The Sensitive Person’s Guide to Handling Criticism

Posted on March 27, 2008 by Peter Clemens | CATEGORIES: self improvement

Has this ever happened to you?

You’re happily going about your day when, out of nowhere, someone criticizes something you say or do. Suddenly you lose focus and can’t stop thinking about what they said or wrote. You know you shouldn’t be bothered, but knowing doesn’t help you stop thinking about it over and over and over.

In the past I have spent hours, days even, thinking about even the smallest of critical comments. It still happens to me every so often, but for the most part I have learned how to effectively handle it. I guess you could say I am a sensitive person, and truth be told I don’t think there is anything wrong with this for the most part. However, being sensitive to criticism is a major problem if it causes you to lose focus on important tasks or makes you stop acting in a certain manner due to fear of being criticized.

Since putting myself “out there”, in particular with my blogging, I have had to implement a number of strategies for dealing with criticism. And for the most part these strategies have worked well. That is not to say I don’t still feel the sting of criticism, but for the most part I don’t let it hijack my thoughts or stop me from acting in my normal manner.

Understanding Criticism

To effectively deal with criticism, it is important to first understand that there are different types of, and reasons for, critical comments.

It is not always about you. The truth is, there are some angry, jealous and insecure people in the world who are critical because… well…. that’s just the way they are. That’s not to say that sometimes they are not critical for good reasons, but other times it is just a case of you being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

It is inevitable. Recently I read how Drew Barrymore was criticized by some people after donating $1,000,000 to charity. To me, this just shows that when it comes to how we act or what we say often we are caught in a Catch 22. That is, we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t.

It may be justified. We each have our imperfections, and this means that sometimes we do something wrong or say something stupid. When this happens, any criticism we receive may be well justified.

How to Handle Criticism

We now know that not all criticism is the same. The key is to be aware of what type of criticism you are receiving and then act accordingly. The following are some strategies that I find to be effective:

Don’t take it personally. As I mentioned earlier, sometimes criticism has very little to do with you and a lot to do with the other person’s own insecurities, anger or unique way of seeing the world. If someone makes a nasty personal attack on you, there is a good chance that it is actually them that has the problem. At the other end of the spectrum, if someone criticizes you in a constructive manner don’t let your own pride get in the way of hearing what they have to say.

Learn. Sometimes there is good reason for people to be critical of what we say or do. So if you are criticized for whatever reason, try to be open-minded about it. Perhaps even welcome it by expressing gratitude to your critic. It may not be nice to hear criticism, but such feedback is often a part of the learning process and can provide us with valuable insights into how we can improve and grow as a person.

Toughen up. As I said before, I don’t necessarily think it is bad to be sensitive. But if criticism regularly hijacks your thoughts, it could be time to toughen up and grow a thicker skin. In my opinion, the best way to do this is with an inside-out approach. By this I mean don’t just pretend to be tougher. Instead, take the time to work on your self-esteem so that you hold greater confidence in your abilities and ideas.

Be assertive. If you feel that the criticism you receive is unjustified, I suggest you respond courteously, but assertively. This may be difficult, particularly if the other person is your senior. But it is generally not a good idea to “bottle up” your feelings as this is what can leave you dwelling on criticism for hours or even days.

Do it anyway. Perhaps the most important point in this article is: don’t change the way you act or the things you say simply to avoid criticism. Remember, criticism is usually inevitable. And it may just be an indication that you have taken a risk and chosen to tackle something which is a challenge to you.

Photo by SeraphimC.

Peter writes about how to change your life at The Change Blog. He is also the author of Starting a Blog and Audio Book Downloads.

  • Marta

    Good first start tips, however, I think one needs to go beyond this.

    When you’re being criticized, start to notice how you’re feeling and also your outward reaction. Some people might feel shame, embarrassment, anger, disappointment but display a different emotion.

    I know it’s a bit touchy-feely but until you can work on the root of the issue, it’ll be hard to change your reaction to the situation.

    • http://www.pickthebrain.com Peter

      That’s a good point Marta. We are each different, and it is important to gain an awareness of our own personal feelings and reactions to criticism. As I said in the article, these strategies are what have worked for me. Hopefully they will also be of use to some readers :)

  • http://www.wethechange.com Todd Goldfarb

    All good points Peter. I think a follow-up article might be good which talks about how to toughen up, and how ‘not to take it personally’. There are several tangible exercises people can do I bet…and would love to hear your thoughts!
    Todd

  • bronwen

    don’t take this personally – please stop saying ‘for the most part’ so often! four times in two paragraps! i liked *what* you were saying, though ;)

    • http://www.pickthebrain.com Peter

      Thanks Bronwen. In the spirit of this article, I can assure you I won’t take it personally and will take it on board for the future. :)

    • Vinnie

      Why should he change that, simply because you do not like it? It is HIS blog after all. You don’t like it – don’t read it. Maybe he likes saying that, maybe you don’t. We are all different and you don’t need to try and impose your way of doing things onto others, especially if they are only personal preferences.

      Adios..

  • http://thirdbounce.com Heather

    Great post! It is nice to know that other people struggle with taking criticism too. :)

    One aspect of not taking things personally that has helped me is to separate my view of work from my view of my person. Essentially, if someone criticizes my work (something I did) that doesn’t mean they intended to criticize me (something I am). For example, if someone criticizes something I wrote, then that artifact may in fact be flawed, but it doesn’t mean I am a bad writer.

  • http://www.newstasis.com/2008/03/27/feedback-destroyer-mitigating-an-automatic-response/ Patrick

    Marta raises a great point. It isn’t the criticism that hurts, it’s our interpretation of it that stings. Too often we allow antiquated conditioned responses to determine how we respond to what others say.

    Good stuff Peter!

    • jack

      Excellent point and once you work out that your interpretation is “yours” and not necessarily that of the person criticizing you, things seem to clear up much faster (unless you are not reading the signs on the wall :) ) )

  • http://juiceofchampions.com/home Brad Baggett

    This article really hit home with me today. I have been working on a huge project at work that has received a lot of praises and has been going very well, but here in the final phases of the project there has been a lot of “arm chair quarterbacking”. I do not consider my self all that sensitive when it comes to criticism but it has hit me hard the past few days. What is most aggravating to me is that the criticism, which fits into every one of your categories, does not help with the issues that are brought up. Most of the criticism is, “I would have done this that way”, “this should be here”, “Why didn’t you do it this way”, etc. I have no doubt that many of my ideas and solutions are not perfect, but it is hard to take when no other solutions or alternatives are being offered up and then you get seconded guessed.

    http://www.JuiceofChampions.com

  • http://www.varsityblah.com/about Eugene (Editor, Varsity Blah)

    I love Dale Carnegie’s belief that “nobody ever kicks a dead dog.” By that he means oftentimes people criticize you because what you do incites some sort of jealousy in them. He also believes that unjust criticism is often a disguised compliment. Ultimately, the most important thing is to be happy with what you do as long as you know it’s right.

  • Clem M

    I feel encouraged by these tips, but I believe it can also happen that when you begin adopting to these new ways of combating criticism, one might be pushed back to old ways of “overreacting”, and find yourself defeated over again. One emphasis though is not take everything that’s been said or done to oneself personal, period. I believe that’s the basis of defeating these “pull downers”.

  • http://www.adversityuniversityblog.com Stephen Hopson

    Peter:

    I felt as if you wrote this just for me because while I’ve encountered a lot of rejection (as a Wall Street stockbroker in the 90s), I am still a sensitive guy.

    As my blog continues to gain more exposure, every now and then I come into contact with some nasty, angry people that I have no business dealing with. But there they are.

    Oftentimes they are looking to provoke you and start a verbal war. There are a couple ways I handle it:

    1. If the email is a verbal assault on your character, full of accusations, I simply delete them, sometimes I’ll spam them out of existence. That kind of energy has no place in my world and I won’t allow it. They are people who cannot reason – they just attack for no reason and without respect. They don’t know how to disagree politely.

    2. At times if I get a feeling a person is about to turn nasty (I have a heightened sixth sense), I will politely but firmly write back saying something to the effect of wishing them well but that it serves no purpose to go any further. Sometimes this would provoke an outright attack, often justifying my sixth sense.

    99 percent of the time comments I receive on my blog are very supportive, loving and engaging with respect, honor and integrity. I believe that’s because I am that way myself – what goes around, comes around. However, the world of the Internet is like the Wild West and the more prominence you gain, the more you’re likely to come across those people who are looking for a fight for no reason. I’ve learned to ignore them but it still stings.

  • http://jonathanmead.com Jonathan Mead

    I think that’s a great point, that’s it’s not always about you. One of the best things we can do is learn how to not take things personally.

  • Lisa

    This is a great post. Over the years, in fact, I’ve searched for advice on this topic, but to no avail. It’s neat to come across this subject while surfing a site I enjoy. I think it’s very important to separate the wheat from the chaff in a piece of criticism–don’t reject the message simply because you feel put off by the messenger. I have a very thin skin, and it’s grown thicker only through cycles of pain, overreaction, and reflection.

    In discussions about politics with my husband, whom I love so much yet whose political stance is the opposite of mine, I’ve learned an important lesson. When we disagree with someone about a topic (e.g., whether or not the criticism of you was appropriate), focus on the values or goals of each party. Most likely, we’re all trying to reach the same destination: improving the status quo. There’s common ground in our intentions, if not in our opinions on how, exactly, to achieve success.

  • http://www.theofficediet.com Ali from The Office Diet

    This was a great article for me to read, Peter — thank you. I too tend to be a sensitive person and, whilst I’ve become much better at taking criticism over the years, it can still make me feel tense and anxious at times.

    Like Heather, who commented above, I find it helps to separate critism of ME from criticism of my work. I do a lot of creative writing and go out of my way to ask for people to critique it — and even harsh feedback here never offends or upsets me. I’m wondering if I could try to “toughen up” my response in other areas (primarily work and personal life) in a similar — it would be great to read a follow-up article on you about how to do that!

    Best,

    Ali

    • Kiah Jogal

       its indeed a great post … i have never cum across cristism .. untill i got married. My husband is supercritic.. in evry act that is performed by me or infact from his own family, he has his own way of doing the same act, & he criticizes the person in front of him.
      his this natures hurts me a lot, infact i feel he tries to proove himself to be superior from me.
      i am sentive frm within and his comments bother me coz he matters to me.. if it was sum XYZ person i wud have bashed my words on his face dat never in his life he wud had turned to me.. i am harsh & sharp as well.
      One biggest imp thing is ” one shud nver bottle up these things” it wil cause disaster one day

  • Alana

    This is a subject I really needed to face. I am terrible in the face of any sort of criticism. I get paralyzed and often want to abandon what I’m doing just to avoid any further criticism.

    Here are some examples: I took a creative writing class last semester and I thought the group critiques would give me a thicker skin but as it turns out I never want to write fiction again. Sometimes even when I get an A on a paper I will avoid looking through the pages and seeing all the scratch marks the teacher has made.

    I agree with the others who have suggested a follow-up article on how to “toughen up” and how exactly to build self esteem. I’d certainly like to read it.

  • http://opentodifference.com Jason Simon

    An attitude of openness towards difference suggests the need for dialogue with people who share similar and very different points-of-view. These different points-of-view can be critical and challenge one’s way of looking at the world. A willingness to learn or at least accept where others are coming from is key.

    • perservering

      How come therapists do not simply lay out personality types to help couples better understand each other? It has been a long ordeal with my husband who feels controlled with almost anything I say, and finally i am turning to internet chat to see that it is really two different personalities focusing on negative traits rather than positive. Unfortunately he gets the short stick since he is a sensitive type who has become sad. I don’t want to suggest whatever mindfulness meditation or other things he might try not to feel sad and anxietal because he could intrepret it as me controlling him. Any ideas?

  • Pingback: Cure Your Fear To Get The Most Out of Life! | My Super-Charged Life

  • Pingback: Simple Tricks To Help You And Your Kids Find Friends | Self Help Station

  • Pingback: 10 Steps to Active Learning « TheUniversityBlog

  • VK

    I have always suffered (being the operative word) from sensitivity from critism. When I was in Kindergarten my mother would correct my papers every day with me when I got home. Usually they were 90% or above but it hurt me so much to have her critisize my work that I kept a stack of 100% papers to give to my mom so I wouldn’t have to bare the review.

    Although I now have a master’s degree and am working full-time in my profession, not much has changed. I am plagued by my reaction to critisms. No matter how small, I become upset for hours, some times days, and have trouble sleeping if I am correctly critisized for having handled something in what is considered the wrong way at work. I am looking for another job because my boss critisizes me, even though I don’t have any official memos, and have just passed my initial probationary period. I do my best to do the right thing and I have trouble sleeping and enjoying my life because of my extreme reaction to critism.

    Does anyone have advise for me.

    • Vinnie

      I feel really sorry for you! Your mother definitely failed you there in your upbringing. Messed this one up real good. I hope you are able to grow and see beyond that as you get help from knowledged sources. I AM happy that you have done well in life as far as education and work goes though! :) All the best to you! Regards.

  • Maya

    Hi great posts but i was just wondering if anyone has come across recent phenomenon of how to interpret comments made via emails – a. often a multitude of people are cc into it b. there is no face to face /way of picking up on non verbal posturing etc
    thank you

  • http://www.joyful-work-for-sensitive-people.com/ Erika Harris

    Peter,

    I loved this article (and can’t wait to check out your blog and e-book). Sensitivity is such an important topic to me, I’ve created a website dedicated entirely to it:

    http://www.joyful-work-for-sensitive-people.com/

    Shine On,
    Erika

  • Pingback: Asertividad. Cuando digo no, me siento culpable

  • Pingback: Confidence Building Exercises to Sweat Out Your Moping Self | Building Self Confidence | Confidence Tips | Build Self Esteem

  • Fiona

    I’m glad I came across this. It feels really good knowing you’re not the only person experiencing over-sensitivity to others criticisms of you. Certain people I can take criticism from. But that’s very few. It’s annoying how much I actually care what others think cos I know I shouldn’t but I do. When I do get a critical comment I google it which is how I came across this. I don’t want to be doing this. I want to be able to be who I am and not care what others think. But at the moment it’s a work in progress. I’m working on developing a ‘thicker skin’.

  • http://www.mypromdresses.co.uk/ prom gowns

    it’s very useful for me!

  • Emily

    Why do sensitive people tend to be very insensitive to other people? I have a co-worker in his 50s, who is extremely sensitive in that if I refer to something slightly related to the work he is working on.. he will react. I always try to be nicer to him due to his sensitivity. But not the same way he treats me.
    He would report things to my boss and other people about me and sometimes try to make it difficult for me to work.
    I would say I am sensitive, but not extremely sensitive. Most things I don’t care even his criticisms towards me and reporting things to my boss.

    But just don’t understand why an extremely sensitive person could be very insensitive to other people. I thought being extremely sensitive, you would be sensitive to other people’s feelings and try to help other people.
    Anyways… just think it’s weird.
    Maybe sometimes being sensitive is all about just protecting your own self and not caring about other people around you. Is this just being selfish?

  • Carol

    i too would like to know how to toughen up. The thing is in my case I think I am my worst critique.

  • Namumbya Justin Ntule

    Thank you for this article.I think you are gave a real solution to me. Sometimes i feel am overly sensitive. May be it is because of what i encountered as a child.

    Namumbya Justin Ntule

  • Namumbya Justin Ntule

    Thank you for this article.I think you gave a real solution to me. Sometimes i feel am overly sensitive. May be it is because of what i encountered as a child.

    Namumbya Justin Ntule

  • Dana

    I have problems with being criticized a lot. I am white and my boyfriend is Hispanic. We have been dating for about 3 years now and get along great; we plan to marry someday. The problem is with his family. I am very reserved, and so is my family. His family is open, touchy, argumentative, and generally makes me uncomfortable.
    They constantly criticize me (both in front of me in Spanish, which I can speak more than they know, and behind my back) for being “cold” and “aloof”. It really hurts, because I have genuinely tried to be more open, even hugging them (which my family never does with each other).
    I have told them many times that I am trying to be friendly, but they never believe me. I am simply uncomfortable with people shouting around me and always trying to touch me.
    What can I do? The criticism is starting to get to me and my boyfriend and I have been having lots of fights lately about it.

    • Quelita

      Hi Dana! Try not to see them too much. The more you  see them the more
      uncomfortable you get. My husband’s family was always talking bad about
      me when they lived close to me but when they left , I felt I could breathe again.
      If you and your boyfriend decide to move to another city or state that would
      help a lot with the constant friction you are having with them.

  • Lachlan

    Great article.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kyle-Hill/100002287265436 Kyle Hill

    Thank you.  I am always criticised or patronized by people and if I do achive something they act shocked that I did it.    :(   

    I have come to the conclusion that their are multiple timelines and in each timeline 3/4ths of the people will always find faults with you and you have to find the rest of the people who truly matter.   

    I have felt the vibrations many times when the future is edited as if higher beings are pulling strings to test me.     

     I find it unfair and I plan to get them in BIG and I mean B-I-G trouble one way or another before I am done for as the world does its damn best to make me ignorant.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kyle-Hill/100002287265436 Kyle Hill

     This world is for sure survival of the fittest.

  • Chloe

    Ok, so I have been with my boyfriend for just over two months. We split up after a year because I lived away in uni and the distance seemed difficult at the time. Sincw we have been back together things have improved a lot, and we are getting to knoe each other more and how to handle certain situations and are realising that not all things are worth an argument, so we tend to leave things go. But the one thing that continuosly upsets me is his lack of ability to say anything nice to me, compliment me etc instead he spends most of the time we are togther critisizing me, putting me down, mocking, me. When i address the fact that im upset he says ‘its tongue in cheek, sorry, lighten up’.He says he is a very insecure person which is why he uses ‘wit’ for affect. He also says hes like it with everyone so don’t take it personal. I am his first gf, so he is still learning. Although i can;t keep using this as an excuse. We have very different upbringings, himself and family are accountantss etc, whereas my family are not so restricted and don’t exactly alwasy meet eye to eye. Therefore he will mock my opinions, beliefs, the way I act or dress innapproriately etc. This makes me feel inferior. He is scared of commitment and he don’t ever say he .loves me. I have currently come to the conclusion that I love him but don;t alwasy like him as a person, and he don;t love me but likes me as a person. He said to me recently…’you’d be the perfect woman if you just listened to me’. Thats the problem, if he don;t love me for my faults and wants to mould me into what he sees as acceptable as such then where do I go from here? He always says ‘I like you and don;t want to split up with you’ if i put thsi to him. This isn’t enough for me….So what now? Do i take these critisisms wrongly? Do i walk away and find someone who does love me for me? Help pleasee :)

    • Hellolisa123

      Walk away.  He’s not worth it.  You and all women deserve someone that is not putting you down all the time.   How can you have a healthy relationship like that?

  • Kylehoyt70

    Thank you for writing this. Currently i have been depressed because I’m not particularly talented at anything (at least i think so) i often dwell on my actions or events where i have been criticized for hours. Now I’m just going to try to go with the approach that the person is always right and try to accept there form of criticism as something positive even if it wasn’t meant to be and maybe accept that i am doing something awkward or wrong and try to improve because in the end i just want to make the people in my life happier. Hopefully i can try to force myself to look at everything in a positive light and grow more as a person. I sincerely appreaciate the time spent on this article because I  believe many people have this problem and accepting that you mess up sometimes is the first step to leading a happier life.

    • DanaDash

      I hope that you get to see this. I do not think your approach of  “the person [criticizing you] is always right…[because] I just want to make the people in my life happier,” is a healthy one.

      You are born and die alone…most likely. So it’s important to make sure that You are happy. You cannot do that if you allow all criticism to “shape” You. This wont work because these changes aren’t necessarily things You want for yourself. They are things other people (who didn’t come into this place called Earth and who probably wont leave with you) want.

      Obviously I too have issues with accepting criticism, but I hope that you understand that You are okay just the way you are. Though there are …lots (I dont know the number) of people in this world, everyone will not like you. And that’s okay! This is true for everyone. Think of the last time you didnt feel depressed, look at the events that caused the depression and try to get back to that person who was more sure of themself.

      On the drive to work today I thought to myself… advice (and criticism) can sometimes cloud our judgment. It allows people to get into our heads and these comments mute out our own inner voices, wants, and intuitions. So in essence, advice sort of causes us to trust ourselves less. This isn’t good. That self trust is self-esteem. We must realize that we are okay. As the author said, don’t take things personally. But I too wonder about the thin line between having headstrong self-esteem and being too stubborn when good (o_O)  criticism comes my way.

      But please don’t try to please EVERYONE else, it will only make you feel further from yourself (and the solution) than ever before.

  • Write2anumsaeed

     i just say one word after reading this article… SUPERB

  • Write2anumsaeed

     i just say one word after reading this article… SUPERB

  • Serendipitous87

    Nice one.  I loved this:
    “Remember, criticism is usually inevitable. And it may just be an indication that you have taken a risk and chosen to tackle something which is a challenge to you.”

  • Riri

    This article has somewhat helped me get a grasp on my sensitivity. I just get emotionally hurt whenever someone-even my friends- criticize me on how I look, how I do things or even how I run! (And I must say, I run perfectly normal!) Even though they may or mayn’t mean those things, I know I can’t take it to heart now that I’ve read this article. 

  • Lalaine16

    thanks this site!!!!

  • Justinfh2

    ”
     don’t change the way you act or the things you say simply to avoid criticism. ”  That is the best piece of advice in this article.

  • ItsAGiftNotACurse123

    Also You have to think, ” ya that person just completely insulted me but at least it’s an insult that’s ruining my day, something that can be forgotten. In reality there is many people who are depressed over a loved ones death, a divorce, a diagnosis with cancer or a killing disease, depression and ect. So why waste life being upset about one little insult when you could be dieing wishing you never wasted your life over some foolish comment. OVERALL! be thankful that you just have an insult that might keep you awake for maybe 1 week and that’s it!

  • Killerdove

    You just managed to make my day a little better

  • Sandaniederer

    This article of information was excellent. A ” tough love” approach, yet done lightly enough to keep me reading! Awesome…thank you

  • Veronika Khar

    Im planing to start a Critisism unleashed group. Its like a type of acting class.
    To practice our behavior/response, when we are  criticized so we wont get high jacked by our emotions and burst out words we regret later. What do you think?