Suffering Comes From YOUR Perception (Yep, it’s your fault!)

This was a really good read

I typically enjoyed the little story of the two girls. I think we can all relate to that in one way or another. And I know we’ve all suffered when we never really had to in the first place.

Everything’s a learning experience in this life, it’s what makes it fun! Especially if you get good at doing what you said, stop believing in your own BS!

Thanks for this article!

Nice post!!!..you make me remember it..yes..many time I judge person by what I see without ask from them (when I young) and make me suffering in my mind and after that I know it not wrong same I though..it make me had waste time for make me headache.
We must ask if we want to know..why you do like this right?
hahaha..Thank you for your article )

That was an amazing article.. This is exactly what my problem is (the story of two girls) except the other ‘girl’ is my bf! and I feel I jump on these ‘conclusions’ because he has hurt me by cheating on me before. So may be sometimes you have a reason to jump to the conclusions? Jennifer’s jumping to conclusions would make more sense if she had had friends ditch her like this before.

AHH THE TRUTH…First off Hi Lori, So… whos to say what the truth is when the truth is based on outside influences that you believe to be true because thats what your comfortable believing in.
The problem is when you realize(or attain) this path of thinking it can be hard believing in anything or anyone much less yourself.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t disagree with you because people need something to believe in. Its just not as easy as words on a page (good starting point though). My personal belief is that people should stop THINKING about searching for the truth and just “live and let live”
Hows that for blue collar bantor? take care

Typo in line number two of this article. Are there any places that proof read anymore?

I have read this same theme many, many times. I am all for coldly calculating the facts prior to reacting, but it does not work that way. I do have a personal goal of taking nothing personally, but I often lose sight of this goal when I am hurt or afraid or consumed with frustration.
All of this is wonderful to contemplate but another source of misery when we fail to change our attitude.

Hey Lori , now this is an amazing story! I very much enjoyed it!!

Lois – I totally agree. Sometimes believing what you should do- turning on the light bulb – makes you see your own “show” more and it can be frustrating to know you simply “can’t help yourself”. But you know what? If you know it’s in your control – you feel how you are feeling because of YOU – then it takes the sting away. The more determined you are to be “aware” the better you get at this process. The fact you are “aware” you are afraid or frustrated it OUTRAGEOUS! Most people just “blame” the other person and accept NO ownership of their part in the “drama”. So don’t misunderstand – it’s not about logically seeing it – it’s about KNOWING in your soul someone is causing friction to teach YOU something. Nothing for you to teach them. Only for you to pay attention how many times you feel the way you do. And then sit with that. I think you are doing it just perfectly right now. You are AWAKE. Congrats!

Lucas- thank you so much for your feed back – I’m glad the story helped. It really helped me see my perception of the situation was causing more pain than anything else. I hope you have an outrageous week – and thank YOU for playing full out – taking the time to high five me – you are OUTRAGEOUS! Own it – all week.

Lois – fair enough. Unfortunately in word press they don’t have a good spell check and when you cut and paste the post from word it will make the formatting crazy. Thank you for taking the time to carefully read the post and I’ll correct the mistakes. I apologize.

Willy – I love blue collar banter and people who make me think! I agree with your point. The “truth” is an illusion. It’s based on your filters and your perception. Part of thinking outrageously is knowing simply that. Just accept even if the “truth” makes you feel better – just accepting it for what it is can bring you joy. Being aware of how you are feeling no matter what picture is painted via your mind or others is the first step to breaking free of the matrix and staying true to YOU inside. Feeling ANYTHING is good – being aware is outrageous – then you are a participant – not just an observer. We are here simply to experience – there is no good and bad – any adjective for anything comes from a belief system. Great point!

Sally love this response. So many people are caught in this trap of bringing the same relationships or situation in different dresses, you know? When that happens and you are aware of the pattern. Go be with YOU. What in you needs to shift to bring better relationships to you? Right? You are worthy of the best relationship out there – but it starts with YOU. Finding love for you will allow you to see others differently but more importantly you raise your frequency in which you vibrate and you will attract either better people or the better parts of people? My sister hated hearing this. She felt like I was saying it was her fault and for some reason she was more comfortable to believe someone or something was dealing her the “bad” cards. Which was insane! I’d prefer to believe I AM in control of my life and by getting integrated with the higher part of my – my soul – I could see past my beliefs and value systems and KNOW what I wanted and what would best serve me. It’s not the crazy 8 of trying to get love from someone else – because most people don’t love themselves, so how could they ever really love you? By loving YOU, you will bring others who are in the same vibration of self love. AND in some case you take the invisible burden off the other person who you “need” to be different. See them for the pain they are working from – find empathy for how they struggle and then be who you are.

Naam – you are outrageous and I LOVE the way you think. Headaches be gone! Be your own Tylenol.

Sean – yay! You GET it. When you see everything as a learning opportunity to be happier inside and connect with true joy you’re operating from your higher mind connected to your soul. Congrats – rejoice – you are outrageous!

The anecdote was perfect. This part was the “What’s in it for me.”
“The first step in thinking outrageously starts with being aware of your unique filter.
Remember, the main thing that makes up YOUR reality is YOUR perception. How you feel about your reality is your own doing.”
Love your style!

Lori…I want to learn up this article by heart! Its so good. I think..I have met u at the right time.

That was an amazing article.. This is exactly what my problem

I must say that when I stumbled upon this little ole site that I didn’t expect to have it change my thinking and how I deal with problems in my life. This article though has helped more than most because after examining why I’m upset most of the time I realized that I don’t remove “me” from the equation. Once I started doing that it led me towards analyzing the situation with a more positive frame of mind and energy. Soon I realized that I wasn’t carrying the negativity of the event and most of all someone else’s problems with me the rest of the day. Thank you for beginning with me a change for the better; one that involves a healthy mindset in the pursuit of my own true balance.

I’m so glad you feel that way Sangita – hope you are coming on Friday to the teleseminar

Sunil -Thank you for your kind words – it’s so amazing when people can just find awareness. It’s like waking up in the morning – a little shocking at first but once you get in the shower and get the blood pumping it beats laying alone in bed, right? Have an outrageous weekend!

Jery – wow you made my night!! Your honesty is refreshing and you warmed my heart with your words. Thank you for that. I am grateful for you. I”m SO glad you got an outrageous surprise. It’s like renting a movie you’ve never heard of and LOVING it – welcome to the rest of your life – you only have to carry around your own “stuff” – and even that you can put down! I hope to show you how…

What if you learn that your friend indeed ditched you?

This is a great piece of advice. If you try to react to something too fast you are bound to jump to a conclusion that is not always right. Taking the time to figure out the situation at hand before reacting as done me good in many situations.

Man do I agree with Willy. As someone who has followed this path for 18 years along with my Christian faith (praise God) for 14 I can tell you that existential despair is a real possibility. What helped me was to realise that Truth really does exist, and what most people call truth is actually just their opinion. They call it ‘my truth’ to dress it up but not every opinion is worth the air its breathed into. A person may have ‘their truth’ but it doesn’t mean it’s true. If they insist it is then they’re just unaware of how the mind and body works to make everything you believe seem true.
I did enjoy the article. I would like to make the point that there is genuine suffering in the world and reframing won’t always make it better. However, we do often make ourselves suffer (I do this) by buying into my stuff about other people too much. Thanks Lori.

Hey Lori

I agree with your article, it is very true. when i was told for the first time that people can only hurt or offend me if I allow them to, I was shocked. I mean hello, what was their problem, didn’t they just say that with the full intention of hurting me? but then I thought about it… yes we are often the product of our exposure, and yes there are certain things in life that cause us to build defense mechanisms and through this we often react to what we hear or see. but the truth is simply that it can only hurt or offend us if we allow it to, things are not always as we see them, we can sometimes put our selves through such unnecessary turmoil through our own insecurities…

I agree with you Sally. I relate to the story of the 2 girls also and I feel it’s because every relationship I’ve had, I’ve been cheated on, so when I see what COULD be a dishonest action, I believe it is until I’m PROVEN wrong.

I once shared an office with someone always seemed to be in a good mood and even when people were incredibly rude to her she didn’t appear to get upset. When I asked her what her secret was she told me that she knew she couldn’t change other people so she just changed her attitude towards them. Reading this article just reminded me about that. From now on if anyone upsets me I will tell myself that I am consciously choosing my response. It’s worth a try…

This was a an amazing article, the adivce you have introduced in good

Great Job Lori. You can’t say it any clearer than that. We all love to hear the truth.
As the Dalai Lama says “Immediate action” should follow “critical thinking”. I hope all
your readers will sense their reluctance to “take action” and reach out for help. Thanks again

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when is ur birth day? u r nice…

when is ur birth day? u r nice..

Today I received my first e-mail from PTB–I was skeptical to sign up & figured I would have a box full of junk to come… what an amazing surprise! It was like a letter from an old friend that know just how I think & feel! The story, the advice–better than any counseling session! Thank you Lori. <3

THIS IS JUST WHAT I NEED!

I like every mail of your pretty much. I thought I will be tricked somehow into multiple payments, but I somehow realise this is the matter of something more a fraud can bring.

I’m very happy to have found and read this article! Like you said “welcome to the rest of your life”!

I’m aware of how our realities are shaped by our perceptions of the world. But you clarified the so much more that “when you believe in your own bullshit, you diminish your power”, or you diminishes your own happiness!

And yes I agree completely that when you change your attitude, you attract either better people or the better parts of people!

My goal from now on will be to consciously CHOOSE my reactions to a certain event or person. Although easier said than done, but it can be done!

Hello Lori. Wow, I really love what you do. This article uncovered some areas in my life that still have not healed due to the negative energy I’m holding onto about a situation. I want to thank you for reminding me to look outside the box and see things from the other side to allow understanding to continue to flow. There is abundant love and awareness is your actions Lori. I am truly grateful having met you. Thank you again.

ok weird – I replied and the comment isn’t showing up – oky doky then.

My answer to your great question is this…

What IF your friend ditched you?

Your friend ditched you.

That’s it.

It’s your perception that is making it more than someone didn’t want to hang out with you.

Why do they have to be wrong or why do you have to be wrong? Why do we search so desperately externally for self worth?

At the end of the day – you are a beautiful person. Some people will see that, others won’t. Most can’t see the beauty in others because they can’t see it in themselves.

But even that doesn’t matter.

It is what it is.

You didn’t get the girl (or the guy). You didn’t get the job. You didn’t get the hugs you wanted as a child.

If you can see those things as just things that happened and not rely on your mind to apply meaning to someone else’s actions which it simply isn’t capable of accurately doing anyway – you will feel….

Well you know what?

Try it and tell me what you feel. And I don’t mean lying to yourself either.

If you get ditched and your heart breaks or you beat yourself up all I would say to do is this…

Be aware this is happening. Be aware you feel the need to make a story out of another person’s actions without knowing for a fact the filters they are wearing or the beliefs they have ingrained in their brains.

Be aware of your limitations when you “perceive” something – and then comfort yourself with something like…

“E. of course you feel ditched. Ever since you were 8 you’ve been telling yourself you weren’t good enough. And that’s ok. We’re working on this together. You are in the process of accepting that you’re worthy and until we get there things like this are just going to be a little tough. But you’re in the process of learning to love yourself so that’s a good thing!”

July – I’m a Leo. Thanks for asking – it’s coming up! And thank you for your kind words – I am trying to give as much as you guys will receive.

Thank you Ed. Sometimes the hardest help to ask for is the kind we really need, you know? I think some people have just decided “it” doesn’t work “for them” but that’s the mind/ego protecting it’s kingdom. Changing your perception of you can be the easiest thing to do when you want to. The key is “want to”.

NO junk allowed! Unless of course you hate my writing – but then again that’s easy enough to fix, right? DELETE. LOL. Thank you for this awesome note! “letter from an old friend” that’s going to stick with me. Thank YOU Emily!

Well Keith, I love you too. Thank you for these powerful and kind words – they matter very muc to me. I’m so glad you are making progress and can feel the love in my actions – you know why?

Because that means your frequency is on the right channel!

Glad to help and look forward to this journey with you!

Seriously, Lois? Oh, right, *live and let live*.

I wish I had got this advice when I was growing up . Better late than never …

I love the way you have put it.

Suffering never comes from the facts themselves, it comes from your perception of the facts; it’s the meaning you place on what YOU are processing in that moment.

This is an over simplification of the relationship between fact and perception! For instance,I am broke, I have flattened my trading account – that is a fact. The pain from that is not from my perception of the fact that I am broke, I am broke and my account is flat, whether I perceive it to be so or not! My perception does not change the fact that my account is flat and I can no longer trade – that is a fact! The evidence presented to me in my account is irrefutable!

The story of the two girls is different. One perceived (wrongly) that the other had betrayed her. The facts did not support this perception, but the evidence lead, understandably, to the wrong conclusion.

it was really an amazing article. i really inspired alot from dis. the story of girls realized me, that we take so many decisions without thinking jst bcose of are wrong preseption.

Yep you got it – you can either choose to act or re-act – which do you think is more outrageously powerful?

Tanya – thank you very much for this thoughtful response. Yes- my sister didn’t love this at first either – but then she got it. You can choose to be a victim in your life or you can choose to participate. For me – I learned long ago I can’t make anyone treat me better – they treat me how I let them and how they want to. I do realize sometimes the meaning I put on their actions is my own filter and isn’t always accurate. How I show gratitude and love is not the same way my husband does. So learning to accept others don’t have your script – and you aren’t the director for THEIR life – well I like knowing I’m in control of just how important I’ll let an action be to me.

Like I tell everyone – if you aren’t happy with this program I’ll give you your money back! (wink – it’s free – giggle) Glad you are enjoying it.

Love that – it’s outrageous!! I’m so glad you’re committed to holding space for you. You don’t make anyone wrong when you choose your actions. When you react it’s usually to try to and change someone else’s behavior or “win”, you know? Glad to be on your team – have a great weekend.

Dr. Jerry – first of all I’m so very sorry about your trading account. And you bring up a most excellent point that actually supports what I’m trying to say.

The fact is you are broke. But the MEANING you put to that is your perception.

The fact is very simple, actually. You made trades that didn’t work out, risked your capital and now you have no money in your account.

Where it gets complicated is when you make that bigger – to apply somehow as a definition of YOU.

Do you feel stupid?

Do you feel like someone screwed you over?

Do you feel like you are being punished in some way?

Do you think people won’t trust you in business because you made bad trades?

I have NO idea WHAT meaning you put on it – but I believe from your exclamation points there is meaning. This is the part you control.

You could be on one extreme and say “This is an opportunity. I can start a new trading strategy from ground zero. Or maybe trading isn’t for me and I need to move towards something more stable that matches up with a passion.”

Or you could say, “I’m an idiot. My mom was right – I’ll never amount to anything – I have nothing – I will never have anything – it’s bad kharma and this is going to be a lifetime of pain.”

Or something in the middle.

But yes – the fact is you are broke. And yet I’m going to guess there is someone in your life, hopefully you, who sees that means nothing. You have a gift inside you – and sometimes hitting “rock bottom” financially forces you to take inventory of what’s important.

When I meet people and hear their stories – I have to say – the best ones are the ones from rock bottom. Tony Robbins has been broke more than once, as has Donald Trump, Les Brown, Greg Reid and many others. And maybe you think, “Yeah well those guys are all celebs” or whatever…

Well guess what – Tony Robbins was a fat kid and Les Brown was given up for adoption and lived through his teens with the nick name “DT” dumb twin. And he was a black poor man- so let’s not pretend the odds were on his side.

So I’d throw it back in your court with this.

You are broke – fact.

You are [insert word] – perception (that’s your call)

And you have an opportunity to start over. If you need any help, I happen to have Trade The Markets and Market Tamer founders as friends – google both and I’m sure I can get the CEO of either company to give you some help out of this mess for no charge.

Thank you so much for the push back – I’m hoping others who may have had the same “perception” realize now what I’m trying to communicate.

Thank you. Giggle. I hate seeing typos too – it’s so hard to catch them when you write it though! Arrgh.

You’re outrageous friend.

Ahhh – but you have it now right? “To know and not do is to not know”

You can do this – seriously – put the other crap down. Just. Do. This.
And when old patterns come in – say hello – smile – and then say to yourself “well – sometimes that’s just how “we” roll!”

Do it for me – and then you’ll crack up – talking to yourself quoting me – try it.

A new pattern – it’s outrageous!

Yes – decisions can be reviewed and evaluated by the mind – but the ones made from the heart are usually the ones that serve us best. xo

It’s worth more than a “try” – giggle – I always pick on that word.

Not a solid word of action you know?

But a start – yes.

I think if you could see the rude, angry people around you as children who never healed – bullies to themselves and to others, and just find compassion for an unloved child who wasn’t taught any better, you’d feel better – don’t you?

Think about it – because YOU were a child and that child is still in there – when someone is rude it must be your fault, right?

Really?

Look – I’m not perfect – I’m human. I’m incredibly generous and loyal – to a fault. But I’m also crazy freakishly impatient at work. Too much to do – too little time.

So sometimes – if I’m short with someone – guess what?

It’s because of a work load I put on myself – and honestly has NOTHING to do with them – ever. I’m sure it’s the same for you right? You’ve snapped at a stranger because someone had just put you in a tail spin, right? Or something of that nature.

Bottomline – even when you get upset because someone was mean to you – “try” this.

“Sam – of course you got upset – bob’s being a jerk and whenever people are jerky to you – you take it personally. And that’s ok. Sensitivity is cool with the chicks and we’re doing the best we can.”

Something like that – and Sam if you are a she-Sam I’m sorry. But you get the point – right?

Thank you for writing this article. After a horrible childhood- I married a copy of my father who treated me the same way. He was full of shamming and humiliation tactics. I believed from a young age it was my fault, I needed to try harder, be smarter, better ect. but that is not the truth. Thanks again. I can see the truth clearly of who they are now.

Lori, how good are you? Just reaching out and helping others. It was a blessed day that I found you and your outrageous attitude. I always knew these truths, but sometimes you just need a reminder and you came at a good time in my life when I needed to be reminded.

Love ya, girl!

You write so nice!

Dear Lori,
  Thank you very much for your article.  I am well aware of this, and had been trying to actively work on it for around 2 months now.  Of course, all is not easy.  For me, I had a very limiting belief system, where I believed how everyone treated me is in accordance to my self-worth.  Now, however, I realized this is of course not true.  My self-worth is in accordance to what I give myself, and I myself deserve nothing short of the best.

  However, whenever something happened, I will still automatically placed meaning on it.  This subsequently trigger negative emotion.  By now, I have high awareness of my emotion state.  Whenever I am in negative emotion, I realized it’s because I placed negative meaning to the event.  However, realizing this, doesn’t really help, as my emotion is still in a downed/depressed mode.  Snapping out of this emotion really takes some time, and that is what I feel frustrated at.  

Hi Lori,

It’s true thats why I keep the pain inside for them to know that my heart is already with them. The only thing that follows is to be fair nothing much.

I can’t agree more. This is how I live and work with my clients. Loved this, “Every point in your life is a chance for growth – find the growth from
all your emotions, even if it’s painful.  Accept the emotion without
judgment. Just by being aware of how you’re feeling, your resistance
will fade and your pain will recede.”

I love how emotions are our GPS when we don’t resist them. Thanks!

This is defined as an Amigyla Hijack!  (may have spelt this wrong….sorry!)

Nance – as my friend Greg Reid says “I’m always good…” Thank you for saying hello and sending my outrageous attitude love – I accept!  Love you too!

Ahsna Adeline – what a beautiful name and thank you so much.

Dandy- you honesty is outrageously awesome!!!  You got it all right – and sounds like you are doing just fine. It is just about being aware! Paying attention let’s us CHOOSE our moods.  Just because you realize you aren’t feeling happy does not mean you can flip the happy switch. But isn’t it nice to know it is YOU who doesn’t feel happy – there is no one in control of how you are feeling?  And most importantly, as soon as you are ready to feel happy – you will.  It really does work like that my friend.  Just pay attention. Even if you “flub” it up – pay attention – the growth comes from awareness.

Ah you hit the nail on the head Hillary – “our emotions are our GPS when we don’t resiste them!”  Thank YOU – brilliantly outrageous.

Hi Ms. Taylor,

Just stumbled upon (but not on the eponymous site itself!) this article after a web search for “how to keep up energy blogging” (followed through from a different one). I have been thinking of starting some type of online platform because I too, will need one as a someday-published fiction writer (who is still too shy to put my real name on comment forms, “LOL”). And I must say, I like your conversational writing style too — I’ve been trying to break out of the rigid habits my teachers “ice-picked” into my brain (pun on the site’s name!).

I also must say that the first thing that popped into my head while reading the opening line of this article just had to be Paul McCartney.

“When you were young and your heart was an open book,
You used to say, ‘live and let live.’
(You know you did, you know you did, you know you did…)
But if this ever-changing world in which we live in
Makes you give in and cry…
Say Live and Let Die.”

Kind of my personal philosophy as a freethinker libertarian.

What a beautiful post

I went through a few weeks of therapy with exactly these issues. If I wasn’t angry with other people for making me feel hurt/angry/upset/worthless, I was allowing other people to make my decisions. I was relinquishing control which meant I then felt hurt/angry/upset/worthless all the more.

My therapist made me understand that it was the way *I* was reacting to situations, and what others were doing or saying were, well, *their* reactions to the situation.

I do think it’s importan to note that sometimes we need to not only know *what* we do but *why* we react in certain ways. Often our thought processes have been conditioned from events hat happened during our childhood so they become very hard to break, even if we know we’re reacting badly to something. Turning your thought processes around isn’t an overnight thing, but it cerainly pays huge dividends to our mental health

Knowing I have control now is so freeing x

one’s thinking can be changed by meditation only. through meditation one can understand the situation in a better way.  stress is can be relieved instantly if we change the perspective of seeing the things.

http://24x7meditation.blogspot.com/2011/10/3-instant-relaxation-exercises-for-busy.html

http://24x7meditation.blogspot.com/2011/09/guided-meditation-to-reduce-stress-when.html

Today I had great time on the street and bought some usefull stuff on the market. And enjoyed the weather so much. Great post, our perception is our Power or Illness. Thanks for post.

The message of this article is summed up in Buddha’s opening words in Dhammapada verses 1,2:

All that we are is the result of what we have thought, it is based on our thoughts and it is made up of our thoughts.

If a man speaks or acts from an evil thought, then suffering follows him as the wheel follows the feet of the oxen that drove the carriages.

If a man speaks or acts from a pure thought, then happiness follows him like his own shadow that never leaves him.

Thank You Thank You Thank You 
for this article. It was a very excellent read, and an essential piece of advice and I knew a single thank you won’t be enough. 
Thank you once again! 

Hey Lori,
Thanks for sharing the beautiful article, and the explanatory story. 

I used to see negative in everything- like i was on a mission to feel bad about myself. But since i’ve been applying this principle= i try to “Change the meaning” to a positive one in stuff now- it saves me from suffering. 

But, I have an anxiety energy field that accompanies me 24*7. I have been practising staying aware of my energy, feelings, emotions for past 3-4 months, yet it hasn’t helped.

Any thoughts of how to let go of that negative enrgy field? It happens mainly in social situations. 

Thanks.

Absolutely agree, fantastic post! I always say there are no negatives in life, only positive experiences or learning opportunities, the only issue is sorting out which is which

great post, I remember when participated in the landmark forum which was  was all about that: a moment in time, something happened, something said something unkind, or we were pushed, hit or whatever. Maybe when we were 2 and then whenever we get into a situation like this, we react like a 2 year old. How scary is that! It shocked my system and I was determined to be aware and have a choice of how I react. Does it always work? NO, but the awareness has helped a lot.

Oh blimey!  i love you!  Thanks for posting this, its so so helpful. 

[...] lu un article intéressant en anglais portant sur la perception de la réalité et notre réaction aux évènements. Je vous fait part [...]

Lois you nailed it — what we KNOW and how we FEEL are 2 different things……

oh  for Petes sake — cut the criticism about the proof reading — what matters here is the content — not if it was perfectly written —— complain complain — how silly