• http://improvlifestyle.com/ Taylor @ ImprovLifestyle

    I find remaining calm the cornerstone of this whole article. It’s so easy to let things escalate out of control with two raging egos. And yes, sometimes anger comes from the need to be heard. So letting the person speak without being defensive is absolutely important.

  • http://www.pickthebrain.com John Wesley

    I agree. Like you said, the most important skill is being able to subvert your own ego for the sake of making peace.

  • LW

    This is an exceptional article–and this is coming from one who is sometimes the angry character you’re defending against. When I’m angry it’s because I feel attacked, and as a double minority, the attack is not usually in my own mind.

    Funny thing is, I know some who are members of the “majority” who are even quicker to anger than I am. I don’t get that, don’t understand their anger.

    Your admonition to “imagine” the angry one as a loving, spiritual being sounds just like my mother and my Sunday School teachers. Hmm.

  • http://www.thought-blender.com/2007/09/24/7-tips-for-resolving-conflicts-quickly-and-peacefully/ 7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully . . . | Thought-Blender:

    [...] | view source | [...]

  • http://www.davidsfinch.com David Finch

    The hardest part in conflict resolution is being able to think and respond “outside” the issue. Determining from the beginning to be a peacemaker throughout can be the biggest challenge, yet when it’s done successfully it is extremely rewarding for all parties involved.

    Great article! Thanks for sharing your insights.

  • http://artofleading.net/2007/09/24/do-you-have-the-characteristics-of-an-effective-leader/ Pick The Brain Links | the art of leading

    [...] 7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully  [...]

  • http://www.selfhelpthatworks.blogspot.com Andrew

    Great advice Stephen.

    I have a variant of your suggestion to see people as spiritual beings. Years ago someone told me to visualise difficult people on the toilet! It makes them seem less threatening and can even be amusing.

  • LW

    Andrew–with all due respect to the one who gave you that advice, I think there’s a big difference between creating peace and just enjoying (??) a private moment of contempt for the “difficult” person–who probably thinks you are the one who is being difficult.

    Of course, I’ve never felt threatened by an angry person, but if you do, and having a strange visual helps, well, um, you’re on your own with this.

  • http://www.iwillchangeyourlife.com Peter (Iwillchangeyourlife.com)

    Yup… this is good advice. One of my first jobs was in the call center for a major bank. As you can imagine, I had to regularly deal with difficult customers. All these tips worked well for me.

  • http://generalsciences.topdiggnews.com/2007/09/24/7-tips-for-resolving-conflicts-quickly-and-peacefully/ General Sciences top DIGG news » Blog Archive » 7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully

    [...] read more | digg story [...]

  • http://www.pondermarketing.com/?p=198 Ponder Marketing » Blog Archive » Facing the angry and ticked off customer

    [...] others don’t. Obviously, there is a talent to dealing with the angry. Along comes a post 7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully which lists some great ideas. I think the most important one is this– if you’re facing [...]

  • G

    This sounds kinda like a certain book I once read:

    http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671723650

  • http://www.selfhelpthatworks.blogspot.com Andrew

    LW

    If someone is very “in your face” and disrespectful I don’t think it does any harm reduce the fear you have of them by having a little fun in your head.

  • http://www.howtoplaza.com/2007/09/25/how-to-resolve-a-conflict/ How To Resolve a Conflict.

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  • http://ssarin.com/blog/tag/7-tips-for-resolving-conflicts-quickly-and-peacefully/ Absolut 360° » 7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully

    [...] In most cases, angry people are screaming to be heard. They want to be valued, loved, and listened to. They want to feel important but aren’t able to express themselves constructively. With the right attitude, it’s possible to get past these insecurities and reach an understanding. [...]

  • Andrew Krause

    Nothing stops an argument more effectively than stabbing someone in the throat. But, as polite society frowns on such sanguineous displays of aggression… these are some really good tips. Thanks.

  • Jay

    @ Andrew: was thinking of something similar: walk out calmly, get a shotgun and ‘redecorate’ the shop. When no mirror is left hanging, just put the $12,00 on the counter and leave. Ok, that was the Tarantino scenario. Personally, I would get up, pay and leave. Most likely without a word. I would ‘win’, because his tirade wouldn’t get any response – just leaving him behind bewildered, making him look like…..

  • shayne

    easy to forgive…hard to forget

  • Barius

    Two things I don’t completely agree with:

    1) “…We can talk again after you calm down.” Then leave the room or ask them to leave.”
    Unless the room was a part of my own house I would always be the one to leave. Asking them to leave will likely escalate the confrontation again.

    2) “If you are wrong, quickly admit it and take responsibility.”
    There needs to be emphasis on the ‘IF’ you are wrong. Only do this if you really, really are wrong. If you do it too often, or too easily you can quickly become the target of bullies that know how to talk faster than you.

  • http://ravivora.com/blog Ravi Vora

    Nice article. It seems that these tips, however common sense, are rarely used because of your natural reaction. Hopefully people actually use these tips when their gut kicks in.

  • http://howiwillberich.com/2007/09/another-tuesday-and-lots-of-great-links/ Another Tuesday and Lots of Great Links! | How I Will Be Rich

    [...] The Brain has 7 Tips For Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully. If you work in an office with several other employees with different personalities, you know what [...]

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    [...] 7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully | PickTheBrain mwahaha (tags: conflict) [...]

  • http://www.pak-times.com Rubab

    Reall good tips for everyone

  • http://simplyauser.wordpress.com/2007/09/26/links-for-2007-09-26/ links for 2007-09-26 « Simply… A User

    [...] 7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully | PickTheBrain (tags: conflict lifehacks resolution relationships tips business life psychology leadership **) [...]

  • http://james.a.arconati.net/index.php/2007/09/26/delicious/links-for-2007-09-26/ links for 2007-09-26 at James A. Arconati

    [...] 7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully | PickTheBrain Everyone has to deal with difficult people, whether they are argumentative, abusive, stubborn, or combative. The question is, how can you assert your own rights without creating an unnecessary incident? In most cases, angry people are screaming to be hear (tags: advice business politics tips) [...]

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  • Mark

    Every example you cite involves yielding. What about the situation where the person is stubborn and wrong? How do you change their mind? It seems that all you suggest is stay calm and back away

  • http://www.pickthebrain.com John Wesley

    Mark,

    You make a good point. Obviously, if you continue yielding time after time, people will simply walk over you. I think the focus of this article is the beginning point of a conflict, when yielding will help diffuse the situation and getting angry will only fuel it. If being agreeable doesn’t get results, then a more aggressive strategy could become necessary.

  • http://www.nax2000.com/?p=286 Health Tips » Blog Archive » 7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully

    [...] Read more… [...]

  • http://beinspiredeveryday.com/2007/09/28/web-authors-who-inspire-me-vi/ Web Authors Who Inspire Me VI : Be Inspired Every Day

    [...] Hopson offers practical and powerful list of tips to get along those we find difficult: 7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully at Pick the [...]

  • http://www.techblogger.org/2007/09/29/personal-relationships-how-to-deal-with-a-verbally-abusive-person/ Personal Relationships: How to Deal With a Verbally Abusive Person · TechBlogger

    [...] his/her choice of words, it also saves you from retorting with words you probably will regret. Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully [Pick the [...]

  • http://tinyplanetblog.com/?p=325 Tiny Planet » Links of the day

    [...] Seven tips for resolving conflicts quickly and peacefully. We all go up against at least one nutjob in our lives, here’s a remarkably common sense guide to dealing with them. (Pick The Brain) [...]

  • http://tolagomi.com/news/2007/09/29/personal-relationships-how-to-deal-with-a-verbally-abusive-person/ Personal Relationships: How to Deal With a Verbally Abusive Person | Tolagomi News

    [...] his/her choice of words, it also saves you from retorting with words you probably will regret. Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully [Pick the [...]

  • http://januarys.wordpress.com me

    Sure, they are good communication tips. But when you put it in the context of verbal abuse, you’re essentially telling people to sit back and take it. You can’t change someone who is verbally abusive, simply by virtue of responding properly. They are too intent on taking out their anger.

    In the very least, if you’re going to mention abuse, it would be nice if you’d advise people to do these things short- term, but NOT long-term. Doing them long term is considered patience, with a normal relationship – but to a verbal abuser, it’s enabling.

  • http://www.mcdave.net/post/667 mcdave.net » links for 2007-10-01

    [...] Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully (tags: conflict lifehacks relationships tips psychology resolution business life) [...]

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    [...] 7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully [...]

  • http://pickthebrain Jenny Beach

    This is not new stuff. It seems they got this directly from Dale Carnegie.

  • http://www.artedelstein.com art edelstein

    Yup.. trying to stay calm and keeping your emotions under control (so YOU don’t say things you will come to regret) is a key technique for avoiding escalation of a bad situation.

    However, I have found that some people, once they get going, cannot stop themselves from becoming totally overwrought and out of control, continuing to carry on with expanding, irrational, even more serious statements… and NEVER seem to run down or run out of inflammatory, accusing, abusive words. It all comes rushing out in an unbottled tirade of injustice, meaning of course that they are unloading a vastly bigger aggrievement than this one particular matter. And nothing is going to be resolved until that blows over.

    Extricating oneself at that point is the only way to survive.

    [art]

  • Chris

    These tips are great. While I usually don’t get into arguments (in as a modest way as possible, most people tend to like and agree with me) I admit I am quite the cowardly scared person in a conflict – I’ll either become violent or will say something stupid to anger them further before getting out of there as fast as possible. Though the getting out part is good, the rest is bad. Thanks for these, I feel these will help me.

  • http://peety-passion.com/peetypassion/2007/10/03/the-best-of-september/ The Best Of September…. | Peety Passion

    [...] 7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully [...]

  • Greg Harris

    Thanks for great advice and I needed it. I am a seasoned professional who went back to school and got a degree in current technology plus armed with prior people skills coving decades of sales experience. This younger guy hires me out of need for my education and turns out to be an angry young man who is suffering from wanting power but not knowing how to handle it and lives in a video game lifestyle. Guy sweats me daily for being for so professional and able to handle people so well and remains angry for unknown reasons….so I started visualization concepts that I learned from just caring about people who I always assume the best intentions. I try to see him as a loving father and husband; when he talks about his son his eyes light up. I think visualization seems to neutralize his anger and the core of the anger his wanting to provide a better life for his family. Moreover change in organizational outlook rocks his world yet for me visualizations concepts of seeing him as a loving caring person temporary side track his aim. The other skills mentioned above are a great approach too….I am sure I need those with this guy too…..thanks

  • http://www.pickthebrain.com John Wesley

    I’m glad the article was useful. Visualization can be a powerful technique. It might sound a bit “out there” but imagining something can change your perspective.

  • http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/10/06/link-karma-6-october-2007/ Link Karma – 6 October 2007

    [...] there was an excellent post about diffusing conflicts a few weeks back over at Pick the [...]

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    Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully…

    [...][...]…

  • http://www.adversityuniversityblog.com/?p=158 Some News and Link Love

    [...] entitled, “How to Deal with Difficult People” that was subsequently renamed, “7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully.” In that article was a link to my “Adversity at the Barbershop” story that drew [...]

  • http://www.adversityuniversityblog.com/?p=153 Stephen a Guest at Popular "Pick the Brain" Blog

    [...] me an opportunity to share 7 ways of dealing with difficult people in an article entitled “7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully.” It is exactly the same article I once wrote (see “Most Popular Articles” in the [...]

  • http://www.dougwoods.com Douglas Woods

    This was a great article, which I read with great interest. For me I feel a key to solving conflicts is to separate the arguments from the people and then to look at the arguments as objectively as possible. If you find favor with one of the arguments or any point, then acknowledge that and thank the person who brought that into the argument. Then, if all people in an argument are acknowledged and thanked, then each one is likely to feel accepted and placcated (if necessary) whatever the eventual outcome or decision made.

  • http://www.nova-rabota.com/2007/10/10/how-to-resolve-conflicts/ Нова работа » Blog Archive » Как да разрешаваме конфликти бързо и ефективно

    [...] твърди Stephen Hopson в блога Pick The Brain. Нещо повече, той прелага 7 стратегии, които могат да [...]

  • http://cyril.leysin.net/2007/10/14/my-delicious-bookmarks-for-december-13th-through-october-13th/ My del.icio.us bookmarks for December 13th through October 13th at Discovering my World…

    [...] Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully – Everyone has to deal with difficult people, whether they are argumentative, abusive, stubborn, or combative. The question is, how can you assert your own rights without creating an unnecessary incident? [...]

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    [...] Septyni patarimai, kaip greitai ir neskausmingai išspręsti konfliktus, dešimt pamokų iš vaikų ir kūno kalba bei aštuoni jos žudikai. Kalbant apie paskutinį [...]

  • http://napkatopscience.com/2007/10/30/7-tips-for-resolving-conflicts-quickly-and-peacefully/ Napka’s Top Science » Blog Archive » 7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully

    [...] read more | digg story [...]

  • http://theuniversityblog.co.uk/2007/11/19/everything-i-learned-so-far-applied-to-everything/ Everything I Learned so far Applied to Everything « TheUniversityBlog

    [...] Hit People = Stay Calm & [...]

  • http://www.adversityuniversityblog.com/2007/12/06/end-of-the-week-gratitude-theme-6/ End of the Week Gratitude Theme #6

    [...] I’ve always realized the far-reaching power of blogging but it wasn’t until this week I realized just how much.  Back in September 2007 (one month before we moved to WordPress), I posted ”7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully,” at hugely popular Pick the Brain.   [...]

  • http://www.adversityuniversityblog.com/2007/12/21/end-of-the-week-gratitude-theme-8/ End of the Week Gratitude Theme #8

    [...] for a speaking engagement in Florida materialized last week for January 2008, thanks to the same article on conflict resolution that led me to be invited for an interview on a popular Midwest radio [...]

  • http://www.how2dealwithdifficultpeople.com/techniques-difficult-people/resolve-conflicts-peacefully Dealing with Difficult People Blog » Blog Archive » Resolve Conflicts Peacefully

    [...] read a blog post recently called 7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully written by Stephen [...]

  • http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/blog-success/ The True Believers Guide to Blogging | PickTheBrain

    [...] that you otherwise never would have had. Stephen Hopson from Adversity University credits a guest post he wrote on PickTheBrain for leading to a major speaking engagement in Orlando, Florida. And as John recently wrote about in [...]

  • http://magby-magby.blog.friendster.com/2007/11/7-tips-for-resolving-conflicts-quickly-and-peacefully/ mAgBy » Blog Archive » 7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully

    [...] Credits: PickTheBrain [...]

  • Khupneireng Leivon

    Sir.

    I have read the articles Kindly Send me maney articles to my email address.It help me to control myself and calm .
    Thanking you.
    Khupneireng Leivon
    3/11/2008

  • http://mysuperchargedlife.com/blog/please-dont-tell-everyone-about-my-terrible-mistake/ Please Don’t Tell Everyone About My Terrible Mistake! | My Super-Charged Life

    [...] I frequently make the mistake of escalating conflict between myself and those I care about.  I’m not proud of it, but I know I have done it on too many occasions.  Often, instead of diffusing a conflict, I tend to have the opposite effect.  I make things worse by letting my temper get the better of me.  I fail to give the other person room to bow out of the situation gracefully.  Over the years, I have slowly come to realize that it is better to try to resolve the situation quickly and peacefully. [...]

  • http://technote.thedeveloperside.com/?p=430 Technical Related Notes » Blog Archive » links for 2007-09-26

    [...] 7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully | PickTheBrain (tags: tips leadership communication) [...]

  • http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/8367 mental_floss Blog » October 1, 2007

    [...] Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully. Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor. But if that doesn’t [...]

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  • http://dlkrizan.wordpress.com/2009/10/27/steps-towards-resolving-conflict/ Steps Towards Resolving Conflict « Never seize to amaze…

    [...] Click here for the link to the original article Published in: [...]

  • http://opalcliffs.org lon arriola

    true dat barius great addition to the discussion, i totally agree.

  • http://www.oneworldconnections.com contact center Philippines

    These suggestions actually fit perfectly in a call center setting. Customers may often find themselves in a conversation with an agent and it may seem that the agent is not helping much. Equally, an agent may occasionally find himself speaking with an irate customer. Your tips can help pacify any aggressive situation and leave both sides feeling happy.

  • james
  • james

    Seven tips for resolving conflicts quickly and peacefully. We all go up against at least one nutjob in our lives, here’s a remarkably common sense guide to dealing with them.
    Good Health

    james
    williams
    =================

  • http://happydodo dodo

    this stuff is stupid and dumb haha lol.

  • http://happydodo dodo

    this has reall not helped me y do you put this stuff up to supposdley help someone get a life

  • Jamal

    poop

  • Jamal

    pee

  • mel

    awesome thank you so much

  • http://www.resolvethisconflict.com Cathy

    Great article. I love the tip where you mention “There is power in the words “Yes, yes, I see exactly what you’re saying. You mean…….” This one statement can turn an argument around because you allow the other person to know that you hear him/her.

  • http://GOOGLE ANNY

    I ALWAYS WANT TO REMAIN CALM BT LOOSE MY TEMPER VERY QUICKLY..I TRIED MANY WAYS TO CUT DOWN MY ANGER BUT ALWAYS FIND MYSELF IN A GREAT DILEMA…I SAYS THINGS WHICH CAN BE HURTING BUT I CAN’T HELP IT OUT….

  • http://twitter.com/LeadingQuotes Leadership Quotes

    Just wrote about this on my blog actually. I find it great that our first point, stay calm, is the same! (http://wp.me/1D5NC

    I really think that this contains some great tips, even though it was posted years ago. 

  • Adrian Cremona

    great tips – as someone who lives with a person with anger issues i know i have tried many many methods to “change” their behaviour…. this makes me realise i need to change my behaviour – not be so reactionary and not take it personal – some people just suck at expressing themselves…

  • Adrian Cremona

    great tips – as someone who lives with a person with anger issues i know i have tried many many methods to “change” their behaviour…. this makes me realise i need to change my behaviour – not be so reactionary and not take it personal – some people just suck at expressing themselves…

  • Www Cleo14

    i think that using a co-operative method is wayt easier because this method does not cause more conflick it resolves the problem by identifying a creative solution by using positive discussion.

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  • Coolman168

    this is great

  • Annalie_esguerra

    could you send me the full copy 

  • Dez

    I really liked these steps but the problem is, what if it is not you who spoils the moment,I mean what if the person you are talking to is not open to listen and understand your side.

  • Deadboy Love

    I understand your this little problem, usually this happen under the circumstances where we didn’t find the things according to our expectation.. so stay in touch with someone who  you like the most spend time with that try to do the thing of his/her choices, trust me you will find a very big change in yourself.
    Thank You
    Regards
    Jagmohan Verma

  • Joan Cooper

    Jealousy and hostility in immediate family…..

  • http://www.shalleradr.com/ Hally

    It sounds like the key is not to take things personally.