There’s no denying that our friends have a tremendous impact on our lives. Good friends make the good times even better, and the bad times more bearable. We learn and grow by sharing our thoughts and experiences with them. You could say that a life without friends is no life at all.
And yet, our need for friendship also creates a big risk. By befriending the wrong people, we invite chaos and confusion into our lives, possibly derailing our personal growth. Remember that you need to choose your friends carefully, allowing the good people into your inner circle while keeping your distance from those who would be harmful. Here are some important traits to look for in a good friend.
They’re generally positive.
While everyone has their ups and downs, a good friend will be positive most of the time. You really don’t want a “project,” someone who’s going to suck all the life force out of you with their constant negativity. Friends should benefit from being with each other, and let their positivity rub off on each other.
Life is short, and you don’t have time to save everyone from negativity while dragging yourself down in the process. And this goes both ways. In order to be a good friend, you need to be positive as well. Both of you should make the other feel better about themselves and life in general.
They don’t try too hard to change you.
You can’t change people who don’t want to change. People are different, and we have to just accept that. While we naturally want to share our views and hobbies with other people, it doesn’t make sense to force people to change. So don’t adamantly tell someone that they have to be a vegetarian, or they have to eat meat, or they have to read more books, or they have to stop reading books, or anything else like that.
You can always invite people to try something new, but you don’t want to try to control them. Be friends with someone because of who they are now, not because of who you want them to be.
They give more than they take.
Do you ever get the feeling that someone only seems to be interested in you when you’re throwing a party, or when they need someone to help them move? That might be a sign that they take more than they give. It’s just not healthy to become friends with someone because you want to cash in on what they have to offer you, or vice versa.
A friendship should be mutually beneficial, with each of you offering help, support, and encouragement because you want to, without having ulterior motives. Any fringe benefits like getting invited to the best parties should be secondary to that.
They’re tolerant of your beliefs.
No one we meet is ever going to be exactly like us, and so disagreements are bound to happen. This is perfectly normal, and it makes life interesting. But if you happen to disagree on your deeply held beliefs, for example religion and politics, that can potentially be a problem.
Religious differences have caused many bitter arguments (not to mention wars). Political differences have caused great rifts between people who otherwise got along perfectly. But this doesn’t need to happen. Good friends can accept that one is Catholic and the other is an atheist, or that one is voting for McCain and the other is voting for Obama. There may be some debates, sometimes even heated ones, but at the end of the day, a good friend isn’t going to turn their back on you because of your beliefs. (Well, at least non-fanatical beliefs!)
Final thoughts
It’s great to be friendly, and to openly welcome new people into your life. But don’t set the bar so low as to befriend people who will do more harm than good. It’s OK to turn away from people who want to be more like a parasite than a human being. Resolve to be a good friend to others, and to expect the same in return.
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Image by nattu.
There’s a definite code to friendship. If you can’t adhere to the basic rules, it’s not worth it. By the way, I really like that picture. I used it on my first post ever.
Glad to send you on a trip down memory lane, Writer Dad, with that picture. I wish I could claim credit for selecting it, but the credit belongs to Peter at PTB, who seems to have a knack for finding the right photos.
I’ve found that choosing friends consciously, rather than just keeping the friends around you, helps to surround yourself with great people. Some friendships you have to let go, but the ones you keep are of greater value.
Ibrahim, most people do seem to just accept their “default friends,” don’t they? We always have a choice!
Another constant thread of a good friend is loving unconditionally. Also, growing up, all my friends were in my neighborhood. Today they are scattered across the globe and I meet them online. The dynamics of friendships are changing, but the foundation always remains the same.
Stacey, the internet definitely makes it easier to stay in touch with people these days. And yet, technology won’t do the work for us. Like you said, the foundation remains the same.
I would add
1. They don’t care about money in our relationship. If I asked them for money if they have them, they will give it to me. If it is not much they won’t even ask me to return them.
Peter… about money. I agree to some extent, but what about if they ask to borrow $10,000? Not a good move for a friend to make, I think, as it changes the whole dynamic and nature of the relationship. But I’d be happy to buy my friend anything I can reasonably afford without expectation of repayment in cash or kind.
I disagree. Friends should avoid lending friends money whenever possible.
Hmmm. That’s a tough one. I’ve always been one of those “If I’ve got 50 cents, you have 25″ type guys. However, if the shoe is on the other foot, and YOU’RE the one that’s broke and they cannot at least reciprocate, then somebody is being used. I NEVER “loan” money. If someone needs help, and I can give it, I will.
i love the quote:
A true friend….see through the act, and still enjoys the show!
I have learned slowly over the years, that it is not wise to focus on some friendships that can be draining…on the one hand, on the other hand, some of the best friends I have need me more than I need them…it just works out that way for me, I end up being better off when I am helping someone other than myself…
“A good friend is a connection to life – a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.” – Lois Wys
I would also add that a friend will accept you if and when you change.
Ever since moving from Canada to Spain, I’ve made a conscious decision as to who would be included in my circle of close friends and you sum up exactly what the criteria are.
I’ve even gone so far as to tell my boyfriend that certain negative people are not ever welcome in our apartment because I don’t want them in our space.
Nice points. I’ve had friends who’ve only befriended me to use me.
[...] And yet, our need for friendship also creates a big risk. By befriending the wrong people, we invite chaos and confusion into our lives, possibly derailing our personal growth. Remember that you need to choose your friends carefully, allowing the good people into your inner circle while keeping your distance from those who would be harmful. Here are some important traits to look for in a good friend. Read more [...]
[...] Continue Reading [...]
It’s also important to remember that choosing to end a friendship does not make you a bad person. Sometimes in life, it takes awhile to realize that you really don’t want a friendship with someone, after thinking you did.
Having a difference of opinion about superficial things is interesting. Having a difference of opinion about religion is a deal breaker. Religious beliefs, if they are heartfelt and sincere, influence every aspect of a person’s life, all of their values and thus all of their decisions. They are a reflection of a person’s essence. If friends want the very best for their friends, a Catholic in more than name only would not be able to have a meaningful relationship with an atheist.
It would break the rule about wanting to change the person. No one wants to care about a person that they believe is going to burn in hell for all eternity.
I have to disagree with that. I have a very good friend who is a republican and a Catholic. I am a democrat and what some may describe as a bacchanalian agnostic. We get along extremely well. We share similar interests as well as a similar sense of humor. The two of us (and a few of our other friends) constantly have conversations about politics (which occasionally then leads to religion). We manage to stay respectful of each other’s opinions, because we never let ourselves forget we are talking to someone we care deeply about. In fact, I believe we all enjoy the debating and are better off for it. I like hearing the other side’s view, especially from someone who can back it up. I still may not agree, but I can see where they are coming from on it. We are proof that you can respect others’ religion (or lack of) and still be friends.
I’m not talking about a superficial relationship between a bunch of people who like to get together on the week-end and down a few brews and shoot the sh++ about religion and politics. I’m talking about a deeply caring relationship between a knowledgeable, committed Catholic and an atheist.
I’m sorry Judy. Maybe you are not able to have a “deeply caring relationship” with someone who disagrees with your religious points of view, but I am able to. I am truly offended that you presume my friend and I don’t care deeply for one another. We do, I would do anything I could for her, and I’m pretty sure the opposite is true as well. We do not “shoot the sh++ about religion and politics”. We discuss and debate in a knowledgeable manner. Let me be perfectly clear, our relationship in NOT superficial. I would certainly count her among my closest friends. Again, I’m sorry, but just because you can’t do it, doesn’t mean others can’t.
Obviously there are differences in the depth of emotional involvement among people who consider themselves to be frieds. And, there are also vast differences in the depth of knowledge and committment among people who classify themselves as Catholics.
I think it is fairly safe to say that any definition of friendship would include the idea that there is a shared desire for each others happiness and well-being. I can only repeat that it is not possible for a real friendship between a knowledgable Catholic, deeply committed to their faith, and an atheist. It would contradict the meaning of friendship, since friends don’t want friends to burn in hell. It would also endanger the Catholic’s soul and cause a great deal of emotional turmoil to be truly involved with someone committed to hedonism. In fact, the Bible warns against involvement with nonbelievers.
Now, if your talking about a “friendship” between a nominal Catholic and an atheist who both like to get together on the week-end down a few brews and shoot the sh++ about religion and politics. Then of course that is possible. But then would be defining Catholic and friend very loosley.
[...] Essential Traits of Good Friends Yueheng posted this up, and though general, I think it’s quite a good [...]
We always need to keep in mind to attract positive people into our lives. If you are a positive person you like to think the best of others and have to tune in to see if they are really a match for you or not. Negativity will take everything out of you.