One of the easiest ways to improve your networking ability and invigorate your social life is to develop the skill of talking to strangers.
We’re trained as children to fear strangers (which is good for safety reasons) but most people carry this fear into adulthood where it does more harm than good. It becomes a constraint on the number of people you can meet and interact with. You get stuck in a box, only open to creating new relationships through people you already know.
If you already know a lot of people, this can work all right, but it limits you to meeting people who are generally like you. If you are new to an area and don’t have many friends, the fear of talking to strangers is absolutely crippling.
Fortunately, developing the skill of talking to strangers is easy. Once you get started the immense benefits and excitement it brings will encourage you to keep going.
It comes down to three things:
- Understanding the benefits of talking to strangers.
- Knowing how to deal with the occasional rejection or unpleasant encounter.
- Breaking down your fear through practice.
Everyone is a Learning Experience
To get an idea of the benefits of talking to strangers, you need to change your mentality. As tribal creatures, we’re naturally inclined to fear, nay hate, people we don’t know. We instinctually perceive them as dangerous outsiders, seeking to pillage our village and make off with our women and children!
In modern society this simply isn’t true. Most people are friendly and perfectly open to conversing with you. It just takes a little effort to cross the stranger barrier. Each person is an incredible learning opportunity. What they tell you about themselves. How they live and interact with the world. There is a wealth information waiting to be tapped.
Strangers also tell you a tremendous amount about yourself by the way they react to you. As you gain experience and learn to read body language, these reactions are essential to developing your social skills. Of course, there are also the priceless relationships you’ll have the chance to form:
- Business contacts – Who you know (and what they think of you) is often more important than what’s on your resume.
- Friendships
- Mentors and teachers
- Romantic relationships
I think the last point is extremely important. We all dream of meeting our ideal mate, but when we see someone we’re extremely attracted to, we’re usually too intimidated to approach them. How can you expect to find love with that mentality?
Dealing with Rudeness and Rejection
Now that you’re sold on the benefits of talking to strangers, the only other skill you’ll need is the ability to let rejection roll off your back. The key to this is not taking it personally.
At least 95% of the time when a person reacts negatively to you it has absolutely nothing to do with you personally. Most likely they’re having a bad day or you caught them at the wrong moment. Maybe they’ve been harassed by people before and assume you have bad intentions. Or maybe they’re just not that cool and you wouldn’t gain much from knowing them anyways.
Instead of reliving the incident in your mind and dwelling on your insecurities, imagine reasons for their behavior that don’t depend on you. In the 5% of cases where you actually caused the negative reaction, treat it as a learning experience. The problem isn’t you, it’s your behavior, so examine what you could have done better. Did you come off pushy? Could your personal appearance be better? Thinking about these things will go a long way towards improving yourself.
How to Get Started
That hardest part of talking to strangers is getting started. Before you have experience striking up conversations it can make you nervous and awkward, but the more you do it the smoother and more likeable you’ll become.
Start Small - If you’re a naturally reserved person, you’ll probably want to warm up a bit. Start with making eye contact with people you might like to talk to, smiling at them, or saying Hi out of the blue. Think of possible conversation starters you could say.
Comment on Something – If you see something remarkable, make a comment. Even if it’s not at anyone directly, chances are people will hear and react to you. If you see someone doing or wearing something interesting, tell them what you think. Keep it positive and most likely they will be happy to chat.
Make a Joke - If a decent joke pops into your head, just come out and say it. If someone laughs, that’s the perfect conversation starter. This is great for opening dialogue with attractive people of the opposite sex.
That’s really all there is to it. Good luck and don’t get discouraged. You have nothing to lose but your shyness!
Update: Due to reader request, I’ve written a post with some more practical tips on appearing friendly and approachable.
Image by Sukanto Debnath
This was a great post. I often have had anxieties with this type of thing. I am also an introverted person and love my alone time so that makes it more difficult. Yet, I do know how important and how good it can feel to connect with someone new. It’s amazing, just try it.
Thanks, Stanley. Glad you like it. I agree that the best part is how good it makes you feel to connect with someone new.
Great post to encourage the introverted to get out of their shells in interacting and connecting with anyone and everyone
What I feel that’s lacking in this article is a little bit more guidance and structure. Having been extremely inadequate around social situations, I had taken on social coaching. Had I not been given a “road map” so-to-speak, I’d be floundering. By and large, the “How to get started” general recommendations are GREAT, BUT what about becoming effective and making it an everyday habit?
In any case, great post.. I think I might add to this article on my own
Will,
I agree with you that there could have been more specific guidance, but I think that’s a whole post in itself. I think, no matter how well you explain something to someone, they won’t really get it until they get out and experience for themselves.
Hi Will,
I too have had social coaching. Here is one of the exercises I had. Basically you’re practicing getting people to open up to you in random situations. In this exercise you’re trying to get a movie suggestion. It sounds silly but it’s great practice. Here’s how to do it:
1.) Pull out a phone book
2.) Open to a random page and call any of the numbers
3.) Say something to the effect of the following:
you: “Hi is Jennifer there?” (any name will do)
them: “No, I’m sorry you must have the wrong number”
you: “Oh I’m so sorry. Jeez, this is the number he/she gave me and we were supposed to meet at a movie”
them: “ok…”
you: “While I have you on the phone, I was wondering if you could suggest a movie for me” yada yada yada…
4.) Repeat. Try and get 5 people to suggest a movie to you.
Some people are going to hang up on you, some people will be absolutely perplexed, but some people are really warm. It’s a great way to practice things that do and don’t work with intonation and getting over your fear without being in someone’s presence. You won’t get in trouble because it’s not a prank call, it’s just a fake wrong number. Simple! I’m sure some people will say it’s a crazy idea (it really is), but it helped me. Give it a try, what do you have to lose?
Hey Chris,
Haha, sounds VERY familiar. I believe we were trained under the same school.
What’s wrong being an introvert?
http://briankim.net/blog/2007/10/top-5-things-every-extrovert-should-know-about-introverts/
Respecting people for who they are is far more important than overcoming shyness or “coming out of your shell”.
There is nothing wrong with being an introvert at all, but not all shy people are introverts. Some are extroverts. They need to be around people, but for whatever reason, they are scared to be themselves and are afraid of social situations or interacting with certain types of people they find intimidating. To be a shy extrovert is very difficult, you are always fighting yourself, putting yourself down, and feeling out of control of your social life.
I think this post isn’t saying there is anything wrong with an introverted personality. It’s about overcoming shyness. Two totally different concepts!
an introvert isn’t necessarily afraid to be his or herself, or afraid of social settings. look up what an introvert is, and you’ll see that being an introvert and being shy are two different things.
I think it’s a load of bull!
all the senseless casual conversation isn’t necessary.
and if some1 judges people by their appearance (or behaviour to certain extent)
i don’t even wanna talk to em
I doubt you make many new friends with that attitude.
Casual conversation is completely necessary if you ever plan on creating relationships with humans, but I suppose these days you can get by with poorly written blog comments too.
I agree with zwenkwiel. I’m totally secure in myself anyway, if I wish to talk to someone I will. Otherwise I see no point.
This page is here for people seeking a way out of introversion… and looking for ways to become who they want to be… There is nothing in it that is knocking anyone. Besides no matter who you are, communicating with people and becoming better at it is important to everyone. Especially strangers… all your relationships were former strangers
Some more information would be nice. What do you do with your hands? how do you stand? What kind of pitfalls should you avoid, to not sound creepy?
Axion,
It seems like a lot of readers are interested in that type of info. I’ll probably to do another post on the subject next week.
I can’t talk and I’m deaf so I don’t know how I can put this into use.
In theory I agree with your position, in practice I find that 7 years in customer service in industries that don’t lend themselves to positive interactions (banking, insurance) has made me more poised but less interested in interacting with new people. In this case what would you suggest?
Maybe try interacting with people in an environment that’s more cheerful and conducive to fun, like the beach or a park.
I could see how working in banking/insurance could make talking to strangers an unpleasant experience.
I’ve been incredibly shy for the longest time. My mom always kept me sheltered and taught me that every stranger out there is a potential enemy. She took “don’t talk to strangers” a bit too far and made me fear people.
What people think of me has ruled my life for a long time. I was even anorexic for awhile because of it. Because i was hoping people would like me based on how good i looked. Now i’ve grown to realize it doesn’t matter. None of others’ negativity matters.
I’ve lived so long being afraid and never sat to think “why”. Why am i afraid of what someone might think of me? Because they won’t be my friend? I won’t die if someone doesn’t like me and i’m glad i realize that now. I think shyness/anxiety creates an unknown fear. I bet a fair amount of people with anxiety don’t ever stop to question why they’re so afraid. They’re just afraid. If things were more thought out and clarity given, it might be different.
i’m 24. Having my daughter really changed my outlook on everything. I loved your post. I agree what others said: more specifics please! Hand gestures, when it’s okay to make physical contact, a slap on the back, high five, etc. I see your blog helping alot of people. Thank you
Nice post, I use to be so fearful of strangers until I realized that there is nothing to fear. Like you say in your article 95% that react negatively to you have something else bothering them. I have to catch myself reacting in a negative way too when I am having a bad day. It is so critical in the business world to make contacts and network. I recently wrote a post about the necessity of networking that fits in perfectly with your suggestions on meeting strangers.
http://juiceofchampions.com/home/networking-idle-chatter-or-essential-business
Hi John,
I wanna say thank you, I’ve got to know your blog long time ago, from a message titled overcoming shyness on october 9th. That is actually one of my inspiration to become a blogger, as I believe more and more that I have something to share.
And now I’m a professional blogger =)
Thanks for your sharing, how you shine bring me to shine as well.
Appreciate it!
Robert
Hey John,
Thanks for shouting to me about this on Digg, it’s a great article!
-Suz
http://www.startgo.com
Your post seems to end with “if you’re shy, try not being so shy”. I’m not sure that telling a timid person to “[say] Hi out of the blue” to a stranger is much help. It’s like asking a deaf person to “just listen”.
Honestly, being a shy person myself, the only cure I’ve found is psyching yourself out. If you keep telling yourelf to “go up and talk to her”, it will eventually be every second thought you have; you’ll have no choice but to go up and talk to her. It also helps to get your friends to help psych you into it; they can offer the pressure you need and the support you need should you back down.
Once you’ve psyched yourself into something like this, you’ll start realising how trivial talking to a stranger can be and the next time you need psyching out will be a whole lot easier.
That sounds like a great idea to set yourself up for horrible failure. If you’re in love and all wound up on contacting someone, you might very well do it in the worst way. (Know it from experience)
Pressure doesn’t have to lead to failure. I’m sorry that in your experience it’s lead to this. But your personal experience is not enough evidence do disprove my suggestion, let alone anyone else’s. Any method you try to overcome shyness can and often will lead to failure. Failure is simply an inherent possibility in trying to accomplish anything.
Also, saying that psyching yourself out to talk to a stranger “might very well [lead you to do so] in the worst way” is very ambiguous and completely ungrounded. All this says is that you could fail and you could make things worse. Sure, of course. But like I’ve said, this is inherent in trying to accomplish anything. If you take Wesley’s advice and just spout off a joke when it comes to mind you could make things worse too; you could very easily make a bad or even offensive joke and anger the stranger you wish to talk to. You could just as easily make a very good joke and ignite a conversation with that very same stranger.
All I’m saying, is that if a person’s shyness is heavily rooted in his/her personality, it’s very hard to simply convince them (with words) that they should just ignore this aspect of themselves. I have found it more useful—yes, from my personal experience—to have myself and my family and friends apply pressure on me. It helps having your friends and family doing it so that they can support you should experience “horrible failure”.
Overcoming shyness is such an important thing. And doing it isn’t impossible. It’s like Thich Nhat Hanh said, “Smile, breathe and go slowly.” Great post, John!
Nice article not 20 foot long:-) strait to the point
I was shy for the longest time and i couldn’t ever get over the problems of speaking to new people until i saw this video about rational and irrational fears.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=RnOt4aN2uyc
Wow, that really is inspirational – you just have to tell people how you’re feeling, thanks for sharing that. JUST NEVER GIVE UP.
Very good advice, I’ve often struggled with shyness from childhood, I found the best way to get over it, for me at least, was to just confront it. It’s like most fears, the easiest way to get over them is to confront them and see that there’s nothing to really be afraid of.
Great article. With motivation and positive action anyone can re-program themselves to not be afraid of talking to strangers. Integrating this new habit into your identity takes time though. Baby steps. Definitely start small… If you have a hard time with strangers, start with coworkers, neighbors, people you see and already know. Start making more eye contact with people you walk by on the street. Get comfortable with your new habit.
Yeah those are just the basics – enough to get you on digg.com. but I don’t think you are a shy person that overcame that because if you want to real give some usful info to shy people, you should address their introverted-ness.
Shy people say:
“I don’t know what to say”
or
“I can’t think of a good joke”
or
“I can’t think of a constructive comment to say”
they aren’t shy because they are afraid of talking…
I totally agree. This is indeed the problem. I personally hardly ever speak to stranges not because I’m “afraid”. Being afraid has nothing to do with it.
On most cases I see no reason to, and this post has given some reasons to do so anyway, and I can relate to that. However, when I actually do want to say something, I usually avoid that simply because I start searching for something to say, and then draw blank…
So specific examples and guidance would have helped here.
Amen!
thats exactly how i am. im not afraid really to talk i just cant think of anything to say i draw blanks. ive noticed about myself is im either really boring and can think of alot of boring things to say or i can be really funny but just saying stupid funny stuff not having a real conversation which isnt really usefull.
Um, hi.
First of all, I’m German, so don’t be mad if I’m making some mistakes
Second – Yes, I am shy. After reading your article, I just smiled, because in my case, all of that wouldn’t work. It’s just the theory you’re posting here, I think most of the shy people will already know this. You’re saying, “You have nothing to lose but your shyness!”, maybe this is true, but I … well, I think i fear to lose my face in front of them. I’m way too shy to just go to anyone I see on the street and say “Hi, nice shirt, how do you do” or whatever.
I think if I would ever do this, some time will pass, cause I need a lot more courage to do this.
Now, where do I get courage from? Just because I’ve talked to some strangers I met on the street I won’t be able to do this without getting nervous even after a whole year or so.
I dunno what to say now, cause it really *is* an good article. but it’s, for someone like me, just… impossible to realize this.
…
Yeah. So then. I’ll try, but I don’t think I’ll be able to do this without fear in the next few years…
Warbunny
Here’s the best way to do it. Start making social commentary about what you see around you. Comment to yourself about what people are wearing, how people are acting, funny/cool/interesting things that you see around you every day. Do this first silently, in your head. Get used to the fact that you have something interesting to say in the world. Next step: subvocalize. Say it aloud, but just out of range of human hearing. After a few weeks of that, make it a little louder. And a little louder. And a little louder. At this point, you should have been doing it for months — the only difference now is that people can hear you.
sounds acceptable
i think i’ll try this
thanks
The best way to deal with shyness would be to love…yourself, and the others. When you love yourself (I’m not saying love your ego) you don’t feel insecure about yourself and hence you don’t fear rejection. And when you love people you don’t find them threatening. This feeling of love can be developed gradually; it doesn’t have to be a revolutionary personality change. Begin by one person you are not close to and decide that you are going to love that person and are not going to feel shy (well, not filling shy doesn’t mean you start appearing in front of that person in your birthday suit!) with that person.
Shyness doesn’t necessarily stem from self-esteem issues! I am perfectly happy with who I am, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling nervous and coming up blank when I want to say something. It’s really not a symptom of deeper issues that need to be fixed.
strangers are easy, i’m relaxed with them, it’s people i already know i have the problem with, and usually strangers are just one time friends that go there separate way afterwards and introductions, for the most part, go towards the end of an awkward handshake and matching introduction.
DUde, that’s exactly my issue. strangers are easy. it’s people that I already know that are more difficult. (not all people though, just some people). I find that my girlfriend fulfills almost all of my social needs.
Did you come off pushy? Could your personal appearance be better? Thinking about these things will go a long way towards improving yourself.
“Could your personal appearance be better?”
WTF
He said what he meant. A person is more likely to talk to you if you are professionaly, or just very nicely dressed, as opposed to stinky, ragged clothes, poorly manicured, or groomed poorly.
Its freakin common sense.
Shyness is based on selfishness, it’s a symptom. It’s root is self-absorbsion. You care way too much about what other people think of you, even strangers. Me me me. The key to combatting shyness is to work on your selfishness. Try to think less about yourself and more about what other people are feeling, is there any way you can help them? If this can be done, the shyness will take care of itself and go away on it’s own.
Sorry if this sounds insulting to some people, but shyness is an important issue and deserves honesty.
I think you’re way off. I’m a fairly shy person and I don’t think I’m self absorbed at all. I also think that introverted people get a raw deal. Just because they aren’t outgoing and talking to everyone the need to “fix” themselves?
Kudo’s to you’re stunning intelect Jesse, I agree.
You should be the next U.S president.
I don’t think you’re even close to the concept of shyness. I personally am only slightly shy; I have trouble talking to new people, but if I am comfortable with some people around me, I have no problem. It has nothing to do with insecurity or self-absorbency. People who are shy are just scared of other people! Maybe they had a bad experience and they were scarred by it. It isn’t right to assume they are selfish just because they are shy.
I consider myself a shy person, so as of this moment I am going to stop being selfish and help you out by letting you know you are a moron who speaks out of his ass.
“Sorry if this sounds insulting to some people, but shyness is an important issue and deserves honesty”
Classic. Calling people names and putting them down so that you can feel good about yourself at their expense. I can’t think of anything more selfish and immature, thanks for proving my point for me.
so you don’t think that calling someone selfish and self absorbed is calling them names or putting them down?
p.s.
q. which is better modesty or confidence?
a. neither they are BOTH admirable qualities.
I agree. Shyness is rude. It is, by it’s very definition, “anti-social behavior.” Of course, the shy person never sees it that way and believes just the opposite. But to believe that in a group situation you should be somehow excused from participating in polite conversation is arrogant.
I used to be very shy but once this was pointed out to me in this way, I made every effort to stop making excuses. I’m not a raging extrovert by any means but now I look people in the eye and keep up my end when someone is friendly.
As someone who used to be very painfully shy, now much less so, I am of two minds on that comment actually. There is some merit to the basis of the thought. Less self-consciousness is indeed desirable, and being self-absorbed can certainly be a part of the problem.
I have a problem though with the “they are just selfish people” frame. Frankly the tone of it reminds me of a scowling preacher bent on shaming people at every turn. There are also reasons for the withdrawn state, which if accounted for might indicate using a different tone. Not to say that one has to get into the reasons to help, just be aware that they are there, and thereby understand that a more merciful and less judgmental tone may be in order. I believe strongly that in many cases it is due at least in part to the cruelty of peers early in life; a thought distortion develops producing expectations of ill treatment and harsh judgment — another reason why I believe that the “they are selfish people” tone will prove unhelpful, it would seem to most shy people as just another example of harsh judgments thrown their way by people more interested in proving their own superiority (moral superiority in this case) in comparison to them than in actually being helpful. It may not be the intent of the poster to give that impression, but there is a definite harshness in the coming across. Then again, frankly I have observed in some cases that gratuitous tongue clicking by fairly merciless people is often spun as “just being honest”. But I don’t know the poster or his or her intentions either way.
I’ll just put it this way: If you the poster are REALLY interested in helping shy people, and not just in judging them, then I would suggest a lot more tact. You can still use the basis for your point (though probably not by itself alone) because there is a degree of merit in it. Just be kinder about how you go about it, and patient.
I know the politics of the day has been favoring hardness and decries compassion as weak and empathy as traitorous. Ignore that zeitgeist and especially do not let it bleed into every area of life. It is poison.
A couple more general comments going back to the originating subject itself:
While not a trained expert on cognitive therapy, I do feel from what I know of it (and that does include coming out of years of chronic low-grade depression because of it), that it probably has great potential in helping a lot of shy people out there.
Shy people, it seems to me, also often have sensitive nervous systems, and strong emotion is felt more than with many other people. This may be the cause of some added challenges as well. They may be prone to some sensory overload too, including going into an almost trance-like state at times when there constant sounds and the din of voices, startling more easily, etc.
[...] You get stuck in a box, only open to creating new relationships through people you already know.read more | digg [...]
alcohol. balls in a bottle!
[...] My personal response would be, don’t worry about people. It hardly matters how they think of you. In your entire lifetime you must come across thousands of people; how does it matter if some of them don’t see you as you want them to see? Anyway, Pick The Brain has a post on how to overcome shyness. [...]
Nice post!
2 quotes to remind yourself of before you get out of the door:
“What other people think of you is none of your business.”
and…
“Friends were once strangers too.”
I read in a book once that a lot of people are actually just as shy or just as afraid of rejection as you are. So with that in mind, perhaps it will be easier for you to approach strangers and engage them in conversation.
I don’t think of myself as shy and I frequently talk to new people, but I did find some helpful bits of info in this post.
Thanks!
The Shy Person’s Guide to Talking to Strangers…
This story has been submitted to Stirrdup. Your support can help it become hot….
How Enlightening!!!
NOT.
Thanks Captain Obvious.
Even understanding the reasons and benefits behind the problem don’t always help in overcoming it. The article should be retitled to a “why” not a “how to.”
[...] You get stuck in a box, only open to creating new relationships through people you already know.read more | digg [...]
Nice Article. Thank you. You got my del.icio.us bookmark!
Interesting enough, I used all the methods in this article to fight my own shyness, and that was far, far before it was ever written!
Making off-hand comments like “It’s sure raining hard out there,” or “It looks like you’re quite busy today” really helps to get people to interact with you.
The hardest is dealing with rude people. It might make you not want to talk to anyone for the rest of the day. But, I’ve come to realize that those people are actually quite rare. The second hardest is when people ignore you or meet your attempts at communication with silence. I’m willing to be that those types are actually as shy as you feel however.
I was going to write a long post but I’m to shy to write a post for strangers online.
Hi, maybe you can help me with this. I love your post, my only problem is that I can’t crack a joke if my life depended on it. And most people like to talk to funny guys, and I am the un-funniest guy there is. I think I can work towards having a ‘braver’ personality, but my biggest problem is that most of the time, i have nothing to talk about! I’d love to hear suggestions from anyone.
Best wishes
Haha I don’t think you could be the un-funniest person in the world.
I also don’t think it’s true you have nothing to talk about.
First of all, don’t worry about having something important to say. People talk about mundane things all the time. Just mention what’s on your mind.
A lot of humor is spontaneous, so if a witticism strikes you, just let it fly. It gets a lot easier with a little practice and the encouragement of positive reactions.
Hey, anybody out there likes a dry sense of humor, maybe that’s what you have. I actully thought it was humorous just to read about you saying that you thought that you weren’t funny. Follow? Anyhoo, you’re gonna knock ‘em dead with that explaination if they ever ask you for a good joke.
I think it’s important to distinguish here the difference between shyness and introversion. One is a personality type, the other more like a social disorder. There is nothing wrong with being introverted vs extroverted. Introversion is something that extroverts don’t understand and can be “threatened” by or take as rudeness. Shyness, however, is really difficult to overcome. I know this because I consider myself a partial shy extrovert. And to the defense of shy people, it can take months to break a habit you haven’t had for very long. How long does it take to break a personality issue you’ve had your whole life?
I’d recommend the book “The Introvert Advantage” for anyone wondering about the difference between shyness and introversion.
@20, are you a shy or confident person? If you aren’t shy than it’s not completely fair to assume shy people are selfish. I’m not sure self-absorption is the correct term. To me, this seems like what most extroverted confident people THINK shy people are like.
[...] [From The Shy Person’s Guide to Talking to Strangers | PickTheBrain] [...]
“Confidence is an act, anyone can fake it.”
This has been a guiding principle and an article of faith with me for more years than I care to remember. It boils down to this:
What is the difference between somebody with “natural confidence” and somebody who fakes it?
The person who is naturally confident, is presumed to have no fear of rejection, they talk to somebody, are rejected, think nothing of it, and move onto the next person.
Whereas the average/shy type, when they are rejected, they are crushed inside, and go hide in a closet, resolved never to be so stupid again.
However, were the average/shy type to fake confidence it would look a little like this:
The person who fakes confidence, fears rejection, they talk to somebody, are rejected, fell crushed inside, and move onto the next person.
Objectively, there is no difference between the two, since the difference is entirely personal and “subjective”. The important point however is that confidence is all about perception, and members of the opposite sex think confidence is attractive. If you are thought of as being confident, people will treat you as being confident.
Also, if you actively practise something for long enough it becomes a habit, pretty soon it just becomes part of who you are. Just like riding a bike, or learning to drive.
Pretty inspiring post. I plan, and really hope I do, to practice it.
Wow! I could not have seen this post at a better time. I just moved to a new city and know absolutely no one but my roommate. I haven’t been able to get out there and meet people because I have a crippling fear of talking to people. To top it off, I’m a naturally shy and introverted person to begin with. Now I’m off to a coffee shop and I’m really going to try to 1. look people in the eye and 2. say ‘hi’ to strangers. I think the random comment thing will eventually come into play (I hope).
Thank you for the post!
Good luck missy! Moving to a new city was actually what inspired me to write this article. I’m sure you’ll do great.
Stop Helping the Shy!
http://cleverswine.net/?p=333
Sorry, I shouldn’t speak for all shy people. I am personally frustrated with people trying to “help” me.
I think what you’re talking about in your comment isn’t “shy” it’s having an introverted personality. See my comment #35
Very nice article. I think most shyness issues are fear of rudeness or rejection, or just not comfortable with one’s social skills. I think this article adresses this well.
Interesting article. It feels a bit short. You could have elaborated on it a bit more. Nice open and intro to how to talk to strangers.
There are some new sites/services out there like http://www.surespeak.com that let you practice speaking with your webcam. Might be something to check out.
Shyness is often a matter of self-confidence combined with fear of rejection or worse yet public humiliation.
You made several great observations and suggestion on ways to live with shyness. An introvert is not necessarily shy in all aspects of life,and an extrovert many be painfully shy in some areas of life. There’s room for a great variety of personalities and that is what makes life so interesting.
It seems to be totally true that a shy guy is always more socially acceptable than a shy girl, this is kind of my battle, why is this so? Girls are always seen as the conversation queens or the multitasking gossippers while the men bashfully try to conjure up a slick line to reel the women in or to make a joke among other guys.
It’s not too attractive to be a shy girl, that’s the thing I get out of it, somebody tell me I’m wrong here.
I have often found that in starting a new thing, a helpful practice is to Also Learn the Next Step.
Taking baby steps and opening people is fine.
What’s even better is to learn conversation either through a book or a class, so that you’re prepared for the next step after they say, “Good, how are you?”
Also, Shyness can partially equate to a Fear of Exterior Judgment in addition to the garden variety introversion. Getting over that fear is another project entirely (and probably worthy of its own post).
Cheers.
My mom always told me to never talk to strangers, but for some reason I always did the opposite of what she told me, so I have been blessed. I love to talk to people I don’t know, and have been doing so since I was … well since I could talk.
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The Shy Person’s Guide to talking to Strangers – for the [...]
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People were a fear of mine growing up. Throughout the years, however, I have been blessed by a growing comfort with my fellow human beings. There are still situations where I freeze up, feel light headed, and/or draw into a “shell.”
Overcoming these things take time as does the body when being exercised. This is a mental discipline, handling people, and is not merely a label we are so used to seeing (”Introverted” or IFJC or what have you). My experiences for growth are: college (the personalities there, the new faces, roommates, etc), new jobs (cashier, waiter, salesman), and other situations where I a forced to be out of my shell.
The process can and is very tiring. I always need an “alone-time recharge” after a party, work, or being with an unfamiliar crowd. Regardless, I find it easier and easier to look into a strangers eyes, smile, and utter an AUDIBLE “Hello.”
Introduction and conversation development is no different than training a muscle.
hey… very nice post. i really like it.. really useful for a shy person like me! good job!
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I was just rejected for a job because I was “too shy” and not outgoing enough so this problem is pretty serious, I think. This post is great, but could have been more detailed.
Yes shyness can be a crushing problem in the workplace. I am having to leave my job because people think that I am too afraid to speak to them. Making conversation can be very intimidating, especially when people come from different cultures and are speaking different languages. I feel sure that this shyness is very connected to narcissism or other kinds of conceitedness. But these seem to be kind of original sin, very hard to just eliminate.
Also the problem is connected to a lack of love or concern for the lives of the people around. This seems to be something that can be tackeled by some positive action.
The article seemed to be helpful. I will try some of the things.
I have couple of questions:
1. I don’t understand what I should be talking to these people. I don’t have fear to talk..but no subjects to talk or continue talking.
2. My voice is small. So while talking in group of men, I can’t bring my attension. Same is not true in group of ladies. I am pretty popular in ladies.
What can be done on these problems?
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Hello John
Your article is amazing. I am a extremely shy person around people I don’t know, but however I am not shy around people I know.
I feel very bad, because some of these people I really would like to know better.
I’ll take your advise to heart.
Thank-you
a stranger you have helped,
~Shahed
For those of us who need a little boost to try to start a conversation, this might be a helpful read:
http://www.erinpavlina.com/articles/jump-pool-clothes-on.htm
As for the *content*, I will surely try Sagar’s (reply to 16.) advice
“The weather either sucks or its great”, is an excellent way to start phasing out your shyness. Its alway there so you will always have some thing to say. + You can improvise on it all the time.
The way I see it is that, If you’re shy then you gain absolutely nothing. You have to at least try to force yourself to talk to other people when you can, As long as you aren’t obviously looking nervous or completely rude to them, you have NOTHING to lose and A LOT to gain (like a friend). I used to be shy when I was younger and the way I eventually got over it was just by forcing myself to forget all about what people think of me, because really.. Its all in your head! No one is actually diagnosing everything about you as you have a conversation, so just loosen up and get yourself to talk, If you’re still in school then that make it even easier for you.. Just go out with your friends over the summer.. And remember, ANYONE can lose their social skills or BECOME shy because they stay away from people for too long, so stay active, go outside, have fun, talk to people, gain friends, live life. No matter what you think, It’s a lot better then being alone.
[...] When I’m thrown into a group where I don’t know anyone, I tend to look for the other people sitting on their own, glancing nervously around for a friendly face. I find it really hard to butt into a group who are already chatting and laughing together (I end up hovering on the fringes, smiling weakly and remaining completely unnoticed). Most people are friendly and perfectly open to conversing with you. It just takes a little effort to cross the stranger barrier. Each person is an incredible learning opportunity. What they tell you about themselves. How they live and interact with the world. There is a wealth of information waiting to be tapped. – from The Shy Person’s Guide to Talking to Strangers [...]
A couple people have asked for specific steps to take to come up with ideas to talk about, but I have not seen many ideas. I am someone who can look people in the eye, no problem, but when it comes to some people I know and have known for quite some time, I get stuck for ideas “on the fly”. I feel like I have nothing to contribute to a conversation with them. I think it is perceived negatively. What can I do to come up with ideas of topics to talk about?
[...] The Shy Person’s Guide to Talking to Strangers @ Pick the Brain [...]
[...] up a conversation with a stranger scares you, I recommend this article published on Pick The Brain: The Shy Person’s Guide to Talking to Strangers . Joining Toastmasters is also a great way to develop your social skills. I went to a few meetings [...]
alcohol can help,though its not always practical.
Hi, I’m currently a college student and I’m almost finished with my freshman year. I’ve made a lot of great friends, and I usually have no problem jelling with people that I end up seeing a lot, like my hallmates for example. However, I’m really disappointed with myself in that I have a really hard time being around girls that I find attractive. I went to a single-sex school for 6 years, so being at a “normal” university is a lot of stress for me. Every time that I think of a pretty girl that I like, it gets me down, because being around them makes me so afraid. I’ve been trying to work on this all year, but I just can;t seem to improve as much as I want to.
My condition is worse I went my whole education to a single-sex schools and even outside the school my small town was very conservative, when I moved to the university which is an American university in an arab country I am really stuck and for three years I know a total of zero girls and this even affected my friendship with boys in the uni
Hi, I found both the post and the really interactive replies very interesting as I am very shy and I am a university student and almost I had never talked with a girl before even I don’t know what to say or how to start. I can stay for hours with a girl in any place thinking of a way to start chatting but I never got the boldness to do so.
Thinking is good, but shyness is an unfortunate byproduct of thinking. All I am are my thoughts, but many of those “thoughts” are music and colors and wordless impressions, so it’s impossible to be all that I am and then translate that into a working model for presentation to strangers. So, by letting any of this matter at all, I don’t define myself. Everybody else defines me. I hand that power over to them. Moments of faces and comments, and longer moments alone spent reflecting on those moments. That is what adds up to what I am. What separates me.
Hilariously, all I’m doing is adding up tiny slices from other people’s day, and interpreting the sum total as me. Meanwhile, we’re stuck to this rock spinning in a vacuum.
I love your articles on shyness; they really help me feel better about the whole issue, like it’s something I can and will overcome if I try. One thing I find sometimes it that I get so caught up in doing my own thing that even when people try to talk to me, I’m not really that into it. It’s not that I don’t like them; it’s just easier for me to read a book than to make small talk, and in this case easier=more fun.
What type of careers have all of you had? My mom is wanting to find a new job, she has a bachelors in biology and doesn’t like where she’s at right now. I am also trying to find out what to do for a career and am very shy. Any pointers would help.
that’s an interesting article, hope u write part 2 of it
Word. You couldn’t have put it any better John K. School us some more.