Before I began to write, I didn’t fully understand the effects of the past on the present. Instead, for years, the past appeared in my mind’s eye like faded black-and-white photographs, in which no one, especially me, seemed to be fully alive.
Growing up, I lived a double life. On the face of it, we seemed like a normal, happy family: My father had an important career. We lived in nice houses and wore pretty clothes. But all this seeming perfection was a veneer, masking the reality that my father sexually molested me, a reality never spoken aloud.
Later, as an adult, I continued to live a double life: this time as a sex addict. Again, in public, I appeared normal, with a seemingly good marriage. No one knew that the shiny façade hid dark secrets: I cheated on my husband.
Then I started putting words on the page. Finally, I chose to examine my past.
In Fearless Confessions: a Writer’s Guide to Memoir, I encourage you, and you, and you, to explore, through writing, your life, as well. Whether your childhood was traumatic or not, whether your current life is in disarray, chances are you do have a story to tell. Whether, say, you’re figuring out a divorce, taking notes about a recent illness, exploring the disruption caused by a parent in the military, or worrying about a visit with an estranged mother, we write memoir to better understand ourselves, as well as to bring a reader with us on our journeys.
Here are five reasons why your life will be improved by writing a memoir, by telling your own story:
One: Memoir Helps You Understand the Past
I gain much clearer insights about my past when I write, then if I simply sit around thinking about it, in the abstract. What was the relationship between the sex addiction and being molested by my father? How did the past cause such emotional devastation? I discovered the answers to these important questions through the written word.
Writing is a way to interact with—and interpret—the past. It helps us make sense of events, whether they are traumatic, joyful, or maybe just confusing. Writing sharpens our senses so that images and details from the past emerge in a new context, one that illuminates events for ourselves as well as for our readers.
Two: Memoir Organizes Your Life
Just living my life day by day, I never stop long enough to question events. There’re errands to run, meals to cook—to say nothing of emotional clutter! Who has time to stop and think about events swirling around us?
Only when I put my everyday life on hold, so to speak, sit down at my computer and write, can I even begin to see a pattern to the rush-and-tumble of life.
Memoir writing, gathering words onto pieces of paper or on a computer, helps us shape our lives. By discovering plot, arc, theme, and metaphor, we give our lives an organization, a frame, which they would not otherwise have. Memoir creates a narrative, a life story.
Three: Memoir Helps You Discover Your Life Force
Before I wrote, while I kept secrets, I didn’t feel as if I were really living my life. I didn’t have a clear grasp as to who I was. What, and who, was the essence of “me”? There are thousands of other incest survivors. How was my story different?
When writing, if I forge even one good sentence on any given day, I have discovered a kernel of emotional truth. I feel that life force of “me,” as if it’s my pulse. To write is to give birth to a more complete self.
There is only one of you. Your voice is unique. If you don’t express yourself, if you don’t fully explore who you are, that essence of you will be lost.
Four: Memoir Helps Others to Heal
One thing I most love about writing memoir, is that it affords me the opportunity to meet many courageous people, still struggling.
For example, after I completed a reading at a library in Athens, Georgia, one woman waited until everyone else had departed. Approaching me, she was so scared she began to cry. She confided that I was the first person she’d told that her father had molested her. She was too traumatized even to tell a therapist. Why did she confide in me, trust me? Simply because I had written my story. Through this meeting, both of us were empowered.
Five: Confessing, through Memoir, is Good for the Soul
Telling family secrets—any intimate secret—can be scary. Finally, however, I reached a place where not telling the secrets was worse. I felt heavy, weighted down. Finally, then, it was more a relief to write my life, then ignore it. So even though at times I felt scared or uncomfortable, I ultimately felt a sense of release and power.
In short, with every word the pain lessened. It was as if I extracted it, one word at a time.
As you challenge yourself, you’ll feel more courageous every day. Writing memoir energizes your psyche, nourishes your soul.
Sue William Silverman is a Guest Blogger for PickTheBrain. memoir, Love Sick: One Woman’s Journey through Sexual Addiction (Norton), is also a Lifetime TV movie. Her first memoir, Because I Remember Terror, Father, I Remember You, won the AWP award in creative nonfiction. She teaches at the Vermont College of Fine Arts and has appeared on such programs as The View and Anderson Cooper – 360. Her most recent book is Fearless Confessions: A Writer’s Guide to Memoir. Please visit www.suewilliamsilverman.com.
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Thank you for such a helpful and interesting post. It really provides a lot of inspiration to write. I started a memoir awhile ago but set it aside. I plan to get back to it now. Claudia
Thank for your honesty
I’m not writing a memoir, I’m only writing some blog posts on personal development, however, I feel the benefits of writing even through those. I had the ideas that I’m publishing now for ages. I just didn’t formulate them so concisely. And before writing them down, it was much easier to preach, but not to act. Now I find myself acting what I’m writing.
Writing is a great tool for life
Zoltan, thank you for your comments. And it sounds as if your blog posts are very helpful and useful. I’m pleased to learn about this writing! Sue Silverman
I’m a big believer in journaling to help you get in touch with unconscious thoughts, to help organize your thinking, and to store some things on paper so that they’re not taking up space in your head. So I agree that writing is an important self-examination tool. Kudos to you for having the courage to write your memoir!
Marelisa, journaling is an important part of writing, too! Yes, any kind of writing really does help organize one’s thinking and sort things out. So keep at it! Journaling is a wonderful way to figure out events in one’s life. Sue Silverman
This is a wonderful post about the positive aspects of writing personal stories and digging deep into layers of truth. Both your memoirs are full of courageous and excellent writing, and I’m recommending your new book to everyone I coach and mentor. Thank you for inspiring so many people with your work.
Thanks, Claudia! And good luck with your writing. Sue Silverman
Thanks so much, Linda Joy. Your support means a lot to me. I’m truly touched! Sue Silverman
What a great post! I really enjoyed this and it’s given me a lot to think about. I’m actually working on a novel right now that has a lot of memoir attributes to it so this was the PERFECT post for me to read.
[...] 5 Reasons Your Life Will Improve Through Writing – PickTheBrain … [...]
Positively Present: Thank you! I’m delighted you enjoyed the post. And good luck to you with your own writing! Sue
In essence, writing is a process of the mind talking to itself. Without this outlet, these thoughts remain without purpose and the world remains in chaos…
In fact, writing a letter to an individual with which you have unresolved emotional challenges can be quite therapeutic. There is no need to deliver the letter — the writing of it alone provides the writer with all that is needed…
“I write to keep from going mad from the contradictions I find among mankind — and to work some of those contradictions out for myself.” ~ Michel de Montaigne
Yes, Kent, exactly! I hardly know what I think unless I write it. I love the quote from Montaigne–thanks!
And the exercises in my book “Fearless Confessions” are useful, I think, for all kinds of writers: those who want to publish a book and/or for those who want to write only for self exploration–just for themselves.
I just want to say that I loved this post. I too write to help resolve emotions, usually keeping my notes and feelings to myself. I also love to read about other peoples lives- I often learn from their life experiences. For instance, I just recently read a great self-help book titled, “Love and Pornography,” written by an author couple ( Victoria Prater and Garry Prater,) who overcame the obstacle of pornography in their marriage. The communication techniques offered in this book proved to be helpful in my marriage. I will definitely give your book a try too. Thanks for the post.
We are hoping to see the benefit of writing and the effect it will have on our lives as well as the ability to accomplish our dreams. It will be interesting to look back and see how we change over time.
Catherine
Writing has helped me improve my life. It has helped me express my thoughts in a very creative way. Instead of letting them go to waste. great post
I love to write. For a very long time I was keeping a journal, I guess I got lazy and stopped doing it. Now I have my blog and can really let my writing run free.
Hi, Becky, I think you’re right–that we do write memoir, as well as read it–in order to better understand our emotional lives, and why we do things. Thank you for reading my post. I’m delighted you enjoyed it. Sue
Hi, Catherine, yes, I agree with you! After writing about our lives at one particular stage, it IS interesting to later read, much later, what we’ve written, as we’ve grown and changed over time. Good insight!! Sue
Dear Josten, I’m so pleased to learn that writing has helped you, too. It is a wonderful way to come to understand our life’s narrative. Thank you for your comments about my post. Sue
Peter–good luck with your blog! It IS important to keep writing–I agree. Sue
rath의 생각…
회고록까진 아니여도 글 쓰는 활동이 주는 이점이 참 많다. 물론 마이크로 블로그는 예외!…
i am very happy today . but i have one problem in my life , which always depressed me , which i becomes very
nervous & sad . its my negative thinking which me maked very nerbous to my life. please help me .
iwant to make a good , slim body but i am not making a good body . please healp me , how can i have a good possitive thinking & do the possitive thinking .
please help me , send message in my email id -deepakshukla176@gmail.com
i shall be highly obliged your kindness.
Dear Deepak,
You might try writing about some of these issues with which you’re struggling. I know, for me, I am able to figure out many things about my own life through writing about it. In other words, through writing, you might get to the heart of what troubles you. I hope this helps even a little. Sue
The word “memoir” is countable, and no, you can’t just change it.