into the same behavior you are trying to avoid. Situations like this aren’t about winning. Or at least they shouldn’t be from your end. Do what you need to do in an unfavorable situation whether that is hanging up the phone, walking away or not responding to an email. These are subtle reminders to that person that what they are doing is not ok with you. Remember people do what works. When you stop allowing it they stop doing it. It won’t be overnight but it will happen.

– Do not react. Knowing now what you do about control freaks, when they become aggressive take off your armor. Show them you are not a threat to them and you just want to help. You can do this by simply remaining calm no matter how much turmoil they are trying to create. This more than anything shows great strength.

– Remain fearless. Everything is energy and we are emitting energy with each emotion. We are also receiving other people’s energy. Note the energy in the room while with a control freak. The minute you begin emitting fear energy they pick up on it and the behavior gets worse.

Ask For Help

– Control freaks like to be in control. By asking for their help you are giving them that control. They can now ‘tell’ you something and they will have your undivided attention. They may teach you something very valuable and it may also help build trust with them as well.

– If you are being issued orders ask them how they would like to see it done. If they have already done that, find a relevant question and ask it. The point is you are asking the control freak to help you and letting them know you understand the importance.

– Try to find a solution to their problem and ask them for help resolving it.

Offer Extra Help

– Do something that proves to the control freak that they can trust you to get the job done.

– If there are moments where the controlling is at a minimum do more. This also sends a message.

– Ask for the opportunity to do something to lessen their load. Make sure it is something you want to do and do it well. They will soon see someone other than themselves is quite capable to get things done.

Trust Yourself

Self trust is crucial. When you trust in you, all fear goes by the wayside. Knowing you can handle whatever comes sets you apart from failure. Not everything works out exactly as planned. When you trust yourself it doesn’t matter. You know that there is a deeper meaning and move on. You don’t dwell and fret and stew over it you simply learn from it and proceed with the next thing.

-With self trust you don’t take these things personally. You accept what is and remain calm and intact.

-Decision making becomes easy and self confidence builds with inner trust.

There are reasons people have control issues and should not be judged. We need to look past these outward expressions and try to understand them as people.

So starting today, do your best to see others through new eyes.


My name is Suzanne Jones. I am a Certified Hypnotherapist and a Writer. I have a bloghttp://www.pristineperception.com and write based on true experiences. I guide people through either Hypnotherapy or my Writing to regain personal and mental control of their lives. Just one degree of perception change is all it takes.

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14 Responses to 5 Steps to Handle Yourself Around Controlling People

  1. How stupid are you? You’re basically telling people to make it easier for control freaks to have a say in what you do by giving in to the bad behavior.

    Whatever happened to ignoring them? Showing them that is not how the world works. They want to make demands? Well anyone can demand something, but the cold hard truth is that no one has to give a damn about it.

    You would rather have people willingly ask a control freak for help so that these people can feel better about their issues? It’s their responsibility to either curb that unacceptable behavior on their own, or get help from a therapist.

    This article is a joke. I can say at least from my own experience I’ve dealt with plenty of people that think they “have to be in control”. The first thing you should do is NOT give in. They will not learn if people keep encouraging the behavior. Think of it like a screaming child, you don’t try to coddle the behavior, you don’t give them what they want to shut them up. You use non-verbal communication that you will not play their game. If anything you tell them how they ought to speak to you if they want your attention, you just have to make sure you’re in the right and doing this ethically. Then the responsibility is on them to either change the behavior or else they will receive nothing from you. Reward the positive behavior with a friendly smile and treating the individual like a normal person of course.

  2. Ann says:

    its interesting how this writer talked over a common issue with some thoughtful opinions, be they right or wrong, and not once did the author have to resort to insults and yet your first comment back was initiated by calling them stupid. Sounds like a control issue…make others feel small (stupid) so you feel better. Hmm.

  3. Anonymous says:

    While I agree that staying calm, when in the company of a controlling person is for the best;
    I’m not certain that allowing them to continue with the controlling behavior is a wise solution. In my opinion, that feels a bit like “enabling”.

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  5. william stevenson says:

    the lady who gave this advice is right to remain clam cool and collect the person who wants to control we see their tactics are not working will give up or try a different tactic
    yes you will have to be strong minded as the controller still needs to control the aim here is to avoid being controlled not to fix the controller that may take someone who really knows what they are doing

  6. T says:

    Not too many balanced people out there these days.

  7. Paula says:

    What if the person doesn’t want your help unless THEY ask for it?

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  9. Lisa says:

    Sounds like Mysterious Man is a control freak. While some of this article made me sad as I am stuck living with a very controlling roommate at this time, it makes sense to remain calm and not mimic their toxic behavior. Thanks for this advice, I will do my best, but I’m definitely not perfect, and it’s natural to show fangs and claws every now and then.

  10. HELEN says:

    i’ve known this one woman for a year now. and all she wants to do is CONTROL.she has me over a barrel.I have no car and she did have three cars. once day,she was in a BAD MOOD where she went balistic on me as she stopped the car in middle of traffic and she starting yelling at me for no reason and she she injuried me in HER CAR.AND WHEN SHE GAVE A LYING STORY TO HER INSURANCE AGENT. SHE MADE ME LOOK LIKE I WAS THE B AND NOT HER.SHE WAS AND IS TELLING EVERYONE THAT SHE IS AN ANGEL,DRIVING ME AROUND TOWN AND PLACES BUT SHE NEEDS TO BE IN CONTROL OF EVERYTHING AND SHE HAS SCARED OFF OTHER PEOPLE WHO WERE TRYING TO HELP ME ANAD SHE HAS ISOLATED ME FROM OTHER PEOPLE AND I HAVE TO DO WHAT SHE WANTS AND WHAT I NEED.

  11. Cheryl says:

    It’s very sad that there are alot of insecure under confident people who feel the need to control others . I do feel though unless it’s pointed out that they are doing this then they probably don’t realise that what they are doing is wrong and that they are actually doing it!

  12. M force says:

    Life is not long enough to waste energy on a control freak. They have huge issues, that really need someone with an education in Human Behaivor. I don’t profess to have that. For me they are not pleasant people to be around, and you definitely feel like you’re walking on eggshells. I honor them as a human being, however I don’t need or like their controlling ways. I don’t engage.

  13. Gabriella says:

    My way to deal w an extremely controlling person is..to hopefully never need them for anything..and as far as their incessant need to talk goes..I let her yack til she is out of breath..and since there was no input on my part..she feels like a fool

  14. Melissa says:

    I walked into a clients house to find his daughter was there and she was controlling. I had other appointments and she told me I was going to do housework, which I actually did, then she demanded I do it again as she was not happy. I was hoping this article would tell me how to properly deal with this controlling woman. As it was, I told her no, that was not my job, and I had another appointment to go to. She was incensed, called my boss and made up a story. I am actually quite nice, so my boss knew better, but seriously. This article suggests I spend the afternoon doing housework while asking her how she would like it done. But how does one put her foot down and say no without offending?

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