Self-Improvement vs Self-Acceptance: Which is Right?

Written by Ali Luke - 18 Comments
Categories: self improvement

I read a lot of personal development material, online and offline – and there are two clear competing trends.

One school of thought says keep striving for improvement. Keep doing more. Lose weight. Get fit. Make more money.

The other says accept yourself just as you are. Love your body. Exercise if you like. Don’t look to money for happiness.

Who’s right?

Well, both approaches have advantages – and disadvantages:

The Self-Improvement Junkies

At its extreme, the self-improvement movement preaches the importance of constantly getting better. That has some obvious advantages:

  • You’ll improve your weaknesses – areas which may be holding you back
  • You may well improve your material conditions (your house, car, bank balance, etc)
  • You can achieve great things, accomplishing a lot not just for yourself but for the wider world

On the flip side, though, focusing too much on self-improvement means:

  • You may feel despairing because you’re never quite happy with your life – however much you do
  • Your achievements can feel empty, especially if you’re chasing someone else’s goals rather than your own
  • You can become judgmental – looking at others and thinking “she should get out of debt” or “he should lose weight”

The Self-Acceptance Hippies

The self-acceptance movement focuses on being happy with where you currently are. Again, there are some obvious advantages:

  • You can celebrate and focus on your strengths – areas where you’re already excelling
  • You don’t need to do a great deal in order to be happier – instead of buying a new car, you can be satisfied with the one you have
  • You’re likely to be focused on kindness, compassion and acceptance of others

But there’s a down side again, because focusing too much on self-acceptance means:

  • You may feel like you’re kidding yourself – trying (and failing) to be happy with your current life
  • You might not achieve very much, using self-acceptance as an excuse for laziness
  • You won’t necessarily stand up and speak out when there really is a need for change in the world

Combining the Two Approaches

It’s probably clear by now that I don’t come down on either side of the fence. There’s a lot of value in both self-improvement and self-acceptance – and I both positions can be taken too far.

Ideally, you want to combine the best of each. They might look incompatible at a glance, but they’re not. One way to bring the two camps together is like this:

You’re a wonderful and unique person with particular skills and attributes – and with the potential to use those fully in being your “best self”.

It’s perfectly possible to accept yourself just how you are, to love the body, mind and soul that you have – and because of that love, to want to keep developing and improving, striving to be the very best person who you can be.

Think of the way you might love your younger siblings or your children. You accept them just how they are, and you wouldn’t want to force them to be someone different. But you also want them to live their own best life – to step up to challenges and follow their dreams.

Today, think about which side of the fence you normally come down on. Are you too hard on yourself, constantly fighting towards goals that you might not really care about? Or are you too laid back, accepting things which – deep down – you really want to change?

Don’t Forget To Follow PickTheBrain on Twitter!

Related Articles:

Overcoming A Loss Of Motivation

Free Audio Books For Motivation

Free Self-Confidence Webinar

If you are interested in finding out how you can improve your self-confidence, please join me and Barrie Davenport from Live Bold and Bloom for a free Self-Confidence webinar on Sunday, February 26, at 8:00 p.m. EST (5:00 Pacific). I will be the presenter, discussing a specific technique you can use every day to improve your self-confidence.

No registration is necessary for the free webinar, but please sign up on the Self-Confidence Course wait list to receive an email later in the week with log-in details. (This does not commit you to taking the course but is a way for us to contact you with the log-in and password.)

At the end of the webinar, I will discuss our upcoming Simple Self-Confidence Course which opens for registration immediately after the webinar. Webinar attendees will receive a discounted price for the Course. If you are not interested in the Simple Self-Confidence Course, you are still warmly welcomed to attend the webinar. You can just sign off when she begins discussing the Course.

Sign Up on Wait List Here to Receive an Email This Week with Webinar Log-In Details.

Simple Self-Confidence Course
Tags: , , , ,
  • http://www.supernalsteve.com supernalsteve

    I think the two go hand in hand – when we’re happy in the moment, accepting life as it is, then we are open to, and accepting of, change – whatever that may be. From that position we are in a much better place, for improving ourselves and realising who we truly are. If we don’t accept, and find peace in, the moment then we must be fighting the moment – a battle we can never win – and in fighting the moment we are never going to move forwards and improve.

  • http://www.lumpuckeroo.com/self-improvement-vs-self-acceptance-which-is-right-lumpuckeroo Self-Improvement vs Self-Acceptance: Which is Right? | Lumpuckeroo | Self Improvement – Overcoming Lumpuckeroo

    [...] PickTheBrain | Motivation and Self Improvement| PickTheBrain | Motivation and Self Improvement [...]

  • http://www.2knowmyself.com Farouk

    Ali, you have answered an important question that people keep asking all the time
    you should have written that post earlier :)

  • http://topsy.com/www.pickthebrain.com/blog/self-improvement-vs-self-acceptance-which-is-right/?utm_source=pingback&utm_campaign=L2 Tweets that mention Self-Improvement vs Self-Acceptance: Which is Right? | PickTheBrain | Motivation and Self Improvement — Topsy.com

    [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Duane McCalla, Rich LoPresti. Rich LoPresti said: RT @PickTheBrain PickTheBrain | Motivation and Self Improvement| PickTheBrain | Motivation and Self Improvement Self-Impr http://is.gd/iM7rl [...]

  • http://www.transformationalmotivation.com/ M. A. Tohami

    My preferred strategy is this:

    “Strengthen your strengths, so that your weaknesses become irrelevant”

  • http://www.livingauthentically.org Evan

    I agree that the approaches can come together.

    I think that one of the divisions is about the “bad” stuff. The acceptors accept it and the improvers reject it. I think this is a genuine difference and can’t be a matter of balancing one against the other.

    Improvement at first is interfered with by pressure. Later, too increase speed when something is routine then competition and such can help (but it improves habitual/automated performance – not performance where thought, analysis or creativity is required). All that goal setting and such can get in the way of performance. Acceptance leads to quicker improvement.

    We can also accept our desire to improve – engage deeply with what fascinates us and so on.

    I think acceptance leads naturally to improvement (depending on what we mean by improvement) but this is only by going through the ‘negative’ stuff.

  • http://www.peopleskillsdecoded.com/communication-coaching/ Communication Coaching

    Hey Ali,

    I was hoping you would talk about combining the two. I think self-improvement and acceptance are not opposites an they can go well together. This means that you can be at peace with your current state and strive for more at the same time.

    Eduard

  • http://www.pharmacytechnicianblog.net Shanon

    I believe they are both important. We should accept ourselves, but I also believe that we should also always continue improving our lives. I believe if we’re not improving, then we’re getting worse. I think it is good to live a balanced life. We need both, but the acceptance part in proportions!

  • http://www.beckyfoster.com Becky

    “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference”…old fashioned, cliche words – but they pretty much sum up the issue for me!

  • http://www.balancedworklife.com/blog Bryce Christiansen

    Really interesting perspective on both sides of the personal development and acceptance camps.

    It is hard for me to just take acceptance as a 100% belief option. I think a healthy blend is the best for me. I have to have an acceptance of who I am in order to have the confidence to take on further personal development.

    Every 3 months I better have progressed further on my skills, knowledge, and goals or else there is no way I’ll accept myself. :)

  • http://www.thereflectiveself.wordpress.com Dandy

    Hi Ali,
    I think self-exporation is very important. There is so much information out there it’s hard to know what will work for us and what won’t. But it is important to seek out education. I think this is why I’m uncomfortable with the phrase self-improvement junkie. It’s negative and degrading. I’ve read so much about self-help. One has to in order to find what is right for them. It’s a journey. I believe self-improvement and self-acceptance are both equally important. The sad thing is when people do nothing to improve themselves and their lives. Thanks Ali!

    Dandy

  • http://www.goal-buddy.com Sasha Berson

    Good post Ali. I am a self-improvement junkie and love it. I have a goals galore and a system to make things happen. However, it is interesting to know the other side and realize that I would be OK with certain aspects of it, as well. Just like the quote Becky recited, accept what can’t be changed and chisel away at everything else worth improvement.

    Cheers and to Your Success! :)

  • http://www.achieveyoursuccess.com Wanna be Successful?

    YES!

    This is getting to my point =))

    Actually, self-acceptance is an important factor of self improvement.
    It is only when you accept yourself that you can really improve yourself to the full potential.

    Kind of controversial at the first sight, but from a psychologic
    point of view,
    When you’re dissatisfied with yourself, it creates all this set of
    negative emotions
    (anxiety, stress, “state of scarcity” )

    Acceptance creates peace, which is an ultimate productive state.

    A deep message here…

    http://www.achieveyoursuccess.com/

  • http://www.motivationalmemo.com Peter G. James Sinclair

    Your article reminds me of MY OLD SHOE……when it comes to this subject of self improvement and self acceptance.

    What is it that makes an old shoe so attractive?

    Comfort is the first word that comes to mind. Another is a knowledge that the shoe has travelled along a similar road as yourself, and so therein lies a sense of relatability and understanding.

    What a joy to be able to sit in the company of another(or yourself) without uttering a word, and yet knowing each others thoughts. There is no need to impress, no need to boast and no need to prove anything at all.

    It also speaks to me of forgiveness and of a love that loves no matter what. It heralds the message of grace and of utter acceptance.

    Snorts and snuffles are overlooked, distasteful habits are often ignored and it speaks to me of two hearts entwined, two minds entangled and two lives embraced, and yet it allows for the free expression of both parties individuality.

    Could this be the ultimate freedom in the truest of sense – just like going for a walk in an old shoe?

    Maybe I just simply accept that I will improve…..especially if I like myself and respect who I am and who I can become. Anyway, after it’s all done the only one I have to impress is MOI!

  • http://ithinketh.com Self Improvement | ithinketh.com

    My view on this, is that self improvement and self acceptance are both paradigms and are also human needs. Whether we believe we need improvement or we believe we need to accept ourselves, depends on what we believe is needed in any moment in time.

    If we observe the world, all thing are in motion. As a generalization, if I believe that learning is of little use, I could accept my current comfort level as sufficient? However, if at another time, I believe that I deserve something more, I can chose to improve myself and consequently my surroundings. I must act to do this and there is no action in self acceptance in this respect. Imagine if we all accepted ourselves all the time? “I am what I am, and that’s all that I am” philosophy. Nothing would ever happen – until we had that ah-ha moment – yes I need to do this or else! So both are woking at different times, depending on what we believe we need.

  • http://potatoehead64.blogspot.com/ Marty

    I spend a lot of time listening and learning from various sources. Very often, we read and hear advice about approaches that appear to be at odds with each other. This even appears in ancient texts and “religious” books.
    The important part in all of this is to teach us balance. Both sides of the advice above have value, but to focus too heavily on either is knock our balance.

    Blessings…

    Marty

  • http://growthnotes.com Ryan Williams

    I’m digging the comments here. Good stuff! I’d be interested in hearing everyone’s response to the question “is self improvement worth the effort?” By most accounts throughout history, increased self-awareness decreases happiness (at least by the worldly definition of happiness). The more problems of which you are aware, the more restless you feel.

    Ryan Williams
    GrowthNotes.com

  • http://www.aliventures.com Ali Luke

    Eduard and others – I touched on combining the two approaches in the third section of this post – didn’t go into huge amounts of detail or it’d have been a bit long!