All my life I’ve been an inwardly directed person. While some people like to think out loud, I prefer to process the world internally, answer my own questions, and come to a conclusion before speaking up.
This personality trait has benefits and drawbacks. On the positive side, it’s a source of strength as a writer and analytical thinker. Without it I wouldn’t have taken an interest in books/writing and this site wouldn’t exist. On the downside, my tendency to keep everything inside is responsible for one of my major weaknesses — shyness.
Understanding Shyness
Shyness is rooted in fear — an irrational fear of speaking up and being humiliated or ignored. Why are some people so afraid of speaking out? In my mind the main causes are oversensitivity and insecurity. When you associate speaking out with pain and embarrassment, you’ll do almost anything to avoid it.
Unfortunately, shyness is an enormous detriment to success. For people who share this problem, it’s important to understand the causes and work towards overcoming it.
It’s Not You It’s Them
For naturally quiet people, the fear of speaking can arise from a few bad experiences, especially at an early age. When an adult reacts angrily or dismissively to an attempt at self expression, it’s natural to take it personally and shy away from future expression. Even if this only happens once or twice, people tend to exaggerate these incidents until they become mental monsters. Growing up, it took me a long time to realize how self centered people are. The way someone reacts to something you say usually has nothing to do with you–it’s more likely a reflection of the mood they’re in or a recent event in their life.
A key to overcoming shyness is recognizing these perceived slights for what they are–meaningless. When someone reacts to you negatively, don’t take it personally. Imagine the other person’s perspective. Is there something that may have put them in a bad mood? Are they trying to cover up their own inadequacy? Considering the perspective of the other person makes it easier to put their reaction in the proper context.
It’s also essential to let go of bad experiences. When you dwell on a bad experience, it grows into something much more frightening than reality. Don’t do this to yourself! The more you think about a bad experience the more power you give it. Don’t blame yourself. Think about something constructive. The more you can fill your mind with positive memories of speaking up the easier it gets.
Other People Aren’t So Different
Another important step in overcoming shyness is realizing that other people are basically the same as you. Everyone is insecure and afraid of embarrassment. Other people usually aren’t as smart as you think. If you have a question, chances are someone else is wondering about the same thing.
Don’t let one or two bad experiences dictate your entire opinion of humanity. By and large, people are friendly and interested in connecting with others. They’ll respond favorably to your attempts at communicating. In most cases, people will be thrilled that you took the initiative to break the ice.
Realizing Self Worth
The second cause of shyness is insecurity. If you don’t think you have anything valuable to contribute, what’s the point of risking embarrassment?
To get over this you need to recognize the merit of your own thoughts and the value they present to others. It’s ironic that the people most inclined towards shyness are often the most thoughtful. To reach your potential, you need to share yourself with the world. Your brilliant insights don’t hold any value until they’ve enlightened someone else.
The best way to get accustomed to sharing is practice. Force yourself to speak up, especially when you don’t want to. Sit in the front of the room and make yourself visible. Understand that sharing your insights with people is doing them a favor. Once you get used to opening up, you’ll notice how positively people react. This will build your self confidence and faith in the goodwill of others.
The Duty to Contribute
Overcoming shyness isn’t just something you should do for yourself, it’s also part of being a contributing member of society. When you have a thought or idea that deserves to be heard, you’re not only hurting yourself by keeping quiet, you’re hurting the people around you.
A basketball coach once explained to me how passing can selfish. If a player has an open shot that she can make, and she decides to pass instead, that player is being selfish and hurting the team. When you pass up the chance to excel because of shyness or the fear of failure, you’re hurting the group to shelter yourself.
Other people need you. They need your intelligence and insight. They need your help to work through problems. By hiding behind shyness, you limit the help you can give to your friends, family members, and colleagues.
A college professor of mine used to make a big deal about overcoming shyness. He called it a, “silly, foolish habit,” and said, “the sooner you can break it the better.” Shyness doesn’t benefit anyone. Saving yourself a little embarrassment doesn’t amount to much in the long run. By overcoming shyness, you give yourself the chance to be recognized and promoted. You create opportunities and open yourself up to forming meaningful relationships.
Don’t keep your talent inside, share at every opportunity so it can grow and flourish.
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Great insights. Thanks for the article.
As an often overly introverted guy myself, I thought this was an excellent little article.
Thanks — I’m glad you were able to relate to it.
Hi John, loved the article. Being excessively shy for all my life, this seemed like an eye opener. I would like to add that apart from the fear, if at all I do say something stupid (that does tend to happen with all the anxiety…) I tend to brood over it for ages making it shadow every achievement and smart thing I did in life… I realized that I was believing my life being just a collection of all the bad experiences.. so I guess while tackling the whole thing, its important to let go.. (cause everybody else would have let it go sooner than you realize… nobody has the time to brood over my stupidities)
im in the same position as most of you. when it comes to talking to people on the phone or computer i can talk all day long but when it comes to face to face situations i freeze up. my mind starts racing searching for something to say and i get all tense but never come up with anything more than a red face and tense muscles. always wonder if i have an anxiety disorder or if im shy. sometimes i feel like im an abnormal freak and it sucks. i even have a hard time talking with family. all i know is that i’m not getting any younger and i dont want to feel like this anymore. can anyone help.
GOOD ADVICE WILL DO YOU GOOD
I’m exactly the same! look, here’s some advice. like one of the comments say, you probaably just scared of what u are going to say people will think what you said is gay or stupid or what not, but if u do say something stupid , yea people might talk about but they won’t think about it as much as you. I still have to overcome my shyness. anyway, when i’m with my family i talk a lot and say whats on my mind. but when i’m with other people I don’t know what to say!!! But i know for sure if i think i don’t know what to say when people are talkin about me…IT’S NOT TRUE!!! because if one of my family memebers would say something i don’t care what they say back to me. Think about other classmates in class (if u still in school). They just say whats on their mind, they probably act the same way they do at home, so why shouldn’t u do the same? My biggest problem, and maybe yours too, is when people are talkin to me, my mind goes blank. I’m tryin to think quickly of what to say back. but nothin comes to my mind. The biggest problem of us shy people is probably that we care too much of what people think about us. Like I see this one guy he acts the same way i would with my family, all crazy and stuff, in school, but i can’t act like that in school! lately i’ve been seeing a decline in the number of my friends ( or at least i notice more than before now) So I guess we just have to stay natural when we go out into the world, loosen up, relax, not be so tense, say what you would say if you were typing, talkin on the phone, or with your family. I know all this stuff, but i just put it into practice. but i do gotta say that i have improved a lot since last year in school. I thought i was doin good so far, but then 3 months ago i started feeling down again as i would last year because when i talk to people “I don’t know what to say”. I’m starting to recooperate though. I think the problem was that one of my best good friends,andy, started laughing and saying that i looked funny. he would say the same about my other friend, jeremiah, but he says he only looks funny when he’s mad. anyway i dealt with with his laughing at me for almost a week until i told him that he was pissing me off. i stopped talkin to him because he was annoying to me but then later i wanted to be freinds with him again but he doesn’t wanna talk to me that much as before. man and he was one of my best friends. he found out that i told our other friend jeremiah that he laughs at our “funny faces” and i think that’s why he doesn’t talk to me that much cuz i thinks he feels as if we’re talkin bad about him. then i told jeremiah that he seems to be ignoring me and jeremiah asked him why he wasn’t talkin to me that much as before and guess what he says… he says that when he says somehtin to me, i don’t say that much to him. ever since that incident (and that happened about three months ago) i seemed to think about how many friends i have and that not many people talk to me. I keep thinkin about it now. now i try to talk to andy and he talks to me but not that much, but i realize now, well i actually i already knew, is that i don’t say that many funny things and when i’m done talkin to him he turns to one of our friends in calss, josh, and josh apparently, is very funny to him. when i’m talkin to andy now i continue the conversation but im not that funny. when he talks to josh, josh says many funny things and andy seems to wanna talk to him more than me. right now im not that sad anymore. today i was laughin with my friends and stuff. but the only 2 people botherin me now is Josh and Andy. apparently they like to hang out with people who are ALWAYS funny. when i say somehting funny josh talks to me, but after i while he turns to his even “funnier friends” andy and kevin. I don’t really have many problems with my other friends, but when i see someone is funny everybody wants to hang out with that guy and i think “why can’t i be like that”. the only problem i have with josh is that sometimes when he says something he expects me to laugh, but sometimes i can’t hear him or I don’t get his joke, and i always haer andy laugh at all of josh’s jokes, and it’s annoying because i don’t get a lot of those jokes!! and when he seems to laugh at all his jokes josh seems to talk to him more than me. When i don;t laugh, the guys people that laugh a lot at someone joke, the person seems to want to hang out with him more. so ever since that incident with andy 3 months ago i think now that i don’t have the sense of humor other people have and that they don’t wanna talk with me. i usually feel like that when josh, andy, or this other “funny” guy named daniel is around. mostly andy!!! andy is killin me man!! but when i’m with other people i seem to be happy. so it’s like i don’t want andy or josh in my life. but daniel is cool. even though i wish he would talk to me rather than all the other people in my class (I’m a guy by the way). sorry for talkin about my life. lol. i had to think about what was happening to me in my life. so basically right now my problem is thati wish to be funny. everybody is always talkin more to people that are funny than me. and that hurts inside me man. people laugh when i say something funny. but when other people are ALWAYS funny they wanna talk to them.i still have friends that talk to me rather than other people though. don’t think that im an extreme outcast and that i’m extremely lonely. lol. i’m not a complete loser. lol. (sorry! i had to write what was happening in my life to examine the things that are happening to me, lol) ANYWAY, back to helping you, at home i seem to be funny, but at school or other places not so much, so us shy people just have to loosen up, don’t take ourselves too seriously, don’t be so stiff… be natural, man. just look at all the other people, they say what’s on their mind and sometimes they get embaressed to, but they don’t stay down. don’t think too much about the embaressing things that have happened to you or you think will happen to you. that’s what makes you shy. I would like to talk to you some more, lol. maybe we can help eachother out! here’s my email: elemental_fire@sbcglobal.net you can either reply to me by replying to my comment here or by e-mailing me, but i think email is better. well good luck on overcoming your shyness! reply to me when you get the chance!
Like u have rightly said daniel, when it comes to chatting with people on the internet and on phone, I can go on and on but face to face seems to be the problem. Another problem I think I have is that I hardly get interested in what people do or say, that is, I have very limited interests.
[...] Still, shyness, in its own little ways, prevents you from connecting with people and you need to connect to people to succeed in both personal and professional life. Again, overcoming shyness is not like overcoming a weakness. It’s just a behavioral trait that you might want to alter in order to reach out more and be more expressive around friends and strangers. John on his blog tells you how to overcome shyness. [...]
Great article as always!
I feel (for myself and for others) that writing a blog is some sort of therapy for shyness. Some do it undercover and some don’t. What’s essential is to communicate our personal thoughts and values.
Knowing that many people from around the world do value our ideas increase our self-esteem in real life too.
When you know that so many people agree with you, that’s not a fistfull of people in a room that can destroy your faith in yourself.
Laurent
Great post.
Another way to help, especially for people that are cripplingly shy, is through social skills practice. Social skills give people confidence to overcome their shyness.
Anyway, I especially like the part about duty to overcome shyness.
I think that there’s an earlier precursor to shyness than insecurity. I think it’s simple pride. Your first reaction to this will probably be “WTF?” but follow my thinking here…
As a formerly shy person, I always attributed my shyness to fear that came from a lack of understanding of what to do in social situations. But with deeper probing (the kind of self-estimation with which we introverts are often so blessed), I began to see that pride was the deeper cause.
Here’s why:
We don’t want to look bad! So we don’t take the risky chance of speaking up. Obviously, taking chances leads to experience, and experience to understanding; so avoiding the early social interactions, we grew up without a solid understanding of how to behave in those ways. But abandon that “fear of man” (applying the most extreme definition here), and suddenly, shyness dries up because the fear goes away.
Note that I’m talking about SHYNESS here, not simply being introverted. I know many introverts that will boldly speak their minds when something doesn’t add up.
I agree with you on breaking shyness by contributing; however, there are drawbacks and I think you touched on some of them earlier in you piece. “Growing up, it took me a long time to realize how self centered people are.” People are self centered and what I’ve found is that when I contribute there are a few people who just don’t want to hear it even when the majority accept my contribution as well formed and valid. I am nowhere close to overcoming my shyness but your advice about observing reactions and understanding that they have little to do with what I’ve said and more to do with what is going on in the listeners will likely help me further.
I would like to ask a question about whether we should filter our contributions. For instance, take the following conversation:
Reporter: Jonathan just got an awesome face paint job, what do you think?
Jonathan: I like turtles!
Would you consider Jonathan’s contribution to be trite and uninteresting or something that will award a win in the ‘Fight Against Shyness’ column.
Peter,
I definitely get what you’re saying about pride. I’d say it’s what inspires the fear behind shyness in many cases.
Geoff,
You’re definitely right about practice — it’s probably the best way to get comfortable!
Laurent,
You’re right about the usefulness of blogging, and sharing your ideas in general. For shy people it can be good way to take a small step and build confidence. Perhaps that’s why we find so many introverts of the web.
Dave,
Regarding your question. In most cases I think shy people contribute far too little. They are much more likely to err on the side of not speaking.
When they have an urge to contribute, what they have to say is very worthwhile. So while the comment of your hypothetical character didn’t add much value, the comment of the average shy person will generally be worth making.
Besides, people that make thoughtless comments usually aren’t shy in the first place — they err on the opposite side and don’t think before speaking.
GOOD ADVICE
Excellent work, you’ve inspired me to stop being lazy. I think half the time I avoid speaking up because I know someone is going to disagree with me, and I don’t want to exert the effort of arguing with them.
I loved the baseball coach quote, so true… Played basketball with a good friend who basically told me the same thing. Thanks for the great read, look forward to reading the ‘How to instantly build self confidence’ article. Take care.
We need more articles on how over social people need to shut the hell up. It’s worse than shyness in my opinion.
lol!
Thanks Tony — The duty contribute is definitely one of the big clicks I had that motivated me to get over shyness.
GW — Haha, you have point. That could be another article. Unfortunately, I think the problem isn’t that these people don’t know how to be quiet, it’s that they don’t like to.
Thank you for this article. It gives me hope.
Great post. I agree 100% that blogging (or any form of self expression) is fantastic for dealing and eventually overcoming the areas of shyness you want to take control of.
[...] felt identified, to say the leastread more | digg [...]
hey man, great article. Another wonderful practice for shy people (I am not one of them however, but my girlfriend is) is to do something outlandish to overcome the fear. My girlfriend recently did Karaoke in front of hundreds of people, and although she was terrified beforehand it helped her attain a sense of accomplishment. Overcome the fear by just doing it!
it’s only after you ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything
Good insights on the inhibition / fear of speaking up aspect of shyness.
As with any fear related area, you’ve got to be careful about thinking there are magic insights and observations about your fear that will instantly make it go away. Insights can be valuable, but you won’t be instantly fixed just by logically realizing x is nothing to worry about. There’s a strong ‘easier said than done’ element in play.
In my experience, you need to force yourself out of your comfort zone. You also need to build up a backlog of experiences that confirm your new view that people are understanding, non-judgmental, etc.
As for overly social people not knowing when to shut up, I think the middle ground is best. Some outgoing people do need to learn when someone is busy, or that the other person doesn’t care about their topic,or that they’ve talked too long. But on the other hand, some introverted types need to loosen up a little about being around talkative types. Life is definitely easier for me since I became more easygoing in that regard.
Chris,
I 100% agree about insights not being a magic fix. In fact, despite my insights I could still make a lot of progress in overcoming shyness.
I think Todd is right on the money with his suggestion to JUST DO IT.
I’m not sure “shyness” can (or should be) be fully “overcome”. One who weighs the consequences of their spoken thoughts before they speak them is often demonstrating a wisdom and thoughtfulness that this world could use more of. At a cocktail reception speaking with a stranger or in an intimate conversation with a friend, being quiet might demonstrate ones’ consideration and willingness to hear the entire story before saying something that is hurtful to those within earshot. The real fear of the “shy” person is being misunderstood. They often fear that they won’t be able to skillfully express their thoughts or that their thoughts will be misconstrued or distorted. Many times it is difficult for someone who is really listening and thinking about what is being said to get a word in.
That being said, never speaking up or initiating interaction will rob one of their peace and the abundant life they are meant to have. So I think ones’ goal shouldn’t be to “overcome” “shyness” but to find a balance between a thoughtful withholding of judgment/comment and the risk inherent in living in a world where good intentions are misunderstood or purposely corrupted. It is the duty of the more thoughtful (shy) to come to terms with (forgive) the fallen nature of man. To whom much has been given (i.e. thoughtfulness) much is required.
Excellent article!
Good article, but I don’t like your conflation of shyness and intoversion. Introversion is a personality type, and shyness is a condition, and while the two often come together, introversion is not a requiremnt for shyness. You can be an extroverted type (i.e. you like social interaction) and still be shy.
Brain chemistry is not discussed in this article, and I’m not sure if this community supports modifying it or not… Anyhow, while being treated for another condition with a MAOI called Nardil, I experienced a considerable positive change in my social performance. I went from wallflower to Hugh Hefner at a pajama party. Your mileage may vary. Sadly, at the end of treatment, so went the alter-ego, but it was nice to see the other side for a while, and I learned a bit as well that I can sometimes emulate.
Overcoming Shyness…
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[...] Overcoming Shyness | PickTheBrain (tags: shyness lifehacks leadership lifehack self-improvement article psychology self **) [...]
Wow, this is an excellent article. I love your writing style, your format, and the content.
I never thought being an introvert as being selfish, or that it hurts the ones around you by not taking advantage of opportunities. It makes perfect sense.
Thank you for sharing your insight.
Angel
Great! Articles like these really give insights to one’s mental health. John deserves an appreciation for this article.
[...] info: here No [...]
John:
This was a very interesting read because, and this is amazing, really, we tend to assume things on the basis of what we see. In other words, we judge the book by its cover even if we don’t mean to.
When I first learned about your blog and saw how many readers you had on your site, I automatically assumed you were the opposite of shy! In my mind, I could not reconcile a shy person having a popular blog. How wrong I was!
I greatly appreciate your candor – it makes you authentic and I have so much respect for people who are willing to bare their souls and be open. We don’t have enough authencity out there b/c people are so busy trying to make themselves “look good.”
GREAT article.
Stephen
[...] here to find [...]
Awesome article. I too understand so much of what you are saying here. I live this life as well. Thank you for speaking out.
this was an excellent read. by nature, i’m mostly extroverted, but there are specific situations (like everyone else, i hope) where i become extremely shy. there is some comfort in knowing i find myself asking the same questions and feeling the same insecurities you’ve described. from introvert to extrovert and vice versa, it seems we all face the same fears, only some more than others.
[We need more articles on how over social people need to shut the hell up. It’s worse than shyness in my opinion.
Comment by GW October 9th, 2007 @ 2:15 pm]
I absolutely agree with this! I’m naturally shy, and think before I speak. The things that come out of people’s mouths amaze me.
Great article! I wish this type of Insightful information could have been written and published earlier.
Anyone interested in reading about shyness check out this book: Shyness: A Bold New Approach by Bernardo Carducci. Here is the link at amazon (http://www.amazon.com/Shyness-Approach-Bernardo-Carducci-Ph-D/dp/other-editions/0060930683/ref=dp_ed_all/103-6442801-3843829)
[...] Overcoming Shyness John Wesley on being shy (tags: lifehacks self-improvement) [...]
[...] to your shyness to begin with. Share how you’ve overcome your shyness in the comments. Overcoming Shyness [Pick the [...]
This article might be useful for those who suffer from normal shyness. But my own problem is related to a condition much more difficult to deal with.
My own issue is a genuine personality disorder, signifigant enought to have basically ruined my life.
From the wikipedia article on the subject.
The American Psychiatric Association’s DSM-IV-TR, a widely used manual for diagnosing mental disorders, defines avoidant personality disorder as a “pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:
1. Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
2. Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
3. Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed
4. Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
5. Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
6. Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
7. Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing
I am also being treated for major depressive disorder. There is some question as to which problem caused which. Basically unless I break this lifelong pattern, I’m incapable of having what ‘normal’ people consider ‘normal’ intimate relationships. As you might expect the situation really SUCKS. I don’t know whether the kind of advice offered here would help someone like me. Anybody have any ideas on what I can do to get over something this severe? There is some question that I may suffer from Social anxiety disorder as well, as the two kind of fade off into each other. I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this, but I don’t know what to do! I have given up trying to talk to non mental health pros about it because it’s not just normal ’shyness’ and frankly because of the nature of the condition shrinks don’t know much about it! (most AvPD and SAD types don’t go to shrinks).
I think it’s important that you do not label yourself as a sufferer of these disorders for which (I assume) there’s no cure.
These are terms that doctors/psychothereapists use to refer to ‘conditions’ of the mind/personality, and aren’t eisily diagnosed, as you may imagine, due to the fact that every person is different and has different experiences which affect them in different ways. If the individual doesn’t yet recognise the causes/reasons, I cannnot see how anyone else would!
I know you have a really tough time, becuase I do too, but I think these terms are just ways for the psychothereapists to look like they know all about everything.
You best personal councellor is yourself- you obviously have a good mind, and you’ve come as far as recognising that you have a problem. The next step is for you to accept who you are and understand that you are not abnormal. if you understand, you wont need to constantly remind yourself of it/control it, because you will know in your heart and your subconscious, which is so much more than you know, that there really is no need to feel like you do. Have faith, and truly beleive that you will overcome this problem.
I think that the key to everything is beleif- the only reason that you have this ‘disorder’ is because you beleieve that you do. I don’t beleive that. I reckon you’re alright, and I really hope that you get on the road to recovery.
I’d be interested in hearing from you, and i also deeply empathise with you because, as i’ve said- you and I have similar worries.
You are sensistive, and probably quite thoughtful i’d imagine. These are actually good qualities to have, you need to know that, and it’s common for people to suffer from low self esteem, yours is so much so because you, unlike many people, have suffered enough to wonder if there’s any cure.
Hope you do so soon, and don’t suffer with this horrible problem anymore.
when you notice all those reactions from people to your ‘weirdness’ which i’m sure you’re familar with, realise that they only react like that because YOU FEEL worthless. You AREN’T worthless, and when you know that, it wont look that way.
Do this- compare yourself to a very confident/proffessional person, and ask yourself why you;re any different. The answer, you’ll find, will be that they beleive they’re great, and you don;t feel like that!
Once you realise that there IS a cure, you’ll be well on the way to getting better.
Nothing more to it!
Take care and good luck, i beleive in you
for avoidant personality disorder and social anxiety type disorders, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can really help. A recommended read is “Feeling Good” by David Burns.
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Er…
I should have read it two hours earlier!
I liked the article and hope I can start putting it to practice, unfortunately I feel my condition is more like Ikkon ’s. It’s good to think theres hope for us though.
I am a shy person – in writing and verbally. I don’t normally comment on anything. Writing this comment shows that I am motivated by your great article…
[...] to your shyness to begin with. Share how you’ve overcome your shyness in the comments. Overcoming Shyness [Pick the [...]
So basically you are saying that to overcome your shyness, you have to overcome your shyness… Yeah. Absolutely.
I have been a shy guy all my life, and that’s indeed coloured by past experiences, but those past experiences where constant. In little school and high school, every time I spoke up I got laughed at. (Yes, you read that correctly: “EVERY time”)
What kind of proof do I have that the same doesn’t happen the next time?
It really takes ME a lot of time to start to TRUST others.
Indeed, on the issue of self worth, I nearly have none. Same causes. Sometimes I have done something I’m proud of, but most times I only see the negative sides of what I do. My mind has been trained to do that, after years of people pointing out what I did ‘wrong’.
That’s a vicious circle that you can’t just step out of by sheer willpower.
Ikkon,
You’re right in thinking that this article is mainly for normal people who have shyness issues, not for people like yourself with serious mental health problems. I hope you are to get better.
Shy Guy,
It is a vicious cycle, and it’s self perpetuating. There is nothing easy about it. The best you can do is to giving an effort.
Thanks.
This just confirms what I have already lived through.
Although I still consider myself a shy person, most of my colleagues and friends find this surprising. Basically, I have learned to make the jump and push myself into the fray. The hard part sometimes is mustering the energy to produce the “escape velocity” to overcome the gravitational pull of shyness, but when I do, the rest usually is amazingly easy…
Thanks for this article! I’ve always been shy with people I don’t know and kept away from public encounters. This article was very insightful. Thank you!
Great article. Not much to add to what has already been said. I can relate to many of the things mentioned.
But what a great little motivation read if you know your about to go into a situation where you know you’d normally act shy. Thanks.
Ikkon–
You have a couple choices: partner up with a local doc that is sympathetic, and the two of you collaborate to improve your situation, or head to the nearest university hospital, state your case, and ask for a referral to a specialist. University hospitals love ‘fringe’ stuff, because it often provides opportunities for research or education for graduate students, sometimes at low or no cost if you’re willing to be a study subject. In any case, get to work on the depression part, don’t wait, it’s an insidious and destructive disease. Some of the drugs that are used to treat depression have nice side effects that work on SAD (not sure about AvPD). On the other hand, some of those drugs suck or won’t work at all, but don’t give up, keep trying. Best wishes to you, the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t a freight train
Great advice that cuts to the root of a lot of social anxiety/shyness that is learned…..but I have to point out something: Introverted does NOT mean the same thing as shy or inhibited; it just means one’s brain processes things differently, alone/within and without needing to run it by others. This doesn’t necessarily make one shy or anxious; just less likely to seek constant social interaction. Extroverts on the other hand do need that interaction with others to process things, and thus seek it more.
This is hard-wiring, not learned….only our judgements about our temperament are learned. Obviously these differences in preference provide lots of opportunity for misunderstanding & finding the other type “weird”.
Since it’s estimated only 10% of people are introverts & there is much more negative judgement of this “type”, a negative self-definition can take root, leading to more anxiety & inhibition & “why am I not like them?’ feelings.
A quick test to tell if you’re extro- or introverted: If you just got some really bad news, a real emotional upset…..what’s your first automatic instinct (not 10 mins later, but FIRST thing)? If it’s to go run somewhere by yourself & “figure it out” you’re probably an introvert…..If it’s to tell somebody or seek their advice to make sense of it, you’re proably an extrovert.
thanks for listening
Its NO ONE’s “obligation” to try to be something they’re not for the good of society! In fact, the HELL with society! The individual is what matters and if you’re shy thats OK. I think shyness and introversion(since Im the latter)is a GOOD thing.It isnt necessary that everyone be a social butterfly.Are you a “socialist” or something? Much of social interaction is meaningless and unproductive.
Anton,
The individual is defined by society. Without it, we’re all just rather crude animals.
No one is really obligated to do anything. But I think you owe it to yourself.
J. Glenn,
You make an important point. I never meant to imply that introversion is a negative trait. But as you said, it’s certainly the minority.
As a shy person I consider myself on strike from society because I refuse to live in a world where everyone is constantly attacking me with insults, derision, and physical attacks.
I do have plenty to offer, but you can’t have it unless you start dealing with me on the basis of freedom and fair trade, not insults, violence and manipulation.
I never did anything to anyone and after all the trauma I endured as a child I just want to be left alone, but no, you couldn’t do that when I was a kid and you aren’t doing it now.
Chadwick O’Dail, I’ve gone through 3 years of therapy with two different doctors and taken every type of medication available TO NOT EFFECT except now I suffer from bruxism and my teeth hurt all the time and three dentists and my physician can’t (or won’t) do anything about it. My experience is that doctors and dentists don’t care about patients, don’t have a clue what they’re doing with mentally ill persons, and are just prescribing medication or trying to ignore difficult patients when the usual treatments don’t work. But how rare is depression and bruxism? I sat there discussing arguments I was having with strangers on the internet at $150/hour. If doctors don’t have the answers then who does?
[...] For the full article, click here. [...]
Overcoming Shyness | PickTheBrain…
[...]I felt identified, to say the least[...]…
Jimmy– You’ve got my sympathy for what it’s worth. Finding a good doc is a goodly portion of the battle. I’ve had bad ones and good ones, the good ones are usually found by referral. It’s the worst when you move to a new area and don’t have any contacts. Tried any support groups in your area? Yeah, it’s cliche, but it gets you patient viewpoint reviews of docs. I’d suggest you learn as much as you can about your own condition, so you can have intelligent debates about your treatment with your future doc. Ask them questions about why they are choosing a particular therapy. Begin by documenting what you have tried, and meds you’ve taken, for how long, and at what dosages. Having this helps if you need to change docs. Good docs recognize that they don’t know everything, and have a care for your well being. Perhaps I’m spoiled now that I have a good doc. You need to recognize that diagnosing and treating psychiatric stuff is a best guess effort for the most part, and have to honestly attempt to give recommended treatment a fair shake. Many psych meds take weeks to ’settle in’ and if you don’t wait them out, you may never see the true effect, just side effects while your body attempts to adjust (which often suck!). I strongly question your claim that you’ve “taken every type of medication available”… there are a lot of meds out there, many with titration intervals several weeks long, three years isn’t enough time to try them all (though the search may be tedious and long for the right one). A good resource for patient viewpoints of psych meds is http://www.crazymeds.org or you can check out the forum there also. In any case, I wish you the best of luck, perhaps try a university hospital in your area for a fresh opinion.
Overcoming Shyness | PickTheBrain…
[...][...]…
[...] Overcoming Shyness | PickTheBrain [...]
[...] By John Wesley at PickTheBrain [...]
Hi John,
I was flicking through website articles and came across your article on shyness. It’s very interesting some of the points you’ve stated. I don’t think i’ve had a childhood experience wherein i was greatly insulted for anything i’d said. I do however think that my shyness extends from being overly analytical of situations and critical of the actions/words of others (the burden of knowing more than others). Most times during class discussions i know the answers and have good ideas to contribute, but i just can’t say them. I find that other people who are outspoken contribute more to class discussions with meaningless questions or obvious answers, so i don’t bother or am overlooked. Or when someone offers an insightful answer i refuse to share my own as i think it is of lesser significance. The only times when i do contribute to class discussions is when the class is silent, even then i still hesitate. I think it is also true of the fear of being criticised and having other people knowing your thoughts/ideas, it’s perhaps the feeling of being vulnerable. I most especially shy away from expressing myself in large social groups, just the feeling of having several pairs of eyes staring me down makes me feel emabrrassed even if i hadn’t done anything wrong. Sometimes i feel it’s a burden, at other times i feel that keeping to myself is not so bad.
Again, good article though.
great article. I always thinks about it but I never achieved it. Now I ‘ll try to better in every situation
I’ve been subscribing to your feeds for quite sometime now and haven’t commented until this one. Wow! This one hit me hard. I can be boisterous and self-expressive with a limited number of very close friends and members of my family, but otherwise am pretty quiet. I don’t think my shyness stems from being repressed to a great degree as a child; I may be just naturally self-conscious. In any case, it does bother me that I sometimes feel like I can’t express my ideas or opinions without being judged. Also, who really wants to be rejected and have the “wrong” ideas? Having read your article gave me insight to the fears that I’ve recently acknowledged about myself. This commentary motivated me to actually say something! Thanks!
[...] Čia galite paskaityti įžvalgas, kaip įveikti savo drovumą. [...]
[...] are not really up to just walk up to people to talk to them. so this article on how to “Overcome Shyness” (Pickthebrain.com) was actually a good read. Found via [...]
[...] reading this excellent article, I was inspired to reflect upon my own recent experiences on this topic. I used to [...]
Thanks for this great post. Shyness can be a great social barrier for many people and the need to overcome it cannot be overstated.
Doug
http://www.dougwoods.com
[...] read more | digg story [...]
[...] For the full article, click here. [...]
Just recently my shyness has started to hinder me dramatically on my job, it seems to irritate my new boss tremendously. Lately he has been threatening to make be do presentations if I don’t start talking during group meetings. The people I work with get so offended, but they don’t understand that it’s not my intention, its just how I am. Every since childhood people have constantly reminded me of how different I am. I think my shyness may hurt my career, so I started searching the web for self improvement ideas.
I think my problems started at childhood staying home with my grandparents never interacting other children. In elementary school I never played team sports because I was always afraid of doing something wrong that would cause my team to fail. In high school I tried to get involved in extracurricular activities to meet people and I made a few friends but I was still considered different to most of my peers. Over the years I have overcome some fears but I still have a long way to go.
For some reason I can hold a conversation with one or two people just fine but any more than that and I can’t think straight. For example, during a meeting my co workers were having a conversation about globalization, everything they were talking about I had read in the Economist a few months back but for some reason when it was my turn to talk I made a total fool of myself. I truly sound as if I had no clue when I really did.
Another reason I don’t express myself is because I feel misunderstood and I spend too much time trying to explain myself. It’s not easy explaining something to a group of super critical people.
I know my insecurities play a major role. No mater how much education I have I still feel like I don’t measure up to others especially when it comes to my vocabulary.
Thanks for all the tips, is good to know I’m not the only one in this predicament.
Dear Mellow;
Have you ever done any reading on Introversion? At the risk of sounding simplistic, it sounds like you may be introverted…I don’t mean to “reduce you” or insult you in any way but your post really hit home for me. The things that struck me : feeling fine talking with 1 or 2 people but “stun-brained” in larger groups, a sense of not wanting to disrupt the group, feeling misunderstood & constantly having to explain yourself (so TIRING!), a childhood history of less social interaction….these could be signs you are Introverted, not in the pop-culture sense of “inward/shy” but in the sense of getting energy from within/”losing” it when with others too long.
I highly recommend “The Introvert Advantage”; I forget the author’s name but it’s widely available..or check out online info on Introversion in a “Myers-Brigg” sense.
I am sticking my neck out because I am a newly (3 years) “out of the closet” Introvert and learning this about me has profoundly changed my life for the better.
I hope this useful to you Mellow!
I’m not sure if I agree with the irrational fear bit of being shy at the top of the article.
I’ve always wondered why the word ’shy’ is given such negative connotations. Because when you’re young it’s actually somewhat useful to be a bit suspicious of talking to strange people seeing as you have no idea what their motives are etc.
I was always described as shy up until this year really. That was just a comfortable way for me to be and I could get away with being like that, it felt normal. Couple of years ago I went to a party (I never went to parties) and was like a fish out of water, it was a nightmare for me. After that experience I decided never again, and now noone I work with believe I was ever quiet, in fact now I’m told I’m too loud lol. All about balance I guess.
Greats idea,
Thank you
Tracy Ho
wisdomgettingloaded
Thanks for this useful article. I too used to keep quiet many a times when I should have spoken up and am trying my best to overcome this habit completely. Thankfully I have improved a lot in this respect and your article should provide me more motivation and determination in improving further.
Simple and well thought out article, very helpful to me. Thanks for writing it! – Dave
[...] If you see someone standing or sitting alone, make an attempt to have a conversation with them to help them feel more at ease. Be interesting by being interested. Listen but contribute in meaningful ways to the discussion as well. Be complimentary, not phony. Stay focused on the person you’re talking with rather than roaming the party with your eyes. Mingle with several people throughout the evening rather than carving out a corner to plant yourself in with the same small group of people all night. Be generous and make introductions where you feel each person would enjoy meeting each other. A couple tips for developing conversation skills: How To Initiate Conversation and How To Exit A Conversation. If things don’t go well, have a backup plan ready (see How To Mingle). If you’re shy and would like to work on that, see Overcoming Shyness. [...]
Wow, this really should be helping me alot.
I really want to overcome my shyness around people i dont know so i can have the opportunity to make alot more friends!
Thanks so much!
[...] your Strengths and Weaknesses This is something that everyone should do, but especially so for shy people. Whilst some people are only shy when they are the focus of all attention, others may feel [...]
Overcoming shyness takes a lot of hard work. I have been down that road myself and I’m thankful every day that I have freed myself of the burden of that emotion.
For me, it took a number of things to get me out of my “rut”
First, I started working out to develop a greater level of self confidence. Second, I started using the Intelligent Warrior subliminal message videos and doing targeted affirmations corresponding to the messages I was getting through the videos. And of course, I forced myself to get out of my comfort zone. I intentionally suffered through social situations even when I wasn’t “in the mood” just so that I could grow to be more comfortable with myself around others.
It can be a tough road, but it’s well worth the effort.
Jason
Subliminal Success
http://www.liveloaded.com
that was a great post. i am a shy person myself and i recently realized how shy i am. i am trying to work on that and become more outgoing. this article actually helped.
To start off I have been shy all my life, well I’m only 13 but my mom is even still shy. I’m going to overcome my fear on Feb.4 2008. Now heres the problem I never talk to anyone in school except my four now three friends and I make tons of mistakes.I want to overcome the stupid things I do cause I’m not getten anywhere in life.The people out there that are shy trust me I would overcome sometime soon or your whole life is gonna be a buch of mistakes.
[...] only way to build a body of work is to get out there and start doing. Don’t let inexperience or shyness hold you back. What you need to build depends on the career you want, but generally some good ideas [...]
thank you for the article. Its something i’ve been struggling with for a while and i’m going to try to use your suggestions. =)
thanks for the article. I’m in a starbucks at 730pm waiting for my new gf and a load of her friends to arrive, itll be the first time ive met them, and I’m absolutely dreading it! Im trying to think of some questions to keep the conversation flowing when I feel awkward, and I really appreciate the advice about being genuinely interested!
Those things really do work. Thanks! : )
[...] Overcoming Shyness – na początek zastanówmy się, co jest przyczyną naszego strachu. Jeśli jest to nieśmiałość, to najpierw należałoby się jej pozbyć. [...]
Dear Sir/Madam,
My problem is that i m very shy person by nature which is effecting my career and married life.even after counselling and attending training programmes ther is no change in me.pls give me a solution.
Dear Hashim,
Hi! Before this, I also had a same problem like you. Actually, based on my experience, Over shyness is happen because you don’t trust yourself and you always think that you are not a good person whether as a husband, father or friend.
The best solution that I found is to build up your self-confident through joining and involving in social activities in your neighbourhood or anywhere else that you prefer.
The point is you must go out and socialize with other people and talk about something that you like for example sports or current issues.
It will be a little bit tough at first but you will gradually overcome it as time goes on.
As a men (Husband or Son), Over shyness is not a good thing. YOU HAVE TO CHANGE! Our society has a very bad perception to men who very shy no matter by nature or whatever…. That’t the truth.
Thank you for this article. It gives me hope and confidence.
[...] hesitate to get to the dentist. The dentist will explain everything he is going to do in your treatment, and ask you about other forms of sedation or medicine. Even though you’ll feel the shots, the [...]
i’m a 16 year old male, i’m very athletic and i am able to talk to girls easily, but only through the internet or texting. Whenenver i talk to a girl through the internet or texting the girl usually ends up fallin for me. So therefore i know i’m good at talking to them. However, once i meet up with a girl that i have been talking to and have developed feelings for, total shyness comes over me. I end up just siting there not saying a word.
For instance tonight, i really like this girl, we’ve been talking for about 2 weeks now and today we went to the movies together. It took me almost half the movie just to work up the courage to put my arm around her. Once my arm was around her and i felt comfortable, i started thinking about the “first kiss” however was not sure how to go about this so therefore i did nothing which i could tell iritated her. Once i left the theartre i felt ashamed of what i didnt do. There is no doubt in my mind that i will never hear from this girl again. I feel like a total screw up, this girl was perfect, she was so beautiful.
articles…
So, could you see?…
Be careful overcoming shyness.
The world defintely doesn’t need anymore ego maniacs! There is a balance that we all have to find. You want to be a valid contributor to the world and people around you but, you don’t want to get into the area of thinking that people will not be able to live unless they have heard what it is i have to say about hedge trimmings. Great article though, just realize there is a balance.
Hi there,
I’m a 26 year old male, i’m confident when it comes to socialising and making friends etc, when it comes to women i just bottle up and cower in a corner, i have no problem talking to women but when it comes to interacting as a partner with them i just can’t get the courage to do anything.
I’ve recently tried to talk to one of my ex’s about this and even then no matter how much i wanted too i just couldn’t talk or say anything about it, i’m starting to get a bit worried that if i don’t break this habit i’ll end up sad and lonely, i know that it’s upto me and only me to get through this but i’m struggling to think how, can anyone give me any advice at all please ????
Thanks.
Don’t worry too much though- it’s a common problem
hope you solve it and find someone nice x
You know something that I really liked about this article, is that it reminded me that somewhere inside we are all the same, I usually feel down because I feel like a stranger, but I got stuck in my point of view not realizing than they also need to belong, they might feel strangers themselves sometimes, but I guess if want to love and accept them I better start loving and accepting myself, overcoming the past and working on my fear of rejection, learning and sharing what I got,
Thanks for the post!
l am from Turkey l am 16 year old male l am shyness
why l shyness?
GREAT THOUGHTS! My mind was enlightened ’bout the topic. I am actually a shy type person which drove me to some failurities in life.Thaks a lot!!!
[...] Shyness PickTheBrainI felt identified, to say the leasthttp://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/overcoming-shyness/Nick Lucas Felt Guitar and Ukulele PickNick Lucas felt Guitar and Ukulele Pick. … Dunlop, Nick [...]
Great content. Very helpful and easy to relate to. Props for well thought through help without a bill.
excellent post. i had been an introvert myself. and could really relate to the article.
though i dont claim to have turned into an extrovert, but to a lot of extent, i have come out of being a shy and silent guy, through efforts to take chance and be bold, speak my mind. and in most of the instances, i found that what i said, did count; contrary to my beliefs and inhibitions. this article is very much to the point. looks like there >are
This was an excellent article.
It has really inspired me to try harder at overcoming fears such as stated here, and to speak out more.
This article has even inspired me to get into more public situations and test the methods named here.
It’s also very well written.
Thank you!
Thanks for this very enlightening article, this has given me at least some insight on things to focus on as someone who is trying to overcome shyness. I’m 26 years old and I have been shy for as long as I can remember but I was always in denial of the consequences of being shy, but recently I have seen how it has affected both my career and my social success and I am really committed to do something about this problem.
this article is really helpfull.
It has inspire me.
Great Article!
-I liked the bit about doing right by sharing your insights.
A few things I’ve learned along the way:
Don’t be someone who can’t be talked to or can’t listen to feedback, but 90%+ of what people say is because of who they are, NOT who you are.
Ie: Never internalize/personalize another person’s frame, especially if they sound negative.
People actually really truly are thinking Mostly about themselves and their lives all the time. In the feature film that is their life, we are all mostly extras.
“Change Your Brain, Change Your Life”, by Daniel Amen seems like a pretty good book; -if you’re shy, you might actually have a region or 2 of your brain that’s hyper-or under- active.
Great article. Funnily enough people always advice to try to speak up to people who are shy to overcome it, yet that is the whole problem. If I could speak up, then I wouldn’t be shy, would I? Also, I don’t think insecurity is really the underlying problem in my case. I’ve been shy all my life. It’s who I am. I am a very self confident person, maybe at times even over confident. So how can this even be an issue? It is just that when I come in contact with strangers, I want to talk to them. But I can’t. There’s something withholding my speech. I always try to be as polite and friendly as possible, and it helps to get me through a few phrases, but as soon as it gets too personal, I can’t seem to form proper sentences anymore. And it’s not because I’m stupid or inarticulate. So I don’t know. It’s more of an issue I have with people, I think. I can’t let them get too close. It’s like a claustrophobia, but with people. I just think it’s strange because I’ve had this literally all my life, so there wasn’t an occassion that suddenly changed it all. It’s just there. And I just can’t seem to overcome it.
Hey there KLL…I posted a few months ago about this, but I wanted to respond to your post because it rings home for me & I thought it MIGHT be helpful to you. Have you looked into the idea of Introversion? It’s not the same as shyness, but rather a preference for more “space” & not wanting to let people in too quickly, because of a different way of processing & taking in things. It’s NOT a “condition” or an illness, anymore than eye colour is, just a different style of processing. It’s hardwired, not learned or related to insecurity (except that because it seems to be less common than extroversion so introverts may get messages that they are “weird” or “not social enough” so they can start to feel bad).
If anything, it could be taken as a quiet confidence as opposed to needing to talk to everyone about anything. But that’s a subjective take on it too!
Anyways, I’d recommend looking into Introversion in the Myers-Briggs Inventory sense, not too “type” yourself into a narrow box, but as a tool for better understanding & even appreciating the way you are. I found it really helped me to “get” why I interact the way I do & the way others interact with me. Though I always liked being introverted, I never “got” why it was so puzzling to others & now I do. Which means I can better “fake it” when I need to (job & social events) without feeling like it’s because I’m odd or broken.
Anyways, I’ve said a lot here but it’s a subject that doesn’t get enough attention, in my humble (?) introverted opinion!
Cheers
[...] Overcoming Shyness [...]
Thanks for the article. I am 25 and I have fought a long battle in the area of shyness. I know its origin is some really painful childhood experiences in form of mental abuse, i became withdrawn but I was indeed bright in school (I am a professional in real estate ). I came to realize that the person who was mistreating me had a problem HIMSELF and it was not me. I have learnt to love and accept myself, am not afraid to tell someone that I am an introvert and I dont like partying up to dawn and they respect me for it.(I used to feel inadequate and envy those who were considered ‘life of the party’). All in all, this is a journey, I keep falling every now and then but the most important thing is, i am patient with me and rise every time I fall. My confidence keeps on growing everyday and I love it, I love life and I am happy. lol
[...] that these episodes can actually interfere with day to day living. Here are some of the most common symptoms of panic attacks one may [...]
Hi,
Like everyone here i understand what you mean- this has been of benefit to me, so thank you.
Also, seeing that there are so many people who have the same problem is comforting, since much of this problem revolves around the idea of being the ‘only weird one’!
This is a common problem, and a well hidden one too It hinders you in all sorts of ways, causing anxiety and a choatic and unproductive mind. By eliminating this fear from your life, you open many new doors to changes and new experiences.
You’re very thoughtful to have put this here, and clearly your caring nature has given hope to many people who are torturing themselves with this pointless worry.
Like your style
Good luck to everyone on the road to cure.
Kate
i was a victim of this problem. i was just confident if i know that the people around me is as good or as smart as me.there are things that i want to change in my life but i could not get it because of my shyness. fromthis article i feel that i am not the only one to experience this one.yes, we have different levels of shyness like an actor who is confident to act and have differnt roles but is shy to have an interview. its my experience and i just want to share it with the people around the world. i wish there will be a time that i will be as confident as anyone else.
article’s good ..but it will be helpful if we can interact with some people who have overcome their shyness and can share there real life experiences also.that will be very helpful .If anyone can help please post.
Nice mate I think alot more people should realise you don’t always need drugs and a shrink to overcome this problem. Im currently a shy 15 year old and im determined to overcome this.
I beleive that you can solve this problem with willpower. If you don’t think that- you might as well just accept it huh? What’s the point in even discussing it if you think you’re destined to feel that way forever?
If anyone knows how crippling this can be I do- I get to the point where I thought everything I said sounded so ridiculous that I stopped speaking altogether. I did all I could to avoid people, wouldn’t answer the door or phone, and avoided all situations where I might be expected to speak. When there were people around I looked more stupid than ever because of how I felt!! Nothing more than that! Being uncomfortable with yourself makes you act weird/unstable- and of course nobody will take you seriously if you look like you feel stupid.
Realizing this has almost solved my problem, however impossible this may sound: you MUST NOT CARE about it. If you do- you quite simply cannot get over it! Although this may offend some people (who are living in the beleif that everyone else makes them suffer)- it is a form of self obsession. No one really cares that much if you look a fool- they may even laugh (if they’re inconsiderate enough) but do you think they’d be bothered if you laughed at them? Maybe- but they wouldn’t let it govern their thoughts and effect their behaviour for the rest of their lives!
Psychotherapists- what use are they going to be to someone who cannot understand why they have this problem? The key to controlling feelings (of inferiority) is controlling thoughts (which obviously trigger the feelings), and the only way you can control the thoughts is by UNDERSTANDING them. Once you know that IT DOES NOT MATTER, and look around you at all the fools (who are much louder and more noticable than us quiet people!) you’ll find less people laugh at you because you aren’t so obviously effected by their ‘bully’ mentality. Confidence is the only thing which determines whether or not someone is shy or not- there are no differences; we’re all human! Everyone feels a twat sometimes! Some people can’t stand it and are constantly reliving the memory, becoming hateful of other people who (they think) make them feel bad. Actually the only people who make us feel bad are ourselves- because we LET OUR SURROUNDINGS CONTROL US!!!
I totally agree. If you just realize that it’s meaningless to think about what others are thinking then you won’t feel like such a weirdo when you say things outloud. I’m just now starting college and i’m forced to socialize with others so it’s good for me to have to talk to other people and make friends that way and have a better time.
It’s good to hear that people are resolving their issues!
People are habitual beings, and like everything else, shyness is a bad habit. Once you make speaking your mind a new habit, it will stick, and it’s great to replace such a dominant hindrance to your life with a something that makes you happy! It’s natural for humans to communicate- we need it..
I can’t beleive I’m so much better these days- I never thought I’d stop feeling so stupid, but I really am recovering- it can be done!
One thing I’ve realised is that doing something productive (such as a new hobbie) with your time alone also builds your confidence, plus it gives you something to say when something’s thrown at you…
College will be good for you, and give you something to focus on. I did that last year and enjoyed it, and I’ve got good results too!
Being introverted… in my opinion it’s a good thing. Some people don’t half blabber on about rubbish! at least we don’t do that hey?!
great article
really helpfull stuff
ps
your missing a “be”
at the basketball part
can “be” selfish
just trying to be helpful
i will try.
Hi my name is Evan Zhou and I am a sufferer of shyness in front of people. All my life I have been afraid to cmmunicate with people for some unknown reason. As a result, I have a very limited amount of connection with people. In school, I would quite wastefully watch other school kids socialise and get along. I am not really blaming anyone, just a sense of frustration towards my self at what I can’t do that others find so easy and simple. Alot of the time, others discriminate against me because of my “only the lonely satus”. I am posting this message because I really only want to talk to someone for a problem that I have fought all my life. Deep down inside my heart is breaking sometimes, this weakness that I have in front of other people has been a major strain on my social life as I struggle to hold on to the only few friends that I have. Lately I have decided to try to overcome my shyness and come out more open in front of people. Thank you, that is all I want to say, please understand me.
I hear ya bro.
I wish you the best.
PS: I will never give up trying to overcome my problem!
Evan, I completely know how you feel for I have the exact same thing. I think in school it’s even a tad worse because you’re basically judged on this particular aspect of your personality. I have been trying also to overcome my shyness bit by bit, and I think partly it’s working, but unlike my mother who used to be unbelievably shy as a child and is now nothing alike, I don’t think it’s something I’ll rid off completely. Actually, I think it was gone for a period of time but it came back eventually. It always comes back. I think it’s part of my personality, and one way or another it feels like a huge part of myself would be gone if I lost it. I’m learning how to switch off my shyness in the moments that really matter, but as for the rest, I’ve gone to accept it. Besides, being social and outgoing isn’t everything, either. I’ve experienced one or two years being like that, and I completely lost myself. It took me a month to rid of all the phony friends I’d made and about two years to recover my sense of self. Zon’t get me wrong, this social intimidity hands out a lot of frustrations and issues, but I don’t think you should necessarily see it as a weakness. From time to time it can be a strength.
[...] Overcoming Shyness from Pick the Brain [...]
Self improvement and empowerment would be helpful to those who are shy. This would allow them to be more confident and secure so that when they do say something or speak sometimes everyone will agree or disagree. This isn’t necessarily a personal thing but some take it as such.
Thank you for writing about this topic. I have been shy most of my life. I tend to go in rollercoaster cycles where I’m happy, confident and more-so outgoing, then something happens and I lose my confidence and retreat back to myself. I do love spending time alone, being around people is sometimes stressful for me and being alone allows me to recharge. It’s hard for me to have good relationships with my friends. I don’t really belong in a group of friends, more like a friend from this group, a friend from that group. It’s nice in the sense that my friends are spread around, but it’s hard when they are off doing things with their group and I’m left alone. I’ve never had a boyfriend, mostly because of my shyness. It’s hard for me to gather up enough confidence to overcome my social fears. This article seemed to really get where I am coming from and offered some good tips. Thank you Mr. Wesley! It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in this corner.
Hello. I really enjoyed the article and all of the comments.
I’m 24 years old and recently got married. My spouse is the only person I have ever opened up to fully in my life. I have been shy for as long as I remember. It started with fear of being rejected or made fun of, and progressed into not caring about what people thought (at least that is what I told myself) and choose not to let them know the real me. As I got closer to getting married I really wanted to open up more and let people see why my spouse wanted to marry me (especially my in-laws) and get see my goofy personality. But I noticed some common social behaviors I have never learned or practiced and I just get stuck with not knowing what to do. I still struggle with it daily, but I started to open up little by little.
And I have always loved to write (which I learned here makes sense being a shy person) and started with a blog http://www.shonspeaks.com and I want to put myself in more social situations so I can get some practice.
-Shon
I too understand so much of what you are saying here. I live this life as well. Thank you for speaking out.
I disagree. I have always been shy. I am not insecure nor am I afraid. I find that loud talkative people say far less than the quiet ones.
This is a great article for anyone to put into practice in their life. As an attorney, I am the shyiest person in court. You will see up to 20 attorneys in one courtroom, and I am the only quiet person in there. My wife would ask me what made me go into law. My answer was to become an outwardly person. Slowly, I am overcoming my shyness. Your article gives great insight to me. I will definitely put it to practice. Thank you for the advice.
I really liked the way this article was written as the message being put across is simple yet powerful in the way it is told. I never really looked at shyness as a selfish act until reading this piece, but it makes sense. Holding back your thoughts and opinions is self-centred as a shy person will more often than not direct their emotions and feelings inwardly to avoid embarrassment and ridicule. However I don’t see this as a bad thing, as people like this are normally nice and pleasant when you get to know them a little better and they are more willing to voice their thoughts. This is a nice quality to have as a person but it has its advantages and disadvantages.
I feel for people who hold themselves back, because I’m quite shy myself. Like many others, I’m shy around people because I don’t want to open myself up and appear vulnerable. I have been through a lot of hardship and tough times in my life so far, and I just don’t feel comfortable being open about myself unless I’m talking to someone I really trust. I don’t want to come across as a whinger, but its just what I honestly feel. With people I know like family and good friends, I can be loud (not the annoying obnoxious kind of loud) but loud enough to voice my opinions and be communicative.
It just frustrates me though that shyness is perceived as a negative quality. I understand that shyness to a certain degree holds you back from fulfilling your potential, but as long as you don’t let the shyness get in the way of what you want to achieve, then there is nothing wrong about being shy. However, this article was very insightful and it made me think at a deeper level about the causes of my shyness and where it has rooted from. The two main causes of shyness, as mentioned in the article, oversensitivity and insecurity, can definately be related to myself and perhaps why I am shy in certain social environments. I’m definately a sensitive person and like many people, I have insecurities about myself.
However many people perceive me as shy and quiet and I think they are immediately put off by my nature. I felt as though I need to be louder and a bit more assertive so people will warm to me. I’m still uncertain as to how I approach this situation but reading really good articles like this will definately help me deal with this problem and understand myself a little better.
this article helped me alot
let me also say that life isnt very long if you want to be an “out of the box person” go for it.. people arnt going to think less of you if you sound stupid or mess up…think about if you were them…you look at people that are more “vocal” than you are and you see them as a productive and happy person…but on that note BE YOURSELF…be confident and GO FOR OPPORTUNITIES when they arrise…with a positive attitude, it helps me
I hope this was helpful,
jon
This article has to be one of the best ive ever read in my life, it relates to me so much, ive always been scared to open my mouth its like i much rather be miserable and not take a risk then take a risk and see what happens talking wise i mean. ive always been scared to speak my mind but now after reading this article i realize that theres no point for all that self conciousness. I was given a voice for a reason why not use it, shyness has made me into something i never wanted to be and now after reading your article i just dont care anymore id rather give up shyness then stay the way i am.
Shyness doesn’t need to be overcome.
I enjoyed your writing. It helped direct my soul outward instead of keeping it sheltered inward. Introverts need to learn how to become Extroverted sometimes, and Extroverts need to learn how to become introverted sometimes, I guess… Thanks for the advice. Keep up the writing.
[...] this also goes along the theory, whereby if the patient hears a slightly negativeremark from the doctor for example “he will take a few weeks to recover”, the patient will take [...]
This was awesome. I’m a senior and all of the things mentioned above apply to me. I have this fantasy misconception that ppl will react negatively to what I say. I will use this advice to improve my success in my social life.
This is a great article! Thanks for your thoughts and insights. Shyness has something to do with fear, the fear of embarresment, the fear of what others think of you. It is very possible that people with extreme shyness may have had a bad past, for example, being left out at school. I was a very shy person myself. It was due to my past. I had speech delay during my childhood and early teens. This brought my confidence right down. I did not speak, becuase if I did, I was scared of what other people thought of me. Other students not welcoming my contributions or picking on me did not help either. Even at social gatherins I would constantly stick around my cousins and people would say “look, there is that quite boy who does not talk to anyone”. I don’t know why thay would say that, they did not understand my problem. This word got out and a lot of people percieve me as a natural shy person, this did not help either. My speech delay as healed and since enrolling at college, I have opened up and began learning social and communication skills. I am still a shy person but not as extremely shy as I used to be. In my opinion, shy people need to push themselves and take it in small steps at a time. I did not value myself, I was scared of what other people thought of me. Again, thanks for this article, it will help me on curing my shyness.
I have also found out that even if you do contribute and engage in discussion or try to engage in a discussion (groups) the rest of the group will not enthusiastically respond to the individual. Subconsciously, they will know that you are a shy person and treat you like a lesser person from my expeirences. At times I tried to engage in a group discussion, they were constantly talking about their own stuff and even if try, they did not even make eye contact with me, not even talking to me! Even if I get the basic social skills right!
Then again, by a large the majority are welcome to conversation or discussion and respond in a positive manner.
I am naturally a shy person around people I don’t know but when I am around my friends I open up a lot. I think I need to be more comfortable with myself and then it wont matter who I am around – I will value my own opinion enough to speak up around anybody.
The “don’t take it personally” point is a fundamental one which can empower people to rise above self-created illusions. You can also choose to believe shyness does not exist and dissolve that mindset in yourself. When you believe in something, it matters and you evolve to become what you think about. Stop thinking about that particular thing or trait, and you may be amazed at how you transform unconsciously and consciously away from it.
hi this is a good article for the internet. makes sense and gives a different perspective.
to overcome shyness it needs to really be a constant battle for months on end, and it needs to take real effort.
good job!
[...] your Strengths and Weaknesses This is something that everyone should do, but especially so for shy people. Whilst some people are only shy when they are the focus of all attention, others may feel [...]
I’m sort of bi-polar when it comes to shyness. I can be pretty loud at times, mostly around people I already know. But in a big, loud party situation with a lot of random people, I tend to freeze. My absolute worst moments come in casual moments with girls that I think are attractive. I honestly can’t think of anything more difficult than talking with cute girls. Thinking about it right now really puts a sinking feeling in my chest. I’m absolutely sick of being so terrified, but I have no idea where to start on changing myself.
I think one of the most essential point is to stop being so self conscious about one’s self. One should not care what others think or say about them and be as natural as one can be. This takes practice and one has got to do it consistently.
great article.
growing up i was painfully shy and that has hindered my life and growth in so many ways. over the years i have managed to ‘come of out of my shell’ but still there are lingering moments of shyness.
think parents have a big role to play, by encouraging children, making them feel appreiciated and just to reaffirm that they are capable.
haha. I just spent 5 minutes hyper-analyzing my comment. not afraid of what people think or anything….
I’m a shy person writing a psych paper on shyness. I used this as a source (cited in proper MLA format of course). I’m trying to use sources written by other shy people; otherwise they just sound too clinical and detached. Thanks =)
Hi Jordan,
I don’t mind if you cite my blog for your psych paper. http://www.shonspeaks.com. Good Luck
Just want to say, this is really effective. I’ve always been excruciatingly shy (if you say hi to me, I dive under the desk to hide). I’ve read a TON of books about how to overcome it, but none of them had the ideas listed here. Of course, none of them worked for me
I esp like “The Duty to Contribute” and the basketball analogy. I got to thinking about it and realised that it is true; if I have thought of something that the others should know about, I should bring it up. I tried it out and I find that I’m slightly more confident.
Thanks so very much
It’s rare when I read something and still think about it months later. Yes, I remember concepts, but this article really stuck, and helped. John is awesome. I’ll go read more of your articles now, thankyouverymuch!
Am a shy person myself. thanks for your write up,it quiet helpful. i have determine to speak up in publis and not bother what people say anymore, because shyness have cause me my effectiveness in my work place.
[...] rest of her life. She had her heart set on success, and because of this heart-set she was able to overcome all obstacles and achieve greatness in her [...]
I feel I will never be able to overcome shyness…I am VERY shy and it bothers me like hell coz it come in my way at work and social gatherings…I miss opportunities and then feel like a loser!
I have no idea how to overcome this, Im finding it difficult.
I cannot be spontaneous and dont speak my thoughts, so I appear dull when Im conversing with someone.
Also, I feel being well-read on different subjects helps to overcome shyness, as you feel prepared when you are engaged in any conversation. This again is my drawback, as Im not that well-read on subjects liek politics and history.
when i talk i feel people are going to talk about me and say bad things, and i cant see people by there eyes i get red and nervious and i hate when they look at me
and im tired of being shy because im 18 going to turn 19 and im still shy and my dad said when this year finish i need to get ready to work.
[...] Articles To Supplement You Reading Overcoming Shyness Overcoming Shyness and Social Phobia Overcoming Shyness Tips Tips For “Shaking Your [...]
[...] in most social situations. But when these situations escalate, you may notice that their usual shyness will be more attributed and sometimes, they may even decide to exclude themselves from most social [...]
check mine out……
keep up the good work man…….
GREAT ARTICLE! WORDS CAN’T EXPRESS HOW MUCH THIS HELPED ME!
I can’t agree any mome.
hopefuly, this will change my life
thanks!
Some people are more shy than others…
great! excited to apply your advices! and soon share them to our students..thank a lot
ever since i was a little kid i have been shy. i hav had some friends but for the most part EVERY year i have been in school i havent really had any real friends. i would sit by myself wishing i could just reveal the real me to other people. im now 16 a junior in high school i have some friends but when im sitting with them at lunch its like i want to talk to them but i cant. i do go out with them sometimes but when they do stuff like go to parties im usually left out. basically what im tryin to say is the people that i consider my friends i cant open up to them. when im around my family im always crackin jokes, makin people laugh but when im at school i just freeze up and dont say anything and when i do try to open up it just seems awkward and uncomfortable. i really really dont want to live my life like this anymore because ive dealt with shyness and being uncomfortable around people for like 10yrs man and im sick of it. i know i can get along with people because i have the same intrests as most people and people are always telling me im nice. all i want is reveal that crazy funny side of me that i know i have.
Wow, a great post. very well said. You nailed it right there. Comprehensive insights and great advice for the shy everywhere around the world.
You’re right when you said that, “Don’t let one or two bad experiences dictate your entire opinion of humanity.”
Anyone can relate to being shy at one point in our lives. I, too have a shy past, (http://www.innerzine.com/self-esteem/how-to-overcome-nervousness) I wasn’t exempted by the clutches of shyness.
Yes, it’s important to overcome shyness and we need to have a healthy self esteem so that we can be the best of what are made to be.
http://www.fabulousselfesteem.com
To your success,
Amy Twain
I have been greatly helped with my compulsive shyness by attending Social Phobics Anonymous support groups (also known as Social Anxiety Anonymous. They have free local and also free telephone conference call support groups.
They also have a free literature web page. The address for that is http://www.spalibrary.info
I forgot to post their main web page: http://www.healsocialanxiety.com
(Again that’s for Social Phobics Anonymous / Social Anxiety Anonymous)
This is interesting… I’m soo excited cos i’m on my way to a new shyless me.
[...] Posted By Editor, Pick The Brain On October 9, 2007 @ 6:00 am In motivation, popular, productivity tips, psychology, self improvement | 175 Comments [...]
I have no problems when talking to one person, but most of times when in a group of people, even if I know them all well, I fear opening up.
Realising the major disadvantage of this in MANY areas of life, I have decided that nothing is more worthwhile than trying to overcome the social phobia in no matter what cost. I have analyzed the problem and this has led me to a conclusion that in any social event there is a major possibility of making a fool out of yourself. Whatever the outcome of what I say and how I say it, it cannot be worse than living a mundane and lonely life. Im not saying that people make one`s existence worthwhile, im saying that sharing one`s existence/expressing oneself is what makes it more worthwhile. I think any given moment is subject to past and therefore it shall be forgotten, so no point holding on to it too much, dwelling on past bad experiences, like you said.
Anyhow, my experiment of expressing myself more has proven that shyness is a habit and can be changed. It is very uncomfortable in the beginning and at times it did not seem to be working, but in fact I realise that I now care less of the criticisms of others and it helps me to speak up.
Liked the article, thanks.
ps. activities of self expression are also of help- writing a diary or drawing etc.
thanks Kristina! i think your advice will help me out a lot. yea it’s true i think too much of what people will think of me. at home i’m crazy. at school i’m *yawn*..boring! i shouldn’t care if people thinnk i’m gay or stupid. at home my family likes me and i’m able to make my bro and sis laugh. why shouldn’t i act the same with other people? anyway, thanks. if you could overcome your fear, so can I!!
yeah thats it- too much worry about other`s reactions. I find that most people think that they are more important to other`s than they actually are. Noone`s gonna actually dwell on other`s sayings and personality as much as we think.
My experiment is rather hard, but I feel that at least I have taken a direction and moving towards sth better. Good luck! keep on reading about other shy people for motivation:-)
this was damn gud… some problems discussed here were exactly ma problems…i always have the feeling “oh shit wat am i gonna do… am i gonna make a fool of myself…u r a stupid… u r an idiot…blah blah blah…”especially this happens when i go shopping alone… i wait in front of the shop for may be 2 minutes… the conversation as mentioned above will be repeating itself in my head… then sometimes, i walk away and sometimes i pull myself in to the shop. there were many at times i walked away and then got a feeling tat i’m not a man and went back to the shop..so i always try to pull my friends for shopping….wen i’m wid ma friends and ma family i talk to them with ease express myself…but suddenly a new person joins our gang or a person comes for dinner then i cant find topics to speak…my friends always say that i am always a better company wen i am drunk. basically i feel the problem with me just fear to express.. lets c if i can reconstruct the new shyless me… and yeah more advices and suggestions are always welcome…
WOW this article is really something and it is very comforting to read all the comments here and now i know that there are also people out there like me …
I have a twin brother and he is very out-going and most of the people love him for him openness toward them … He sometimes use self-deprecating humor without any shyness at all … While on the other hand i am very shy and introvert and always get nervous, draw a blank, Stutters, Talk Fast when talking to stranger or opposite sex which is truly a bummer …
I am a good talker and make people laugh when it comes to my friends and Family … But the thing is all the friends i have is because of my twin brother and i dont want to be dependent on him …
When my father noticed my shyness , He told me that he had the same problem when he was in college even though he had alot of money, a apartment and a car AND all the students in the college wanted to be his friend .. But he didn’t overcame his shyness for a very long time
He told me that he didn’t wanted me to have the same problem as he once had …. He gave me some advices on how to overcome my shyness and i have to say that it is really working and have met alot of wonderful people…
Hi! I’m the same as you. a shy person. you can read my comment in the article, it’s somewhere at the top. i have improved on my shyness compared to last year. i was like emo. lol. any way can you tell me some the advices your dad told you please? i would really appreciate it. thank-you!! :p (my email is elemental_fire@sbcglobal.net)
Could you share your fathers tips with me aswell? I would be very grateful
My e-mail is nyjasis@hot.ee
I found myself smiling at so many points in your article, just having my issues verbalised in writing and realising how irrational they all are. I’ve just started university and none of my high school friends are at the same one, so I’m pretty much an anxious/shy wreck when it comes to everything I do. In lectures I can’t pluck up the courage to introduce myself to people next to me, fumble and am way too self-conscious about my every movement. Some people have made the first move, and I’ve been tongue-tied, the conversation deteriorates, then I basically bail without saying goodbye. I’m pretty much jeopardising any chance I have of making friends…so after reading this I’m making a promise to myself to put myself out there and introduce myself and overcome shyness!
Yes, you advice is good.
Now i cant overcome shyness i research and i have socailpobia and i have depression.
it drive me nuts PLEASE HELP ME PLEASE REPLY IF YOU HAVE THE ANSWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!