Focus on You

Day 1: You’re Doing It Wrong! 3 Simple Steps To Anger Management

My 11-year-old daughter gets furious with her older brother at least 67 times a day.

It’s always the same: “Well he did ______ , so that’s why I’m ________.”

Sound familiar?

It should.

I guarantee you’ve had the same conversation with yourself at least once this week. Life sets you on the wrong side of injustice (probably more than you’d like), but you should never allow another person’s issue or mood to affect your own.

Change Your Focus:

Time spent wondering what you did to deserve their negative reaction is time spent neglecting yourself. See life as a play, and all the people, good and bad, who step on the stage of YOUR life are actors in YOUR story.

A few years back, I divorced my college sweetheart after an 18-year-relationship.  We did our best, but it was much harder than either of us imagined. I slowly shifted my thinking until I began to see him as an actor in my play. Whenever feelings of irritation, anger or sadness would surface, I’d focus on what he could be teaching me.

With a change in focus, I was no longer concerned about what he could do differently, or the ways in which he could improve.

When you focus on the reaction instead of the trigger, you are more in touch with the emotions welling inside you. Don’t be a puppet, have the confidence to start singing, dancing, and enjoying a life that’s fueled by your own engine. Empower yourself with the understanding that your gas should never be the approval, love or acceptance of other people.

You are your own sun. Always.

Try this simple step process I call Face, Embrace, and Erase to transform uncomfortable feelings into peace, love and clarity…for YOU.

 

Face

 

Face your feelings. Don’t focus on who made you feel the way you’re feeling, but be aware of your emotions (especially if you expect to redirect them).

If your boat was flooding with water, you’d care about plugging the leak, not who made the hole. Own your feelings. No matter who may have helped you into a negative state, the only one who can change it is you.

Embrace

Embrace your feelings by internally thanking the other person or situation for triggering your emotions.

Sound crazy?

At their core, most people have a fear of not being good enough, or that they aren’t truly loved. But in gratitude there can be no fear. See the other person as your child, or as your child self. Experience what they are feeling.

Instead of focusing on what they did to trigger you, understand how bad they must feel inside to be acting out. It’s really not about you, it’s about them and their internal pain.

Once you thank them for helping you surface deep-rooted feelings, you can diffuse their power by accepting them as a part of you.

Erase

Once you’ve faced and embraced your feelings (and thanked the person who brought them to you), you can lay the rest down. There’s really nothing else to do.

Reaction will only bring more negative energy to the situation. Turning a blind eye is telling yourself you aren’t worthy of more. But facing and embracing can eliminate the worst without any effort from you.

Keeping the focus on you means loving yourself. No one is perfect, and m

ost people do their best with what they have. Love yourself for every thing you do right and every thing you do wrong…because that’s what makes you, YOU.

 

The FREE PickTheBrain “90 Days to a Better You” eCourse was built to give you more confidence than you ever thought possible. You get one confidence boosting email a day, a motivational quote, and a photo to inspire you – all for Free

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Lori Taylor is a direct marketing specialist and personal development writer. Follow her on Twitter.

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  • http://www.peopleskillsdecoded.com Eduard – People Skills Decoded

    This makes sense. Accepting the emotion you have now is an important step in changing it. You can’t change what you don’t accept it exists.

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  • http://www.artention.ch/ Kierin

    Very interesting post, i really liked the part that said to focus on what makes the leak. I will try to do exactly that in the future.

    very nice blog

    cheers, kierin

  • http://thedropoutkid.com jonathanfigaro

    “Turning a blind eye is telling yourself you aren’t worthy of more.” This is best way way to handle a situation. Nice post.

  • http://www.transformationalmotivation.com/ M. A. Tohami

    Changing your focus is a very powerful tactic. It’s a universal law that what you focus on expands. Focus on problems and you’ll attract more of it. Focus on the good and you’ll attract more of it.

  • http://hanofharmony.com The Vizier

    Hi Lori,

    These are important points you raised to deal with anger management.

    I agree that a change of focus is very important because our perception affects how we feel about events.

    I have found that acceptance and taking personal responsibility goes a long way when it comes to dealing with people who could anger me. This is in line with your point on facing your feelings.

    Embracing is a key point. When you try to place yourself in the other person’s shoes, you trigger your compassion for them. Doing so helps you to see why they did what they did and in the process it helps to lessen the anger you feel because you understand their motives.

    Then, instead of focusing on the problem, I channel my energies towards finding the solution. This pragmatic approach leaves little rooom for my anger to get the better of me unless the situation is really extreme. But even so, I try to return to focusing on the solution as soon as I can. If there is something that can be done to resolve the matter, I do it quickly. If not I make sure things return to normal as soon as I can.

    Thanks for sharing!

  • Karen

    I wouldn’t usually take time to post a negative opinion, but in the spirit of facing my feelings, I have to say that this article is not at all helpful. People mostly run into trouble when they can’t identify their feelings, and in this article, it’s described as 1-2-3 easy.

  • Mitch

    Thank the person that made you angry – give me a break. “Thanks for killing my dog, I was able to really feel the lose like it was a sharp stab to my heart.”

  • http://www.thereflectiveself.wordpress.com Dandy

    Wonderful post Lori and an important one too. We really need to learn what our individual triggers are. We can get control of ourselves if we know what sets us off. Sometimes you can’t always avoid the stressor, but you can choose how to react to it. Great work!

    Thanks, Dandy

  • BKdigi

    First: Only brain that angers a brain is the owner of the brain. Believing somone or something outside my own thoughts, my own incorrect beliefs or my own incorrect perceptions is angering me would be mental illness.

    Second: If I do not attempt or believe I am entitled to manipulate or control a person or situation I have no business attempting to control or manipulate I will not create anger.

    Third: If I do not put myself in situations I would have been better off not putting myself into I will not create anger.

    Anger is always the brain attacking itself usually due to the mental illness of attempting to control the outside world inside the brain instead of understanding the inside and outside worlds while improving my own individual actions that will improve consequences.

  • http://www.lorirtaylor.com lori taylor

    Thank you everyone for all the feedback. I really enjoyed sharing my philosophy. I understand thanking people who have hurt you or taken something from you in this life is not easy to do. But if you believe as I do that it’s all part of a plan you have co-created, then I know anone that harms me or even someone I love is serving me as well. Teaching me some valuable lesson. Even if it is painful. And I have suffered, I can assure you. The insights to grace may not be real time, but if you find yourself hanging onto the anger you feel then you have given up your ability to move past it. That’s all. But yes, I’m not perfect and the reason I know so much about anger is because I experience it all the time. :) But I try to choose–do I serve anger, or does it serve me. Thank you all for sharing some valuable insights to add to my voice.

  • http://BestSellerAuthors.com Warren Whitlock

    I read that what separates us from animals is the space between us seeing an action and having a reaction. Supposedly, other life forms can’t control this, and we can.

    From that point on, I determined that I would not blame others from my reactions. The more I can break the two apart, the stronger I am.

    My wife tells me I’m still full of “blame language” and I’m regularly feel like someone has pushed my buttons (like telling me I use “blame language”) so your tips are needed.

  • http://www.2knowmyself.com Farouk

    i like the title of the post and how you simplified the process in easy steps
    thanks :)

  • http://none her 11 year old daughter

    i get mad at him way more that that :P

  • http://pottytrainingpower.com cindy platt

    Face, embrace, erase, you are your own sun. This is a mantra that sticks and works. Love the simplicity and thank you.

  • Shauna

    “Once you thank them for helping you surface deep-rooted feelings, you can diffuse their power by accepting them as a part of you.”

    Can someone please help me understand this part?

  • Shauna

    I really like your article. I can relate to it and it has caused me to think. It was simple yet had impact. I however have some questions.

    Turning a blind eye – isn’t this similar to denial? So after facing it and embracing it I am going to ignore (or deny) it? Sounds contradicting.

    How do I accept them as a part of me? And in doing so I do I protect my self from being used ( and taken from granted)?

    My concept is enveloped around if the there is an emotion is as the result of the cause. Fix the cause, fix the emotion. How is the emotion fixed without dealing with the situation or person that caused it?

  • http://www.claremunn.com clare munn

    Lori, an interesting read. It ties a little into my thoughts on compassion and candor. It is a complicated and vulnerable article and therefore not surprising there are a few mixed reactions in your comment fields. The good news is it is making people think and react. No matter what the outcome might be, a reaction always creates a change of some sort. Thank you for sharing this. Be well, c

  • http://www.lorirtaylor.com lori taylor

    Shauna, yes turning a blind eye is like denial, which is why I say you shouldn’t turn a blind eye. I say turning a blind eye is telling yourself you aren’t worthy of more–which is why you shouldn’t do it. You should acknowledge you’ve been triggered, and by understanding your reaction internally does not have to be tied to an action externally. Calm your inner world with awareness and acceptance and your that’s what your external world will reflect. When you start to accept you have the power to CHOOSE your reaction, you realize no one has control over you and that naturally lowers your fear. People can do whatever they want to do to you, but the gravity of the action is up to YOU. Suffering is not in the fact, but in the perception of the fact. This ties into your first question for clarification around the other person becoming a part of you. When you see them as an actor in your play who is serving you to help you grow in this life then isn’t he a part of you? You reject him if you blame him. You accept him when you integrate the lesson and grow from it. Those who seem to be your biggest enemies could really be your biggest cheerleaders, willing to carry your anger, shame and disgust so that you might evolve. Imagine that for a minute, what if it were true? It would be beautiful right? It is. :)

  • http://www.lorirtaylor.com lori taylor

    Karen, I used to believe the same way. Until I learned facing your feelings is only hard when you make it hard. The only person in your way is you when you are upset or mad. I know this from personal experience. So yes, I stand by my article, it is as simple as 1-2-3 to be honest with yourself. It takes way more effort trying to change them and you can waste even more energy wishing for things to be different.

    But if the only person we have control over is staring back at us in the mirror, then accept it’s only as hard as we make it. Having been given up for adoption at 3 weeks old, losing my adopted mother to cancer at 19, finding my biological brother at 25, only to watch her face breast cancer (survivor) not 5 years later, being married to an alcoholic, breaking my back at 36…well I’d like to say I might not be a doctor, but I’ve certainly been a patient.

    I wasn’t that great at dealing it with my anger. Until Tony Robbins gave me some tips allowing me to get real with myself, accept what I couldn’t change and what I could. I was pretty good at the blame game. Along the way I also met a really smart man who looked at me and said “All that other stuff is great, but why don’t you just put it down?” Considering he’d lost his first wife and child in a freak car accident only to lose his 2nd wife and child in child birth, I listened. I love your comment and value your opinion because I also don’t like when people minimize pain. But I do know from experience it’s a lot simpler than we make it. Even if one of these insights gives someone a 2 millimeter shift–it’s a move in the right direction.

  • Kimmy

    Wow Lori; that is an amazing way to think! This is some insightful and extraordinary advice. From reading this, I can tell that you’re a woman of strong, noble character; you’ve really gone through a lot of painful experiences. But really, how you eventually managed to develop this way of handling your emotions really makes you an extraordinary person! Some people never learn and stay angry their entire lives.

    Your advice will be infinitely helpful to those who had been on track for lives full of misguided anger and pain and who may have never thought of such a change in perspective. The very last paragraph shows that you’re a very loving and kind person. You’re absolutely right that we all need to be more accepting love ourselves more… thank you so much for all of your help (: This world needs more encouraging people like yourself, Lori ♥

  • http://upfromsplat.com Ande

    Lori, these are three great steps. They hinge on the core truth that’s under everything, which is that we can’t control anything that goes on around us but we can control how we think about it and what actions we take in response to it.

    I think the phrase he or she “makes me angry” is one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves. No one makes us angry but us. It’s all a matter of perception.

    Thanks for the clear steps to facing the real catalyst of our angry feelings. :)

  • http://www.collinsforsuccess.com Collins

    Hi Lori,You made two very interesting points here:If i get infuriated due to a little thing,therefore iam “little” correct.Secondly,it is always better to look forwards for a solution to a problem instead of the cause.
    If one recognises that one has a problem,firstly face it,embrace it and then erase it (Solve).

    Interesting points.I appreciate it.

    Collins

  • http://placidbay.wordpress.com/ sreekanth

    nice one

    really helpful

    the first one facing is the one i should improve

    thanks for your article

    sreekanth

  • http://onesarmiento.com Oscar M Sarmiento

    I agree with you about changing your focus. And I like M. A. Tohami’s comment: “Changing your focus is a very powerful tactic. It’s a universal law that what you focus on expands. Focus on problems and you’ll attract more of it. Focus on the good and you’ll attract more of it.”

  • http://onesarmiento.com Oscar M Sarmiento

    I like Ande’s comment: “I think the phrase he or she “makes me angry” is one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves. No one makes us angry but us. It’s all a matter of perception.”

  • aliya

    thats great.i love this pessage.and inshallah i focus and controll my anger 4rm know and erase ………….thanks.

  • Emileigh

    This is a great article- some of it I have heard before, but this is presented perfectly. Instead of just saying “change your view” it tells how and why you can change it. It also doesn’t say to change your emotions, and we all know that that’s not always healthy/possible.

  • Diana

    Wow this really helped thanks!! :)

  • http://www.motivation101blog.blogspot.com Andre

    Face! Embrace! Erase! I like that and will you this technique in helping me cope with dealing other people’s opinions.

    Andre Lewis
    Stay motivated @ motivation101blog.blogspot.com

  • Philip Fan

    I don’t totally agree with this kind of “Embrace. ” It is good to “face” because that will keep your emotion calm and healthy , and you will be more likely to develop the situation constructively. But if we always just “embrace” , then our dignity will be damaged because the other person will subconsciously build the confidence to trigger your negative feeling again. So I don’t think this is an ideal management but it can be the best management when it comes to dealing with someone who you aren’t supposed to see him or her again , or who is very aggressive and sensitive.

    • http://www.lorirtaylor.com/ LoriRTaylor

      Philip thank you for your honest feedback. What I mean by embrace is not exactly as you may have interpreted it. When someone “triggers” you it’s because deep inside you feel not good enough, not valued, not safe – whatever your bad feeling is – you feel it not BECAUSE they did x y or z – but it’s because they did x y or z and it pushed that button that says (for example only) “I knew it – they don’t think I’m smart enough to do that and don’t trust my opinion.”  But the reality is, while you have every right to feel that way – there is a bully or small part of them that lacked compassion or empathy and didn’t work hard enough to give you feedback that landed as an “opportunity”. Depending on the situation of course.  So when I say embrace – I mean, even if it’s internally, don’t resist the reaction to their action – acknowledge it to yourself – doesn’t have to be outloud.  Just acknowledge – oops there’s the kid in me again, feeling not good enough because someone told me no or someone spoke badly about me.  Whatever fits use it – but embrace the part of you that’s still working it out.  Because the people in your life who trigger a response are by default just working with what you carry around with you.  It’s not always easy to put past hurts down which is why it’s easy to trigger us into feeling less than in some way.  Just thank them for reminding you that sometimes you still feel bad about yourself – be grateful they brought this to your attention so you can continue to work on feeling better about you regardless of what someone “does to you”.  I hope this makes this. Again, thanks for caring enough to share – I appreciate you!

    • http://www.lorirtaylor.com/ LoriRTaylor

      Philip thank you for your honest feedback. What I mean by embrace is not exactly as you may have interpreted it. When someone “triggers” you it’s because deep inside you feel not good enough, not valued, not safe – whatever your bad feeling is – you feel it not BECAUSE they did x y or z – but it’s because they did x y or z and it pushed that button that says (for example only) “I knew it – they don’t think I’m smart enough to do that and don’t trust my opinion.”  But the reality is, while you have every right to feel that way – there is a bully or small part of them that lacked compassion or empathy and didn’t work hard enough to give you feedback that landed as an “opportunity”. Depending on the situation of course.  So when I say embrace – I mean, even if it’s internally, don’t resist the reaction to their action – acknowledge it to yourself – doesn’t have to be outloud.  Just acknowledge – oops there’s the kid in me again, feeling not good enough because someone told me no or someone spoke badly about me.  Whatever fits use it – but embrace the part of you that’s still working it out.  Because the people in your life who trigger a response are by default just working with what you carry around with you.  It’s not always easy to put past hurts down which is why it’s easy to trigger us into feeling less than in some way.  Just thank them for reminding you that sometimes you still feel bad about yourself – be grateful they brought this to your attention so you can continue to work on feeling better about you regardless of what someone “does to you”.  I hope this makes this. Again, thanks for caring enough to share – I appreciate you!

  • ravi patwardhan

    Helpful and adaptable
    Faceit, pardon it,forget it
    you only can harness yoursef noone else.
    Loving your good deeds and bad too to mend.
    Nice.Thanks.

    Ravi Patwardhan

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002622366000 Renaldo Seebaran

    This is great !!! Ill try this a for sure tell others

  • Lisa

    Umpteen million years ago, when I was in high school, I remember being extremely  mad.  One of my teachers took me aside to calm down.  The conversation went something like this:
    “They make me so mad!”
     And my teacher then asked me,”Are you there slave?”
    “What?!  I’m not a slave!”
    “Then why did you say, “they make me…”? Only you can make you be mad.”
    Talk about a ‘kick-in-the-seat’!
    Thank you for reminding me.
     

  • Deee

    I anderstand this in theory but a situation like this week my boyfriend thought I was flirting with somebody else and I wasn’t I would never do that. He hasnt talked to me all week. I try to understand no one can hurt u but u, its made me depressed. Do I just say im sorry for something I didnt do and how to get rI d of pain?

  • http://www.facebook.com/corn.storm.3 Corn Storm

     What the author did not mention is that when people are insulting us or belittling us,  the reason they do this is not because of who we are but who they are, and any irrational thing they may say is simply a reflection of the way they feel about themselves not us.

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