{"id":58593,"date":"2018-07-18T18:20:29","date_gmt":"2018-07-19T02:20:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/?p=58593"},"modified":"2018-07-23T19:29:24","modified_gmt":"2018-07-24T03:29:24","slug":"death-is-not-a-dirty-word-living-with-grief","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/death-is-not-a-dirty-word-living-with-grief\/","title":{"rendered":"Death is not a Dirty Word: Living with Grief"},"content":{"rendered":"<div style=\"margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px;\" class=\"sharethis-inline-share-buttons\" ><\/div><p>After my husband died, I remember all the awkward moments when people avoided me \u2013 at my office, on the street and even friends who were uncomfortable talking about it.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>At times I felt like I had a disease, and in a sense I did \u2013 I had been impacted by death and my world had been blown apart. If anyone got too close to me, death and all its sorrow might rub against them, too.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s true we live in a grief-phobic society. This means we often don\u2019t talk about death and grief until our own world breaks apart with the loss of someone we love. It\u2019s something that happens to other people\u2014until it happens to you<\/i>.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019ve never experienced a shattering loss, you have no mental imprint for how to put the pieces back together. We aren\u2019t born with this skill\u2014it\u2019s has to be learned and developed. So it\u2019s understandable why we can become child-like in our grief. We feel overwhelmed, frightened, and unable to cope, much less be comforted.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m a psychotherapist who\u2019s worked with many grievers. I know when faced with overwhelming grief, many people feel like they\u2019re alone in what they\u2019re experiencing. They often feel like they\u2019re going crazy. That\u2019s how I felt when my husband Jim died suddenly, in my arms, when I was only 36 years-old. Through my own devastating loss, and my professional experience, I\u2019ve learned some essentials for any griever to know as they navigate the labyrinth of grief and loss.<\/p>\n<p><b>Let People Help You:<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/b><\/p>\n<p><b> <\/b>Surround yourself with friends and family who will listen and be supportive. If someone offers to help, let them. If it\u2019s an option, seek the services of a qualified therapist. It may take a few therapists to find the right fit for you, like any relationship. My therapist was crucial to my healing.<\/p>\n<p><b>Suspended in The Fog:<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/b><\/p>\n<p><b> <\/b>Have you ever tried to drive through a thick fog on winding road?<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>When we experience any kind of traumatic loss it feels like we\u2019re in an alternate reality. Our bodies are in survival mode and the thinking part of our brain (the prefrontal cortex) shuts down. Our nervous system is hyper-aroused, we experience anxiety or panic attacks, our hearts race, and looping thoughts fill our minds as we try to integrate what has happened. It\u2019s difficult to speak, to \u201csee\u201d through the fog induced by psychological shock.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Many times I walked into a room to do something and completely forgot why I was there. I started writing things down, because it felt like my brain couldn\u2019t hold a thought longer than a minute. It\u2019s hard to concentrate and think clearly. This feeling of being shrouded by heavy fog, of your head being filled with thick cotton, is normal. Your body is doing what it needs to do to help you survive. Your brain and body need time to catch up to reality. Give yourself the time you need.<\/p>\n<p><b>Our Bodies Grieve Too:<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/b><\/p>\n<p>When Jim died, I couldn\u2019t eat for days, and then the only thing that appealed to me was cinnamon toast.<b><span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span><\/b>When we experience a shock or traumatic event, our instinctive survival responses take over: the fight, flight, freeze response. This is why, in the midst of a crisis, we are unable to eat, or swallow, or we throw up. When our brains perceive danger it instructs the body to rid itself of anything not needed to survive. All energy is directed solely to survival\u2014digestion slows down or stops and we even stop producing saliva.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>It\u2019s Okay to Be a Griever:<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/b><\/p>\n<p><b> <\/b>A client told me the story of picking up her friend\u2019s mother from the airport who had travelled across country for the funeral of her adult daughter.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>It took them an hour to get her from the gate to her car because the mother, in deep grief, kept collapsing on the ground in the terminal.<\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s an expectation in our society to keep it together\u2014to not make a scene, to keep the messiness private. I call this the \u201cunwritten rules of grief.\u201d These rules are to help others feel more comfortable with YOUR grief. But grief is messy. It\u2019s okay to cry, and let it out. Don\u2019t feel like you have to \u201cbe stoic\u201d for others. Do what you need to do for you.<\/p>\n<p><b>Grief Doesn\u2019t Understand Time:<\/b><\/p>\n<p><b> <\/b>Many of us are familiar with the five stages of grief \u2013 denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It\u2019s important to remember that grief is not linear, and these phases, as I call them, are not an orderly progression. There is no timetable. We all grieve in our own way, in our own time. I went back and forth through these phases for years. Don\u2019t let anyone tell you how to grieve. <span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>It\u2019s Not You, It\u2019s Them:<\/b><\/p>\n<p><b> <\/b>Children will often do or say inappropriate or hurtful things because they haven\u2019t learned etiquette yet. But adults will often do the same when responding to grief. It&#8217;s because they don&#8217;t know what to say and\/or are uncomfortable with grief. They may even avoid you. Just remember, it\u2019s about them, not you. If someone can\u2019t be there for you in the way you need them to be, find someone who can.<\/p>\n<p><b>Be Open to Signs From Your Loved One:<\/b><\/p>\n<p><b> <\/b>I have a friend whose father loved ladybugs. When she was in a photography session before her wedding, hundreds of ladybugs covered her white dress.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>She saw this as a beautiful sign from her deceased father\u2014a way he told her he was there for her on her life journey. Everyone gets signs in a different way.<b> <\/b>Spirit lives on. The connected bond of love doesn\u2019t end. Be open to signs though dreams, songs, scents, and in nature. Let small miracles help guide and comfort you as you adjust to a new reality. Beginning to heal and adjust to your new life doesn\u2019t mean having to let go of the person you love.<\/p>\n<p><b>The Importance of Rituals:<\/b><\/p>\n<p><b> <\/b>After Jim died, I kept all the cards and notes he\u2019d given me in a blue box. When I was missing him, I would take this box down from the closet and read his words, feeling connected to his love. For a while, it became my ritual<b>. <\/b>Rituals offer comfort and a path to healing. Find whatever helps you feel connected to your loved one\u2014be it visiting the cemetery, lighting a special candle, listening to music you both loved, carrying something special that reminds you of them.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Nature Heals:<\/b><\/p>\n<p><b> <\/b>Being in nature can remind us the importance that all living things are connected, and this feeling can help reduce anxiety. It can be soothing to simply get outside and breathe. Meditation helps calm your nervous system. Go for a walk in the park, on a trail, near a river or ocean if possible. If you can\u2019t find a natural water source where you live, or you don\u2019t want to leave the house, take a warm bath.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>You\u2019re Not Always Going to Feel This Way:<\/b><\/p>\n<p><b> <\/b>Remember that grieving doesn\u2019t make you imperfect. It makes you human. As hard as it might be for you to believe right now, I want you to know: You will heal. You will not only survive, but you can thrive and find joy and meaning in your new life. This may not be the life you had before\u2014but it is still your life to live\u2014fully. <span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><em><b>About Debbie Augenthaler, LMHC, NCC<\/b><\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Debbie is a psychotherapist in private practice in New York City, where she has specialized in trauma, grief, and loss. Her husband, Jim, died suddenly in her arms\u00a0when she was only 36 years old. He had been healthy and vibrant \u2013 the doctors compared the probability of his\u00a0death by heart attack to being struck by lightning. That lightning strike ended her life as she knew it and thus\u00a0began the \u201cbaptism by fire\u201d that brought her to her new future.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Debbie\u2019s book,\u00a0You Are Not Alone: A Heartfelt Guide for Grief, Healing, and Hope, is the book she wishes she\u2019d had when she was grieving, and wishes she had\u00a0now to offer clients experiencing life-altering losses. With the connection of a shared experience, Debbie guides\u00a0the reader through grief to transformation and a new beginning.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Debbie has as Master\u2019s Degree in Counseling<b> <\/b>for Mental Health and Wellness from New York University. She has completed a\u00a0two year post graduate Advanced Trauma Studies program from the Institute of Contemporary Psychotherapy and\u00a0is trained in various modalities that inform a holistically based practice including EMDR, Internal Family Systems,\u00a0Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, Energy Psychology, and Hypnosis. In 2012 she received the NYU Steinhardt Award\u00a0for Outstanding Clinical Service.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>For more information, please visit <a href=\"http:\/\/www.debbieaugenthaler.com\/book\/\">http:\/\/www.debbieaugenthaler.com\/book\/<\/a> and follow Debbie on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/DebbieAugenthaler\">Facebook<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/DebAugenthaler\">Twitter<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>After my husband died, I remember all the awkward moments when people avoided me \u2013 at my office, on the street and even friends who were uncomfortable talking about it.\u00a0 At times I felt like I had a disease, and &hellip; <a href=\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/death-is-not-a-dirty-word-living-with-grief\/\">Continue reading <span class=\"meta-nav\">&rarr;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":13316,"featured_media":58629,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0},"categories":[21,6],"tags":[455,6661,1987,6660,6667,66,4629,6662],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v19.1 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Death is not a Dirty Word: Living with Grief<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"It\u2019s true we live in a grief-phobic society. 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Her husband, Jim, died suddenly in her arms\u00a0when she was only 36 years old. He had been healthy and vibrant \u2013 the doctors compared the probability of his\u00a0death by heart attack to being struck by lightning. That lightning strike ended her life as she knew it and thus\u00a0began the \u201cbaptism by fire\u201d that brought her to her new future. Debbie\u2019s book,\u00a0You Are Not Alone: A Heartfelt Guide for Grief, Healing, and Hope (May 2018), is the book she wishes she\u2019d had when she was grieving, and wishes she had\u00a0now to offer clients experiencing life-altering losses. With the connection of a shared experience, Debbie guides\u00a0the reader through grief to transformation and a new beginning. Debbie has as Master\u2019s Degree in Counseling for Mental Health and Wellness from New York University. She has completed a\u00a0two year post graduate Advanced Trauma Studies program from the Institute of Contemporary Psychotherapy and\u00a0is trained in various modalities that inform a holistically based practice including EMDR, Internal Family Systems,\u00a0Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, Energy Psychology, and Hypnosis. In 2012 she received the NYU Steinhardt Award\u00a0for Outstanding Clinical Service.","sameAs":["http:\/\/www.debbieaugenthaler.com","https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/DebbieAugenthaler","https:\/\/twitter.com\/https:\/\/twitter.com\/DebAugenthaler"],"url":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/author\/debbie\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/58593"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/13316"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=58593"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/58593\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/58629"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=58593"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=58593"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=58593"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}