How to Stop Waiting for Permission

Written by Ali Luke - 20 Comments
Categories: self improvement

When you were a child, you often had to wait for permission to do something. Perhaps you needed to be a certain age before you were allowed to use the oven or cross the road by yourself. Maybe you needed to ask mom before you got a snack. Even as a teen, you had to stick to rules: curfew, acceptable music volume, homework…

Once you’re eighteen, you’re free to do what you want (within the bounds of legality). So why do we get stuck waiting for permission?

You’ll know what I mean, even if you’ve never consciously acknowledged it. Maybe:

  • You’re waiting for someone to say that you’re good enough before you’ll allow yourself to paint/write/sing/act
  • You won’t take that course or qualification until you’re “ready”
  • There are some things you’d love to try – but you’re worried what your mom would say
  • You’re afraid to be yourself; you always follow the crowd

So often, the only person who needs to say “yes” is … you. Here’s how:

Step 1: Put Yourself In Control

It’s tempting to blame our problems on other people. It’s easy to make excuses for not taking the steps we want to in our lives.

You keep your boring, safe job because quitting would shock your parents. You never branch out and buy different clothes because you wouldn’t fit in with your friends any more. You and your partner want to emigrate, but you know your grandparents will be upset if you move away.

I’m not saying that your decisions are easy, but you do need to make yourself responsible for taking them. That means:

  • Stop making excuses like “my mom wouldn’t like it if…” or “my friends would laugh at me”
  • Start admitting what you want – even if you’re still convinced you can’t have it. Tell someone you trust or write it down in secret.

Step 2: Get Real About Barriers to Entry

When we’re stuck waiting for permission (from ourselves), it’s often because we think we’re not good enough. Maybe you’d love to learn to paint or act or write, but you’re scared to take a course because you’re a beginner.

In Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain, Betty Edwards writes:

Often, in fact, people even feel that they shouldn’t take a drawing course because they don’t know already how to draw. This is like deciding that you shouldn’t take a French class because you don’t already speak French, or that you shouldn’t sign up for a course in carpentry because you don’t know how to build a house.

Everyone starts as a beginner. Of course some of us have more innate talent than others, but you can almost certainly improve with teaching and practice.

Is there really anything stopping you applying for that course? Booking a place at that seminar? Applying for that job? Often, the skills and qualifications you’ve got are enough – you’re just selling yourself short.

Step 3: Figure out a First Step

Sometimes, we’re not just waiting for permission – we’re also waiting for someone to tell us how to begin. Just like when we were children, we’re expecting mom or dad or a friend to say “start here”. Unfortunately, you need to figure out your own first steps.

If you’d love to be a writer, stop waiting for the world to give you permission. Figure out what you need to do to get started (maybe write a short story – or send out something to a competition) and get going.

First steps aren’t necessarily easy. You might try and fail. (But that didn’t stop you when you were learning to walk, did it?) You might be afraid that people will laugh, scoff, or even be angry if you take a new direction. Often, you’ll be surprised how supportive the friends and family close to you are – if they really don’t get it, try joining a group, club or association of like-minded people who can encourage you.

Are you waiting for permission to get started on something you’ve dreamt about? Why? Who’s stopping you?

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  • http://beanoriginal.net Lodewijk – be an original

    I think there’s two kinds of people that fall into this category. The kind of people that really are looking for permission to do what they want to do, but are afraid to take the plunge.

    And there’s the kind of people that only talk about “what might be, if only”, just because that’s a nice topic to talk about. Deep in their hearts they don’t really want to change, and they’re pretty happy about the way they live. It’s just that they feel that others would think down upon them, if they should admit to that.

    Oh … and there’s the fractional group of people that don’t need permission and just do. And they inspire both groups with their actions, but in totally different ways ;-)

  • http://www.fawnmcmanigal.com Fawn

    Great article!

    I couldn’t wait until I was old enough to make my own decisions. And to my mother’s dismay, that start manifesting itself before I could get out of her house. But I think I’ve taken the freedom of making my own decisions too far, or at least have on occasion. There is a middle ground: consider how your actions will affect others, then act in accordance with your values. It’s still ultimately your decision.

    No one can stop your momentum once you focus your intent.

  • http://www.bodyincredible.com Kat Eden

    Ali I only noticed this was from you when I came in to comment – I should have picked up your style by now! Another great article, and you hit the nail on the head in saying people are often waiting to be told how to do something new. As kids we first were given permission, and then we were shown the way. These days it really has to be more about figuring out the way ourselves, learning to be the leaders of our own lives, and recognising that if most people aren’t happy with themselves (which often seems to be true) then waiting to see what they expect from us is probably not the ideal way to live.

  • http://nomadneedles.wordpress.com/ Robyn

    wow – must be the week people need to think about losing the need for permission. I had just written a post on this a few days ago – http://nomadneedles.wordpress.com/2010/02/03/do-you-need-permission/

    Why do we think we need permission? We’re the only ones who need to say go. Go! :)

  • http://enlightr.com/cloud Craig Thomas

    Nice post! Step 3 is the challenge in my opinion but overcoming is essential, also I suppose waiting for my permission can also be a challenge (I’m quite perfectionist).

  • http://www.art-and-entertainment.in sunsevvur

    I would only say this attitude is because of our schooling system. Our schools are more bent upon making children obedient servants who should say yes to all and sundry. The system achieves in bringing this complete change in children away from what their normal behaviour should be.

    Schools should teach children to be bold enough to say “no” when required.

    Thanks
    Sunsevvur

  • http://firri.com dug

    never ask for permission. always ask for forgiveness.

    take the initiative and conquer. be a leader and not a follower.

    the fear of failure in our society dominates a huge portion of the population. take hold of yourself and let your self fail so that you can find success.

    sorry about the rant. great article.

  • http://www.mysticworship.com Ramesh Raghuvanshi

    Your all argument on wrong basis.Real thing is we are afraid to do independently new thing so we depend on another [mother,father or any authority. We have no self-confidence so we search excuse.After all self-confidence increase step by step.If we donot dare to do new thing self-confidence never increase.For our success or failure we are only responsible and no one.

  • Donna

    Hi, I read this daily, but I don’t usually leave comments. However, this article really hit home, and I just want to thank you for posting it. Short, sweet, to the point, but powerful, and leaving me much to meditate on today in my own life. So, thank you. :o )

  • http://www.aliventures.com Ali Hale

    Thanks Kat – I never feel that I have a huge amount of “style” but it probably comes across to readers more than it does to me!

    Great point on most people not being happy with their lives… and yet we still end up looking to them for an example or to tell us what to do.

  • http://www.aliventures.com Ali Hale

    Thanks for taking the time to comment, Donna! Hope the thinking is fruitful for you…

  • http://www.aliventures.com Ali Hale

    I have a lot of distrust for the school system, yeah. (Hoping to homeschool when I get to the having-kids stage — few years off yet!) You spend SO much time waiting for permission in school, and doing what you’re told, going through a curriculum … no wonder we all end up a bit lost and bewildered afterwards!

  • http://www.aliventures.com Ali Hale

    Great point. I think it’s very easy to TALK about how things could be better … but a lot harder to actually take action!

  • http://MotivationalSmartAss.com Avish Parashar – Motivational Smart Ass

    Great post – I have been on a personal quest to seek less permission :-)

    I think another thing (that may be related to your points) is just straight out fear, and not just of failure. People are afraid of getting in trouble, or hurting feelings, or closing doors, so they look for permission (or “validation” before they take action)

    I have been on both the giving and receiving end of coaching or brainstorming sessions where one person just ends it by simply saying, “I give you permission to do that.” Sounds stupid but it works almost every time.

    Thanks for the great post!

  • abraham

    this was a great post…the questions “wat will ppl think of me??is it the rite way to do it???” is something tat ruins ur daily life n confidence….well these just crippled me for lot of years from being wat i’m… but for the past 5 months i have been living with an attitude tat..”i’m the king of my world…n i decide wat to do..”… trust me… it was little difficult at the start… may be we achieve nothing in the beginning…later worked like magic… it gives u an immense confidence…even the friends n family whom i thought would never support me, supported me a lot…… stop asking question n find out for urself the answers to those question…like if u r concerned about how angry or disappointed ur parents or friends would be if u did something… try finding the answer by doing it…sometimes the answer would be something which u never predicted… they may support u in what u do…

  • http://www.myrelationshipguy.com/lifecoach Guy Farmer

    Wonderful ideas Ali. You’ve described so well how people sometimes have this invisible voice that keeps telling them that they can’t do anything without permission. I’ve noticed that in order to interrupt this cycle it’s important to realize that we sometimes do things on autopilot rather than consciously making decisions to move forward. Once we realize that we actually have control over our decision making we can move forward confidently.

    Take care,

    Guy

  • Fred Carter

    Nice article Ali. Oh how often do we not do stuff because we’ve not asked permission! That was a bigee for me but it was not untill I ‘broke-out’ that I didn’t need that s**t. I was perfectly able to do stuff on my own. I was a big boy now! That’s when I started to move forward. Do it now guy’s and start to live.

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