Starting a New Year with Death

Written by Lawrence Cheok - 35 Comments
Categories: psychology

human skullDo you read the obituaries? I do. In fact, I do it very often.

I have a habit of reading the obituaries. It’s weird, I know – it’s not a common past time for most people. Before you strike me off as another nut case, please hear me out.

Each time I read the obituaries, I will look out for young faces, people in their twenties, thirties and even forties. With an average mortality rate of between 70 to 80 years, these folks had a really short life. It’s such a shame.

OBITUARIES ARE REMINDERS

Each time, I’ll ask myself what it feels like to be in prime of your life and have it ended prematurely. Did they feel shortchanged by life? Did they feel any regret about dreams still unfulfilled? I guess if given another chance, they would probably want to change something; maybe go and actually do something that they have been dreaming of, but never really got around to doing. Maybe they like to tell someone how much he/she mean to them.

Reading the obituaries is a constant reminder to me that our time is limited; a reminder for me to appreciate life, to love life.

It’s also a reminder to me to go out there and do the things that really matter. Maybe I should stop playing it safe. Maybe I need to take some risk and hopefully do something remarkable. Maybe I’ll fail. Maybe I’ll succeed. I don’t know. But I know that as long as I don’t try, I won’t know. I certainly wouldn’t want to die one day thinking “if only I had tried…”

DEATH’S MESSAGE TO US

I’m 30 this year, and I expect to have at least another good 30 years to go before my time is up. However, I am also keenly aware that the outcome of this expectation is not up to me to decide. I can be gone anytime, maybe tomorrow.
Fortunately, I have a few encounters with death throughout my life:

  • When I was four, my father passed away due to heart disease. He was in his thirties. That was my first encounter with death.
  • My uncle died in his thirties as well.
  • My aunt died of a rare illness in her forties.
  • A friend’s sister died of bone cancer – she was not even twenty.
  • An ex-schoolmate of mine collapsed while running. He never woke up. He was twenty-seven.

Yes, you didn’t read wrongly – I said ‘fortunately’. Through these encounters, I have learned that death is a very real thing. It’s not something that just happens to somebody else only. It can happen to you and people around you.

I’ve come to appreciate the message that Death gives us – our time is limited, value it. No matter who you are, what you do, the color of your skin, or the amount of wealth in your bank account, we all share a common destiny – the appointment with Death.

DEATH IS POSITIVE, REALLY!

The topic of death is still a taboo in our society. I guess most people don’t like to talk about this eventuality as there is a lot of negativity surrounding it. I can certainly understand the discomfort to discuss this openly.

By talking about the social taboo – death around the New Year period, I’m taking a risk. Indeed, I am. But I feel it’s important to get the message out.

The New Year is the time when many people are having a fresh, new start. It’s the time to review the past and look forward to achieving more in the coming year. It’s the time to anticipate, be eager and positive; not to be talking about something as solemn as death.

I disagree.

Death does not need to be negative. It’s like a glass half filled with water; you can either see it as half empty, or half full. Yes, death can be positive as well.

When viewed as half glass full, death helps us to prioritize the truly important things. It also gives us the much needed kick-in-the-butt.

THE MYTH OF ‘SOMEDAY’

For me, death has taught me to appreciate the value of time. It has also taught me to stop putting off important things to ‘someday’. Maybe some of the following will be familiar to you:

  • Someday, I will go on a nice holiday with my family.
  • Someday, I will go have a heart-to-heart chat with my Dad/Mom.
  • Someday, I will travel the world.
  • Someday, I will do a job that I love.

Sometimes, for some people, ‘someday’ never arrive.

I remember the last time I saw my ex-schoolmate who collapsed and died, was at a wedding. When parting, I said we should really catch up and chat over coffee someday. Although we really wanted to catch up, it was a casual comment which I soon forget. It was back to life as normal and the usual hassle-bassle of my life took my focus away.

A few months later, I received a phone call and the news of his death. Funny, the next time I saw my friend was at his funeral.

Indeed, for some people, ‘someday’ never arrives.

STARTING THE NEW YEAR WITH DEATH IN MIND

My friend, as you go about setting goals and resolutions for the New Year, bear in mind Death’s message and stop putting things off to someday.

  • Write down your list of things that you have been putting off.
  • Write down another list of things you want to STOP doing.Write down also the action plan to stop doing these:
    • Pay someone else to do it.
    • Delegate to someone else in your team to do it.
    • Negotiate with a teammate who’s willing and happy to do it.
    • Just stop doing it.
  • Take out your calendar and schedule those things you want to do into a specific date (hopefully not too far from now).
  • Talk to your family and friends about your dream and your resolution. Commit yourself. Put yourself on the line by announcing to the whole world what you plan to do.
  • Take small and incremental actions starting today to fulfill those resolutions:

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

  • Don’t be afraid. Don’t think “what if I fail?” – it cannot be as bad as “if only I had tried…”

With that, I hope that 2008 will be a more fruitful and meaningful year for you. Happy New Year!

Lawrence Cheok writes about living a balanced life and provides tips to improve your career, relationships and money at A Long Long Road. Other than writing, Lawrence does business development and project management in his day job.

  • http://practicethis.com/ alik

    Real a-ha!!

    I went over a few personal productivity blogs and seems like they are written by the same person:
    - plan
    - focus
    - review

    While your post is no diffeent and carries out the same message i guess, the approach is a way way way different.

    Loved it, thanks!!

  • http://www.mhlcoaching.typepad.com Terri Holley, The Health ahd Life Mixing Bowl

    “Most people die with their music still inside of them.”

    I read this quote while training to become a life coach. It shifted my whole thinking around how I wanted to be with my clients. This is a great post that hopefully will wake up the masses.

  • http://www.iwillchangeyourlife.com Peter

    This is good advice.

    I recently wrote out my eulogy on my blog. It may sound like a morbid exercise, but it actually left me feeling full of life and vitality.

  • http://lawrencecheok.com Lawrence Cheok | A Long Long Road

    @Alik: thanks. I was in a morbid mood when writing this, and it sort of came out this way. I was a little unsure of how it will be received, but like I said, I’m going to try to get the message out anyway. So thanks for liking it.

    @Terri: Wonderful quote. I love it. Any idea who said that?

    @Peter: Great exercise you did. It’s a wonderful idea. I always do this exercise with people that I advice about what’s important in life. Imagine there’s afterlife, and you’re at your own funeral. Imagine what you would want your family and friends to say about you.

    I’m sure the exercise did lots of good for you. It did for me. I will check out your article. Thanks for sharing.

  • http://babblermouth.blogspot.com Aaron Simmons

    I like this article. It is a hard fact that death is not only imminent, but unpredictable. Because it is difficult to accept, people all too often ignore it and trust in “someday”. Thanks for this frank reminder that someday is a wisp of cloud, and that today must be used to the fullest.

  • Jack Hayes

    Great stuff, you always seem to be teaching me things… glad i subscribed

  • henry david

    Our culture has lost the concept of a “memento mori,” or a reminder of death. Many medieval scholars would keep skulls on their desks, or similar reminders that their time on earth is limited, and they should live purposefully while they’re here. Now, with our increased focus on youth, these things are ignored, blocked out, or viewed as “morbid” if they are brought up in conversation. A proper view of life and these matters is important.

  • http://thebookshare.blogspot.com JD Meier

    It reminds me of a couple quotes … something along the lines of … “don’t be afraid of dying, be afraid of never living” and “one of these days, means none of these days.”

  • http://www.mhlcoaching.typepad.com Terri Holley, The Health and Life Mixing Bowl

    It was Benjamin Disraeli, a British politician, novelist, and essayist, who quoted (correction from my previous post:)

    “Most people die with their music still locked up inside of them”

  • Scott Zimmerman

    What fantastic advice.

    My 9-year old son passed away on May 6, 2007. He had Duchenne Muscular Dsystrophy, but most boys with MD live into their 20s-30s. We literally spent the day together one Friday having fun getting ready for his 8 year old sister’s birthday party, and he died the night of the party out of the blue.

    The only peace I can find in all of this is that we knew his life would be short so we packed it as full as we could. In that way, we were fortunate to know his life would be short as we didn’t waste time on stupid stuff.

    Live life like today is your last day alive…one day you’ll be right.

  • http://www.doyouliveorsimplyexist.com/2008/01/03/every-man-dies-not-every-man-truly-lives/ do you LIVE or simply EXIST » “Every man dies. Not every man truly lives.”

    [...] I was stung, like a slap on the face, when I read Starting a New Year with Death over at Pick the [...]

  • http://lawrencecheok.com Lawrence Cheok | A Long Long Road

    @Aaron, @Jack: you’re welcome. I’m glad you like this article.

    @Henry: thanks for teaching me the reason why scholars kept skulls. For the uninitiated, it seems morbid; but once you know the reason behind it, it makes so much sense. Maybe it’s time for me to find a skull as well? Ha…

    @JD: thanks for sharing those quotes. They’re wonderful. I’m noting them down. :)

    @Terrier: Thanks for the teaching me. I will look up on Benjamin. Sounds like an interesting person.

    @Scott: Thanks for sharing your personal story. My heart goes out to you and it just convinces me even more about my conviction about valuing our life and time. Really appreciate it. I hope that you’ll find consolations in knowing that you have made every minute meaningful with your son.

  • http://bloggers-journey.com Kenneth – Guy From Success Blog

    Perfect articles to kickstart in the year of 2008. Nicely done Lawrence

  • http://www.gmail.com Surabhi

    A month back i lost my father.He all well,Perfectly great in shape but suddnly one day i receved a call from my mom saying he is admiited in the hospital due to lil weekness, i never thought that he will never come back from the hospital,I went to see him and after 2 hours he passed away.
    It was a very difficult time for our family.We were not prepared for this loss.
    This was an eye opening moment for me and i realized that how much more i wanted to talk to him tell him that how much i loved him how much i cared for him but i could not do it coz he was “NO MORE”.

    I was just searching through the blogs on death where i found this really positive article on DEATH.

    I can only say that what you have written is true.We have come here for a limited time lets enjoy it lets love the people around us lets live and let others live…..

  • http://enhancelifethinktank.blogspot.com/ Sham @ Enhance Life

    My grandfather also had the habit of checking the obituaries every day. After reading your post it didn’t sound weird anymore!

    Nice post to start off the year!

  • http://fresh-perspectives.net/2008/01/interesting-posts-around-the-web-jan-4.html Interesting Posts Around the Web – Jan 4 | Interesting Observations

    [...] Starting the New Year with Death @ pickthebrain [...]

  • http://krist0ph3r.blogspot.com kris

    i wouldn’t go so far as to read obituaries, but i agree that death is a reminder of we are to live. sometimes, the best reminder.

    i personally do not fear death. when my time comes, however early or late it may be, i’ll embrace it knowing that i wouldn’t have lived very differently even if i had a chance to.

    nice post. definitely something new to think about at the start of the year :)

  • http://www.varsityblah.com/about Eugene (Editor, Varsity Blah)

    It really is a powerful reminder to stop wasting time with what doesn’t matter and instead choose to focus on what does. It’s also a reminder to live your life doing what you love. This quote from Success Built to Last says it well:

    “All you have is your personal capital; your talents, skills, relationships, and enthusiasm. Cultivate your capacity to be fully alive in your work because doing something that matters is a dream worth your life.”

  • http://lawrencecheok.com Lawrence Cheok | A Long Long Road

    @Surabhi: I’m sorry to hear about your loss. And I can fully understand the pain as I grew up without my father as well. I hope you’ll learn to love those around you even more and love life. Live each minute fully.

    @Sham: Another friend of mine just said the same thing – that her mother does the same thing. I know I’m a little on the younger side to be doing this, but hey, it teaches me a lot.

    @Eugene: Nice quote for Success Built to Last. I’m reading that book as well. Thanks for sharing.

  • Adam

    Good post. I’ve been thinking about death a lot here lately. Especially since my wife just lost her dad two days after Christmas to multiple sclerosis, and her mom was diagnosed with parkinson’s the same day. Then to top it off, my little brother (21yo) ended up in the hospital on new year’s eve with atrial fibrillation. Luckily his heart reset normally the next morning before they had to shock it back into sinus rhythm.

  • http://philiptiongson.typepad.com/transience phil

    this is a really good post. and whilst some may think it to be morbid, i think it is in fact very hopeful. i am a christian – and i don’t think (at least in the family and the immediate environ where i grew up in) we have a healthy view of what death is. death is seen with fear. and this is in spite of the teaching of ‘eternal life’. i have recently been reading up on death – and i think it is a transition to something bigger, grander – perhaps, even freedom far beyond what we could imagine. sorry if that sounded like proselytizing.

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  • http://www.seaykopitiam.com Jamy : Seaykopitiam

    This post comes very close to my heart.
    My dad passed on Jan 1st this year and I reflected about life long and hard the last few days.
    I need to live life fully as if there is no tomorrow.
    Do what is important and do not waste time.
    My new year resolution is spend as much time I can with my loves on.
    Cheers
    Jamy

  • http://conceptisaddict.blogspot.com Leena

    Hi Lawrence,
    a great article!
    I don’t read the obituaries since at my age (>50) there are too many people who I knew…

    Maybe this is a relieving post to me since from your list I have done everything:
    * I have had several nice holidays with my family.
    * I have had many heart-to-heart chats with my Dad/Mom, even several with Dad when it was evident that he had not much time left and his memory failed a lot then.
    * I have travelled the world as much I need to.
    * I do a job that I love at the moment

    Having done all this, I had problems when I was 50. What is left? What is the point any more?
    Now I have had new goals but not one of them is something I need to finish.

    I would rather die unexpectedly and not like my father having Alzheimer’s and suffering from it.

    This may sound like a very negative post, but it is not. I am totally satisfied at the moment :)

  • http://www.lolafayemi.com Lola Fayemi

    Well you’ve done it again Lawrence! I felt very uncomfortable at first reading this post but that says more about me than it does you. Death is not talked about enough, it’s a taboo subject but inevitable so thank you for this post. It’s wonderfully insightful and is good for a kick up the backside when languishing in the world of self-doubt or fears.

    In love, light and abunadnce x x x

  • http://lawrencecheok.com Lawrence Cheok | A Long Long Road

    @Jamy: Good luck on your journey and resolutions, Jamy. I wish you all the best.

    @Leena: Frankly, I have thought about this myself. I am not your age and therefore cannot truly tell what it’s like. But I can imagine myself achieving most of the things that I want to achieve and the next best thing is perhaps to just live in each moment and enjoy it to the fullest. That’s the greatest joy, isn’t it?

    @Lola: You’re welcome. Hope the kick isn’t too painful ;-)

  • Paul A Melland

    Actually reading the obituaries is not as strange as you might think. I do the same thing as you, but I am pretty sure others do the same. I used to think that I was different, in a good way, when I noticed I would read magazines from the back to the front. Well, I saw that a studied found that 58% of magazine readers do the same thing. Perhaps instead of using death as a motivator to “do the things you have always thought about doing”, look back and at all of the time you have wasted on. You mentioned you turned 30 recently, what do you wish you had spent more time on when you were 20 and are not able to do anymore due to access to resources, age, etc. Good in whatever you are trying to do dude.

  • http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com Patricia – Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker

    Lawrence, great job. Losing someone suddenly to death definitely has its own set of lessons. You nailed them in this article. I have lost two friends in this way. One was murdered the day after Christmas in 1992 and the second died of a heart attack just after midnight of the morning of Dec. 1, 2005. Sudden death taught me to say I love you often to the people that I care about. We truly don’t know what tomorrow will bring or even if it will arrive.

  • http://thedivertex.com/2008/01/20/how-a-death-can-change-your-life/ Death: The Fork in Life’s Road

    [...] Lawrence Cheok from PickTheBrain.com wrote in Starting a New Year with Death: “I’ve come to appreciate the message that Death gives us – our time is limited, value it. [...]

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  • http://www.jeba.in Jeba

    Lets face it!! Death is inevitable. Live your life today.. There may be no tomorrow. There is no guarantee that when I sleep today I will get up alive next morning ? So why waste your today for a tomorrow which no one has ever seen!!

    Live your day friends!! After all Life is the longest thing you will ever own!! Go Enjoy!!

    Have a great life my friends!!

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  • http://www.Lazy2Work.com Lazy2Work

    Hi Lawrance,

    This is very touching article. It digs into mind and reminds me that our life on this earth is too short and also forces me think the most important things that must be completed when we know that the death is inevitable.

    Not only for the new year! It is a great post forever!

    Lazy2Work

  • http://debtfreeclicks.com/recommended-reads-10-jan-2008/ Debt Free in 2009 » Blog Archive » Recommended Reads – 10 Jan 2008

    [...] Starting a New Year with Death – This is my favorite. It’s a reminder to ourselves to do the truly important things in the New Year . How? By using death. Read on… [...]