{"id":57656,"date":"2018-06-01T18:31:11","date_gmt":"2018-06-02T02:31:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/?p=57656"},"modified":"2018-06-12T22:36:17","modified_gmt":"2018-06-13T06:36:17","slug":"boundaries-what-are-you-afraid-of","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/boundaries-what-are-you-afraid-of\/","title":{"rendered":"Boundaries: What are you Afraid of?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Boundaries: What are you afraid of?<\/p>\n

What comes to mind when you hear the word boundary? Do you ever use this word? If so, in what context? What does it mean to you?<\/p>\n

The word \u201cboundary\u201d is trendier than ever. It\u2019s been popular for a while in the 12 Step, and Manhattan shrink circuit, but now it\u2019s falling out of mouths at afternoon coffees and cocktail parties. It\u2019s jargon at its best; the concept accessible to people who have never sat through a therapy session. The boundary conversation passes from person to person like a flu virus; the strain mutates the farther away it gets from Patient Zero. \u201cShe just doesn\u2019t respect my boundaries.\u201d \u201cTheir family has tons of boundary issues.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hell, I am guilty of throwing boundary around in a self-righteous tone. Making someone else wrong is a smart way to gossip without feeling like a mean girl.<\/p>\n

Here is the definition of a boundary as I am writing about it:<\/p>\n

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https:\/\/en.m.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Personal_boundaries<\/a><\/p>\n

Here is the definition of the word from a dictionary: a line that marks the limits of an area\/ a limit of a subject or sphere of activity.<\/p>\n

The word limit comes up twice which begs the question- why am I using language to create structures that coddle my limitations? What exactly are these limitations that I don\u2019t want to push into?<\/p>\n

My thoughts on boundaries have evolved with me. Year one and two into my sober journey I employed boundaries to rope off the area of grass where I had planted myself. I couldn\u2019t grow and get trampled simultaneously. After I developed a sober sense of self, my rigid boundaries held me back from connecting more deeply in personal relationships. I didn\u2019t realize that the boundaries that once served my growth were now hindering it and costing me the closeness I craved. An annual inventory is now part of my process because qualities and tools that outlive their purpose become unconscious habits that often stunt growth.<\/p>\n

Once in a while, I come across someone who confronts me about something in an unnecessarily aggressive way. \u201cWhy can\u2019t you come to my birthday?\u201d When I respond honestly, unless they are missing some marbles, they drop it. People sense when they are at the receiving end of a lie, and white lies erode relationships in the same way as the big ones. For more on this read Sam Harris\u2019s book Lying- I just listened to it on audible. It\u2019s an easy to digest book with many great distinctions:<\/p>\n

https:\/\/www.audible.com\/pd?asin=B00FK6F02C&source_code=ASSORAP0511160006<\/a><\/p>\n

I guarantee if you take a risk and kindly word your response- \u201cthanks so much for inviting me and I can\u2019t make it then the conversation will close, and you won’t be complaining about someone else’s boundary issues later in the day.<\/p>\n

People who have trouble with no, love the boundary conversation- instead of looking at their struggle with no, they blame others for their bad boundaries. Taking a closer look at your relationship with No will help resolve your boundary issues. Here is my article No is a Complete Sentence:<\/p>\n

http:\/\/thegrowthproject.blog\/no-is-a-complete-sentence\/<\/a><\/p>\n

Have you ever heard any man ever talk about his boundaries? It cracks me up to imagine my husband telling a friend over a round of golf that a co-worker violated his boundaries. Men don\u2019t have a use for the concept because they are super clear in their communication style.<\/p>\n

As our culture continues to develop an ever more cautious relationship with direct communication, the boundary conversation gathers strength. It\u2019s hard to stay close to your truth, let alone speak it when we all walk around worried about offending each other. Like good posture, honest communication immediately hooks us into power.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s a great clip about being offended. I often hear people talk about being offended like they just got smacked across the face when nothing actually happened.<\/p>\n