Has this ever happened to you?
You’re happily going about your day when, out of nowhere, someone criticizes something you say or do. Suddenly you lose focus and can’t stop thinking about what they said or wrote. You know you shouldn’t be bothered, but knowing doesn’t help you stop thinking about it over and over and over.
In the past I have spent hours, days even, thinking about even the smallest of critical comments. It still happens to me every so often, but for the most part I have learned how to effectively handle it. I guess you could say I am a sensitive person, and truth be told I don’t think there is anything wrong with this for the most part. However, being sensitive to criticism is a major problem if it causes you to lose focus on important tasks or makes you stop acting in a certain manner due to fear of being criticized.
Since putting myself “out there”, in particular with my blogging, I have had to implement a number of strategies for dealing with criticism. And for the most part these strategies have worked well. That is not to say I don’t still feel the sting of criticism, but for the most part I don’t let it hijack my thoughts or stop me from acting in my normal manner.
Understanding Criticism
To effectively deal with criticism, it is important to first understand that there are different types of, and reasons for, critical comments.
It is not always about you. The truth is, there are some angry, jealous and insecure people in the world who are critical because… well…. that’s just the way they are. That’s not to say that sometimes they are not critical for good reasons, but other times it is just a case of you being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
It is inevitable. Recently I read how Drew Barrymore was criticized by some people after donating $1,000,000 to charity. To me, this just shows that when it comes to how we act or what we say often we are caught in a Catch 22. That is, we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t.
It may be justified. We each have our imperfections, and this means that sometimes we do something wrong or say something stupid. When this happens, any criticism we receive may be well justified.
How to Handle Criticism
We now know that not all criticism is the same. The key is to be aware of what type of criticism you are receiving and then act accordingly. The following are some strategies that I find to be effective:
Don’t take it personally. As I mentioned earlier, sometimes criticism has very little to do with you and a lot to do with the other person’s own insecurities, anger or unique way of seeing the world. If someone makes a nasty personal attack on you, there is a good chance that it is actually them that has the problem. At the other end of the spectrum, if someone criticizes you in a constructive manner don’t let your own pride get in the way of hearing what they have to say.
Learn. Sometimes there is good reason for people to be critical of what we say or do. So if you are criticized for whatever reason, try to be open-minded about it. Perhaps even welcome it by expressing gratitude to your critic. It may not be nice to hear criticism, but such feedback is often a part of the learning process and can provide us with valuable insights into how we can improve and grow as a person.
Toughen up. As I said before, I don’t necessarily think it is bad to be sensitive. But if criticism regularly hijacks your thoughts, it could be time to toughen up and grow a thicker skin. In my opinion, the best way to do this is with an inside-out approach. By this I mean don’t just pretend to be tougher. Instead, take the time to work on your self-esteem so that you hold greater confidence in your abilities and ideas.
Be assertive. If you feel that the criticism you receive is unjustified, I suggest you respond courteously, but assertively. This may be difficult, particularly if the other person is your senior. But it is generally not a good idea to “bottle up” your feelings as this is what can leave you dwelling on criticism for hours or even days.
Do it anyway. Perhaps the most important point in this article is: don’t change the way you act or the things you say simply to avoid criticism. Remember, criticism is usually inevitable. And it may just be an indication that you have taken a risk and chosen to tackle something which is a challenge to you.
Photo by SeraphimC.
Peter writes about how to enjoy life at The Change Blog. If you enjoyed this article, you may wish to download his free e-book, A Year of Change.
Good first start tips, however, I think one needs to go beyond this.
When you’re being criticized, start to notice how you’re feeling and also your outward reaction. Some people might feel shame, embarrassment, anger, disappointment but display a different emotion.
I know it’s a bit touchy-feely but until you can work on the root of the issue, it’ll be hard to change your reaction to the situation.
That’s a good point Marta. We are each different, and it is important to gain an awareness of our own personal feelings and reactions to criticism. As I said in the article, these strategies are what have worked for me. Hopefully they will also be of use to some readers
All good points Peter. I think a follow-up article might be good which talks about how to toughen up, and how ‘not to take it personally’. There are several tangible exercises people can do I bet…and would love to hear your thoughts!
Todd
don’t take this personally – please stop saying ‘for the most part’ so often! four times in two paragraps! i liked *what* you were saying, though
Thanks Bronwen. In the spirit of this article, I can assure you I won’t take it personally and will take it on board for the future.
Great post! It is nice to know that other people struggle with taking criticism too.
One aspect of not taking things personally that has helped me is to separate my view of work from my view of my person. Essentially, if someone criticizes my work (something I did) that doesn’t mean they intended to criticize me (something I am). For example, if someone criticizes something I wrote, then that artifact may in fact be flawed, but it doesn’t mean I am a bad writer.
Marta raises a great point. It isn’t the criticism that hurts, it’s our interpretation of it that stings. Too often we allow antiquated conditioned responses to determine how we respond to what others say.
Good stuff Peter!
This article really hit home with me today. I have been working on a huge project at work that has received a lot of praises and has been going very well, but here in the final phases of the project there has been a lot of “arm chair quarterbacking”. I do not consider my self all that sensitive when it comes to criticism but it has hit me hard the past few days. What is most aggravating to me is that the criticism, which fits into every one of your categories, does not help with the issues that are brought up. Most of the criticism is, “I would have done this that way”, “this should be here”, “Why didn’t you do it this way”, etc. I have no doubt that many of my ideas and solutions are not perfect, but it is hard to take when no other solutions or alternatives are being offered up and then you get seconded guessed.
http://www.JuiceofChampions.com
I love Dale Carnegie’s belief that “nobody ever kicks a dead dog.” By that he means oftentimes people criticize you because what you do incites some sort of jealousy in them. He also believes that unjust criticism is often a disguised compliment. Ultimately, the most important thing is to be happy with what you do as long as you know it’s right.
I feel encouraged by these tips, but I believe it can also happen that when you begin adopting to these new ways of combating criticism, one might be pushed back to old ways of “overreacting”, and find yourself defeated over again. One emphasis though is not take everything that’s been said or done to oneself personal, period. I believe that’s the basis of defeating these “pull downers”.
Peter:
I felt as if you wrote this just for me because while I’ve encountered a lot of rejection (as a Wall Street stockbroker in the 90s), I am still a sensitive guy.
As my blog continues to gain more exposure, every now and then I come into contact with some nasty, angry people that I have no business dealing with. But there they are.
Oftentimes they are looking to provoke you and start a verbal war. There are a couple ways I handle it:
1. If the email is a verbal assault on your character, full of accusations, I simply delete them, sometimes I’ll spam them out of existence. That kind of energy has no place in my world and I won’t allow it. They are people who cannot reason – they just attack for no reason and without respect. They don’t know how to disagree politely.
2. At times if I get a feeling a person is about to turn nasty (I have a heightened sixth sense), I will politely but firmly write back saying something to the effect of wishing them well but that it serves no purpose to go any further. Sometimes this would provoke an outright attack, often justifying my sixth sense.
99 percent of the time comments I receive on my blog are very supportive, loving and engaging with respect, honor and integrity. I believe that’s because I am that way myself – what goes around, comes around. However, the world of the Internet is like the Wild West and the more prominence you gain, the more you’re likely to come across those people who are looking for a fight for no reason. I’ve learned to ignore them but it still stings.
I think that’s a great point, that’s it’s not always about you. One of the best things we can do is learn how to not take things personally.
This is a great post. Over the years, in fact, I’ve searched for advice on this topic, but to no avail. It’s neat to come across this subject while surfing a site I enjoy. I think it’s very important to separate the wheat from the chaff in a piece of criticism–don’t reject the message simply because you feel put off by the messenger. I have a very thin skin, and it’s grown thicker only through cycles of pain, overreaction, and reflection.
In discussions about politics with my husband, whom I love so much yet whose political stance is the opposite of mine, I’ve learned an important lesson. When we disagree with someone about a topic (e.g., whether or not the criticism of you was appropriate), focus on the values or goals of each party. Most likely, we’re all trying to reach the same destination: improving the status quo. There’s common ground in our intentions, if not in our opinions on how, exactly, to achieve success.
This was a great article for me to read, Peter — thank you. I too tend to be a sensitive person and, whilst I’ve become much better at taking criticism over the years, it can still make me feel tense and anxious at times.
Like Heather, who commented above, I find it helps to separate critism of ME from criticism of my work. I do a lot of creative writing and go out of my way to ask for people to critique it — and even harsh feedback here never offends or upsets me. I’m wondering if I could try to “toughen up” my response in other areas (primarily work and personal life) in a similar — it would be great to read a follow-up article on you about how to do that!
Best,
Ali
This is a subject I really needed to face. I am terrible in the face of any sort of criticism. I get paralyzed and often want to abandon what I’m doing just to avoid any further criticism.
Here are some examples: I took a creative writing class last semester and I thought the group critiques would give me a thicker skin but as it turns out I never want to write fiction again. Sometimes even when I get an A on a paper I will avoid looking through the pages and seeing all the scratch marks the teacher has made.
I agree with the others who have suggested a follow-up article on how to “toughen up” and how exactly to build self esteem. I’d certainly like to read it.
An attitude of openness towards difference suggests the need for dialogue with people who share similar and very different points-of-view. These different points-of-view can be critical and challenge one’s way of looking at the world. A willingness to learn or at least accept where others are coming from is key.
How come therapists do not simply lay out personality types to help couples better understand each other? It has been a long ordeal with my husband who feels controlled with almost anything I say, and finally i am turning to internet chat to see that it is really two different personalities focusing on negative traits rather than positive. Unfortunately he gets the short stick since he is a sensitive type who has become sad. I don’t want to suggest whatever mindfulness meditation or other things he might try not to feel sad and anxietal because he could intrepret it as me controlling him. Any ideas?
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I have always suffered (being the operative word) from sensitivity from critism. When I was in Kindergarten my mother would correct my papers every day with me when I got home. Usually they were 90% or above but it hurt me so much to have her critisize my work that I kept a stack of 100% papers to give to my mom so I wouldn’t have to bare the review.
Although I now have a master’s degree and am working full-time in my profession, not much has changed. I am plagued by my reaction to critisms. No matter how small, I become upset for hours, some times days, and have trouble sleeping if I am correctly critisized for having handled something in what is considered the wrong way at work. I am looking for another job because my boss critisizes me, even though I don’t have any official memos, and have just passed my initial probationary period. I do my best to do the right thing and I have trouble sleeping and enjoying my life because of my extreme reaction to critism.
Does anyone have advise for me.
Hi great posts but i was just wondering if anyone has come across recent phenomenon of how to interpret comments made via emails – a. often a multitude of people are cc into it b. there is no face to face /way of picking up on non verbal posturing etc
thank you
Peter,
I loved this article (and can’t wait to check out your blog and e-book). Sensitivity is such an important topic to me, I’ve created a website dedicated entirely to it:
http://www.joyful-work-for-sensitive-people.com/
Shine On,
Erika
[...] Asertividad. Cuando digo no, me siento culpable”Lo más importante que aprendí a hacer después de los cuarenta años fue a decir no cuando es no.” Gabriel García MárquezPor Oscar Si no sabes decir no a lo mejor lo que voy a comentar te va a interesar. Por aclamación popular, en particular Senior Manager y David, tras Como encajar las críticas y Aprender a escuchar hoy toca un post sobre la asertividad. ¿Mande? ¿Cómo? ¿Qué no te suena de nada? ¿Qué no viene en el diccionario? Vale, vale comencemos por el principio, es uno de mis temas favoritos que no viene mal repasar de vez en cuando.Es lógico pensar que por el mero hecho de existir se nos planteen problemas, es igualmente lógico prever que seremos capaces de enfrentarnos eficazmente a esos problemas. A parte de nuestro parecido con el mono, unos más que otros también hay que decirlo, tenemos en común con los animales la lucha y la huida como modos de enfrentarnos a los problemas. Los mecanismos defensivos del tipo ira-agresión, miedo-huida y depresión-retirada no son de gran utilidad en nuestro mundo civilizado. Pocas veces resultan eficaces y raramente alivian. Lo que nos diferencia de los animales es nuestro gran cerebro, nos ofrece una tercera posibilidad para la resolución de problemas: la palabra.La interacción con los demás nos plantea problemas. Ante peticiones de otra persona solemos plantearnos lo siguiente: “Cuando digo “No” me siento culpable. pero si digo “Si” iré en contra mía”. Es aquí donde entra en juego la asertividad.¿Qué es la asertividad?”Comportamiento comunicacional maduro en el que la persona ni agrede ni se somete a la voluntad de otras personas, sino que expresa sus convicciones y defiende sus derechos.” Asertividad.WikipediaLa asertividad es por tanto, una habilidad social que reune las conductas y pensamientos que nos permiten defender los derechos de cada uno sin agredir ni ser agredido. Significa defender tus derechos, hacerte valer, decir no cuando es que no y no dejarte pisar.¿Para qué sirve la asertividad?1. Favorece la confianza en uno mismo y en nuestra forma de expresarnos.2. Genera bienestar emocional.3. Mejora la imagen social ya que promueve el respeto de los demás.4. Favorece las negociaciones.Derechos asertivos.Nuestros derechos asertivos constituyen una estructura básica para la sana participación de cada individuo en toda relación humana.1. Tenemos derecho a juzgar nuestro propio comportamiento, nuestros pensamientos y nuestras emociones, y a tomar la responsabilidad de su iniciación y sus consecuencias.2. Tenemos derecho a no dar razones o excusas para justificar nuestro comportamiento.3. Tenemos derecho a juzgar si nos incumbe la responsabilidad de encontrar soluciones para los problemas de otras personas.4. Tenemos derecho a cambiar de parecer.5. Tenemos derecho a cometer errores… y a ser responsable de ellos.6. Tenemos derecho a decir: “No lo sé”.7. Tenemos derecho a ser idependientes de la buena voluntad de los demás antes de enfrentarnos con ellos.8. Tenemos derecho a tomar decisiones ajenas a la lógica.9. Tenemos derecho a decir: “No lo entiendo”.10.Tenemos derecho a decir: “No me importa”.Técnicas para ser más asertivo.1. Disco rayado. Uno de los aspectos más importantes de ser asertivos consiste en ser persistentes y en repetir una y otra vez lo que queremos, si enojarnos, irritarnos ni levantar la voz.2. La autorrevelación. Revelar información acerca de nosotros mismos; cómo pensamos, sentimos y reaccionamos ante lo que nuestro interlocutor nos dice, permite que la comunicación social fluya en ambas direcciones.3. Banco de niebla. Podemos lanzar un objeto a través de la niebla sin que ello le afecte. De igual forma si te critican no niegues la crítica y no contrataques con otra crítica. Al no ofrecer resistencia la otra personas desistirá.4. Interrogación negativa. “No comprendo. ¿Qué hay de malo en…?” Este tipo de preguntas hacen establecer un diálogo que nos lleve al fondo de la cuestión. Permiten dar una respuesta no defensiva y buscar la verdadera causa que hace a la otra persona criticarnos.5. Aserción negativa. “Es cierto. No estuve muy acertado.”. Para modificar nuestra creencia de que los errores son malos basta con aceptarlos como tales: los errores son errores y nada más que errores.¿Sabés decir no? ¿Eres asertivo? ¿Quieres aportar algo? Comparte tus pensamientos en El Inconformista.Más información sobre asertividad: Cuando digo no, me siento culpable. (Manuel J. Smith).lunes 19 de mayo de 2008. Publicado por Oscar en 18:00………………………….Fuente: El Inconformista Algunos artículos relacionados:- William Ury – El Poder de un NO Positivo – No sabe como decirlo?… Aprenda a ser Asertivo – ¿Qué significa ser más asertivo? – Mitos de la comunicación asertiva – Comunicación no verbal. La importancia de los gestos – Los roles comunicacionales del líder – Describe tu proyecto en menos de 47 segundos – Claves para persuadir a los compradores – David de Ugarte: Como se hace un discurso persuasivo – Ricardo Román: Comunicar no es informar… comunicar es coordinar – Análisis Transaccional: Conozca sus formas de comportamiento – Claves para enfrentar a la gente tóxica – Procrastinación y procrastinadores: Causas y efectos – Las actitudes personales que conducen al exito – Como encajar las críticas – The Sensitive Person’s Guide to Handling Criticism [...]
[...] is not saying that these methods will be really easy, but there are ways that you can regain your self esteem after some practice. You do not need to simply turn your life around, but it is a gradual process [...]