Failed relationships are one of the biggest causes of stress and unhappiness in life. Working on successful relationships, whether they are with our children, parents, friends or partners, is one of the most important life skills we can learn. If we cannot maintain lasting relationships, we will always struggle to be happy.
This article looks at seven common reasons why once harmonious relationships break down. If we know why relationships are liable to break down we can avoid the pain involved.
Jealousy
It is ironic that we can easily become jealous of our closest friends. Jealousy often occurs when there is a feeling of separation and competition. We need to learn to be happy at the success of others; it only when we can feel a sense of oneness with others achievements that jealousy will remain far away.
Also, we need to trust our partner - a suspicious mind is very poisonous. It is better to be trusting rather always suspecting infidelity or disloyalty. Others will be rightly discomforted if we mistrust them. If our partner lets us down, it is not our fault. But, if we suspect, because of our own insecurity, we are bound to create serious problems in our own relationships.
Attachment
There is a big difference between real love and emotional attachment. When we have emotional attachment to someone, we need their attention and presence. When we have excessive attachment to others, we can easily become jealous and demanding. Often attachment occurs out of a sense of insecurity; if this is the case we need to develop self belief and inner confidence, we can’t just rely on other people to provide that. Strong relationships need a certain detachment; we need to be able to accept others for what they are, rather than expecting them to give us all their attention.
Domination
Even the closest relationships need to value the individual freedom of others. Problems will inevitably occur when we seek to dominate others. Often this takes the form of expectation. We want our son to become a certain person; we want our wife to live in a certain way.
Often people don’t realize how dominating they are. Parents justify to themselves the idea that they ‘only want the best for their children’ But, actually what they are doing is trying to live through their children. Nobody has the right to tell someone how they must live. If relationships are based on this expectation and domination, there will inevitably be conflict at some stage. The strongest relationships are based on mutual understanding and remain free of expectation.
Selfishness
Selfishness is the root of all relationship problems. When we are selfish we think of ourselves first and foremost. We ignore the needs of others and become ego centric. Ego centric people are never easy to live with; they tend to be a drain on relationships. When we are selfish we want the praise, support and backing of others; but, we are not willing to give anything in return.
True love is selfless, it is given without expectation of receiving anything in return. If we love our self the most, we will always struggle with relationships. Take time to listen to others rather than dominating the conversation; be giving rather than being permanently needy.
No Time
We have to spend time on what we value. If we always work late, it shows where our priorities lie. If we spend no time with our partner then they will begin to feel resentful / unloved. We can always make time for things we really value; make sure your relationships don’t suffer because you have given your life away to your boss. Also, make sure you create time when your partner is the focus of attention; do things that they enjoy doing, and don’t just drag them along to your office parties.
Too Much Time
It does depends on the personality of the people involved; but some people, especially introverts, need time to themselves. If we are always with other people, the relationship can become claustrophobic. We need time to ourselves; strong relationships should be able to deal with periods of separation. This allows individual expression and individual growth.
Picking Faults
Whoever we spend time with will undoubtedly have faults. Successful relationships require a certain tolerance of others’ weaknesses. If we keep picking up on the faults of over people, expecting them to change, we create permanent tension. For example, your partner or friend may not share your judgement that they are faults. This does not mean we have to ignore when others do wrong things.
A strong relationship should be able to cope with constructive criticism and suggestions. However, we need to make sure we don’t become obsessed with noticing bad things. Rather than remembering all the bad things your partner does, make yourself think of some of the good things that they have been doing. Unfortunately, humans often seem attracted to noticing the faults of others, but, it doesn’t help relationships to do this. If you become too critical it will cause long term problems.
Tejvan Pettinger lives in Oxford where he writes on issues of self improvement and self development. He updates a blog Sri Chinmoy Inspiration. Recent blog posts include Changing Yourself by Accepting Yourself.
Image by Slatki
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All of it can be boiled down to not enough communication. We all have friction, it’s how we sort it out that’s important.
I agree with Writer Dad. Communication is key. Relationships are really about your expectations. Too many people get caught up in what they expect things to be like. Sometimes, in a relationship, you need to understand that what you expect is not what HAS to happen. At least I do :).
Communicating, not only with others, but with yourself to sort out your expectations is also important in mho.
http://yinvsyang.com/
Communication is the surface manifestation of our underlying attitudes about how people should be treated: how they should treat us and how we should treat them. Here are “30 Statements for Great Relationships” that speak to both improved communication skills and the underlying attitude issues: http://shanelyang.com/2008/04/15/30-statements-for-great-relationships/
great post- the thing that has been a struggle for me is finding a balance between work and relationship. When I first started working for a new company, I was spending more time working on work than on my relationship and it began to show very quickly. I needed to sit down and re-prioritize my life so that I wouldn’t make a mistake I’d come to regret later. I have to remind myself sometimes that I work to live-not live to work. As you stated earlier, if we cannot maintain lasting relationships, we’ll probably wind up being miserable.
great article
“When you love someone, you love the whole person, as they are, and not as you’d like them to be.” – Leo Tolstoy
Love the post. I think that friendship is the foundation to any relationship. To stay friends you need to spend time together and communicate. Otherwise the relationship will not last as it does not have a strong foundation.
Dear Tejvan,
Thank you for your work in illuminating our consciousness with your wisdom. Keep writing and revealing truth.
Relationship is the expression and reflection of Divinity in our selves and others. Our unbounded highest Self curving back on itself is simply our relationship with Pure Being, and why we’re here on earth. I find this relationship in meditation. In deep stillness, I have God’s attention, and I can relate to All That Is. As I sink deeply into the Ground of Being, I experience a deep, abiding peace, and I become aware of a field that nurtures and supports all of creation, beyond space and time. It is unbounded, all knowing, omnipresent and everywhere all at once. Its basic essence is love.
This love is reflected in my 25 year marriage. It’s a love that is caring and supportive without being judgmental and colored by a life of devotion and service. I always say, “a healthy me is a healthy we.” Therefore, I strive to be the best I can be. Not for me, but for my wife, because she deserves the best of me.
I am aware of the divinity in others. All my relationships deserve my most highest and reverent attention. This love and attention is a recognition and acknowledgment of the presences of God inside us all. This awareness turns into a deep abiding compassion for all creation. It brings peace and freedom from fear, knowing that all is as it should be, and that life is temporal and illusory. In meditation, I am fearless and I immerse myself into All That Is. This, is my ultimate relationship.
Ken LaDeroute
www.AffirmationPower.com
The issues in the article apply to more than relationships. They apply to anything we deem a worthy goal. Priorities, communication, and follow-through make for good relationships and good growth.
Yaa above points affect relationships, in that some of points like to highlight that for children they don’t know about what right & wrong they are doing, they does as per their knowledge or around what they find, so elders should guide them towards right things else they may move towards wrong path. One more thing that some of the mistake we can ignore but some are very critical so we have to take care about that mistake & warn or prepare partner not to make that mistake. Some times we need to be selffish when it required that if we not become selffish than we lose much more things which may not recover or becoming selffish leads good for all
I have been in relationships dominated by some (or all) of these challenges. I think most people find it easier to slide into one of these rather than kill the ego, step outside our heads and communicate clearly and openly.
OMG so true…
Very succinct. So often, these types of posts are nothing but self-serving, sappy, psycho-babble, but you’ve really hit these right on the head. Now, if everyone who wasted money on every new “guru’s” latest book would just read this, the world would be a better place.
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