self improvement

Suffering Comes From YOUR Perception (Yep, it’s your fault!)

Which one of these statements do you believe in?

“An eye for an eye” or “Live and let live”?

No matter how you answered, your response was based on your belief system. Yet, if I asked 20 people, they wouldn’t all answer the same because they have different beliefs and filters through which they see things.

Your biggest source of pain comes from not seeing how limiting your beliefs can be. Believing what you feel to be based on “facts,” is a lie.  What you feel is based on your perception of the facts.

Suffering never comes from the facts themselves, it comes from your perception of the facts; it’s the meaning you place on what YOU are processing in that moment.

Your brain receives data from your five senses. Your mind then process the data and applies meaning based on your belief system, which you’ve spent years building (though probably not intentionally).  This belief system is what I refer to when I use the word “filter.” Your mind uses these ego-created filters to create your perception of the world — creating your reality; they’re unique to you and part of your personality.

The first step in thinking outrageously starts with being aware of your unique filter.

Remember, the main thing that makes up YOUR reality is YOUR perception. How you feel about your reality is your own doing.


Trying to convince someone they didn’t see hear or feel what they believe they did is about as effective as holding a horse’s head under water to make it drink.  When you believe this one thing to be true, you will feel outrageous!

No one can make you think, feel, or see anything; you’re the one inflicting pain upon yourself as this story will illuminate….


Two college girls were best friends and ate together every Friday night, without fail.  However, one weekend, Sally told Jen she wasn’t feeling well and wanted to skip dinner. Thinking nothing of it Jen said “no big” and later that night, decided to just grab some carryout from their favorite place.

When she got there, Jen was shocked to see Sally eating dinner with another girl – she couldn’t believe her eyes. Anxious to get out of there before Sally saw her, with tears burning in her eyes, she practically ran out of the restaurant.

All weekend, Jennifer kept playing the scene over and over, filled with betrayal and hurt. Finally, she came to the conclusion Sally had outgrown the friendship. Devastated, Jennifer barely slept all weekend, thinking how she would confront Sally on Monday and wondering what would happen to their friendship.

Monday came, but before Jen could bring it up, Sally told her that her sister who lived in Europe surprised her Friday night on her layover back to London. She lamented that she was so happy to see her sister, but so sick, she didn’t enjoy it.

Can you imagine Jennifer’s relief?  Can you also see how she suffered needlessly?

When she saw Sally on Friday, Jen didn’t just process the facts, she placed meaning on them, seeing rejection and potential abandonment.  Once the facts were made clear to Jen, she then placed NEW meaning on the situation which made her feel better.

The outrageous part is that SHE controlled the meaning the entire time! And… So. Do. You.

How many times have you jumped to the wrong conclusion?  How many hours, days, or years have you suffered?

When you waste time believing your own BS, you diminish your power.


Every point in your life is a chance for growth – find the growth from all your emotions, even if it’s painful.  Accept the emotion without judgment. Just by being aware of how you’re feeling, your resistance will fade and your pain will recede.

By realizing the other person who “hurt” you (even if it felt like a more direct attack) is just caught up in their story, you reduce the emotional charge you have to their actions.  If you really start thinking outrageously, you will also see how they served you by helping you with an important life lesson. Sometimes your biggest growth comes from situations in where someone you love forces you to face something within which you’re avoiding.

With awareness, gratitude will come because you know the truth.  You control how much you let the “facts” control you. Gratitude comes when you realize you have the power to feel any way you want to; in gratitude there can be no fear and you will feel free. (It’s outrageous when start to see this!)

The next time you find yourself angry or hurt by someone else’s actions, consider the following questions. For fun, take YOU out of the equation; don’t make it about you, and put their shoes on.


1. What could they have been seeing in the situation from their perspective?

2. Could their behavior be coming from a place where someone told them they weren’t good enough when they were a child?

3. Can you see or feel the hurt child in them? Are they just seeking love, no matter if you agree with your tactics?

4. What if the other person was your child, what meaning would you tell your child to put on the hurt?

5. And most importantly, what did you learn from the experience?

6. Did you reinforce a limiting belief, feeding your story, keeping you from growth?

Think about it…outrageously of course.

This post is part of our new 30 Days To Outrageous Thinking – it’s sponsored by PickTheBrain and created by the co-creator of the 90 Days Confidence Booster, Lori Taylor.
If you’re tired of wasting time trying to change YOU and all the people in your life, join us on our journey by signing up and we’ll be happy to include you. Lori’s style is very direct and unique – we can promise you it’s unlike anything you’ve ever tried!

111 Responses to Suffering Comes From YOUR Perception (Yep, it’s your fault!)

  1. Sean says:

    This was a really good read :)

    I typically enjoyed the little story of the two girls. I think we can all relate to that in one way or another. And I know we’ve all suffered when we never really had to in the first place.

    Everything’s a learning experience in this life, it’s what makes it fun! Especially if you get good at doing what you said, stop believing in your own BS!

    Thanks for this article!

  2. NaaM says:

    Nice post!!! make me remember it..yes..many time I judge person by what I see without ask from them (when I young) and make me suffering in my mind and after that I know it not wrong same I make me had waste time for make me headache.
    We must ask if we want to know..why you do like this right?
    hahaha..Thank you for your article :))

  3. Sally says:

    That was an amazing article.. This is exactly what my problem is (the story of two girls) except the other ‘girl’ is my bf! and I feel I jump on these ‘conclusions’ because he has hurt me by cheating on me before. So may be sometimes you have a reason to jump to the conclusions? Jennifer’s jumping to conclusions would make more sense if she had had friends ditch her like this before.

  4. willy says:

    AHH THE TRUTH…First off Hi Lori, So… whos to say what the truth is when the truth is based on outside influences that you believe to be true because thats what your comfortable believing in.
    The problem is when you realize(or attain) this path of thinking it can be hard believing in anything or anyone much less yourself.
    Don’t get me wrong, I don’t disagree with you because people need something to believe in. Its just not as easy as words on a page (good starting point though). My personal belief is that people should stop THINKING about searching for the truth and just “live and let live”
    Hows that for blue collar bantor? take care

  5. Lois says:

    Typo in line number two of this article. Are there any places that proof read anymore?

  6. Lois says:

    I have read this same theme many, many times. I am all for coldly calculating the facts prior to reacting, but it does not work that way. I do have a personal goal of taking nothing personally, but I often lose sight of this goal when I am hurt or afraid or consumed with frustration.
    All of this is wonderful to contemplate but another source of misery when we fail to change our attitude.

  7. Lucas says:

    Hey Lori :), now this is an amazing story! I very much enjoyed it!!

  8. lori taylor says:

    Lois – I totally agree. Sometimes believing what you should do- turning on the light bulb – makes you see your own “show” more and it can be frustrating to know you simply “can’t help yourself”. But you know what? If you know it’s in your control – you feel how you are feeling because of YOU – then it takes the sting away. The more determined you are to be “aware” the better you get at this process. The fact you are “aware” you are afraid or frustrated it OUTRAGEOUS! Most people just “blame” the other person and accept NO ownership of their part in the “drama”. So don’t misunderstand – it’s not about logically seeing it – it’s about KNOWING in your soul someone is causing friction to teach YOU something. Nothing for you to teach them. Only for you to pay attention how many times you feel the way you do. And then sit with that. I think you are doing it just perfectly right now. You are AWAKE. Congrats!

  9. lori taylor says:

    Lucas- thank you so much for your feed back – I’m glad the story helped. It really helped me see my perception of the situation was causing more pain than anything else. I hope you have an outrageous week – and thank YOU for playing full out – taking the time to high five me – you are OUTRAGEOUS! Own it – all week.

  10. lori taylor says:

    Lois – fair enough. Unfortunately in word press they don’t have a good spell check and when you cut and paste the post from word it will make the formatting crazy. Thank you for taking the time to carefully read the post and I’ll correct the mistakes. I apologize. :)

  11. lori taylor says:

    Willy – I love blue collar banter and people who make me think! I agree with your point. The “truth” is an illusion. It’s based on your filters and your perception. Part of thinking outrageously is knowing simply that. Just accept even if the “truth” makes you feel better – just accepting it for what it is can bring you joy. Being aware of how you are feeling no matter what picture is painted via your mind or others is the first step to breaking free of the matrix and staying true to YOU inside. Feeling ANYTHING is good – being aware is outrageous – then you are a participant – not just an observer. We are here simply to experience – there is no good and bad – any adjective for anything comes from a belief system. Great point!

  12. lori taylor says:

    Sally love this response. So many people are caught in this trap of bringing the same relationships or situation in different dresses, you know? When that happens and you are aware of the pattern. Go be with YOU. What in you needs to shift to bring better relationships to you? Right? You are worthy of the best relationship out there – but it starts with YOU. Finding love for you will allow you to see others differently but more importantly you raise your frequency in which you vibrate and you will attract either better people or the better parts of people? My sister hated hearing this. She felt like I was saying it was her fault and for some reason she was more comfortable to believe someone or something was dealing her the “bad” cards. Which was insane! I’d prefer to believe I AM in control of my life and by getting integrated with the higher part of my – my soul – I could see past my beliefs and value systems and KNOW what I wanted and what would best serve me. It’s not the crazy 8 of trying to get love from someone else – because most people don’t love themselves, so how could they ever really love you? By loving YOU, you will bring others who are in the same vibration of self love. AND in some case you take the invisible burden off the other person who you “need” to be different. See them for the pain they are working from – find empathy for how they struggle and then be who you are.

  13. lori taylor says:

    Naam – you are outrageous and I LOVE the way you think. Headaches be gone! Be your own Tylenol. :)

  14. lori taylor says:

    Sean – yay! You GET it. When you see everything as a learning opportunity to be happier inside and connect with true joy you’re operating from your higher mind connected to your soul. Congrats – rejoice – you are outrageous!

  15. cindy platt says:

    The anecdote was perfect. This part was the “What’s in it for me.”
    “The first step in thinking outrageously starts with being aware of your unique filter.
    Remember, the main thing that makes up YOUR reality is YOUR perception. How you feel about your reality is your own doing.”
    Love your style!

  16. sangita says:

    Lori…I want to learn up this article by heart! Its so good. I think..I have met u at the right time.

  17. sunil says:

    That was an amazing article.. This is exactly what my problem

  18. Jerry says:

    I must say that when I stumbled upon this little ole site that I didn’t expect to have it change my thinking and how I deal with problems in my life. This article though has helped more than most because after examining why I’m upset most of the time I realized that I don’t remove “me” from the equation. Once I started doing that it led me towards analyzing the situation with a more positive frame of mind and energy. Soon I realized that I wasn’t carrying the negativity of the event and most of all someone else’s problems with me the rest of the day. Thank you for beginning with me a change for the better; one that involves a healthy mindset in the pursuit of my own true balance.

  19. lori taylor says:

    I’m so glad you feel that way Sangita – hope you are coming on Friday to the teleseminar

  20. lori taylor says:

    Sunil -Thank you for your kind words – it’s so amazing when people can just find awareness. It’s like waking up in the morning – a little shocking at first but once you get in the shower and get the blood pumping it beats laying alone in bed, right? Have an outrageous weekend!

  21. lori taylor says:

    Jery – wow you made my night!! Your honesty is refreshing and you warmed my heart with your words. Thank you for that. I am grateful for you. I”m SO glad you got an outrageous surprise. It’s like renting a movie you’ve never heard of and LOVING it – welcome to the rest of your life – you only have to carry around your own “stuff” – and even that you can put down! I hope to show you how…

  22. E. says:

    What if you learn that your friend indeed ditched you?

  23. Angila VCal says:

    This is a great piece of advice. If you try to react to something too fast you are bound to jump to a conclusion that is not always right. Taking the time to figure out the situation at hand before reacting as done me good in many situations.

  24. Man do I agree with Willy. As someone who has followed this path for 18 years along with my Christian faith (praise God) for 14 I can tell you that existential despair is a real possibility. What helped me was to realise that Truth really does exist, and what most people call truth is actually just their opinion. They call it ‘my truth’ to dress it up but not every opinion is worth the air its breathed into. A person may have ‘their truth’ but it doesn’t mean it’s true. If they insist it is then they’re just unaware of how the mind and body works to make everything you believe seem true.
    I did enjoy the article. I would like to make the point that there is genuine suffering in the world and reframing won’t always make it better. However, we do often make ourselves suffer (I do this) by buying into my stuff about other people too much. Thanks Lori.

  25. Tanya says:

    Hey Lori

    I agree with your article, it is very true. when i was told for the first time that people can only hurt or offend me if I allow them to, I was shocked. I mean hello, what was their problem, didn’t they just say that with the full intention of hurting me? but then I thought about it… yes we are often the product of our exposure, and yes there are certain things in life that cause us to build defense mechanisms and through this we often react to what we hear or see. but the truth is simply that it can only hurt or offend us if we allow it to, things are not always as we see them, we can sometimes put our selves through such unnecessary turmoil through our own insecurities…

  26. jojo says:

    I agree with you Sally. I relate to the story of the 2 girls also and I feel it’s because every relationship I’ve had, I’ve been cheated on, so when I see what COULD be a dishonest action, I believe it is until I’m PROVEN wrong.

  27. Sam says:

    I once shared an office with someone always seemed to be in a good mood and even when people were incredibly rude to her she didn’t appear to get upset. When I asked her what her secret was she told me that she knew she couldn’t change other people so she just changed her attitude towards them. Reading this article just reminded me about that. From now on if anyone upsets me I will tell myself that I am consciously choosing my response. It’s worth a try…

  28. Adposting says:

    This was a an amazing article, the adivce you have introduced in good

  29. Ed says:

    Great Job Lori. You can’t say it any clearer than that. We all love to hear the truth.
    As the Dalai Lama says “Immediate action” should follow “critical thinking”. I hope all
    your readers will sense their reluctance to “take action” and reach out for help. Thanks again

  30. Pingback: Suffer If You Want. It's Your Fault Anyway | Social Media Consultant

  31. aishwarya says:

    when is ur birth day? u r nice…

  32. aishwarya says:

    when is ur birth day? u r nice..

  33. emily says:

    Today I received my first e-mail from PTB–I was skeptical to sign up & figured I would have a box full of junk to come… what an amazing surprise! It was like a letter from an old friend that know just how I think & feel! The story, the advice–better than any counseling session! Thank you Lori. <3

  34. Quallo Nirro says:


    I like every mail of your pretty much. I thought I will be tricked somehow into multiple payments, but I somehow realise this is the matter of something more a fraud can bring.

  35. Julianna says:

    I’m very happy to have found and read this article! Like you said “welcome to the rest of your life”!

    I’m aware of how our realities are shaped by our perceptions of the world. But you clarified the so much more that “when you believe in your own bullshit, you diminish your power”, or you diminishes your own happiness!

    And yes I agree completely that when you change your attitude, you attract either better people or the better parts of people!

    My goal from now on will be to consciously CHOOSE my reactions to a certain event or person. Although easier said than done, but it can be done!

  36. Keith Cook says:

    Hello Lori. Wow, I really love what you do. This article uncovered some areas in my life that still have not healed due to the negative energy I’m holding onto about a situation. I want to thank you for reminding me to look outside the box and see things from the other side to allow understanding to continue to flow. There is abundant love and awareness is your actions Lori. I am truly grateful having met you. Thank you again.

  37. lori says:

    ok weird – I replied and the comment isn’t showing up – oky doky then.

    My answer to your great question is this…

    What IF your friend ditched you?

    Your friend ditched you.

    That’s it.

    It’s your perception that is making it more than someone didn’t want to hang out with you.

    Why do they have to be wrong or why do you have to be wrong? Why do we search so desperately externally for self worth?

    At the end of the day – you are a beautiful person. Some people will see that, others won’t. Most can’t see the beauty in others because they can’t see it in themselves.

    But even that doesn’t matter.

    It is what it is.

    You didn’t get the girl (or the guy). You didn’t get the job. You didn’t get the hugs you wanted as a child.

    If you can see those things as just things that happened and not rely on your mind to apply meaning to someone else’s actions which it simply isn’t capable of accurately doing anyway – you will feel….

    Well you know what?

    Try it and tell me what you feel. And I don’t mean lying to yourself either.

    If you get ditched and your heart breaks or you beat yourself up all I would say to do is this…

    Be aware this is happening. Be aware you feel the need to make a story out of another person’s actions without knowing for a fact the filters they are wearing or the beliefs they have ingrained in their brains.

    Be aware of your limitations when you “perceive” something – and then comfort yourself with something like…

    “E. of course you feel ditched. Ever since you were 8 you’ve been telling yourself you weren’t good enough. And that’s ok. We’re working on this together. You are in the process of accepting that you’re worthy and until we get there things like this are just going to be a little tough. But you’re in the process of learning to love yourself so that’s a good thing!”

  38. lori says:

    July – I’m a Leo. Thanks for asking – it’s coming up! And thank you for your kind words – I am trying to give as much as you guys will receive.

  39. lori says:

    Thank you Ed. Sometimes the hardest help to ask for is the kind we really need, you know? I think some people have just decided “it” doesn’t work “for them” but that’s the mind/ego protecting it’s kingdom. Changing your perception of you can be the easiest thing to do when you want to. The key is “want to”.

  40. lori says:

    NO junk allowed! Unless of course you hate my writing – but then again that’s easy enough to fix, right? DELETE. LOL. Thank you for this awesome note! “letter from an old friend” that’s going to stick with me. Thank YOU Emily!

  41. lori says:

    Well Keith, I love you too. Thank you for these powerful and kind words – they matter very muc to me. I’m so glad you are making progress and can feel the love in my actions – you know why?

    Because that means your frequency is on the right channel!

    Glad to help and look forward to this journey with you!

  42. Barbi says:

    Seriously, Lois? Oh, right, *live and let live*.

  43. Anonymous says:

    I wish I had got this advice when I was growing up :). Better late than never …

    I love the way you have put it.

  44. Suffering never comes from the facts themselves, it comes from your perception of the facts; it’s the meaning you place on what YOU are processing in that moment.

    This is an over simplification of the relationship between fact and perception! For instance,I am broke, I have flattened my trading account – that is a fact. The pain from that is not from my perception of the fact that I am broke, I am broke and my account is flat, whether I perceive it to be so or not! My perception does not change the fact that my account is flat and I can no longer trade – that is a fact! The evidence presented to me in my account is irrefutable!

    The story of the two girls is different. One perceived (wrongly) that the other had betrayed her. The facts did not support this perception, but the evidence lead, understandably, to the wrong conclusion.

  45. navita says:

    it was really an amazing article. i really inspired alot from dis. the story of girls realized me, that we take so many decisions without thinking jst bcose of are wrong preseption.

  46. lori says:

    Yep you got it – you can either choose to act or re-act – which do you think is more outrageously powerful? :)

  47. lori says:

    Tanya – thank you very much for this thoughtful response. Yes- my sister didn’t love this at first either – but then she got it. You can choose to be a victim in your life or you can choose to participate. For me – I learned long ago I can’t make anyone treat me better – they treat me how I let them and how they want to. I do realize sometimes the meaning I put on their actions is my own filter and isn’t always accurate. How I show gratitude and love is not the same way my husband does. So learning to accept others don’t have your script – and you aren’t the director for THEIR life – well I like knowing I’m in control of just how important I’ll let an action be to me. :)

  48. lori says:

    Like I tell everyone – if you aren’t happy with this program I’ll give you your money back! (wink – it’s free – giggle) Glad you are enjoying it.

  49. lori says:

    Love that – it’s outrageous!! I’m so glad you’re committed to holding space for you. You don’t make anyone wrong when you choose your actions. When you react it’s usually to try to and change someone else’s behavior or “win”, you know? Glad to be on your team – have a great weekend.

  50. lori says:

    Dr. Jerry – first of all I’m so very sorry about your trading account. And you bring up a most excellent point that actually supports what I’m trying to say.

    The fact is you are broke. But the MEANING you put to that is your perception.

    The fact is very simple, actually. You made trades that didn’t work out, risked your capital and now you have no money in your account.

    Where it gets complicated is when you make that bigger – to apply somehow as a definition of YOU.

    Do you feel stupid?

    Do you feel like someone screwed you over?

    Do you feel like you are being punished in some way?

    Do you think people won’t trust you in business because you made bad trades?

    I have NO idea WHAT meaning you put on it – but I believe from your exclamation points there is meaning. This is the part you control.

    You could be on one extreme and say “This is an opportunity. I can start a new trading strategy from ground zero. Or maybe trading isn’t for me and I need to move towards something more stable that matches up with a passion.”

    Or you could say, “I’m an idiot. My mom was right – I’ll never amount to anything – I have nothing – I will never have anything – it’s bad kharma and this is going to be a lifetime of pain.”

    Or something in the middle.

    But yes – the fact is you are broke. And yet I’m going to guess there is someone in your life, hopefully you, who sees that means nothing. You have a gift inside you – and sometimes hitting “rock bottom” financially forces you to take inventory of what’s important.

    When I meet people and hear their stories – I have to say – the best ones are the ones from rock bottom. Tony Robbins has been broke more than once, as has Donald Trump, Les Brown, Greg Reid and many others. And maybe you think, “Yeah well those guys are all celebs” or whatever…

    Well guess what – Tony Robbins was a fat kid and Les Brown was given up for adoption and lived through his teens with the nick name “DT” dumb twin. And he was a black poor man- so let’s not pretend the odds were on his side.

    So I’d throw it back in your court with this.

    You are broke – fact.

    You are [insert word] – perception (that’s your call)

    And you have an opportunity to start over. If you need any help, I happen to have Trade The Markets and Market Tamer founders as friends – google both and I’m sure I can get the CEO of either company to give you some help out of this mess for no charge.

    Thank you so much for the push back – I’m hoping others who may have had the same “perception” realize now what I’m trying to communicate.

  51. lori says:

    Thank you. Giggle. I hate seeing typos too – it’s so hard to catch them when you write it though! Arrgh.

    You’re outrageous friend.

  52. lori says:

    Ahhh – but you have it now right? “To know and not do is to not know” :)

    You can do this – seriously – put the other crap down. Just. Do. This.
    And when old patterns come in – say hello – smile – and then say to yourself “well – sometimes that’s just how “we” roll!”

    Do it for me – and then you’ll crack up – talking to yourself quoting me – try it.

    A new pattern – it’s outrageous!

  53. lori says:

    Yes – decisions can be reviewed and evaluated by the mind – but the ones made from the heart are usually the ones that serve us best. xo

  54. lori says:

    It’s worth more than a “try” – giggle – I always pick on that word.

    Not a solid word of action you know?

    But a start – yes.

    I think if you could see the rude, angry people around you as children who never healed – bullies to themselves and to others, and just find compassion for an unloved child who wasn’t taught any better, you’d feel better – don’t you?

    Think about it – because YOU were a child and that child is still in there – when someone is rude it must be your fault, right?


    Look – I’m not perfect – I’m human. I’m incredibly generous and loyal – to a fault. But I’m also crazy freakishly impatient at work. Too much to do – too little time.

    So sometimes – if I’m short with someone – guess what?

    It’s because of a work load I put on myself – and honestly has NOTHING to do with them – ever. I’m sure it’s the same for you right? You’ve snapped at a stranger because someone had just put you in a tail spin, right? Or something of that nature.

    Bottomline – even when you get upset because someone was mean to you – “try” this.

    “Sam – of course you got upset – bob’s being a jerk and whenever people are jerky to you – you take it personally. And that’s ok. Sensitivity is cool with the chicks and we’re doing the best we can.”

    Something like that – and Sam if you are a she-Sam I’m sorry. But you get the point – right?

  55. Franky says:

    Thank you for writing this article. After a horrible childhood- I married a copy of my father who treated me the same way. He was full of shamming and humiliation tactics. I believed from a young age it was my fault, I needed to try harder, be smarter, better ect. but that is not the truth. Thanks again. I can see the truth clearly of who they are now.

  56. Nance says:

    Lori, how good are you? Just reaching out and helping others. It was a blessed day that I found you and your outrageous attitude. I always knew these truths, but sometimes you just need a reminder and you came at a good time in my life when I needed to be reminded.

    Love ya, girl!

  57. You write so nice!

  58. Dandy Ling Kwong says:

    Dear Lori,
      Thank you very much for your article.  I am well aware of this, and had been trying to actively work on it for around 2 months now.  Of course, all is not easy.  For me, I had a very limiting belief system, where I believed how everyone treated me is in accordance to my self-worth.  Now, however, I realized this is of course not true.  My self-worth is in accordance to what I give myself, and I myself deserve nothing short of the best.

      However, whenever something happened, I will still automatically placed meaning on it.  This subsequently trigger negative emotion.  By now, I have high awareness of my emotion state.  Whenever I am in negative emotion, I realized it’s because I placed negative meaning to the event.  However, realizing this, doesn’t really help, as my emotion is still in a downed/depressed mode.  Snapping out of this emotion really takes some time, and that is what I feel frustrated at.  

  59. Hi Lori,

    It’s true thats why I keep the pain inside for them to know that my heart is already with them. The only thing that follows is to be fair nothing much.

  60. Hillary says:

    I can’t agree more. This is how I live and work with my clients. Loved this, “Every point in your life is a chance for growth – find the growth from
    all your emotions, even if it’s painful.  Accept the emotion without
    judgment. Just by being aware of how you’re feeling, your resistance
    will fade and your pain will recede.”

    I love how emotions are our GPS when we don’t resist them. Thanks!

  61. White Rod73 says:

    This is defined as an Amigyla Hijack!  (may have spelt this wrong….sorry!)

  62. LoriRTaylor says:

    Nance – as my friend Greg Reid says “I’m always good…” Thank you for saying hello and sending my outrageous attitude love – I accept!  Love you too!

  63. LoriRTaylor says:

    Ahsna Adeline – what a beautiful name and thank you so much.

  64. LoriRTaylor says:

    Dandy- you honesty is outrageously awesome!!!  You got it all right – and sounds like you are doing just fine. It is just about being aware! Paying attention let’s us CHOOSE our moods.  Just because you realize you aren’t feeling happy does not mean you can flip the happy switch. But isn’t it nice to know it is YOU who doesn’t feel happy – there is no one in control of how you are feeling?  And most importantly, as soon as you are ready to feel happy – you will.  It really does work like that my friend.  Just pay attention. Even if you “flub” it up – pay attention – the growth comes from awareness.

  65. LoriRTaylor says:

    Ah you hit the nail on the head Hillary – “our emotions are our GPS when we don’t resiste them!”  Thank YOU – brilliantly outrageous.

  66. Blonde, Jane Blonde says:

    Hi Ms. Taylor,

    Just stumbled upon (but not on the eponymous site itself!) this article after a web search for “how to keep up energy blogging” (followed through from a different one). I have been thinking of starting some type of online platform because I too, will need one as a someday-published fiction writer (who is still too shy to put my real name on comment forms, “LOL”). And I must say, I like your conversational writing style too — I’ve been trying to break out of the rigid habits my teachers “ice-picked” into my brain (pun on the site’s name!).

    I also must say that the first thing that popped into my head while reading the opening line of this article just had to be Paul McCartney. :)

    “When you were young and your heart was an open book,
    You used to say, ‘live and let live.’
    (You know you did, you know you did, you know you did…)
    But if this ever-changing world in which we live in
    Makes you give in and cry…
    Say Live and Let Die.”

    Kind of my personal philosophy as a freethinker libertarian.

  67. gem says:

    What a beautiful post :)

    I went through a few weeks of therapy with exactly these issues. If I wasn’t angry with other people for making me feel hurt/angry/upset/worthless, I was allowing other people to make my decisions. I was relinquishing control which meant I then felt hurt/angry/upset/worthless all the more.

    My therapist made me understand that it was the way *I* was reacting to situations, and what others were doing or saying were, well, *their* reactions to the situation.

    I do think it’s importan to note that sometimes we need to not only know *what* we do but *why* we react in certain ways. Often our thought processes have been conditioned from events hat happened during our childhood so they become very hard to break, even if we know we’re reacting badly to something. Turning your thought processes around isn’t an overnight thing, but it cerainly pays huge dividends to our mental health

    Knowing I have control now is so freeing :) x

  68. kashyap says:

    one’s thinking can be changed by meditation only. through meditation one can understand the situation in a better way.  stress is can be relieved instantly if we change the perspective of seeing the things.

  69. Artem Stupakov says:

    Today I had great time on the street and bought some usefull stuff on the market. And enjoyed the weather so much. Great post, our perception is our Power or Illness. Thanks for post.

  70. Hsiaoshuang says:

    The message of this article is summed up in Buddha’s opening words in Dhammapada verses 1,2:

    All that we are is the result of what we have thought, it is based on our thoughts and it is made up of our thoughts.

    If a man speaks or acts from an evil thought, then suffering follows him as the wheel follows the feet of the oxen that drove the carriages.

    If a man speaks or acts from a pure thought, then happiness follows him like his own shadow that never leaves him.

  71. DesertStar says:

    Thank You Thank You Thank You 
    for this article. It was a very excellent read, and an essential piece of advice and I knew a single thank you won’t be enough. 
    Thank you once again! 

  72. Gee says:

    Hey Lori,
    Thanks for sharing the beautiful article, and the explanatory story. 

    I used to see negative in everything- like i was on a mission to feel bad about myself. But since i’ve been applying this principle= i try to “Change the meaning” to a positive one in stuff now- it saves me from suffering. 

    But, I have an anxiety energy field that accompanies me 24*7. I have been practising staying aware of my energy, feelings, emotions for past 3-4 months, yet it hasn’t helped.

    Any thoughts of how to let go of that negative enrgy field? It happens mainly in social situations. 


  73. K Watson says:

    Absolutely agree, fantastic post! I always say there are no negatives in life, only positive experiences or learning opportunities, the only issue is sorting out which is which :)

  74. great post, I remember when participated in the landmark forum which was  was all about that: a moment in time, something happened, something said something unkind, or we were pushed, hit or whatever. Maybe when we were 2 and then whenever we get into a situation like this, we react like a 2 year old. How scary is that! It shocked my system and I was determined to be aware and have a choice of how I react. Does it always work? NO, but the awareness has helped a lot.

  75. Guest says:

    Oh blimey!  i love you!  Thanks for posting this, its so so helpful. 

  76. Pingback: Les portes de la perception | Opus Secret

  77. Debra Kay says:

    Lois you nailed it — what we KNOW and how we FEEL are 2 different things……

  78. Debra Kay says:

    oh  for Petes sake — cut the criticism about the proof reading — what matters here is the content — not if it was perfectly written —— complain complain — how silly

  79. Tathata says:

    This is something I’ve been struggling with for ages. I really liked the proverb / story about the two college friends… it demonstrates so well how we can make up crap in our heads that has little or nothing to do with reality.

    When I come to situations like this my imagination won’t just turn off (It’s far too active for that), so I’m learning to make myself imagine many difference scenarios, positive and negative. That what I don’t get stuck to one or the other. I hope one day to get to a place where I can accept these things with an open mind until I find out the facts….

    Thanks for the great post!!!

  80. Wihmunga Li says:

    I love this post. I always want to think out of my perception, especially when I’m straggling in my romantic relationship. My boyfriend is a workaholic that we barely meet (perhaps 4hrs/month) and even talk (sometimes msn, but no phone calls at all), it makes me suffered. Dealing with this is one of my major resolutions in 2012, thus I start reading on how to build-up a beautiful mindset… I’m doing better now (but not good enough) when he always busy. 

  81. Brokenhearted says:

    What if what you feel is reality? Within the last few months I have been trough a divorce, collapse of my employment due to an ethical battle with my former supervisor, being forced to move cross country to a place where I know no one, separation from my two wonderful daughters and open heart surgery – yes alone. I have lived a life of constant abuse since I was a young child and always have tried to stand tall and get above it all, but my despair I feel is starting to really take its toll. I just spent my last birthday of 49 years alone. I am trying to meet new friends and am having trouble because my current life situation is so overwhelming – to quote that famous Christina Aguilera song; its hard to breathe. What can I do?

  82. Mark Duncan says:

    You are so right. Many suffer needlessly because of their perception. The may feel like they are losing control because of how they are looking at it. 
    Very good.
    I would love to share this article on my “how to change your life” blog.

  83. Greggamma says:

    Awesome.  21st century Buddhist Psychology!

  84. Greggamma says:

    Awesome.  21st century Buddhist Psychology!

  85. “Suffering never comes from the
    facts themselves, it comes from your perception of the facts; it’s the meaning
    you place on what YOU are processing in that moment”.

    I can relate to this article
    because I too don’t sometimes fully register what the person says and I twist
    it and think otherwise only now making the situation worst and leaving me
    stressed. Then when I finally talk to the person, they never meant it the way I
    took it.


  86. Cindycooks4u says:

    Lori, I seem to lose my jobs for saying something stupid. My sister just told me it is because I think people are my friends but I am just a worker. It was never explained to me in that way. Then I read your article and started thinking I need to change my thinking pattern. Be a worker, cheerful and stop thinking I have to be friends with everyone and just keep my mouth shut.

  87. Jf00206 says:

    What if you’ve been through your initial defense and or refocusing mecanism, however you want to look at it, and now something else is governing you…. In any instance I really enjoyed this and hope to get back to being happy even though pain may trip me up:) thanks for the read only time will tell!

  88. Guest says:

    I totally agree that  personal offense is a subjective issue and can not be measured objectively. In cases in which the hurt has been done unintentionally (as in your first story) or in minor cases, it is possible, eligible and recommended to search for the “life lesson” and move on instead of lingering in the hurt. Maybe then it is even fair to say to a friend to get up and get moving in a brisk manner. Even in mayor cases it is great when the hurt person is able to do that. I understand that you such that you put your emphasis on those kind of situations which are more or less harmless – unless they are treated unreasonable and then they become harmful and lead to unnecessary suffering.

    However in a lot of mayor cases the approach introduced by you is hardly possible. In those cases, as for example rape,  it would be cruel not to take the hurt person’s suffering serious. I have friends who’s friends where burned within churches by Muslims. Although I encouraged them to forgive, I would hardly go and tell them that their suffering is self-made and that they should keep in mind that those Muslims just did not get enough praise during their childhood.

    I conclude by agreeing that your method is a way to forgiveness (and that is after all what this article is about), but that it is only one way of multiple*. It might be useful to give your friend or yourself a little kick to get out of his or your own self-pity, but it this is hardly recommendable in all cases. In fact, regarding my life it would not have been fair in most cases.

    *As far as I know there are three mayor ways: 1) Understanding the other person (which is in part described here). 2) Putting the personal offense into perspective (usually to your own mistakes and intentional misbehaviors). 3) Balancing the injustice by a) vengeance (not recommended for various reasons!), by b) compensation on the part of the offender or c) by leaving the judgment of the issue to an external authority e.g. the government or God – God of course is of course only a path open to those who believe he exists, cares and is going to do something about the issue. However, how this external authority is dealing with the problem is not up to us / you anymore – the problem is literally given away.

  89. anacreon says:

    is better to be like me , i don’t want to stress me because i want to be like new at 90 years old :)

  90. Sandra says:

    I just was told about this site last night. My impression of it thus far is first of all, it is that the writer is very articulate in explaining how to improve your life and the situations that happen. Secondly, I found that it was something that I personally needed right now. Thank you for the time and effort you put into this.

  91. Delmy Alvarenga says:

    buddhist, buddhist, buddhist. the definition of the 5 skandas applied and simplified. good writing :)

  92. Imz says:

    ‘Why then ’tis none to you; for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so’ – Hamlet.

  93. Nathaniel Wyckoff says:

    You need a new boyfriend. He seems like a heel; find someone who has time for you and actually wants a relationship.

  94. Nathaniel Wyckoff says:

    Work on building your confidence. Start by reminding yourself, even in social situations, that people everywhere are basically the same. They are not out to get you, so the anxiety serves no purpose. Another helpful exercise is to ask yourself, “How would a person with no anxiety behave in this situation?” Then, pretend you are that person and act in that manner, even if you still feel anxious inside. Watch Amy Cuddy’s TED talk on the subject.

  95. Rebecca Platt says:

    Just read your post and most comments.
    While I advocate this same line of thinking on my blog about depression, I think we need to be careful in suggesting that this is always the case. Sometimes our perceptions about a situation mean nothing. A terminal medical prognosis and the death of a loved one are two examples when our perceptions have nothing to do with anything. The facts are the facts in some cases. and the suffering that ensues comes from those facts NOT one’s perception of the facts!
    Sometimes i think we use this kind of thinking to avoid facing some issues. We try and put a postive spin on a situation instead of dealing with it. It’s not an umbrella of coping that works for everyone.
    Anyway, great post.

  96. Katherine says:

    Absolutely amazing!!!! THANK YOU!!!! You have changed my life!

  97. Rebecca Platt says:

    Love the general concept here but it’s not true that the facts themselves can’t hurt you, only your perception of the facts. Severe pain is a fact and it hurts no matter what spin you put on it. Death, a fact, hurts. A life-threatening diagnosis hurts, again no matter how you choose to think about it.
    I think what is missing in this discussion is the timing of all this. We must face facts WHEN THEY ARE FACTS. After the facts are faced, then we work on our perceptions. In the example obove, the situation could have been exactly as she thought at first. Now she has a whole “nother set of issues which she will need to confront.

  98. The Mirror says:

    It’s this exact mentality that resulted in your trading account being flat. Read trading in the zone. Read the discipline trader. Read The psychology of trading. Read one good trade. Read the playbook. Good luck.

  99. Rahig18 says:

    Thank God i read this…

  100. Henk Jordaan says:

    Great post and clear thinking, Lori. Unhappiness is the gap between our expectations and what we experience. You clearly show that we can change our experience by our own perspective… You can also change your expectation and become more conscious about what you control.

  101. rufio says:

    Wow how right you are whoever suffers is only becuase of themselves but sometimes we don’t know any better and some people have the mindset that it’s never their fault but somebody else therefore they don’t allow themselves to grow…very good post!

  102. yennyee says:

    Love your article, love reading all the comments, and love your simplicity of how perception is processed in our brain. We are what we think. For over 81 years, I accentuated the positives and eliminated the negatives by changing them into positives. For an example, having open heart surgery twelve years ago was the best thing that ever happen to me.

  103. juliejburns says:

    as Thelma
    explained I cannot believe that a stay at home mom can make $7420 in four weeks
    on the internet . more info here C­a­s­h­f­i­g­.­C­O­M­

  104. brandon asiama says:

    This really helps more than most, and gives you great perspective. I think because of how we identify ourselves with situations we believe that are bad or good based on our own emotions and what we learn causes self righteousness at times and we become our own problems not realizing our perception is key regardless.

  105. What one needs to do is to focusing on energies and bad feelings management. Is a process I went through, and now I’m really happy to can manage my stress, anxiety, fear, anger. I think it is an important step in ourselves lives.

  106. Self-developement and continuing logic are at the base of mind’s wellness. Think positive, always!

  107. You’ve to go out the field of your suffering. I think suffering is a field of our temporary feelings. If we can concentrate, we can get out from there. Listen to me, If you’re trying to reach your goal but always thinking and being afraid of your frustration, you’re doing the wrong thing. Try to go out, try to think about what makes you anger or sad and make your conclusions about it. Ask yourself if it will stop your goal reaching. Meditate about it, expand your thinking and elapse your feelings enjoining your life.
    When you read a suggestions concerning a problem you have, you must be concentrated and meditating with mindfulness about it. Explore yourself and you will find your happiness, your life aim, your meaning.

  108. To be the shadows of bad situations such they actually are. Rediscover your passions, you deserve to enjoy your life. I rediscovered my interests after bad periods like those, interests like writing or playing guitar, walking in a park.
    I hope you’ll have a good procedure, try to make it better.

  109. You deserve to live your life :) Remember :)
    Read books, make projects, rediscovered your interests. If you like tea rediscover your interests in tea, if you like science then do the same. Improve yourself.

  110. Sarah says:

    Sarah. Hi Lori thanks for your article, I’ve just found it by accident, looking for how to be tranqil. Have spent my life fitting in with others and don’t know who I am. For the first time in my life I feel accepted, no longer feel the need to keep finding out who I am, I am who I am. One question though how do you manage a sitution where you try to have a relationship with your adult child who even when things are going well (my percetion) they will bring up something bad that I did/didn’t do as a mum (sometimes there is truth in the comment but their memory of what, why or when is different from mine, It’s usually raised in front of others so I feel humilated as well. Unfortunately I have spent all my life as the victim and my memory is so full of negative times that when these comments arise I do get angry and upset and really struggle to replace the comments with good memories. I spent most of my childs life with extreme low self esteem, a lone mum with limited finances, so have very little good memories of anything as was permanently in survival mode which followed being an abused kid myself. Got plenty of bad memories though, they seem easier to hang on to? from my childhood and my adult child’s childhood. I definately don’t feel I was the best parent in the world. I experience difficulty in emanating warmth..

    I feel now that my adult child is hurting but that I as the mum is the cause of it and it is hard to find a way to heal myself and an adult child.

  111. Pingback: Suffering Comes From YOUR Perception (Yep, it’s Your fault)

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