Already, by writing this title, I’m sure I’ve annoyed a few people. Extroversion is supposed to be a personality trait, not something you pick, but something you were born with. That might be true. But even if you are fairly introverted, I think you can still capture some of the best parts of being an extrovert:
- Being comfortable with groups of people.
- Meeting people easily.
- Having conversations without wondering what to say.
I used to be incredibly introverted. My social life was lagging behind and I used to blame it on my personality. While I can’t claim to be an expert in charisma, I have made big improvements towards the three skills I mentioned earlier. Best of all, I still get to keep the best parts of being an introvert, like being able to focus during time alone.
How to Boost Your Extroversion
I found there were a couple of key steps I took that helped me learn the best parts of being an extrovert, without changing my personality. Everyone needs to take their own path, but hopefully by sharing the steps that worked for me, you boost your extroversion as well.
The most obvious first step is simply to spend more time with people. If you feel uncomfortable in social situations, that’s probably because you aren’t in them frequently. This advice is so obvious it hardly deserves mention, but it’s a step few decided introverts take on. If you aren’t extroverted, you won’t feel motivated to meet people, and if you don’t feel motivated to meet people, you can’t become extroverted. It’s an unfortunate Catch-22 that can stall self improvement.
If you feel stuck in this cycle of isolation, I think there are two main places you can break it. Both strategies work, and doing both at the same time might be your best option.
Find Social Activities You Enjoy
One barrier that forces many people to be introverted is if they don’t see any enjoyable social activities around them. If you don’t like going to bars, and all the people you know are party animals, you might feel happier staying in.
Realizing this was a big step in helping me become more extroverted. I realized that there were certain events and groups of people I could be a lot more outgoing with. There were other people who I didn’t connect with. You won’t connect with everyone, so finding different groups of people is a good starting point.
The best way to find new groups of people are through clubs, volunteering or small classes. Activities with a sign-up sheet. Although you can meet people anywhere, it’s way easier to connect with people if you already have a shared interest and you’re in an environment designed to help you meet new people.
Push Your Comfort Zone Limits
The second strategy to become outgoing is to crush any social fears you have. Everyone has limits at what they consider too gutsy. For extreme extroverts, these limits are pushed far back. For introverts, they might be a lot closer. Pushing your comfort zone backwards makes it easier to socialize.
Once you’ve gone past your comfort zone, it’s easier to do it again. Last year, when I moved to a new building, I took the initiative to go around and say hello to everyone. This is something that would have terrified me four years ago, but was only a mild fear at that time. A month ago, when I moved again, I did the same thing. This time the introductions were even easier to do.
My philosophy is to do the smallest step possible. Don’t beat yourself up if introducing yourself to hundreds of strangers in one day seems terrifying. Build up to it by slowly picking bigger challenges. The key to this tactic is to find the intermediate step between what terrifies you and what you do every day.
Learn the Art of Talking
Listening is an important skill. It is probably even more important than talking. However, if you’re in a conversation and you’re fighting an awkward silence, listening only magnifies that fact. Another skill to become extroverted is to be able to talk non-stop.
In practice, you won’t want to talk non-stop. In fact, the best conversations I’ve had are when I do little of the talking. But, as a reformed introvert, I can say that the worst feeling is standing in a group of people and having nothing to say. Even if you don’t speak all the time, having the ability to do so gives you a lot more confidence in social situations.
You can get the gift of gab by learning to continue conversations even when you aren’t sure what to say. Just say anything. Although you may feel awkward, usually any conversation attempts will be good enough. If you can practice this, then you’ll always have a backup in case the conversation hits a road block.
The Joy of Introversion
I’ve been promoting the side of being an extrovert, but there are benefits to introversion. As an introvert, you can get the benefits of peak productivity while working by yourself. Solitude is also useful for thinking and creative work, so being introverted can enhance your other skills.
The ideal way to live is to capture the best of both. To have the social skills of an extrovert with the quiet discipline and peace of mind of an introvert. If you can do that, who cares what a personality test says you are?
Image by B D Solis.
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In fact the first step you mentioned as the simplest is the most difficult of all for introverts: spending time with other people.
However, once you start spending time with like-minded people, the conversations come naturally and the fear of social interaction slowly peters out.
Still, being an introvert myself, I’ve noticed that I find it easy to interact with other people as long as I’m involved in some sort of activity with them, and hence having frequent social meet-ups. But the desire to remain alone comes back when I’ve been with them less often, and the prospect of social interaction makes me nervous again.
Good post all in all. You are right, take the smaller, less intimidating steps first, and you’ll move on to conquer your biggest fear with grace.
Fake it till you make it
and your social confidence comfort zone will grow.
All of the above is great advice, find a group of people with similar interests and show up. And keep showing up until it becomes second nature.
The confidence you will gain in these “safe” situations will spill over into areas of your life where you aren’t so confident.
You don’t have to become an extrovert to take on some of the personality traits that will help you gain more social confidence.
Excellent post! Coincidentally, I spent the last few days agonizing over writing about my own challenge to overcome extreme introversion to become an extreme extrovert — and it literally saved my life. Here is the link: http://shanelyang.com/2008/06/20/how-to-be-an-extrovert/
You do know that there’s a difference between introversion and shyness, right? Introversion is not synonomous with shyness, lack of social confidence or downright social ineptitude. Articles like this just propagate this myth.
I have no problem speaking in public, being in groups, meeting people, or starting a conversation. I have social confidence. AND, I’m very introverted. This doesn’t mean I CAN’T function around people. It means that being around people, especially in large, loud groups, doesn’t energize me the way it does for natural extroverts. Daily alone time is a priority to staying healthy and well rested for me. Sometimes, it means that I turn down invitations to have time alone. I do it politely and with complete confidence that I’m doing what’s best for me.
One thing your article didn’t tell me is WHY I’d want to be more of an extrovert. Really, what’s the big deal? Just because 3/4 of the population are extroverts doesn’t mean we all have to conform to that standard.
Or is it just the shy, social un-confident and /or socially inept that you were hoping to reach? If so, please don’t bring the introverts into it.
Thank you! I was thinking of how to phrase this sentiment, exactly. Being an introvert doesn’t mean that you’re shy, that you don’t know how to interact with people, or what to do in social situations. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being an introvert - maybe extroverts should focus on how to better understand introverts!
Good starting points for becoming more comfortable approaching people. In my own journey I also found that when I got overwhelmed in the “group event” the best thing to do was to step outside for a few minutes, savor the silence, and set in my mind that I was going to go back in and talk to one person, just one, and go from there. The worst thing I could do was to withdraw mentally while still in the room, then I started feeling like a wallflower and my confidence would lag. I also had to learn not to overcompensate by coming on too strong.
Beth made some excellent points. Actually, being with people actually is a lot easier for me since I learned more about what it means to be an introvert. Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney and Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron are must reads.
Again, I don’t think it’s about introverts learning to be extroverts. The two books I cited were a lot more effective for me because they were about honoring one’s introvert nature and learning how to get your introvert needs met in situations that are more suited to extroverts.
I guess I’m what you’d call an “introvert” because it takes me a while to warm up to strangers and start being my true self. What I find helpful is remembering that most people love to talk about themselves. That way, if I can think of a lot of good questions for them, it will be sure to lead to a rich conversation. Usually, they will want to learn more about you too. This can be particularly helpful when I meet a person higher than me in the company and want business advice or something like that.
Thanks for another great post. I thought I was shy, but perhaps I’m introverted. Whatever I’m called, I appreciate the post and will continue to strive to enjoy the benefits of extroversion. I would love to be comfortable with points 1, 2 and 3. I have two parties this weekend so I’ll put your suggestions to use.
For all intorverts read the Introvert Advantage by Marti Laney. http://www.theintrovertadvantage.com/
Introversion is not a bad thing. Why do people think that extroversion is needed to be successful in the world?
Give us an article on how to be introverted and successful, instead of telling us how we should act like something we are not.
“You’ve got to understand you deserve good things in life. Take pride in what you wear and how you look. Walk tall like you deserve to be noticed. Speak with confidence like you deserve to be listened to. And smile like you have a reason to, probably because you do!” (From You’re Worth It)
Why do all (or most) of the commenters feel like they are introverts when they are out here in the social internet environment submitting their opinions?
I find that interesting!
Good post though!
I think this has much to do with self -esteem as well - which leads to personal growth and self improvement…
Miami
Active listening and the ability to express oneself extemporaneously are does not come easy to introverts.
Joining and becoming active in Toastmasters International helped me tremendously in acquiring and honing those and other social skills that I lacked from being an acute introvert.
Very good article, many of us don’t realize how introverted we are, and I say this sitting in front of my laptop in my apartment, when I could be at a coffee shop or somewhere where I have a chance of being social
Attention Extroverts: How to STFU and cope with the fact that not everyone likes you or the way you behave: http://bite.me
I would recommend the book How to Win Friends and Influence people. It gives a lot of great advice on how to talk to people and just being friendly in general.
If you feel like you’re missing out on something by not being extroverted you’re not an introvert. You’re just a mild extrovert.
You made good points in your article, but I don’t believe it’s a matter of introversion v.s. extroversion.
All of the skills you mention–listening,talking, finding social activities you enjoy, and getting outside your comfort zone–are vital for everyone’s success. As Trish points out, so-called introverts can have all these skills too.
I also believe that introversion and shyness are not synonymous. As for enjoying being alone–all successful people need to master this skill too. Solitude is a worthwhile place.
I have also called myself a social introvert. I enjoy talking, listening, and socializing with friends, family, and strangers. But, I know my limit and when I need a little alone time. I don’t fear meeting new people and I believe there is a difference between shyness and introverted.
I find the hardest thing to get across is that socializing can be quite tiring for me and that my choice to spend a little time along is not about rejecting another person, but about recharging my battery, so to speak.
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As an introvert, this is offensive. Introverts do not lack social skills, friends nor lead ‘dull’ lives. This is the kind of ‘pop psychology’ spread over the internet as if it’s the gospel. It isn’t.
Introverts are more self motivated than most people because they use their own point of reference in handling situations, they are not of the ‘herd’ mentality.
Introverts throughout history (Albert Einstein comes to mind) find time spent alone makes them more successful, focused and creative. It isn’t a fear of people, they simply find all the ‘noise’ people tend to call socializing not relevant to their lives.
I agree 100% with you Georjina, I couldn’t have said it better.
I tried spending more time with people lots of times, and the more I did this, the less ‘relevant’ the whole thing seemed to me. I just had better things to do than sitting (or standing) around a few hours talking about dull things and being superficial most of the time. Am I the only one that finds ‘normal’ social behavior so extremely superficial? The only ‘real’ conversations I’ve had, which had a lot of depth and intimacy, were with other introverts…
One of the valid points of this article it that I wish to be a little more talkative. I tend to talk only about serious stuff and am quiet most of the remaining time (about 98%). Unfortunately, no real advice is given here. “Just say what comes into mind”. Yes, very helpful, if that is the exact problem: Nothing comes into mind at that moment. Rated this 2 out of 5.
For anyone who is interested, I recommend “How to Win Friends and Influence People” and also “Psycho-Cybernetics” by Maxwell Maltz, which also addresses this point and gives instructions to remember a time when you *did* feel comfortable and talkative and let that feeling take over you in your ’social’ situation. Sounds technical, but slowly I’m getting better at it.
Julian- Absolutely not- Are you the only one who finds extroverts and social behavior very superficial.
Now, I take no joy in ripping on others, but through my knowledge of Intros/Extros, not just on paper, but in reality, this is what I know to be true. Forgive me for sounding harsh below, and know that I would be more tolerant of extros if we weren’t so unfairly looked down on, for what should at very least be considered acceptable qualities.
I think the word “shallow,” describes extro’s to a “T,” as I don’t think they intend to be superifical. By nature, they are very shallow, lacking any depth at all, depending on their level of extroversion. There is very little, if any, substance to the conversations they hold, or should I call it meaningless chatter, since I think of a conversation as intentive interacting. Of course, some conversation is not meant to be super, or even the least bit weighty, and short remarks are great, but what’s wrong with keeping the heart in it?, which extro’s majorly lack. So, yah, they are pathetically superficial and shallow, and definitely any indepth or meaningful conversation will come from another introvert. Also, we are known as the ones to sit home, away from social settings. Well, I don’t know about you, but this is only true of what is considered social in society. You couldn’t pay me enough for the flighty/shallow interaction of extros, but I relate great to intros, and if that is what society was made up of, we’d be kicking up our heels just like the extros are, but it would not be shallow. Remember, extro’s don’t relate to us any better than we relate to them, but they are the vast majority. I believe if the tables were turned and intro’s were the majority, extro’s would be hit much harder than what we are as the minority, as they are soooo annoying with nothing there. They remind me of a bug;; there and making noise, but annoying.
I can say, I have run across extros that actually did have some depth, but thats not even right because they were a 50/50 ratio of extro/intro.
An interesting mission would be finding an extro with some depth. HaHaHa… Mission impossible! I think I’ll try something a little easier, like maybe finding a pig that flies.
I’ve been reading your blog for a while, and lately I’ve wondered if I should stop. This post made the decision for me. Too many of your articles seem to be about fighting one’s natural tendencies, rather than working with them. Just wanted you to know you’ve lost a regular reader.
The thing is just because you’re introverted doesn’t mean you’re socially inept. This only happens when introverts focus too much on what they’re going to say and feel anxious about it. I’ve found that speaking your mind/asking questions is soooo so so easy to do and 99% extroverts don’t know the difference and are glad to continue the conversation. In fact, if introverts refocus the amount of attention they usually spend on books or whatever it is, and instead become interested in people in the same way, that social fluency will follow. Sometimes introverts are the most charming and socially adept people I know, they’ve just learn how to cater to an extroverted world!
Ignore this post introverts, just be yourselves.
What is wrong with being introverted. Why isn’t there more blogs (if any) on how to become more introverted.
Do you know of anyone who says, “I want to better stifle conversations with people around me?” People don’t say that. Instead they look for ways to be motivated, stay focused, being self-aware etc. This is because being socially fluent isn’t usually considered something to avoid.
Having the self-confidence and skill set to interact with other is a good thing–even if you choose to be alone most of the time. It is a matter of having options available to yourself.
I don’t like this title because implied is that there is something wrong with being introverted - AND there is not!
Your points I do agree with:
1- Find Social Activities you enjoy - more specifically, How to Make Social Activities More Enjoyable. I’m an INTJ. I don’t avoid social activities; I find strategies to maintain my energy, have helpful extrovert friends to make introductions for me and find people who want to engage in more meaningful conversations.
2- Learn The Art of Talking- Caveat: Maintain Your Natural Skill to Listen! A few perfectly crafted questions, a few thought out answers to the same (since some people will likely ask you the same thing you ask them) and more listening than talking and I have found that people connect marvelously. By the way, as an INTJ, I have earned my income since 1990 as a corporate trainer and public speaker. I know how to talk; and I know how to charge up before and after this highly extroverted career.
I do not agree that as introverts we need to BECOME extroverted. Rather learn and practice just a couple to a few skills to manage the social situations your life puts you in; don’t leave any of your introversion behind.
In a world that is so fast paced, not always focused, and gives less thought than may be needed before pouncing into conversations, we have some naturally, hard wired into our brains traits, that adds often overlooked dimensions to relationships.
Praises to your comment, “who cares what a personality test says you are?”
Thank you for the meaningful post.
Patricia Weber,
Sales Coach for Introverts, Shy and Reluctant
http://patriciaweber.blogspot.com
Banal and obvious. If this worked, it would have worked.
What is needed is social engineering that changes the way you think to add a skill, without losing one. A change of perception by concrete, credible, rational explanation of events in different terms that are appealing and accessable to non extroverts.
Simply “A change of story.”
For example “The art of the listening man”, “The time cost of silence”, “Reflecting back what others have said”, “Mirror life”, “Facilitate the discussion”, “Mediate between factions”, “Alter your Ego”, “Take the Helicopter View”, “Help the disenfranchised”,”Be the goto person” etc
The crime is the way that even the term “introversion” is criticism that goes right to the core of who you are and says “you are not good enough”. This is plainly rediculous or evolution would have eradicated this trait millenia ago. Even to defend this trait is to play to this “party line”. As the recession takes hold we will see a return to valuing a more considered, reflective line and the extrovert tendencies will not seem such a panacea.
Wind the barrel organ, dont jump up and down on top (like a journalist.)
I used to be awfully shy. I guess I still consider myself an introvert, depending on the situation. The thing that helped me overcome my shyness, though, was Toastmasters International. It’s a non-profit, worldwide organization that helps people get over their fear of speaking in public (even when “public” consists of only a few people.) This in turn builds confidence in other areas of their lives.
I’d still rather read a book than attend a large party where I’d have to make small talk, but at least when I’m at one of those parties, I no longer cower in a corner, but am at ease walking up to a stranger and striking up a conversation. And I feel comfortable teaching seminars and workshops, something I couldn’t have done previously.
If you think of Toastmasters as a group of stuffy businesspeople giving professional speeches,think again. Most clubs are casual, relaxed, filled with a wide range of ages, careers, cultures, etc, and are usually lots of fun. There’s never any pressure, and you progress at your own pace. Check it out at www.toastmasters.org
Introversion simply means you become tired from prolonged social interaction, it doesn’t mean your social skills are inadequate which this article is confusing introversion with. For some introverts, social interaction becomes very tiring, for example I can only do it for a few hours before I need a 1-3 hr break where I don’t feel like doing anything. What people should note is that the main difference between an introvert and extrovert is in some way their brain is structured. All in all, I do believe it’s possible for an introvert to become an extrovert, but it takes alot of effort and you risk the possibility of burnout.
Introverts will eventually die out through natural selection. Since the most introverted are least likely to reproduce. It will take awhile, but eventually we won’t have discussions like this–except for in a historical context.
This guy has no idea what he is talking about. Kind of funny though.
I think you’ll find it has already happened. The extreme introvert from the 1800s would move where they didn’t interact with anyone else and eventually die without passing on their genes.
Consider this. Lets say we put people into two categories. Those who have gone 5 years without contact with another human and those who haven’t. Do you think the percentage of people without human contact was higher in the year 1100, 1600, 1800, or 2000?
If you think there is a higher percentage now than in the past, then I’m wrong. If not, then you should consider the possibility that natural selection will get rid of introverts.
Of course it is all relative and we will always have people who are slightly more introverted than others, but on a non-relative scale introversion is going away.
“Introverts will eventually die out through natural selection…”
What do you base this theory on, John Graham? It sounds like nonsense and shows a complete misunderstanding for what introversion is to me.
As DubID said, they would rather stay at home than attend a large party. If introverts are even slightly less happy to attend events where they are likely to see more people, then their chance of reproducing goes down as well because that follows from social interaction (well in most cases).
If you are less likely to reproduce even if you are only 1% less likely than the average of humanity as a whole, then over time your genes will disappear relative to the genes of people who thrive on meeting others.
You only need to meet one person to go home and make babies. No large parties required. Plus you forget about the brilliant and wealthy introverts who have their choice of making numerous sexual partners.
But who makes more babies introverts or extroverts. Consider people who have more than 20 offspring, do you really think they are a 50/50 split between introverts and extroverts?
Clarification: 50/50 split in the people doing the reproducing.
“It’s an unfortunate Catch-22 that can stall self improvement.”
How exactly is becoming more extroverted an “improvement?” I feel no need to “improve” myself by talking to more people. Introverts don’t need to “improve” themselves. Maybe extroverts should improve themselves by sitting down and zipping their lips for a bit! That would be an improvement as far as I’m concerned.
Someone who is totally introverted is going to accomplish very little because they will only be able to do what a single person can do. Someone who is extroverted will be able to better make use of other’s accomplishments to improve their own results.
Now someone who is a complete social butterfly is likely to accomplish very little as well, but I’m sure you can see that overall someone who interacts well with others is going to have potential that goes well beyond someone who can’t interact with other people.
Look at geniuses in history and try to find someone who was a complete introvert–someone who didn’t interact with anyone else. I think you will have a hard time finding such a person who accomplished anything worthwhile. Even people who were considered to be introverts (Kurt Godel, etc.) had social networks of people that interacted with.
I believe the Nazi’s experimented with raising children without human interaction–which is what would be considered complete introversion. The babies died even though their physical needs were met.
I would be very interested in seeing a study that compares how long introverts live as compared with others. I think they probably have a shorter life span.
Trish is correct. Introversion is not shyness, they are not synonymous terms. Introversion cannot be changed, it is a temperament. Extroverts can also lack social confidence and skills.
I am an introvert, but I am also shy, so I find this article helpful. It’s true, that if you’re introverted you are not that motivated to meet people. Shy and introverted is very difficult to deal with. I’d love to see more articles addressing this dilemma.
Actually, I would love to learn how to be a more confident introvert.
my problem is my wife is an extrovert and I’m an introvert. So when we are in a social setting she smothers me with her confidence. All the focus of conversation is towards her. She is involved with everything, because its so easy for her, so everyone knows her and I feel like a loser tagging along. Is any other man in a situation like this? At this time of year its even worse(Christmas) because there are so many parties, etc.