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Listen: This Habit Will Dramatically Improve Your Conversations

Posted on July 2, 2008 by Scott Young | CATEGORIES: self improvement

Your non-stop talking makes you seem like a jerk. I’ve never met you before, so if you are perfect at listening in a conversation, I apologize. That message wasn’t intended for you. But a lot of people do have a problem with listening. They fill conversations with the sound of their voice. I know, because I’m one of them. The listening habit has been something I’ve been trying to build with myself. There are plenty of selfish (and non-selfish) reasons why becoming a better listener is useful. I’m sure you don’t want to miss out, just because neither of us run out of things to say.

Some Selfish Reasons to Listen More

It’s easy to think of the selfless reasons to listen. People want you to listen to them. By listening, you can help someone with a problem, or help them come up with new ideas. But listening also has selfish benefits that make it worth the investment.

The biggest selfish benefit is that you learn more with your mouth closed. You’ll learn more about other people, and often, about yourself, if you stop talking. Those ideas are useful if you want to improve yourself. Going without feedback is improving in a vacuum, it’s almost impossible to do.

Listening also helps you think. When you’re truly listening, not just waiting for your turn to speak, you can chew over your ideas more. You can mull on points of the conversation longer. In the end, you’ll appear a lot wiser if you explain a fully-digested point of view, than if you just blurt out the first response that comes to mind.

Building the listening habit also makes better friends than trying to be an impressive conversationalist. People like the guy who listens more than the guy with the best jokes or funniest anecdotes. Be interested, rather than interesting.

How to Build the Listening Habit

The amount you talk is a function of your conversation style. Some people won’t have trouble holding back comments and can easily listen in a conversation. If you’re like me, you’re instinct is to treat conversations like a battleground, loading ammunition and firing ideas to match the wits of whoever you’re competing against. Unfortunately, unless you meet up with a person of the same style, the other person may have to surrender to your barrage of comments.

Building the listening habit doesn’t come easily to everyone. But, even if you never run out of things to say, you can improve. I’ve used a few strategies to become a better listener that you may find useful.

Bait Them

If the person you’re talking with doesn’t feel too chatty, bait them with a comment. Throw something at them which will make it easy for them to talk. The most common route for this is to ask them questions about themselves. “Me” tends to be the most popular subject, so getting a person to talk about themselves is an easy target for conversations.

Going the “me” route isn’t always the best strategy. If the conversation steers away from things you both have in common, you may have a hard time listening. It’s hard to have a twenty minute conversation with a sailing enthusiast if you’ve never been on a boat before.

In those cases, I suggest picking conversation points which are easy to relate to. This will be different in each person, but sports, travel or work can all be common threads.

Master the Short Anecdote

I remember being taught that listening was making comments like, “I see,” and “Uh-huh,” while nodding my head. This is one of the worst ways to carry on a conversation. Listening shouldn’t force the other person to do a monologue.

A better strategy to listen is to master the short anecdote. This is a 2-3 sentence comment on something that the other person has said. If they are telling a long explanation of their work as an accountant, you could comment on someone you know that does accounting or something you know about accounting.

Short anecdotes are better than blanket signs of listening (“I see…”) for a few reasons:

1. They break up the conversation. You give the person long enough to think of new ideas, without hijacking the conversation thread.

2. They show you are genuinely listening. You can make blanket statements without actually hearing anything. Short anecdotes show you are actively listening to the other person.

3. They give the other person a chance to conclude or switch topics. Instead of letting a conversation die off, small comments offer the opportunity for that person to switch topics without an awkward pause.

Watch the Conversation Balance

If you’re having a longer conversation, pay attention to how long you talk. If you notice you’re starting to dominate the conversation, step back and bait the other person. This way you can sit back and listen.

All of these tactics might seem a bit too detailed for regular conversations. Shouldn’t you just be natural, and not worry about the exact percentages of who says what? In that, I’d have to agree with you. Conversations should be natural, so worrying about the details of who is talking or explicitly trying to bait someone is stupid.

However, listening is important. You might not even realize that you’re ignoring the other person or dominating the conversation. Listening helps you learn, think and make connections. People who accidentally trample the conversation may be missing out on opportunities they would have, if they just learned to listen.

  • http://www.varsityblah.com/about Eugene (Editor, Varsity Blah)

    Great article, Scott! I love the idea of listening more.

    “Most of us try too hard to come up with clever things to say. But instead of worrying about your words, why not shut up and take a minute to listen? Take an interest in what they do and who they are. It starts with remembering their names but goes a lot further. Ask a lot of questions and encourage them to talk about their lives and the things they’re going through. You’ll be surprised just how much diversity and depth lies beneath the surface.”

    (From Social Intelligence)

  • rob

    great post and very helpful. listening is truly an art that many people do not devote enough attention to. active listening will result in improved, more meaningful conservations.

    thanks for reminding all. spread the word. visit us when you can!

  • http://officearrow.com Lauren Elder – OfficeArrow

    I really like your idea about the short anecdote Scott. What I absolutely can’t stand is when people interrupt me! Interrupting implies a lack of respect for others and annoys people, making them less likely to listen to you. If you wait your turn, it insinuates what you have to say is important enough to be said while everyone is listening

  • http://shanelyang.com/blogs/articles/ Shanel Yang

    Three great areas to ask the other person about are: (1) who do they recall most fondly from their childhood; (2) what were their dreams when they were high school; and (3) what’s the kindest thing anyone ever did for them. These types of questions are not only interesting in and of themselves, they also help you learn very important things about them — the 3 most important ones, in fact, for reading people quickly. I write about how to interpret their answers at http://shanelyang.com/2008/06/06/how-to-read-people/

    Scott, I wholeheartedly agree that to become a better conversationalist, you must first become a great listener. It’s all about the rhythm and give and take of the conversation. When the other seems to have run out of steam (instead of merely pausing to find the right words — in which case, don’t interrupt or offer to help unless they really appear to be struggling!), then it’s time to do your share of the work to keep the conversation flowing by commenting on what they said, asking questions for further clarification if they seem like they would enjoy going into further details, or offering your own relevant stories with as much private details as the other person just shared — as long as you feel comfortable doing that. Then, it’s all good! : )

  • http://lifeblazing.com Erika Harris – lifeblazing.com

    As a former hospice chaplain, with years of training in religion and counseling, the SINGLE GREATEST thing I could do for my patients and their loved ones was, simply, to *listen* to them.

    I saw so many well-intended visitors come and dump platitudes and cliches… when the golden thing to do was JUST BE with the patient.

    Silence is only awkward to the self-important ego. There’s really no need to assault it with our endless litanies of blah, blah, ramble, ramble.

  • Anya May

    Great post. Thanks a bunch! It’s something I really need to improve too.

    Cheers,

    Anya

  • http://www.the-happy-manager.com Phil

    Good post Scott. Listening is a greatly under-used skill in life and at work. More managers should take heed of Bob Sutton’s advice:

    “The best leaders … advocate an ‘attitude of wisdom’. Arguing as if they are right, and listening as if they are wrong.”

    http://www.the-happy-manager.com/great-managers.html

  • http://potential2success.com Ralph

    Most people can think recall havig speech classes,presentation, teaching and other speaking training but there is no training for listening. In understanding another person, listening is the only way. Even salesmen understand this. Once they listen to what you are looking for, they can better recommend a product that they can sell to you. When someone listens passively, they will never truely understand another person and that is why I feel strongly that listening is the most valuable communication skill. Great post! Made me think.

  • http://www.whenigrowupcoach.com/blog Michelle

    Great post! As a life coach, I’ve experienced firsthand that active listening is the most important tool I can use with a client. It’s a funny way of putting it, but when you think of actively listening it becomes a much less passive task, as well as being more engaging to a big talker like myself!

    If you want to practice active listening, you should:
    (a) not focus on anything other than what the other person is saying & how they’re saying it. A lot of times people only listen for a break in the conversation, so they can jump in with their own (and seemingly more important) comment. If you empty your head of your own agenda – & not be scared of a moment or two of silence – you’ll be able to listen a lot more fully and completely.

    (b) recap what the other person has said in the way that you understood it. This will help clarify what is being discussed on both sides, & will help you get to know the other person better. This is especially helpful when someone is coming to you for advice or support.

    Actively listening is tough, but when I consciously do it….Wow!

  • RaAr

    Yaa! I heared from many that we have to speak less & listen more but unfortunatly we use to do reverse due several reasions, may we want to show ourself that we know more or may want to build our impression on others or to make frant person shut his mouth for demotivating him or may be several other resions but all these are not good. Wherever necessary we have to speak like if we are giving seminar on that time we have to speak more because we want explain more.

  • http://www.expressyourselftosuccess.com Laurie

    Good post, Scott! Listening is half of the conversation; without it the talking goes nowhere. I like your suggestion on giving an anecdote. This is really important to show you’re actually listening and understanding what is being said. I, however, do use the “uh-huh”s, “I see”s etc. as well as the anecdote – not a one-or-the-other approach. I find it’s especially useful when someone is talking about a topic that is abstract and/or complicated. It isn’t to encourage a monologue, but to provide unobtrusive feedback that discretely communicates to the listener that I’m following and that they’re communicating their ideas in a way that I can understand.

    Thanks for writing on listening – it’s such an under-implemented skill!

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  • http://www.fuel-my-motivation.com Kim

    Enhancing my listening skills is one of the best things I’ve ever done. It’s not only helped me in my personal life, but in my career as well. It’s motivated me to work on other
    self improvement and motivation efforts.

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    This interesting post made me smile.

  • http://www.guyfarmer.com Guy Farmer

    Great tips Scott. I’ve also found it useful to leave room in the conversation, silence that will show the other person that you are waiting to hear what they say. Another useful technique is to ask open-ended questions if we have to talk at all. I’ve noticed the best results from simply listening and giving the other person the opportunity to tell her story.

  • Aryalda

    There seems to be a trend at the moment, trying to sound clever or something. This ruins any kind of natural conversation with anybody – all they’re doing is trying to impress you when you want your ideas listened to too. How do I know? I’m the person who talks too much. I KNOW other people are smart too, if I just let them converse instead of dominating the thread of the conversation, and killing it with a machtete. *sigh*
    I’m trying to break the habit, but [I know this sounds like a pathectic excuse] everytime I do, I fall into the introvert section altogether – there’s nothing wrong with that – but I get so caught up in listening that I forget to talk, the convesation ends and I end up thinking of all the genuinely useful things I coulld have contributed, and then i jot them down as a draft on my phone and start berating myself for being a self-centred, paranoid, sczoinphernic, obsesed weirdo – which I hope I’m not. :)

  • Aryalda

    There seems to be a trend at the moment, trying to sound clever or something. This ruins any kind of natural conversation with anybody – all they’re doing is trying to impress you when you want your ideas listened to too. How do I know? I’m the person who talks too much. I KNOW other people are smart too, if I just let them converse instead of dominating the thread of the conversation, and killing it with a machtete. *sigh*
    I’m trying to break the habit, but [I know this sounds like a pathectic excuse] everytime I do, I fall into the introvert section altogether – there’s nothing wrong with that – but I get so caught up in listening that I forget to talk, the convesation ends and I end up thinking of all the genuinely useful things I coulld have contributed, and then i jot them down as a draft on my phone and start berating myself for being a self-centred, paranoid, sczoinphernic, obsesed weirdo – which I hope I’m not. :)