It’s natural to experience nervousness when meeting new people. So much hangs in the balance of that delicate first impression. Act the wrong way and you might be perceived as stupid, weird, or worst of all, the dreaded creepy.
To prevent this from happening, its important to understand body language and the way it affects perception. By reading the body language of others and managing your own, you can create the first impression that represents you best.
The Basics of Body Language
The idea of reading body language can seem like voodoo, but the truth is you’re already doing it. The mind subconsciously interprets body language and uses it to form impressions.
Do you ever have impressions of people that don’t seem justified? Maybe they strike you as strange or untrustworthy, but for no particular reason? Chances are, their body language is giving off bad signals that your brain is reacting to subconsciously.
Once you start paying attention, these signal are easy to spot. It’s a language you already speak and it’s extremely intuitive, you just need to become consciously receptive to it. This post is intended to be an overview of the basics, but there is more good info here and here.
Projecting Openness
The key to appearing friendly and approachable is projecting openness. Fortunately, it looks just like it sounds. Examples of open body language are:
- Arms at sides (as opposed to crossed).
- Outward facing palms
- Legs stretched out and uncrossed
- Elbows away from the body
- Leaning forward (like you’re interested)
- Standing straight (no slouching)
If you are in a good mood and open to meeting people, you’ll naturally have open body language. We run into problems when we’re in a sour or reclusive mood but still need to be sociable.
Maybe you’re tired, nervous, or a person who doesn’t enjoy big crowds. In these cases, you can actually put yourself into a more likable mood by assuming more likable body language. It sounds crazy, but it works. Force yourself to smile a giant smile and you will instantly feel (at least a little bit) happier. Try it you don’t believe me.
If you are in a social situation and feel things aren’t going well, your natural tendency will be to hide behind closed body language. This will only make things worse. You need to fight your first instinct and focus on projecting the open signals listed above.
Eye Contact
Making eye contact is crucial. Have you ever met someone who couldn’t look you in the eye? What was your perception of them?
Refusal to make eye contact conveys a lack of self confidence and trustworthiness. It makes other people suspicious and unlikely to respect you. Make a concerted effort to look every person you speak with directly in the eye. If that’s too much to ask, an old trick is picking a spot on the lower forehead to stare at.
Eye contact is also a great way to start conversations. The eyes are the window to the soul, so making eye contact creates a powerful connection. Be careful not to stare, but if you see someone you’d like speak with, try to make eye contact as you walk by. If successful, try to open up a conversation.
Adjusting to the Signals of Others
Managing your own body language is only half of the equation. The other half is recognizing and reacting to the body language of others.
If you notice a person has closed body language, it’s a sign you should give them space and proceed with caution. Some people just don’t want to be talked to. Forcing the issue will likely exacerbate their negative feelings.
That’s not to say that closed people should always be avoided, but it’s more effective to warm them up slowly. It’s likely they’re just shy or nervous. When they see your friendliness and open signals they might open up. If not, just move on. It probably has nothing to do with you personally.
Engaging in Conversation
The purpose of open body language is to encourage people to converse with you. This is where you become the life of the party, the person everyone wants to talk to.
Conversation is a subtle art, and this deserves an entire post, but the most important thing I’ve learned can be conveyed in a paragraph:
Ask people about themselves. Find what they’re passionate about and what they’re trying to achieve in life. The answers are often fascinating and different than you’d expect. Your sincere interest will endear you to them and you’ll learn a lot as well. Naturally, they will ask you them same questions about yourself, and in only a few minutes you have made a lasting connection.
Image by dave_apple
A nice post related to your previous article of talking to strangers.
While a basic primer to body language, this can be expounded and explored further. You are bang on about being friendly and approachable can be conveyed through body language subtle cues (and not so subtle ones) that one can elicit people to actually engage in conversation with you in the first place.
I agree that eye contact being so powerful it’s ridiculous. I’ve written about it as being the precursor to sparking a connecting with someone when combined with a subtle cue of naturally smiling.
I feel that there’s this natural magnetism behind it that shouldn’t be broken down, as it takes away from the enjoyment of engaging in someone makes eye contact (not staring/leering) and smiling at the same time.
Being in the company of other people while laughing and having an AWESOME TIME conveys that you are open, friendly and approachable as well.
Finally, while a bit more esoteric, having a solid belief system of one’s self and about others that is congruent with being “friendly and approachable” is paramount. When you already “are” friendly and approachable and believe it (not delusion), you really don’t really need to “try” as others will want to engage you.
John, I really am enjoying your posts about socializing and soft-skills. Keep em coming!
Asking people about themselves is a good plan. People always feel at ease when talking about themselves!
Great post! I have really enjoyed your article lately about making friends and getting out in the world networking. It is so important to be approachable. I have always had a bad habit of crossing my arms that I have to constantly battle. It is so true though, I see someone with their arms cross and no matter what they seem less approachable.
http://www.JuiceofChampions.com
It’s important to always ask questions that show you’re interested. As long as you get people to talk about themselves and take a sincere interest in their lives, you’re bound to get along.
[...] was reading today on a blog and the heading about body language caught my [...]
One aspect that this article missed was that the body language is not always the same across different cultural groups. For example, I’ve worked with individuals who felt that eye contact was disrespectful. While your suggestions are good as general guidelines, depending on the cultural backgrounds of those around you, they may not be entirely accurate. Here are a couple of websites that discuss some of the differences (again in general terms, but this time by cultures):
http://www.medhunters.com/articles/bodyLanguageAcrossCultures.html
http://www.intranet.csupomona.edu/~tassi/gestures.htm
Try throwing a party but the rules are no talking about family or work. You’ll be amazed how quickly you can davelope small talk and be more creative.
great post!
Most of the times we don’t “see” how we stand, how we look and how we interact with people, we just do it; this is a very helpful guide to be conscious of what we´re doing and how to improve our relationships.
Thanks a lot.
What about the face? Our eyes are not the only elements that make us look friendly (don’t use sun glasses!). The eyebrow, the smile are important too. don’t you think?
Great Post! Does anyone know how to anonymously send this post to the entire IT department here at work?? I would say 9 out of 10 of them are NOT approachable at all. To me, they all seem stuck up or too good to talk to us.
Well, I could be considered an IT – type guy (I’m an engineering student), so I may have at least some small insight into their minds. My mind often is just completely blank when I try to start a conversation. In fact, it’s blank a lot in general. I don’t even have much of an inner monologue except when I’m narrating my own actions in my head.
I don’t consider it a lack of confidence. I played trumpet solos in marching band so that definitely is not the case. It’s more a matter of having any comment at all. A lot of times I feel like I’m focusing on my five senses so much and trying to be aware of as much as possible that I imagine starting a conversation with the kid next to me, but all I can think of to say is “hello” or “how was your day.” Then when they respond, I have nothing left, so I hardly even bother. Sometimes their response indicates a different topic that I can delve into, but most of the time people keep their dialogue short, which is very difficult to work with.
It wasn’t always like this when I knew more people… I even recall making some good friends in high school when I had a day here or there where the stars magically aligned and I could think of things to say.
Today, it’s blank as ever.
[...] is the language of relationships. Appear open, friendly and eager to join in and make friends. Stand up straight and look people in the eye. Respect other people’s space by not standing too [...]
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[...] How to Appear Friendly and Approachable [...]
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Just wanted to say that this is an excellent post. I’ve heard some of it before, but it’s great to see it all (and more) jumbled into one guide.
hmmm well thas true, there’s usually the shy defensive smile that we display as soon as we meet someone. what if we considered them someone we have known since school? wouldnt that work amazingly? btw, being too concerned about your body language doesnt help either
the problem with people is that they take too many things way too seriously. approachable people are those who dont give two damns about insignificant issues… that is fun!
Take off your pants. Never seen anyone seem more approachable.
You certainly have to overcome shyness when working in sales and retail.
this site is really helpfull
[...] a good impression through walking is a whole different thing from getting the actual benefits of walking. Image [...]
There is a cultural thing I learned at home that didn’t help me outside of it. At home, direct eye contact was seen as sign of disrespect and a form of confrontation, but when I was at school, not looking a teacher in the eye made her think I was up to something.
Not that it’s a bad thing, but I think the advice in this article relies heavily on mainstream Western cultural memes. Some subcultures don’t do things the same way. I have a hard time looking people in the eye even today, becuase it’s such an intense thing and I was taught not to do it.
yaa thats nice but i m also a very shy type of a person
and don t have 2 many friends but i wants to overcome it plz give me ur suggestens at jesself@ymail.com OK
nice article. i enjoyed it very much,kudos.
very helpful!
I really enjoyed reading this post. I thought it was very insightful on how important body language and projecting the image of openness. Everyone needs to have these qualities, I believe, because with these qualities, more friends can be created and less conflicts can arise. Obviously, being more welcoming can be a great benefit at a party or social gathering where connecting with conversation is imperative. In fact, combine this with a good outfit for the mood of the party, and the result is grand.
[...] How to Appear Friendly and Approachable [3 [...]