The other day, having just typed an email to a customer, my mouse cursor hovered over the send button. But something didn’t feel quite right. Re-reading the email, I stopped at the following sentence:
“I should be able to get this to you in the next 24 hours”.
This is a fairly standard sentence, but on this particular occasion the word “should” caught my attention. Was this the best word I could use? Did it even matter?
I knew why I had chosen this particular word; I wanted to convey that I expected to have the work done within 24 hours, but there was a possibility I wouldn’t. So there was a rational reason for my choice, but in that moment I also came to see that using the word “should” could have potentially negative and unintentional consequences.
Ted Rogers, the Canadian Communications mogul who recently passed away, once noted: “It’s funny, the difference between success and failure often is very little.” It seems to me that one of these “little things” is the language we use to communicate. Here’s why:
Committing Ourselves
When I typed the word “should”, I effectively gave myself an excuse for not completing the request within 24 hours. Yes, it makes sense to do this in some circumstances. However, by doing this it also meant I would be less likely to complete the request within 24 hours. After all, was I making any commitment? Saying I should have something finished within 24 hours means it could be done in 48, 72 or 1,000 hours and I still would have kept my word.
I would like to note here that it is extremely important not to break your promises, and therefore you should be careful not commit to something you can’t do. But I think it is also extremely important not to give yourself a free ride by never making firm commitments and/ or never setting deadlines to complete work.
Let’s consider an alternative to using the word “should” (note: this is what I actually sent):
“I will get this to you in 24 hours”
The important word here, of course, is “will”. By using this word, I committed myself to getting this request done by a particular deadline. And guess what? I did.
Now, you may not be too interested in whether or not I got something done for a customer . But consider for a moment your own goals. Do ever find yourself saying “I want to get fit”. Or, “I should go to the gym”. Such statements are usually wishful thinking. It is only when you fully commit to something – which starts by saying something like “I will…” or I must…” – that it becomes a priority and receives your focused attention.
Trust from Others
There is a good chance that to get where you want to go in life you will need the help of other people. I mention this because the language you use when communicating with other people influences how they perceive you, and therefore how they treat you.
The word “should” is a hedge because maybe you will get the work done, but maybe you won’t…. This does little to give your clients, co-workers, boss or whoever it is you are dealing with confidence in you.
Strong vs Weak Language
The following are some examples of words that are generally strong and weak:
| Weak | Strong |
| maybe | will |
| trying | can |
| possibly | must |
| hoping | plan |
| probably | definitely |
| (I) think | (I) know |
Once again, there are times when it is appropriate to use the words I have listed above as weak. My suggestion is simply to be conscious of your choice of such words, and then consider using a stronger alternative. By using strong language, you commit yourself to taking action and gain a greater level of trust from people you deal with.
Final Thoughts
There is a common saying that actions speak louder than words. I agree. But I also believe, as Obama once responded to his critics, that words do matter. If you can get your actions and language in alignment then you will be all the more closer to success (whatever “success” means to you).
What do you think? Does the language we use really contribute to success or failure? And if so, do you have any examples of words and phrases to use or avoid?
About the writer: Peter Clemens is Editor of Pick The Brain. If you enjoyed this article, you may like to visit his personal blog The Change Blog or follow him on Twitter.
I would add another reason not to use weak language:
Saying things like “should in 24 hrs” isn’t as much of an escape hatch as people might think. If you don’t deliver, you can legitimately argue you said I might take longer.
However people often hear what they want to hear, and so your customers would rather interpret “should” as “you can expect it in 24hrs”
You may as just say “you will” and not make people feel like they’ve been tricked.
Good article Peter. I “will” subscribe right now
Patrick
veryevolved.com
Absolutely language contributes to success or failure. But, not necessarily whether you use weak or strong language. Weak language can contribute much to success under the right circumstances — such as when a demanding boss wants your opinion but you know he/she will just take credit for all your good ideas and blame you for any bad ones. In that situation, you want to hedge a lot. Plus, sounding overly confident when your personality doesn’t match makes people feel uncomfortable around you. I have a friend who always tries to be more outgoing or extroverted than he really is or feels like being and it just is a big disconnect. He comes off as really insincere. So, as with all things, moderation is key.
Having said all that, if it feels the same to you to say things like “I know X” as “I believe X,” then the former is stronger thus more effective at conveying your confidence than the latter. Here’s a great trick. When I was a lawyer, I kept looking around for a role model to follow. Many women lawyers are portrayed in movies as either too harsh or too soft. But, when I found the Jessica Lange character in The Music Box, I really felt that was more who I was. So, I took a cue from that character (the way she talked) and that helped me find the right balance for my “weak” v. “strong” language at work and in the courtroom. Great post, Peter!
Those words sound pretty “Germanic”
Germans always say, “Genau, sicherlich, ja, stimmt”.
I learned about German work ethics when I was an intern in germany.
your friend Relax ~
Great points. I just caught myself out writing a commitment to finish something ‘around’ a certain date. That looks like setting myself up in advance with an excuse so I’ll go back and change it.
Robert
Well, I don’t know. It seems like using firm language might help you succeed, but there could be other factors…
Just kidding. Yes, making a strong, committed statement sends a signal to the brain that this thing is GOING to happen one way or another!
Commitment is the key to the message you are trying to communicate.
I might be able to call you back…or..I will call you as soon as I can with the information you want.
No brainer!
Great tips..
George
What you’re describing here is called modality. Modals are words that we use in English to describe our belief in the likelihood that an event being described will occur. And so you’re right, the “strong and weak language” you describe with the modal “should” would be ’stronger’ had the writer used the word “shall.” (Although “shall” isn’t colloquial.) Modality is extremely complex and this is mainly because in English we have a past tense and a present tense but no future tense. Instead we use modals to indicate whether or not we think something will happen. Note that the words in your chart all have to do with something occuring in the future.
One analogy I remember is when I worked in a call centre. They asked us to always use ‘can do’ statements like, “I can definitely do that for you.” This is a very strong statement in terms of modality. (Rather than, say, “I could do that for you” or “I’ll try to do that for you.”)
As for your comment on Obama: Yes! Barack Obama is keenly aware of the powers of words to pursuade others. This is called rhetoric. He is a master rhetor (hence the word orator.)
Great post!
Allan,
The – “I can definitely do that for you.” – I always find a bit tricky too – not really being aware of your capabilities, I assume you will be able to help me – yet, are you really going to do so?
Hey Peter,
Great article. By consciously choosing stronger words, we can achieve more. Just like the example you mentioned, when we mentioned we will instead of “I should be able”, it make us more unlikely to back up on what we had said.
Cheers
Vincent
Personal Development Blogger
I enjoyed this analysis. There’s an old saying, “When there’s a will, there’s a way.”
But, when there is a should? Well… You know how that often goes.
Your “Strong vs. Weak” language is SOOO TRUE! I was nothing but the weak language last year, it’s amazing once your heart is behind something how your language automagically switches to the strong language.
Thanks for making the analysis in the use of words. I often feel that it is important to pay closer attention to how we are conveying our messages. “Should” makes it sound as if you are unwilling but feel obliged to follow up on what you said.
Other words that are weak and strong
believe (weak)
wish (weak)
command (strong)
intend (strong)
Using the strong words teaches your subconscious that you are in command of your experiences.
good discussion, I think language is key factor for success if you are having knowledge and don’t have proper way to put it on world so you what is the importance of your knowledge.
Excellent article Peter!
I was speaking to a co-worker yesterday about the same topic. He is a leader of a steam plant and has a team of employees – he used the word “should.”
We were talking about his team when he said,
“Well the millwright should be able to do his job – but he never does.”
I said to him,
“When you say it like that (”should” be able to do his job) it implies that he can’t. Your relating to him as someone who “should” be able to do it (but can’t).
Try holding him bigger. Tell him that he is a leader; and that you know he is. And tell him that because he is a leader that you respect his ability to make decisions and run his area of the plant.”
I’ve used this approach many times as a coach. I refuse to use the word “should” with my clients because it implies they aren’t worthy or able – and this is the furthest from the truth.
Another great article Peter. This phrase in particular resonated in me “By using strong language, you commit yourself to taking action and gain a greater level of trust from people you deal with.”. I for one will (commitment) be more aware of the words I use after reading this!
Many languages make use of these conditional words, but not sure if American English has a conditional tense.
This is a very good article. The phenomenon you speak of really is a product of a zeitgeist in our society that devalues language and thereby intention. The phrase “Talk is cheap” is believed almost universally and completely. People nod knowingly if you say that.
Whereas the alternative is really that words have incredible power, particularly in the creation of any new innovation. Such as, “What if?”
So I would add that people should (I mean should) not say or tolerate it when people say, “It’s going to be hard (or difficult).” That kind of speech only calls for a difficult road ahead, instead of allowing for some pleasant surprises.
Strong and weak language is a product of varying linguistic register–that is, we use language differently when we’re in different social situations (for example, how you would speak to your grandmother vs. how you would speak to a colleague over lunch vs. how you would speak to your child.) Linguistic register is a complex thing in the workplace and often subordinates are uncomfortable expressing their true feelings to superiors. So they use ‘weak’ language to, as Melton indicates, talk cheaply.
Here’s the thing, though. Varying linguistic registers is a social phenomenon. It’s not a personal flaw. It’s important to recognize that people grow up learning to speak like this and so this is relayed in the workplace. Weak language doesn’t make a weak person.
Weak language could be a sign of a weak person, but I agree that language itself doesn’t make a person weak (I hope people didn’t interpret my article to say this).
The other point I would make it that while people grow up learning to speak a certain way, once they become conscious of the language they use they have the ability to change this (which really is the point of this article).
Hey Peter,
I don’t think anyone misinterpreted your purpose for the article. I was just making a point, not a counterpoint.
Thanks,
Al
I am very much into positive language so this post is an excellent reminder.
The word “TRY” is a real bugbear for me. I have this habit of replying with “Try?” when someone uses ‘try’ in his or her sentence. It drives me mad. Try is not good enough!
Sorry, rant over.
Great post.
Geoff.
What good thoughts!
Although it is used when doing business with others, I agree that it is most hampering when used in self-talk. Bravo, and thanks for the reminder!
Weak language makes you seem uncertain and doubting yourself. I would definitely use more definite language. However, when advising someone I would say that they ’should’ do this or that because I do not want to sound like I am forcing them.
Likewise. In fact, you may have noticed the following sentence in the article:
I hesitated to use the word “should” given the nature of this article, but in the end I decided it was appropriate.
Thanks for this post. One thing that occurred to me when I was reading it is that the places where we find ourselves using “weak” language may be places where we don’t fully trust ourselves or have faith in our own capabilities, and where we could stand to trust ourselves a little more. That is, the weak language we use may point us to personal growth opportunities. Best, Chris
Good point Chris. I hadn’t thought of that, but you are absolutely correct.
Great tips Peter! Don’t forget body language.
http://www.marcandangel.com/2008/07/07/25-acts-of-body-language-to-avoid/
Stumbled.