5 Steps to an Effective Apology

Written by Tom O Leary - 44 Comments
Categories: self improvement


The Japanese have a word “Gomenasai” that is roughly equivalent to the English word “sorry”. It’s used to apologize when you harm or offend someone. The word implies humility (Sorry to disturb you…Sorry for coming into your house), but it’s also used as a way to avoid guilt. Someone will say sorry just seconds before they ram the back of your legs with a shopping trolley. Another will mouth the word as they rudely cut you off with their car. Even my two year old daughter has learned to say “Gomenasai” just before she twists my nose or pokes my eye. This is how people use apologies every day, except perhaps more blatant.

How can apologies be so valuable but so misused?

Genuine apology is an unfashionable concept. With humility and one way service it’s among the least popular traits in our advanced culture. Nonetheless, it’s a vital part of life that’s indispensable in building strong relationships.

What then, is an apology? In its simplest form, an apology is taking responsibility for a disturbance in a relationship. These insincere apologies imply nothing about your attitude towards the disturbance you are taking responsibility for. A useful apology always acknowledges that you regret your part in the disturbance and are trying to stop or reverse its occurrence.

An apology is not just a tool to make peace. It’s not another way of saying “Get off my back”. It’s not a way of introducing harm, “sorry but I am going to have to divorce you”. It’s not a tool to manipulate others.

When should you apologize? Whenever there is a break in a relationship. No matter what the issue, there will usually be a part, even a small part, that was your responsibility. For this you should apologize. Realizing that a disturbance is your responsibility is a giant step towards emotional maturity.

But WHEN should you apologize? As soon as possible. Depending on the relationship this may be immediately or when you’ve cooled off after a few days. It is our responsibility to take the initiative to apologize. If you wait for the other party to come to you, you may be waiting forever. It takes boldness and integrity to make the first step. Never let an apology swing on timidness or lack of confidence.

A genuine apology is not a habitual apologetic mannerism. It is a deliberate effort to solve a relational problem that you have contributed to. This requires of discipline. Believe me because I know from experience.

I struggle with apologies as much as the next person. I find it’s usually the hardest when the relationship is particularly important to me, like my direct family. When I’m in the wrong, I will try anything I can think of, short of apologizing, to try and solve the problem.

Sooner or later, though, I have to swallow my pride and apologize. It should be no surprise but usually my apology contributes to healing a damaged relationship. Often the relationship ends up stronger than ever. Apology is one of the toughest but most productive habits that I am trying to adopt. We all need to sharpen up our apology sense.

There was, and still is, an Australian Prime Minister who refused to say sorry to the Australian Aboriginal people for crimes against them in the past. This isn’t a political article so I won’t go into details, but it appears the main reason that he wouldn’t publicly apologize on behalf of our country was that he was afraid of the backlash. He feared an apology would mean admitting guilt and that this would fuel the disturbance rather than remedy it.

This sort of attitude is all too prevalent in our society. We no longer trust each other. We realize that if we apologize, we’re admitting guilt. If we admit guilt it can be used against us. This may be true in a legal sense — I have held car insurance policies that are void if I admit guilt or apologize at the scene of a potential accident — but it is totally wrong in a relational sense.

We have to get past the paranoia that makes us believe that everyone will try to use an apology against us. There will be times when an apology is abused, but more often than not, a genuine apology will be well received and will go a long way towards solving a disturbance between two people.

How to apologize:

  1. Make it genuine – Anyone can spot a false apology and it will do more harm than good. A genuine apology is aimed solely at taking responsibility and overcoming a disturbance. There are no hidden obligations or expectations attached.
  2. Don’t justify your actions – If you are busy explaining why you did what you did, it will start to sound like you aren’t apologizing at all, that you aren’t ready to take responsibility. A brief explanation may help understanding, while a justification may just fuel the disturbance.
  3. Make a commitment to change – If you can’t confirm that you mean to improve, then you aren’t committed to an apology. If you aren’t committed to changing your habit of getting home late, don’t say “Sorry I am home late”. This will be a hollow and ineffective apology. You are better off thanking the other person, “Thanks for putting up with me coming home so late. I appreciate it” and taking it from there.
  4. Phrased you apology carefully – Make sure the other person knows why you are apologizing. “I was passing by so I thought I’d drop in and say sorry” is a lot different to “I wanted to come and apologize because I really do care about this relationship”. Don’t fake it. If you have a good reason to keep the relationship alive the other person will want to hear it.
  5. Be prepared for an awkward conclusion – While sometimes an apology is followed straight away by a counter apology and peace and flowers and little birds carrying banners of love through the air, not everyone reacts this way. Some people will behave indifferently, some will behave coldly, and some will react in a downright hostile way. This is out of your control. You have made the step to apologize. Doing it in a productive way is the best you can do. Maybe the other person will appreciate it now, later, or never. No matter what, you have done your bit and you can relax. The rest is up to them.

Who do you need to apologize to today?

This article was written by Tom O’Leary from www.LifeGoalAction.com. His site is loaded with effectivity tools that help people make the most of their finest asset…their lives. Head there now if you want to kick your personal progress into hyper-drive.

  • http://positivesharing.com Alexander Kjerulf

    And may I add:
    6: Apologize quickly. The longer you wait, the more difficult it gets :o )

  • http://www.pickthebrain.com John Wesley

    I agree. Great addition, Alex.

  • http://blog.potterzot.com/ Own Your Own Decisions

    This is timely advice for me. I am writing an article about decisions that are made during relationship fights, and the importance of taking responsibility for the issue is paramount. My big question right now though is at what point you should take responsibility. What if you are not the cause of the issue? Is it more mature to stand up for what you believe in or to apologize?

  • http://www.pickthebrain.com John Wesley

    That’s a difficult question to answer. It probably depends on the context, but as the article says there is usually at least part of the problem you are responsible for.

    Although it might hurt one’s pride to apologize when someone else is in the wrong as well, it will still help resolve the dispute more quickly.

  • http://www.onlinecashwithharveen.com Harveen

    Its a wonderful quality to step up and take initiative to apologize. It seems a lot of people never seem to see or understand their part, the entire blame in put upon you, unfairly. How does one get through to someone like that?

  • http://www.light2u.blogspot.com Pam

    Thanks for this….working on an apology as I speak…this will be useful. I will give my feedback to you and my own readers once the deed is done – Great info!

    Pam Goulah
    http://www.light2u.blogspot.com

  • http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/how-to-learn-from-mistakes/ How to Learn From Mistakes

    [...] is more effective to apologize in person, rather than through a curt email. However, once you have apologised, it is mistake to repeatedly [...]

  • Jessica

    I really need this advice, and thanks! I did want to apologize to someone, and thanks again.

  • http://chanroeun.wordpress.com/2008/11/25/how-to-learn-from-mistakes/ How to Learn from Mistakes « Chanroeun *ច័ន្ទរឿន*

    [...] is more effective to apologize in person, rather than through a curt email. However, once you have apologised, it is mistake to repeatedly [...]

  • fici gone

    you didn’t give me real example.send me an apology mail.

    Thanks.

  • me

    thanks. im like taking notes on this. youre smart and this is good advice. im trying to fix a relationship that i care so much about and i hope this helps…

  • Susie

    thanks.. i realized its easier to apologize quicky.. because as time goes on it gets harder and harder. And i believe apologizing in person is the best way to go.

  • gio

    Right now I’m in a big mess…i hope this will help me. What if they don’t want to talk, or listen? would it be best to let them be? i really don’t want to make it worse…

  • http://johnsoriano.wordpress.com/2009/10/27/have-you-apologized-lately/ Have you apologized lately? « PR Resolutions

    [...] how should we apologize? According to Tom O Leary there are five steps to an effective apology. I think his steps work really [...]

  • http://johnsoriano.wordpress.com/2009/11/02/was-pepsis-apology-effective/ Was Pepsi’s Apology Effective? « PR Resolutions

    [...] evaluate the effectiveness of Pepsi’s apology according to Tom O Leary’s five steps to an effective apology. I think that his steps are a great way to determine the effectiveness of an [...]

  • Once Wrong

    I love this article completely, what’s behind an apology is as important if not more than how, when or where it was given. My friend received the nicest apology from someone she knew on the web at oops im sorry. It was obviously sincere and the fact that it was posted publicly took courage. She accepted the apology with the same sincerity it was given … all better :)

  • http://johnsoriano.wordpress.com/2009/12/24/would-you-accept-tiger-woods-apology/ Would You Accept Tiger Woods Apology? « PR Resolutions

    [...] evaluating the effectiveness of his apology according to Tom O Leary’s five steps to an effective apology,  I noticed that Woods did take responsibility for his actions and he did not try to justify his [...]

  • Mr Data

    Yay image link works so good night.

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    May I tell you that I am enriched with this wonderful information. Nice info.

  • tiny

    well thats true but when youre sorry you have to mean it and truely show that you are going to show it and explain by how youre going to change and also sit down with her/him or go on a date or something with the other person just dont aplogize at their house or a party or whatever you show to them how much you really care about them well i guess im done here peace ~1~

  • http://www.perilouslyprecocious.com/sweeping-the-cobwebs Perilously Precocious » Blog Archive » Sweeping the Cobwebs

    [...] That being said, I want you to read 5 Steps To An Effective Apology. [...]

  • Ty

    My wife thinks that if she says sorry its for her. She thinks that the sorry is to make her feel better not the other person.I think if you are saying sorry to a person it is to make them feel better. I told her she should not have pride with me Im her husband or to let her ego go.

  • Ty

    Can someone tell me who the apology for. Is it to make your self feel better or the other person. I told my wife that I was sorry for the thing that I done. I know I was wrong and it told her. That was not to make me feel better it was to let her know that I can see the pain that I did to her. saying sorry to her didnt make me feel better iwas still sorry for what i did. I just wanted her to know that I took responsibility for what I did.

  • http://portal.psz.utm.my/blog/?p=619 UTM Library » How to Learn from Mistakes..

    [...] is more effective to apologize in person, rather than through a curt email. However, once you have apologised, it is mistake to repeatedly [...]

  • http://aesthetichealingmindset.wordpress.com/2010/12/17/how-to-apologize/ HOW TO APOLOGIZE « Aesthetichealingmindset's Blog
  • levin

    I agree with Alexander Kjerulf

    “6: Apologize quickly. The longer you wait, the more difficult it gets.”

  • Joe

    is a week too late to apologize?

  • aven

    Thanks alot,

    #2 was really helpful, it is something I tend to do and I should really stop.

  • Bob

    Yes if it’s your girlfriend/boyfriend and for a friend it depends on what you or the other person did to make them mad

  • jalil

    this really helped because i ahd a situation with my friend and i apologized to her adn i thought i did it wrong and turns out i did it right and now because it was an akaward conclusion and she didnt really say nothin i no i did my part so thnks cuz i needed that

  • Suzan

    i am going to use this in a situation where my joke\lie about the loss of my dog (which i dont have one..) to my friend who recently lost a dog (and i didnt know..). they must have hated being reminded of their loss. i really hope they forgive me and this has made me more confident. thanks :)

  • http://bguds.com/2011/07/learn-from-mistakes/ Learn from Mistakes | bguds.com

    [...] &#1110&#1109 more effective t&#959 apologize &#1110n person, r&#1072th&#1077r th&#1072n through a curt email. B&#965t, once &#1091&#959&#965 h&#1072&#957&#1077 [...]

  • fern

    Is a year too late to apologize? I have been meaning to apologize to someone that i really treasure. But our last encounter(half a year ago) she refuses to even speak to me. She means a lot to me, but I dont mean as much to her. I thought time would heal. apparently it has been bothering me for almost a year cause I dont know how to make amendments. Advice please? thanks …

  • http://houston.cbslocal.com/2011/08/18/how-to-apologize/ How To Apologize « CBS Houston

    [...] Tom O’Leary from http://www.LifeGoalAction.com says there are five steps to an effective apology. [...]

  • Cindy

    Some apologizes aren’t worth spit. Just after they tell you they are sorry they come up with a list of criticisms of what you did wrong and how you should have done this or that. Which in effect they are turning around the whole thing as being your fault.
    If this happens tell the person you don’t accept their apology because you don’t believe it is sincere.

  • Terra_Angelique

    Cindy, I received just such an apology several weeks ago from my sister-in-law worded “I’m sorry I offended you” sent via fb.  I didn’t respond because to me this was no apology.  To ice the cake my brother, who is visiting my mother at the moment, demanded that I accept her apology and further told me how angry and saddened he was by the fact I had not responded.  Check out this link, it is an awesome tool in both apologizing and knowing when an apology is sincere. Good luck and always stand true to yourself. http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fjebrown.us%2FRelationshop%2FDefinitions%2Fapology.html&h=ZAQHCWM3UAQGeRri6lE1GTe2ArpelqAwOjuqwAHd9rbpi4w
    Definition of Apology – Brown’s Dictionary of Relationship Terms

  • http://www.facebook.com/ApologizeOnline Mike LetmeApologize

    Very helpful stuff.

  • http://www.facebook.com/ApologizeOnline Mike LetmeApologize

    Very helpful stuff.

  • EL

    Wish I had seen this a week ago.  I confronted someone last week to hear an apology from them for offended me multiple times recently, and all I heard from them was the opposite of #2: defensiveness.
    These are helpful tips for anyone.  Thanks.

  • http://thisismyurl.com/7141/7-increase-online-reputation/ 7 Ways to Increase Your Online Reputation | thisismyurl.com by Christopher Ross

    [...] of 140 character messages and email, it’s the art of an apology. We all make mistakes, so learn how to be genuine and apologize. Here’s mine;I’m sorry for not posting much in the past month, I know my regular [...]

  • sally

    It’s been nearly a year and half since my brother left a theatening voice mail on my phone to physically abuse my husband for some  petty misunderstanding they had between them . I had no involvement with this dispute  .  My brother,  whom I was  very close to always had a very short temper . I ’m very hurt that he would threaten to hurt the very dearest person I love .   Since then , I have not spoken to him  due to the fact  he has not yet appologized  to me  .   What should i do?

  • Bad Kid

    I slashed someones tires and got caught.

  • Zach

    My wife and I just got into a fight. I told her something she had said to me earlier had hurt my feelings. She said she was sorry I had misinterpreted what she said. When I asked if she was sorry for hurting my feelings, she said that no one should ever apologize for how someone else feels, because no one can MAKE someone feel one way or another. I disagree. I feel that for an apology to be genuine, it should encompass the cause (what was said or done) AND the effect, whether that effect was intended or not. Am I being unreasonable? Is it true that one should not feel compelled to apologize for when someone I care about feels badly because of something I have said or done?

  • Cammie-chan!

    I say gomenasai in gym class before I hit someone in the face with a ball. XD