{"id":88269,"date":"2022-06-06T09:00:52","date_gmt":"2022-06-06T17:00:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/?p=88269"},"modified":"2022-06-20T11:46:19","modified_gmt":"2022-06-20T19:46:19","slug":"how-to-ask-for-what-you-need-without-guilt","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/how-to-ask-for-what-you-need-without-guilt\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Ask For What You Need\u2013 Without Guilt"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>\n

By Sonya Jensen<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of all the hard emotions \u2013anxiety, anger, regret, etc.– guilt can be one of the most difficult to overcome. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Guilt tells us that what we think, want to do or have done is wrong. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019ve hurt someone or we\u2019ve screwed up a chance at something. We just plain blew it! That\u2019s what guilt tells us but does that really mean we\u2019ve screwed up? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our emotions can be what we define them to be. For many of us when we first ask for what we need or set boundaries we often feel guilt\u2026but it could also be growth<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When we ask for what we need or say no to something, we\u2019re outgrowing our fear of being too needy. We may be outgrowing our fear of setting boundaries. We may be outgrowing everything we\u2019ve done our whole lives to keep us feeling included, liked or even loved. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Guilt is a healthy emotion to experience when we\u2019ve done something wrong that\u2019s hurt other people. It\u2019s not that we\u2019re bad and will never recover like shame wants us to believe. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, guilt can be both a sign you\u2019re growing and an opportunity to step back and reflect. If we always assume that guilt is right and we\u2019ve done something wrong we\u2019re likely to repeat old patterns of behavior that keep us locked in cycles that aren\u2019t healthy for us anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To know the difference, we have to ask ourselves:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Is what I did \u2013asking for what I need or setting a boundary\u2013 really <\/em>wrong?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or does it feel wrong because it\u2019s different from what I usually do? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The hard truth is, people around us benefit from us having no boundaries and no needs. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We need to learn to question what guilt is saying and change the meaning to be a sign of growth. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Guilt may never go away but you can lessen its intensity and even meet yourself on the other side.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But your needs are important and sharing them clearly and positively helps teach people how to love you and be in a healthy relationship with you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

What does it mean to state your needs positively? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It means sharing them from the perspective of what you would like to see instead of what you don\u2019t<\/em> want to see.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, let\u2019s say you have a need for more time together with your partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You could say, \u201cWe don\u2019t spend any time together because we\u2019re so busy and I want you to plan date nights, too.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You could also say, \u201cI feel really close, connected and important to you when we each plan date nights and surprise one another.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Guilt is an emotion that you\u2019ll have to deal with as you continue to evolve, grow and change. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Guilt is our body\u2019s way of keeping us safe and sometimes \u201csafe\u201d means staying in patterns of behavior you know, whether or not you like it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You have to decide that having needs and sharing those needs are important and should be important to the people in your life who love you. There will be adjustments and feelings from others as you change and it\u2019s important to validate those feelings without necessarily making you feel like your change was wrong. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here is an example of validation vs agreeing with someone:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s what it looks like when we validate someone else\u2019s feelings: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI can see that me saying no to this activity hurt your feelings.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

On the flipside, here\u2019s what it looks like to simply agree with someone (and bypass your own needs or boundaries):<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI feel so bad! I\u2019ve hurt your feelings. If it makes you feel better I\u2019ll do this activity with you because I hate to see you upset.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Validation doesn\u2019t mean I agree but that I\u2019m a human being who understands that when something doesn\u2019t go the way I want it to, that feelings get involved. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You can overcome guilt by remembering that everyone deserves to have needs but that not all people can or should meet all of my needs. We\u2019re each responsible for communicating our needs effectively.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By stating your needs and boundaries while still validating others feelings, the people in your life will work with you in honoring your needs\u2013 and vice versa. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sonya Jensen is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and certified Gottman Method Couples and Sex Therapist. In addition to working on the ground with couples for nearly 10 years Sonya is an author, speaker and sought-after trainer. A candid voice for relationship health, Sonya believes  all people are worthy of a healthy, loving partnership and she\u2019s here to be their guide.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

www.sonyajensen.com<\/a> <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Of all the hard emotions \u2013anxiety, anger, regret, etc.– guilt can be one of the most difficult to overcome.\u00a0 Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":30360,"featured_media":88270,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0},"categories":[38,32,21,112,7748],"tags":[3606,2798],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Ask For What You Need\u2013 Without Guilt<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Of all the hard emotions \u2013anxiety, anger, regret, etc.-- guilt can be one of the most difficult to overcome.\u00a0\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/how-to-ask-for-what-you-need-without-guilt\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How to Ask For What You Need\u2013 Without Guilt\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Of all the hard emotions \u2013anxiety, anger, regret, etc.-- guilt can be one of the most difficult to overcome.\u00a0\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/how-to-ask-for-what-you-need-without-guilt\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"http:\/\/www.facebook.com\/pickthebrain\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2022-06-06T17:00:52+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2022-06-20T19:46:19+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/06\/Screen-Shot-2022-06-06-at-10.00.16-AM.png\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"725\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"389\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/png\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@pickthebrain\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@pickthebrain\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Sonya Jensen\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/\",\"name\":\"Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement\",\"description\":\"\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/how-to-ask-for-what-you-need-without-guilt\/#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/06\/Screen-Shot-2022-06-06-at-10.00.16-AM.png\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/06\/Screen-Shot-2022-06-06-at-10.00.16-AM.png\",\"width\":725,\"height\":389},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/how-to-ask-for-what-you-need-without-guilt\/#webpage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/how-to-ask-for-what-you-need-without-guilt\/\",\"name\":\"How to Ask For What You Need\u2013 Without Guilt\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/how-to-ask-for-what-you-need-without-guilt\/#primaryimage\"},\"datePublished\":\"2022-06-06T17:00:52+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2022-06-20T19:46:19+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/176429ce618c2b3a2283a1fdd15776f8\"},\"description\":\"Of all the hard emotions \u2013anxiety, anger, regret, etc.-- guilt can be one of the most difficult to overcome.\u00a0\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/how-to-ask-for-what-you-need-without-guilt\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/how-to-ask-for-what-you-need-without-guilt\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/how-to-ask-for-what-you-need-without-guilt\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"How to Ask For What You Need\u2013 Without Guilt\"}]},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/176429ce618c2b3a2283a1fdd15776f8\",\"name\":\"Sonya Jensen\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/f500828a4adcd0d10d43799089d8cd8e?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/f500828a4adcd0d10d43799089d8cd8e?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Sonya Jensen\"},\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/author\/sonya-jensen\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"How to Ask For What You Need\u2013 Without Guilt","description":"Of all the hard emotions \u2013anxiety, anger, regret, etc.-- guilt can be one of the most difficult to overcome.\u00a0","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/how-to-ask-for-what-you-need-without-guilt\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"How to Ask For What You Need\u2013 Without Guilt","og_description":"Of all the hard emotions \u2013anxiety, anger, regret, etc.-- guilt can be one of the most difficult to overcome.\u00a0","og_url":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/how-to-ask-for-what-you-need-without-guilt\/","og_site_name":"Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement","article_publisher":"http:\/\/www.facebook.com\/pickthebrain","article_published_time":"2022-06-06T17:00:52+00:00","article_modified_time":"2022-06-20T19:46:19+00:00","og_image":[{"width":725,"height":389,"url":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/06\/Screen-Shot-2022-06-06-at-10.00.16-AM.png","type":"image\/png"}],"twitter_card":"summary","twitter_creator":"@pickthebrain","twitter_site":"@pickthebrain","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Sonya Jensen","Est. reading time":"4 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/","name":"Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement","description":"","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/how-to-ask-for-what-you-need-without-guilt\/#primaryimage","url":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/06\/Screen-Shot-2022-06-06-at-10.00.16-AM.png","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/06\/Screen-Shot-2022-06-06-at-10.00.16-AM.png","width":725,"height":389},{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/how-to-ask-for-what-you-need-without-guilt\/#webpage","url":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/how-to-ask-for-what-you-need-without-guilt\/","name":"How to Ask For What You Need\u2013 Without Guilt","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/how-to-ask-for-what-you-need-without-guilt\/#primaryimage"},"datePublished":"2022-06-06T17:00:52+00:00","dateModified":"2022-06-20T19:46:19+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/176429ce618c2b3a2283a1fdd15776f8"},"description":"Of all the hard emotions \u2013anxiety, anger, regret, etc.-- guilt can be one of the most difficult to overcome.\u00a0","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/how-to-ask-for-what-you-need-without-guilt\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/how-to-ask-for-what-you-need-without-guilt\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/how-to-ask-for-what-you-need-without-guilt\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"How to Ask For What You Need\u2013 Without Guilt"}]},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/176429ce618c2b3a2283a1fdd15776f8","name":"Sonya Jensen","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/f500828a4adcd0d10d43799089d8cd8e?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/f500828a4adcd0d10d43799089d8cd8e?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Sonya Jensen"},"url":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/author\/sonya-jensen\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/88269"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/30360"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=88269"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/88269\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":88271,"href":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/88269\/revisions\/88271"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/88270"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=88269"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=88269"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=88269"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}