Everyone has to deal with difficult people, whether they are argumentative, abusive, stubborn, or combative. The question is, how can you assert your own rights without creating an unnecessary incident?
In most cases, angry people are screaming to be heard. They want to be valued, loved, and listened to. They want to feel important but aren’t able to express themselves constructively. With the right attitude, it’s possible to get past these insecurities and reach an understanding.
These 7 strategies will help you setting disputes quickly and peacefully for the benefit of everyone involved:
1. Remain calm. Be still and say nothing. Let the storm run its course. Often times the angry person wants to provoke you. Arguing is ineffective because it raises barriers. Consider how I handled the barber situation.
2. Let the other person do the talking. He or she will soon grow tired of it. Sometimes that’s all they want. To be heard. To feel important. Everyone wants to feel important. Some people just express it in ways that are counterproductive.
3. Genuinely consider the other person’s point of view. Imagine yourself in his shoes. Never say “you’re wrong.” In fact, try hard to look for areas of agreement and build on them.
4. There’s power in the words “Yes, yes, I see exactly what you’re saying. You mean…….” This shows the other person you hear him/her. That’s all they usually want — to be validated. By agreeing with them, you gradually break down the other person’s anger.
5. If the situation turns verbally abusive, put a stop to it. Firmly but calmly state: “You’re very angry right now and you’re saying things you don’t mean (give them the benefit of the doubt). I’m going to excuse myself. We can talk again after you calm down.” Then leave the room or ask them to leave.
6. If you are wrong, quickly admit it and take responsibility. You could say, “You’re absolutely right, it is my fault and here is what I’ll do to fix it.” Even if you’re NOT wrong, at least give them the benefit of the doubt, “I may be wrong, let’s look at the facts together.” It’s hard to argue with that!
These words have tremendous power. Not only does it validate the other person’s viewpoint but it also diffuses the tension. You might be surprised by what happens afterwards. The person could end up defending you. You’d be amazed how an attacker suddenly becomes an ally.
7. Use the power of visualization. If you’re dealing with someone you interact with on a daily basis (like a boss or co-worker), try to imagine that person as a loving spiritual being. I did this with a boss I had at a Wall Street bank several years ago. He was an absolute tyrant and gave everyone a hard time. In retrospect, he was clearly unhappy and insecure.
One day I started to visualize him as a loving grandfather. When he was in a good mood, he would lovingly talk about his grandchildren. His eyes and face would light up with incredible joy, leading me to realize there was a softhearted man behind the hard facade. Every morning before going to work, I imagined him romping around in the backyard on a warm, breezy day with his grandkids squealing and laughing with delight.
Long story short, this man promoted me almost 1 year later, in no small part due to the power of visualization. No one can dispute that this works because I’ve lived to tell the story. I’ve used it win trips to Mexico and Bermuda (sales contests at Merrill Lynch), to forgive those who have hurt me, to become the world’s first deaf instrument pilot, and to give powerful presentations.
Food for thought: Think about how you’ve dealt with difficult people in the past. Were you tempted to prove them wrong, trying to save face? Were you able to see through the facade and recognize that all they want is to be heard, loved and validated? Have you tried the power of visualization?
Stephen Hopson is a former Wall Street stockbroker turned motivational speaker, author and pilot. He blogs at Adversity University and shares his personal experiences in dealing with adversity through stories, observations, and tips.
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I find remaining calm the cornerstone of this whole article. It’s so easy to let things escalate out of control with two raging egos. And yes, sometimes anger comes from the need to be heard. So letting the person speak without being defensive is absolutely important.
I agree. Like you said, the most important skill is being able to subvert your own ego for the sake of making peace.
This is an exceptional article–and this is coming from one who is sometimes the angry character you’re defending against. When I’m angry it’s because I feel attacked, and as a double minority, the attack is not usually in my own mind.
Funny thing is, I know some who are members of the “majority” who are even quicker to anger than I am. I don’t get that, don’t understand their anger.
Your admonition to “imagine” the angry one as a loving, spiritual being sounds just like my mother and my Sunday School teachers. Hmm.
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The hardest part in conflict resolution is being able to think and respond “outside” the issue. Determining from the beginning to be a peacemaker throughout can be the biggest challenge, yet when it’s done successfully it is extremely rewarding for all parties involved.
Great article! Thanks for sharing your insights.
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Great advice Stephen.
I have a variant of your suggestion to see people as spiritual beings. Years ago someone told me to visualise difficult people on the toilet! It makes them seem less threatening and can even be amusing.
Andrew–with all due respect to the one who gave you that advice, I think there’s a big difference between creating peace and just enjoying (??) a private moment of contempt for the “difficult” person–who probably thinks you are the one who is being difficult.
Of course, I’ve never felt threatened by an angry person, but if you do, and having a strange visual helps, well, um, you’re on your own with this.
Yup… this is good advice. One of my first jobs was in the call center for a major bank. As you can imagine, I had to regularly deal with difficult customers. All these tips worked well for me.
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[…] others don’t. Obviously, there is a talent to dealing with the angry. Along comes a post 7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully which lists some great ideas. I think the most important one is this– if you’re facing […]
This sounds kinda like a certain book I once read:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671723650
LW
If someone is very “in your face” and disrespectful I don’t think it does any harm reduce the fear you have of them by having a little fun in your head.
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[…] In most cases, angry people are screaming to be heard. They want to be valued, loved, and listened to. They want to feel important but aren’t able to express themselves constructively. With the right attitude, it’s possible to get past these insecurities and reach an understanding. […]
Nothing stops an argument more effectively than stabbing someone in the throat. But, as polite society frowns on such sanguineous displays of aggression… these are some really good tips. Thanks.
@ Andrew: was thinking of something similar: walk out calmly, get a shotgun and ‘redecorate’ the shop. When no mirror is left hanging, just put the $12,00 on the counter and leave. Ok, that was the Tarantino scenario. Personally, I would get up, pay and leave. Most likely without a word. I would ‘win’, because his tirade wouldn’t get any response - just leaving him behind bewildered, making him look like…..
easy to forgive…hard to forget
Two things I don’t completely agree with:
1) “…We can talk again after you calm down.” Then leave the room or ask them to leave.”
Unless the room was a part of my own house I would always be the one to leave. Asking them to leave will likely escalate the confrontation again.
2) “If you are wrong, quickly admit it and take responsibility.”
There needs to be emphasis on the ‘IF’ you are wrong. Only do this if you really, really are wrong. If you do it too often, or too easily you can quickly become the target of bullies that know how to talk faster than you.
Nice article. It seems that these tips, however common sense, are rarely used because of your natural reaction. Hopefully people actually use these tips when their gut kicks in.
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Reall good tips for everyone
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[…] 7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully | PickTheBrain Everyone has to deal with difficult people, whether they are argumentative, abusive, stubborn, or combative. The question is, how can you assert your own rights without creating an unnecessary incident? In most cases, angry people are screaming to be hear (tags: advice business politics tips) […]
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Every example you cite involves yielding. What about the situation where the person is stubborn and wrong? How do you change their mind? It seems that all you suggest is stay calm and back away
Mark,
You make a good point. Obviously, if you continue yielding time after time, people will simply walk over you. I think the focus of this article is the beginning point of a conflict, when yielding will help diffuse the situation and getting angry will only fuel it. If being agreeable doesn’t get results, then a more aggressive strategy could become necessary.
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Sure, they are good communication tips. But when you put it in the context of verbal abuse, you’re essentially telling people to sit back and take it. You can’t change someone who is verbally abusive, simply by virtue of responding properly. They are too intent on taking out their anger.
In the very least, if you’re going to mention abuse, it would be nice if you’d advise people to do these things short- term, but NOT long-term. Doing them long term is considered patience, with a normal relationship - but to a verbal abuser, it’s enabling.
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[…] 7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully […]
This is not new stuff. It seems they got this directly from Dale Carnegie.
Yup.. trying to stay calm and keeping your emotions under control (so YOU don’t say things you will come to regret) is a key technique for avoiding escalation of a bad situation.
However, I have found that some people, once they get going, cannot stop themselves from becoming totally overwrought and out of control, continuing to carry on with expanding, irrational, even more serious statements… and NEVER seem to run down or run out of inflammatory, accusing, abusive words. It all comes rushing out in an unbottled tirade of injustice, meaning of course that they are unloading a vastly bigger aggrievement than this one particular matter. And nothing is going to be resolved until that blows over.
Extricating oneself at that point is the only way to survive.
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These tips are great. While I usually don’t get into arguments (in as a modest way as possible, most people tend to like and agree with me) I admit I am quite the cowardly scared person in a conflict - I’ll either become violent or will say something stupid to anger them further before getting out of there as fast as possible. Though the getting out part is good, the rest is bad. Thanks for these, I feel these will help me.
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Thanks for great advice and I needed it. I am a seasoned professional who went back to school and got a degree in current technology plus armed with prior people skills coving decades of sales experience. This younger guy hires me out of need for my education and turns out to be an angry young man who is suffering from wanting power but not knowing how to handle it and lives in a video game lifestyle. Guy sweats me daily for being for so professional and able to handle people so well and remains angry for unknown reasons….so I started visualization concepts that I learned from just caring about people who I always assume the best intentions. I try to see him as a loving father and husband; when he talks about his son his eyes light up. I think visualization seems to neutralize his anger and the core of the anger his wanting to provide a better life for his family. Moreover change in organizational outlook rocks his world yet for me visualizations concepts of seeing him as a loving caring person temporary side track his aim. The other skills mentioned above are a great approach too….I am sure I need those with this guy too…..thanks
I’m glad the article was useful. Visualization can be a powerful technique. It might sound a bit “out there” but imagining something can change your perspective.
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This was a great article, which I read with great interest. For me I feel a key to solving conflicts is to separate the arguments from the people and then to look at the arguments as objectively as possible. If you find favor with one of the arguments or any point, then acknowledge that and thank the person who brought that into the argument. Then, if all people in an argument are acknowledged and thanked, then each one is likely to feel accepted and placcated (if necessary) whatever the eventual outcome or decision made.
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