Often the greatest obstacles to personal growth are deeply rooted misconceptions. False beliefs about wealth, personal relationships, and the nature of success can hold you back for years.
Several months ago Steve Olson published a list of 10 things he wishes he’d never believed. My favorites from his list:
- Money is the root of all evil.
- Getting a good job is the best way to earn money.
- Admitting a mistake is a sign of weakness.
It’s an amazing moment when you realize that something you’ve believed your whole life simply isn’t true. It’s also incredibly liberating to overcome the false beliefs that have been holding you back.
In an effort to expose as many harmful misconceptions as possible, I ask the readers: What do you wish you had never believed?
Leave your answers in the comments and I’ll compile the results into an article. Hopefully we can open up some eyes.
I wish that I didn’t believe that going to college will guarantee you a job. I left school after 4 years (never did graduate), and yet I’m doing something that I love and making a very good paycheck. Some of my friends who thought that a degree was an instant ticket to a good paying job have struggled making less than $20K (and they’re now over 40 years of age.)
I wish that I didn’t believe that it would be good to have a good education to “rely” on. Don’t let school stand in your way of learning =)
I wish I didn’t believe that:
1) You have to be born a mathematical genius to do well in math class
2) You DON’T have to be a born genius to do well in English class without extra help
3) High school subjects are strictly for people 14+
Of course, all of this reflects my current educational status (I’m still attending school, soon due to graduate). The thing is, society leads us to respect “educated” people far far more than is reasonable. To semi-paraphrase what someone once said, the main thing that separates the academics from the masses is (a) reading, (b), lots more reading, and (c) knowing a couple dozen of pedantic terms, coupled with some test situation strategies.
When I look at my English course outline, I’m simultaneously angry, frustrated, and annoyed, though mostly at myself. Why did I never think to pick up a “grown-up” textbook and “educate” myself so I could jump ahead? Many things that are all of a sudden shoved down the gullets of students (in-class essays in the vein of “Analyze the literary technique that this author uses to characterize this character,” etc.), starting from high school, are not particularly abstruse concepts. All you need to do well is prior knowledge of a few scary-sounding words and how to respond with similarly scary-sounding words.
It is perfectly ridiculous how we hold kids back until Ninth Grade or so, when we suddenly start expecting them to expound at length in pedantic language on narrative techniques or whatever without telling them what narrative techniques are exactly.
But I haven’t explained my thoughts on mathematics yet. The truth is, math is simply an abstract universe with lots and lots of rules/logic to govern it. If only that is what is told to us when we start, instead of “Let’s learn to count, kids!”
Which shows me how wrong I am for trusting the system for so long. Which leads me to a final “I wish I never believed” thought: I wish I never believed that I need to have a degree to have an opinion of my own.
That any person or organization is qualified to tell others what beliefs they should have and/or what choices they should make.
Guidance can be extremely helpful, but to believe that giving your freedom of will to another to make your choices for you, in any form whatsoever, large or small, causes great harm to the individual.
I wish I never believed that it’s ok to let any one person tell you right from wrong. I’ve had to drop some false beliefs because I listen too much.
Thanks everyone for the great response so far. I’m really looking forward to compiling them all.
John,
Thanks for the link up. I’m loving the traffic. You’ve done great things with this site.
That I would die if I swam in the sea – since being a kid I have been afraid of swimming in a pool or the sea. My breast stroke consisted of me pushing my head so far out of the water that it sometimes looked like I was doing back stroke! I hated to get my face in the water, I’d gag and panic.
Last year my husband learnt to scuba dive. I was jealous and had a good think about why I was afraid – and why I believed it was scary. I realised I had been “given” a belief that wasn’t right for me anymore and that I could decide to change that belief.
I’m now an advanced Scuba diver and I’m just about to do my rescue scuba divers course.
Here are some photos of me diving – http://www.nativespain.com/sciving-almer
Debs
http://www.nativespain.com
The lesson that I still am learning (and dealing with) is that no one in a work environment can tell you how to live, only how to please them or how to exist in that environment their way. No employee review, closed door meeting, or “off the record” discussion to some other person will help that person succeed, avoid career errors, or help the company at large if the advice isn’t based on that person, their personality, and the true background of the situations they work with. Too often, selfish advice is given to others, damaging trust, producing more crises, and ending in more bad advice.
The best way to fight this is to read and question your beliefs before ever trying to guide others. If you don’t know what you do what you do, passing that on to others is only caustic. And if others offer advice, you need to understand (via honest observation) why they believe it and how it might be used, even if that application does not match the original purpose. Trust other but be skeptical of their purpose, especially when they say “its for your own good”.
That’s great, Steve. I’m glad people are heading over to reader the whole post. I loved that article.
I wish I’d never believed that (as a woman) you had to be a certain size or look one particular way to be attractive. I wish I’d known 15 years ago that attractiveness comes in all shapes and sizes and that a smile really is the sexiest thing you can wear.
I wished I had never believed that the only way to respect a woman was to put her up on a pedestal. It took me twenty years to figure out the best way to treat them is as equals. I thought they would like me if I treated them as “Lady” and they did, but they never respected me, because behind it all, I think they could sense that I either didn’t truly respect them or myself.
I still open doors for women, but I open them for men too, just to be polite. But as for women, it is eye to eye from now on.
I wish I’d never believed that a teacher has ultimate authority. The only person you are ever really responsible to is yourself.
I wish that I had never believed that hard work, loyalty and dedication to a company would pay off in the long run. It doesn’t.
I wish I hadn’t believed that just because I was rubbish at team sport in school I was therefore rubbish at sport overall.
I wish somebody (a teacher?) had introduced me to the concept of ‘personal best’ when I was being put off exercise by constantly being the one that nobody wanted on their team. If somebody had taught me that although I’m never going to be a great sportsplayer I could make small and consistent improvements on my own performance which would, in turn, improve my performance against my school colleagues that would have been a valuable lesson.
Not only would it have served to encourage me to keep involved in exercise and kept me fit, lean and keen (instead of only in the last few years coming back to it) the idea of ‘personal best’ improvements would have carried over to other aspects of life as well.
Second thing I wish I’d never believed: that people didn’t really want to know me and would not want to keep in touch unless they had to. Learnt this one at school. Really, really, really wish I’d not learnt it or learnt the reality sooner than the last 3-4 years. Now I have a wide circle of friends. I just wish I’d been able to build such friendships over the past 15 or more years.
This is an excellent thought provoking thread!
I wish that I’d never accepted anyone’s evaluation of my talents or intelligence. All that it accomplished was to limit myself and close off opportunities. It’s taken a lifetime to undo the well intentioned thoughts of people who I thought mattered.
On second thought, the journey to get to where I am now has been fun and rewarding so what do I know….
T: You said “abstruse” instead of “obtuse”! You win at the intermets! I’m so sick of re-parsing sentences that contain the word “obtuse” in them in the wrong context!
*tears of joy*
I’ve been online far too long, methinks…
When I was a kid, I believed adults knew what they were doing.
Not until my mid 20s did I fully realize that most of what people told me was total bullshit.
this may sound small, but – honor your own sense of ‘fun’… I did so many things as a kid that were supposed to be fun for me, which I really did not like. I felt it was expected that I conform.
“You have to be more balanced.” No one will ever be a perfect schmorigishboard of a person, able to do and be a little of everything. That’s what everybody else is for, to compliment you.
Do what you do. Be what you be!
I wish that I’d never believed it was okay to love someone more than I loved myself. I wish that I’d never believed I could control/speed up the process of healing.
What I believe now: things take time
I wish I had never “believed” anything! At this stage in my life, I can say that I suspect (but can’t prove) some things, and I know other things to be true, and I hope for many other things, but belief is, in my opinion, destructive, because it implies that you expect an outcome or know a truth without any evidence or facts to back it up.
I don’t know if I want to admit to myself what I wished I never believed in. I think I’ve already made life hollow enough.
I wish I never believed that my parents were the ultimate authority on religion, morals, conservative or liberal viewpoints, what the measure of success was, what the right type of personality was. It has taken me almost 30 years to realize that just because my ideas are different from their ideas it doesn’t mean my ideas are wrong. After 10 years of living away from home, I can finally allow myself to be the person I am and embrace my own ideas.
I wish I never believed that working hard to pay your bills and staying long term at a job that has good benefits would help you move up in the company. Mine was bought by another, and by job was eliminated. I was demoted, and have had my integrity walked all over so many times that my soul became numb, my body weakened and I dreaded going to work. Be sure you save enough money to be able to live on, in case your job becomes unbearable and you need to move on. We all have choices. Find your passion. Get the right skills, so you can move on to a better situation, without feeling imprisoned by the current one.
Great question and answers.
I wish I never believed that I am who I am when in fact there is an incredible freedom in how much you can shape yourself.
That joy and happiness are found outside of me in some person, place, or thing(s).
That, in a relationship, man & woman should be ‘equal’: women want a man – not some other ‘equal’ person – for that they have their (female) friends.
http://drhassen.blogspot.com/search?q=i+wish+i+knew
… had a similar thought….
I’ve been struggling, though, with things I wish I knew at 30.
That I wasn’t “good enough.”
That I couldn’t be anything I made my mind up to be!
That I wasn’t the most important person in the world to me!
That in order to be my absolute best, I always have to be the most important person to me and only me.
If I am the most important person in the world to someone else; that relationship is unbalanced and destined to failure.
I wish I never believed in the idea of a “perfect” match or a soul mate.
I wish I never believed that it is not okay to argue with figures of authority.
I wish I never believed that it is okay to lie to me.
I wish I had never believed:
1. That women are rational
2. That women want a caring and nice guy
3. That God exists
4. That trying harder at anything will bring success
5. That everyone is equal
6. That I should suppress my power and energy in order to be polite.
7. That I can influence politics or any such grandiose issue, and therefore should worry about it
8. That things will go well without my making them go well.
9. That letting life dictate your direction will work out fine.
Trevor, #6 is a great one! #1, though I’m not so sure about…
I wish I had never believed that college was only for snobby, misguided goody-goodys, and that I didn’t need it to make my way in the world. Well I made my way without a degree but I am still dirt poor, floundering and directionless 20 years later.
I also wish I had never believed women to be inferior, as my Dad liked to point out. I am definitely over that one!
Erin – Heh. I am speaking from a guy’s perspective, obviously. Women have their rational moments, but generally don’t act the way we would expect based on pure logic. Many guys (including my _former_ self) interact with women based on primarily logical thinking, and this does _not_ usually work out well in the end.
As an example, one need merely think of the classic “Am I fat?” problem. A guy’s natural inclination is simply to look at the woman, analyze how fat she is, and respond accordingly: “Well, for the most part you’re not fat, but you butt is a bit pudgier than the other parts.” I think you know what happens next. >:O
Women and men most definitely think and act in vastly different ways, and for vastly different reasons.
I think this is one of the hardest aspects of life to figure out, because we can’t ever experience what it’s like to be the other sex – it’s therefore extremely tough to see things from the other sex’s perspective…
Regarding #6, this is related to my realizing my true nature as a man, and not avoiding expressing my power for fear of being overwhelming. Men need to engage their sexual and primal energy, and channel it into their everyday interactions without fear that simply being strong will offend. Some never have a problem with this, while I believe the more intellectual of us attempt to suppress ourselves at some point.
I wish I never belived that to be accepted by those I love, I needed to be the way they wanted me to be. In truth, they needed to accept and love just as I am-as I now love and accept myself as I am, with all my faults.
@Trevor: 1 and 2, for real?
http://www.heartlessbitches.com/rants/niceguys/ng.shtml
1. That anyone has any answers.
2. That life is more than this moment.
3. That we aren’t all just playing grown-up.
4. That God exists.
5. That we need “fixing”.
6. That there is any benefit to religion whatsoever.
Though I personally don’t really regret believing any of those things; after all, it’s just how so many of us are raised. What’s sad is choosing to stick with those beliefs when deep down you know them to be false.
Trevor: a long comment, you really got me thinking!
On number one: women aren’t rational. I would suggest that women are perfectly rational, they just (often) value different things to men. To take the opposite example to the “am I fat” question – perhaps my boyfriend might say to me one day “I’m nervous about this big presentation, do you think I’ll do OK?” Now, by your example of what it means to be “rational”, I’d have to logically weigh up his chances and say something like “well you know, you did fluff that important meeting a few months ago, and you haven’t done as much preparation as you could have – yeah, I’d say the chances of this presentation going OK are only 60% at best.”
Would I say that? No. Not because I’m not capable of rationally making that assessment, but because I _rationally_ look at the different outcomes of the different responses I could make. (It’s strategic thinking, just like chess
) On the one hand, a cold, clinical, detached response: which might give him facts to work with like, “do more preparation next time” or “don’t expect a good outcome”. On the other hand, a less detached response such as “you’re great at making presentations, look at what you did with x project last week. And these clients have really warmed to you.” The results of which are that he would feel supported, encouraged, relaxed, and confident (and probably do a better job).
I think that’s a pretty rational decision to make. Women aren’t crazy, irrational creatures who do things for no logical reason. The point is that I put greater value on the way my words will make the person feel, and less value on giving a clinical assessment.
On point two: I’ve heard this thing about how “women don’t want a nice guy” before and it always puzzles me. I have lots of girlfriends, they’ve all married really nice guys, putting kindness, gentleness and dependability ahead of looks or money or “coolness”. The only explanation I can think of is that this comment is made by men who think women are all pretty much the same. That is, who cannot tell the difference between a “nice girl” and a “not-so-nice girl”.
Basically, nice people want to meet, date and marry other nice people. Kind people value kindness in others, thoughtful people value thoughtfulness in others, and so on. But NOT ALL GIRLS ARE NICE PEOPLE. Some are, some aren’t. If you’re looking for a kind, sweet girl then you’ll find they’re (we’re
) all over the place. But if you’re picking your dates purely based on eg hotness, you are likely to meet quite a number who aren’t such pleasant people.
There will always be superficial people in the world. People who value those very surface things more than anything else: money, looks, possessions, “coolness”. There are guys who only date models, there are girls who only date millionaires. Fine, let them have each other – the things they think are valuable aren’t going to be keeping them soul-nourished for the next 50 years.
If you meet a girl, think you’re getting on great, and then she throws you over for some guy with a flashy car and a mean attitude… she was never what you thought she was. If you keep having this problem, get yourself a couple of good female-friends (try the wives of your guy-friends) and ask their opinions of the girls you’re hanging out with. [Ask them for their real opinion, not their kind opinion
]
If I may also suggest, you might find yourself in a few years time wishing you never believed that all women are the same, or that one or two rules can teach you how to relate to women.
For the longest time I was convinced that I was not smart. I avoided any college class that everyone said was difficult. That false belief led me to spend 5 years at the community college. One day I decided to give difficult subjects my best effort and guess what happened! I did very well! With my new found confidence I complete my MBA with a 3.72 GPA.
Alicia and Trevor, I think the crux of the “nice guys” bit is that often the “nice guys” aren’t really that “nice”. They mistake being passive for being nice, they mistake being overly flexible for being nice, they mistake abundant sacrifices for being nice. When a man can’t stand up for himself, and instead hides behind the “nice” argument, it is unattractive. It’s hard to respect someone who doesn’t even respect themselves.
I wish I had never believed that anything worth doing was worth doing (perfectly) right. There were many opportunities that I did not accept because I did not believe I could meet the impossible standards I I believed were right for me.
I’ve been writing and thinking a lot about my perfection disorder recently. It still lurks in the shadows ready to reassert its hold on my life.
I live a better life when I replace perfection with good enough.
The often misquoted “money is the root of all evil” is actually, “The love of money is the root of all evil”. It’s not the money thats inherently bad, but the place it has in our life and our love for it. Check your sources and it will change your views!
I gotta say something about nice guys. There’s a difference between a man who treats you well and with respect and man who is afraid and a doormat. Oh and you can treat a woman with respect like opening doors without making her feel helpless.
I like opening doors for men and I’ve gotten quite a few thank yous for that. No I don’t think that a man has to open the door first. I think its whoever thinks and acts first. I also think there are lots of feminazis out there who ruin things for good people.
Oh and also, a guy shouldn’t just be passive, that gets boring. You want to challenge each other in relationships. Same with girls. Passive is boring on both ends.
I think women are rational but they are caught up in silly things just like guys are.
As for me. I wish that I had never believed in god, ever. I’m 24 now and yeah I got out of it at an early age than most but a part of me wishes that I wouldn’t have wasted that time and energy and faith.