{"id":6040,"date":"2011-04-25T20:21:56","date_gmt":"2011-04-26T04:21:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/?p=6040"},"modified":"2013-09-09T10:21:29","modified_gmt":"2013-09-09T18:21:29","slug":"why-do-we-suffer-low-self-esteem","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/why-do-we-suffer-low-self-esteem\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Do We Suffer From Low Self-Esteem?"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

<\/p>\n

Mike had become a wealthy entrepreneur, but he had a hard time enjoying his business success because it seemed that every minute he wasn\u2019t solving a business problem he was worried about what others thought of him and what he could do to get their approval.<\/p>\n

Janet probably had as many good ideas as Mike, but because she was plagued with procrastination, she was nowhere near as successful.<\/p>\n

Roger always talked about his dream of doing something on his own, but he just didn\u2019t have the confidence to leave his safe (and boring) job.<\/p>\n

And finally there was Marlene, who complained of bouts of anxiety that seemed to come over her without warning and paralyze her.<\/p>\n

Stories like these from our clients go on forever. We\u2019ve literally heard thousands of them. It seems as if no one really escapes.<\/p>\n

Escapes what? \u2026 Having a low sense of self-esteem, a negative sense of oneself, a little voice in one\u2019s head that is constantly critical of oneself.<\/p>\n

Common Myths About Self-esteem<\/strong><\/p>\n

Before I explain why so many people have low self-esteem, let me first dispel a few common myths about self-esteem.<\/p>\n

First, people who are described as \u201cfull of themselves,\u201d or who have \u201ctoo much self-esteem,\u201d are people with low self-esteem who are trying to convince themselves and others of a worth they don\u2019t experience. Low self-esteem is the result of negative self-esteem beliefs, such as I\u2019m not good enough, I\u2019m not important, I\u2019m not worthy or deserving, and I\u2019m not capable. People with high self-esteem don\u2019t need to convince anyone of their worth; they know they are good enough and important and don\u2019t need anyone\u2019s approval to experience being okay.<\/p>\n

Second, low self-esteem is not limited to the \u201closers\u201d in life. A survey that makes this point crystal clear reported than many CEOs of billion dollar companies had the fear that \u201csomeday I\u2019ll be found out and they\u2019ll take it all away from me.\u201d This fear is so common it has been termed \u201cThe Imposter Syndrome.\u201d It is possible to be successful by conventional standards (plenty of money, a good job or your own company, selling your artistic endeavors, achieving whatever you set out to achieve) and still have low self-esteem. In such cases the low self-esteem shows up as a critical \u201clittle voice\u201d in your head that criticizes much of what you achieve, as a feeling that you don\u2019t deserve your success, as a fear of rejection, or a need to get others\u2019 approval. All of these things that undercut the enjoyment you get from your success are the result of low self-esteem.<\/p>\n

Third, not all people with low self-esteem are unable to function well. How well you are able to function depends not only on self-esteem beliefs, but also on what other beliefs you hold. In a study the Lefkoe Institute did with incarcerated teens and adults a few years ago, we discovered that those subjects had the same negative self-esteem beliefs as the CEOs we saw in our private practice. The difference was that the CEOs believed that what made them good enough or important is being successful (by society\u2019s standards), while the people in jail believed that what made them good enough or important was getting away with things others couldn\u2019t do, or being part of a gang, or not accepting anyone else\u2019s rules.<\/p>\n

Why Is Low Self-Esteem So Common?<\/strong><\/p>\n

The question that is probably occurring to most of you right now is: Why do so many people have negative self-esteem beliefs? Why has almost every one of the 13,000 clients we\u2019ve talked to had the belief, I\u2019m not good enough?<\/p>\n

Almost all of our self-esteem beliefs, positive or negative, are formed in the first six years of life as the result of interactions we have with our primary caretakers, almost always our parents.<\/p>\n

Any yet most parents love their children and want the best for their children. So what goes wrong?<\/p>\n

To begin with, most parents are not aware that children are forming beliefs about themselves based on their interactions with their parents, which usually don\u2019t appear to be at all harmful.<\/p>\n

But even when parents are aware of this, they can have a hard time stopping their inappropriate behavior because they are rarely aware of the conflict between what they as parents want and what children are able to understand and do at various ages.<\/p>\n

Parents, being adults, generally like quiet; children are not quiet and cannot even understand why anyone would value quiet.<\/p>\n

Parents for the most part want their house to be neat; young children don\u2019t even understand the concept of \u201cneat.\u201d<\/p>\n

Parents want to sit down for dinner when it is ready and before it gets cold; children are almost always doing something that is far more important to them and don\u2019t want to stop doing it when their parents call them.<\/p>\n

In other words, parents usually want their children to do things that they are developmentally incapable of doing. They want their young children to act like little adults, which they cannot possibly do.<\/p>\n

The question is not, Do children frequently \u201cdisobey\u201d their parents? Children are developmentally incapable to living up to their parents\u2019 expectations much of the time. The only question is how parents react when their children are not doing what the parents want them to do.<\/p>\n

And because few parents go to parenting school and most bring their own beliefs from their childhoods with them, their reactions range from annoyance and frustration to anger and abuse, with every possibility in between.<\/p>\n

What Is The Question Young Children Ask All Day Long?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Hint. It\u2019s only one word.<\/p>\n

Yes, it\u2019s \u201cWhy?\u201d.<\/p>\n

Children know that they don\u2019t have the answers (kids are always saying, \u201cWhen I grow up, then I\u2019ll be able to\u2026.). Children think their parents (because they are adults) know everything and have all the answers.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s as if the child thinks to herself, \u201cIf my parents don\u2019t like what I do a lot of the time and are unhappy with me, they must have a good reason. I guess I\u2019m not good enough to have their approval.\u201d Or, \u201cIf I can\u2019t get their attention, I guess I\u2019m not important.\u201d Or, \u201cIf I always have to do what they want me to do and rarely get to do what I want, I guess I\u2019m powerless.\u201d<\/p>\n

In other words, children form their beliefs about themselves trying to make sense of their parents\u2019 behavior, statements, tone of voice, and facial expressions \u2026 every waking minute.<\/p>\n

It is important to emphasize here that rarely will just a few parental actions or statements lead children to form beliefs, positive or negative. It is only when something is done or said many times that a child forms a belief. It\u2019s as if children say to themselves, \u201cWhy does this keep happening? Oh, now I know what it means.\u201d<\/p>\n

Parental Clich\u00e9s Lead To Low Self-Esteem<\/strong><\/p>\n

Some of the phrases parents commonly use have become clich\u00e9s in our society:<\/p>\n

\u201cHow many times do I have to tell you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you ever listen?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you just clumsy\/stupid?\u201d<\/p>\n

What would it mean to a child aged two to six or seven to hear those phrases uttered repeatedly in anger or frustration?<\/p>\n

Thirteen thousand clients have told us:<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not good enough. Mistakes are bad. I\u2019m not capable or competent. I\u2019m inadequate. <\/em><\/p>\n

Do you understand now why so many of us have low self-esteem, which shows up in so many obvious and subtle ways, including worrying about what people think of us, being afraid to take risks, having a little voice in our head that keeps telling us that what we do isn\u2019t good enough, etc.?<\/p>\n

And do you also now understand that getting rid of the beliefs that cause a low self-esteem will increase your self-esteem?<\/p>\n

Morty Lefkoe is the creator of The Lefkoe Method, a series of processes that free people from their self-imposed limitations. If you haven\u2019t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http:\/\/www.recreateyourlife.com\/free<\/a> where you can eliminate one such belief free.<\/em><\/p>\n

Copyright \u00a9 2011 Morty Lefkoe<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Don’t Forget To Follow PickTheBrain on Twitter<\/a>!<\/em><\/p>\n

Related Articles:
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Words That Heal and Empower<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Stories like these from our clients go on forever. We\u2019ve literally heard thousands of them. It seems as if no one really escapes.<\/p>\n

Escapes what? \u2026 Having a low sense of self-esteem, a negative sense of oneself, a little voice in one\u2019s head that is constantly critical of oneself. Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12163,"featured_media":6041,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0},"categories":[205,6],"tags":[762,1351,1349,66,1350,4629,1347,1322,1348],"yoast_head":"\nWhy Do We Suffer From Low Self-Esteem? - Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"First, people who are described as \u201cfull of themselves,\u201d or who have \u201ctoo much self-esteem,\u201d are people with low self-esteem who are trying to convince themselves and others of a worth they don\u2019t experience. 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