Feeling Self Conscious

Feeling Self Conscious? Relax, No One is Staring

If you’re human, you’ve done something embarrassing in a public place. And if you’re like most people, you probably felt like everybody was staring at you and judging you harshly. But were they? Picture it:

You and your significant other decide to go out for a rare evening together. You book a table at the best restaurant in town. The babysitter is hired. You both spend hours grooming and dressing for the big event. At the restaurant, the maitre d’ greets you and escorts you past the other diners to a secluded corner. The décor and elegance overwhelm you. You think of the babysitter trying to minimize the damage from the flying macaroni and spilled milk. You feel yourself relaxing for the first time in a long time.You and your mate discuss the wine list with the sommelier. You agree on a wine—a charming Pinot—staring into each others’ eyes all the while. You lean forward to say something intimate and bump your water glass. It flies off the table and lands in front of a passing waiter. You bend for the glass, but the waiter— in a friendly but firm voice—says, “No monsieur, allow me.” You right yourself and pull the menu close to your face. Your mate slowly sinks under the table…

You feel so embarrassed. You’re sure that dozens of people saw what happened. “They probably think I’m a buffoon,” you tell yourself. Relax. It’s not nearly as bad as you think.

No one is staring (much). How do I know this? Easy: Science says so.When I do something embarrassing in public, I feel like there is a huge spotlight shining on me. I feel like everybody is staring at me and thinking the worst. Not so, though.

That’s what the research of Tom Gilovich and his colleagues show. Sometimes, their research subjects wore embarrassing t-shirts in front of observers. Other times, subjects were introduced to observers as bed-wetters. Subjects felt like there was a spotlight on them. Subjects believed they were judged harshly.In truth, they weren’t noticed by many observers and, when observers did notice them, the observers weren’t all that hard on them. So, why do you feel like there’s a spotlight on you? Why do you think your social standing is suffering?

It’s Not Them, It’s You

What we do, think, and feel overwhelms our experience of the world. We are the main characters in our own dramas. Now, we’re not all egomaniacs. We know that we aren’t at the center of everybody else’s experiences, but our experience of ourselves exerts such a strong pull—like an anchor holds a boat firm in a fast current—that it’s hard for us to completely adjust away from it.

Gilovich and colleagues showed that the “spotlight effect” can be eliminated simply by having people focus on things other than their own experience. This scientific insight leads to some good advice: Next time you do something embarrassing and feel like everybody’s staring, focus on all of the other goings-on around you. You’ll be reminded that you are but a bit player in a much larger social drama.

Your significant other should relax as well. My research shows that your mate thinks that your actions have brought shame to the both of you. Not so. If anything, the few people who did notice your water glass hit the floor feel a bit sorry for your lover. And they don’t think you’re that bad either. So, relax: Nobody’s staring (much). Enjoy the soup. I hear it’s good.

Ian Newby-Clark is Professor of Psychology at the University of Guelph in Ontario, Canada. He studies habits and methods for changing them. You can read more about his findings at his blog, My Bad Habits.

12 Responses to Feeling Self Conscious? Relax, No One is Staring

  1. Very interesting, Ian. And very true. It’s amazing how many times I thought I totally embarrassed myself only to have everyone forget about it completely a few days (or weeks) later!

  2. John Wesley says:

    I really enjoyed this as well. I think it relates to my earlier post about overcoming shyness. The truth is that people aren’t judging you nearly as much as you think.

  3. Ravi Vora says:

    I sometimes feel like that when I’m just walking down the street. Everyone is judging me. If I trip even a little bit everyone’s going to start laughing at me.

    Then I realize, hey, they’re thinking the same thing. Even if they do trip, I’m probably not going to laugh at them. I’ll probably feel bad for them.

    I bet you $20 they’d feel bad for you, too.

  4. Alex says:

    Good info. Important topic. I recently wrote a similar article on my blog called
    No One Cares About You Quite Like

  5. I wonder if the research of Tom Gilovich and his colleagues would show the same kind of results in all cultures. I am assuming that the findings were based on studies done only in Western oriented cultures where diversity is the norm..

    In a homogeneous society, the results may be different, especially if the person feeling like they are in the spotlight is, simply because they are different.

    Sometimes, belief a person is being judged is true, and they are noticed by many observers and, when observers do notice them, the observers are hard on them. There’s a spotlight on them. Their social standing does suffer.

  6. Habit Guy says:

    Thanks for the comment. I am not aware of any research done on the spotlight effect in other cultures. It would be great if someone did some. We must keep in mind that the spotlight effect doesn’t mean that people are never noticed or that they are never judged negatively. It’s just that people who think they are in the spotlight overestimate: a) how many observers notice them; and b) how negatively they are judged. It’s possible that, in other cultures, more observers notice and the observers are harsher. But because there is a general tendency (I believe) to under-adjust from the anchor of personal experience, the people spilling the water (or what have you) will still overestimate.

  7. Eileen Chen says:

    Is it really true that no one is staring? Sometimes I go out and dance around by myself when there’s no music, and I see heads turning. When I see someone else do something embarrassing in public, I’ll stare, and sometimes I’ll remember what they did and even (silently) identify them by it if I see them again.

  8. Pingback: Consciousness in Healing the Hidden Self | Self Help Station

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  10. Wgale4 says:

    this does notttt help me with me speech

  11. Wgale4 says:

    uummmmmm u no ur talkin to ur self right?????

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