Many people find it hard to forgive. As we go through life, it’s inevitable that we’ll come across people who wrong us in one way or another. From the one who cuts you off in traffic to the one who puts you on hold and forgets about you, there’s no shortage of people out there who aren’t treating us exactly the way we’d like. Unfortunately, we’re rather limited in our ability to influence their behavior. But the good news is that we have a lot of control over how we react to them.
Why forgive?
First of all, keep in mind that it’s generally in your best interest to forgive people. Choosing to carry a grudge forever keeps you from ever repairing the relationship. Long after you’ve forgotten what the other person actually did, you’re still focused on being mad at them because you’re stuck in that habit. It’s very easy to blow something way out of proportion because you think too much about what went wrong instead of how to make it right. Don’t be too attached to your anger.
Another thing to consider is what you accomplish by not forgiving. You might decide never to forgive Hitler, and I can’t really object to that. In that case, many people would consider forgiveness to mean compromising their integrity. But what about someone who just made a rude comment about you? Do you really need to be mad at them forever? Is it really worth the stress and the higher blood pressure, or can you just let it go? Just because you might be justified in being mad, doesn’t mean it’s your best option.
Forgiving others
To be able to forgive others, it’s helpful to understand where they’re coming from. Sometimes we make assumptions that someone must be a jerk to act a certain way, when there might be factors we aren’t considering.
The person who cut you off in traffic? Maybe they were racing to the hospital. Maybe they were late to an interview for a job that they really need. Maybe they swerved to avoid someone else.
The person who put you on hold and forgot about you? Maybe they were severely understaffed because some people were sick that day. Maybe they were trying to track down the perfect person to solve your problem. Maybe their phone system malfunctioned and you got transferred to the wrong place.
The person at the store who gave you bad service? Maybe it was their first day. Maybe they hadn’t been trained properly. Maybe they had a bad experience with the previous customer that had them frazzled.
In many cases, the person who wronged you might have acted completely out of character for some reason, and they might truly be sorry. It’s also possible that they don’t even know they did anything wrong! Try not to make assumptions, and just talk to them instead. Say what they did, why you think it was wrong, and how it made you feel. If they didn’t mean for it to be an act of vengeance, then why not forgive them?
Forgiving yourself
Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself. If someone else makes a mistake, we’re more objective about it, and we can see that they really did the best they could. If we make the same mistake, it’s a lot harder to be objective. We think back over all the details and see how many things we could have done differently. Other people might say it’s OK, but how do you appease your own toughest critic?
As with other people, you need to consider what you have to gain by not forgiving yourself. Usually it’s very little. If you can make the situation right, do it. Otherwise, work on doing better next time. If necessary, avoid similar situations until you’re sure you can handle them better. But don’t wallow in guilt. It’s one of the most useless emotions of all.
Is there anyone you need to forgive today?
Hunter Nuttall wants you to stop sucking and live a life of abundance. Visit his site to learn how to improve your life and your income.
Great post, Hunter! It’s also the perfect time of year to let bygones be bygones for our own sake — if we can. Forgiveness should never be rushed. Just wanting to forgive that person someday is a great start. Then, thinking just one nice thing about him or her is a great next step. And, so on. Finally, forgiveness definitely does not mean letting them do to you again whatever it is they did to you that hurt you so much! You can forgive them from afar — you don’t even have to let them know you forgave them, or are trying to — because forgiveness really is for your own mental, emotional, and, even, physical recovery from that old pain. (Our stress affects our health big time!) For inspiration, here are “200 Forgiveness Quotes” at http://shanelyang.com/2008/09/20/200-forgiveness-quotes/
Shanel, at the time I wrote this post, I didn’t realize that Thanksgiving was coming up! That makes it even more appropriate now, doesn’t it?
Hunter, Great thoughts. Forgiveness is such an important key to living a happy and content life. Like Shanel says, forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to let the person hurt you again.
Forgiveness is something you can give. Trust is something they need to earn.
Definitely, forgiveness doesn’t mean letting them hurt you again. And if they intend to hurt you again, maybe it’s not time to forgive them.
Hunter,
I’m very glad you included “forgiving yourself”. It’s the hardest and ultimately all other forgiveness goes to this point. For example, when you forgive the person who cheated on you, you ultimately need to forgive yourself for trusting that person — which is so freeing.
Akemi, I think many people probably find themselves to be the hardest person to forgive. I hadn’t considered needing to forgive yourself for trusting someone who cheated on you. I’ll have to think about that.
In our work retrospections we operate under the belief that everyone made the best decision they knew how to make with what they knew.
I find this is a pretty good standpoint to go from to forgive people, including yourself.
Always try your best.
Sometimes human have this thinking that if they don’t forgive someone, the others suffer. It doesn’t work that way. We forgive others because we want our lives to work out.
Cheers
Vincent
Personal Development Blogger
Forgiveness is something that I have struggled with lately. I actually bought a great book, “Living Life As If Thinking Matters,” by Randy Wysong, but just haven’t read it yet. Thanks to your blog, I think I will go ahead and start reading it now.
“Hatred is blind and anger deaf: the one who pours himself a cup of vengeance is likely to drink a bitter draught.” – Alexandre Dumas (The Count of Monte Christo)
When you are feeling angered at someone you are carrying negativity too. Sometimes, it is hard to forgive but it’s necessary just to move on and accept others for who they are.
Hi Hunter,
As for others I prefer to think of it this way:
“What others think of me is none of my business”
and well for myself, I”m going to give myself a BIG HUG
great post! =)
not only forgive..but also “forget” about it..yes, forgive and forget..and not bring it up in future issues..
Hi Hunter,
We must have been on the same wave length. I thought that the holidays are a perfect time for letting bygones be bygones, so I decided to write a post about forgiveness called “Adopt a Lifestyle of Forgiveness.” It’s here http://www.affirmationpower.com/blog/?p=388
I was disturbed by the beheadings during the Iraq war, so I decided to write a song about forgiveness on our new CD “Soul Affirmation – Music for Better Outcomes,” called “I Choose Forgiveness.” Singing this affirmation helps with healing.
For me, self-forgiveness has been instrumental in clearing the way for a higher awareness. Without the burden of past transgressions, self-imposed criticisms, and negative self talk, I’m more able to connect with my essential self. This allows for effortless decisions, clarity of mind and inner peace.
Thanks for your post.
Ken LaDeroute
http://www.AffirmationPower.com
There are many times in my life that I’ve forgiven, not because I felt I had to, but because it was in my heart to do so. But the most important times in my life when someone wronged me not once but many times, it was the most freeing thing in the world to be told forgiving them wasn’t necessary for me to go on with my life.
My mother was abusive in every way but sexual. My older brother was abusive in EVERY way. For years I hurt over why my mother did the things she did. I didn’t hate her; I was confused; how could a mother hate her own daughter so, to do the things she did? The abuse was bad enough that I ran away from home at the age of 13. It wasn’t until I read a book, “Adult Survivors of Childhood Incest,” where I read a passage which said it is not necessary to forgive your abuser in order to heal that I finally began to heal, and I’ll tell you why: If my mother or my brother had in any way been mentally challenged, I wouldn’t think twice about forgiving them completely for having done what they did to me. But they are, and were at that time, in full possession of all their faculties when they beat me (among other things), they knew precisely what they were doing to me as they did it. Why should I forgive them? They probably didn’t know how long it would affect me, but they most certainly knew what they were doing as they hit me and called me names. I don’t feel the need to forgive them, especially since when, years later, I brought up the matter to each of them separately, and neither was sorry; neither said anything even remotely resembling an apology. If they’re not even sorry, why should I forgive?
When I was eight, my brother started abusing me sexually. My mother didn’t allow either of us to speak unless it was, “yes, mommy,” so I began acting out to get attention: I stole some money and bought candy. She beat me with a leather belt including the buckle, an extension cord, her leather shoe, and she made me eat hot sauce, soap, and dish washing soap. She beat me so badly, I had welts that stood up 1/2 inch from my skin, welts from head to toe, except my face — so bad she kept me home from school for a week. Maybe she lost her mind a little while she was beating me, but you can’t tell me it wasn’t self-preservation when she kept me home from school.
My mother tells me that I bury the hatchet, but keep the handle. Yes, I forgive, but I never forget. And just because she and my brother remain unforgiven doesn’t sit and rot in my heart and make me bitter. I don’t think about them anymore except when I see stuff like this that reminds me. It is absolutely NOT necessary to forgive to be healthy and go on with your life. People need to be held accountable for the hurtful things they do just as much as they need to be given credit for the good that they do.
Is there some reason that you’re not posting opinions that differ from yours?