{"id":48413,"date":"2017-04-13T19:23:40","date_gmt":"2017-04-14T03:23:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/?p=48413"},"modified":"2017-05-27T08:45:32","modified_gmt":"2017-05-27T16:45:32","slug":"how-to-beat-your-fear-of-people-and-addiction-and-win-a-sparkling-clear-mind","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/how-to-beat-your-fear-of-people-and-addiction-and-win-a-sparkling-clear-mind\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Beat Your Fear of People and Win a Sparkling Clear Mind"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

<\/p>\n

Darn it! I humiliated myself in public.<\/p>\n

And blew it.<\/p>\n

…Again.<\/p>\n

I was standing literally right under the basketball hoop, completely wide open. And rather than shoot the ball, I turned around, dribbled out, and passed to a teammate.<\/p>\n

My team exploded with frustration on the sidelines.<\/p>\n

One of the most crushing moments of my life. I felt embarrassed beyond all belief. And I wanted nothing more than to escape from the gym, crawl in a hole, and die.<\/p>\n

I shudder and still feel anxious and embarrassed when I think about that moment. Definitely a low point.<\/p>\n

Why would I make such a decision? Why would I turn down a shot with a 95{54c12dad2cc2b53ae830e39915b1a3e70288dbcbbeb8bbf8395437c5dc3c512c} chance of success?<\/p>\n

And this, even though I had done quite well in basketball in the past. It was a routine play \u2013 even for me.<\/p>\n

That happened 7 years ago. I was around 27 then. And I\u2019m 34 today. But now, I\u2019m happily married for 7 years (Bekah would tell you), own a house, love my work, and wake up excited to start the new day.<\/p>\n

Nothing Destroys Your Ability To Think Clearly More Than Addiction<\/strong><\/h1>\n

Absolutely nothing.<\/p>\n

I can tell you from firsthand experience.<\/p>\n

Compound this with social anxiety disorder (social phobia), an extreme fear of people and \u201cfailing\u201d in public, and my mind was a muddled mess.<\/p>\n

My addiction intensified my social anxiety disorder by 100 times. And my social anxiety made it overwhelmingly difficult to open up to others and share what\u2019s really going on with me.<\/p>\n

Both fed off each other, creating a vicious downward cycle that only got worse.<\/p>\n

Simple tasks, like calling customer service, telling my wife why I was angry or afraid, or even driving, looked nearly impossible.<\/p>\n

How\u2019d I Become a Social Phobic and Addict?<\/strong><\/h1>\n

Keeping it short, I was always intensely anxious around people. I distinctly remember clinging to my father\u2019s leg in fear, my face red with embarrassment, when some adults suggested I join some kids I didn\u2019t know in a different room at a friend\u2019s birthday party.<\/p>\n

Scary stuff for me at that age (4 or so).<\/p>\n

I also grew up in a home with emotionally unavailable parents. My father was an alcoholic. Mom was raging with anger because she was so depressed about it (although she\u2019s never realized it).<\/p>\n

So, my dad was physically present. But, that\u2019s it. His mind was elsewhere, unable to pay attention to my needs. Perpetually angry about something, my mom was mentally lost also.<\/p>\n

And me? Well, I was forgotten. So, I grew up with intense feelings of shame about myself. I felt guilty because mostly negative emotions like anger and criticism came at me. And I felt lonely and afraid because I never really told anyone how I felt about, well, anything.<\/p>\n

So, I lived my young life entirely inside my own mind. Occasionally, I tried to reach out and break the isolation. But, I couldn\u2019t consistently do so in a meaningful way that allowed me to connect with anyone else (parents, friends, teachers, or other authority figures).<\/p>\n

I\u2019d told a few friends about these issues. They\u2019re response: \u201dWell, crap.\u201d<\/p>\n

They didn\u2019t know what to do. They wanted to help. But, they had no idea how.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t hold any animosity toward them. It just speaks to the powerfully confounding nature of social anxiety and addiction.<\/p>\n

My Mind Overflowed with Self-Destructive Noise<\/strong><\/h1>\n

The social anxiety was present. The fear built from ages 4-10. My first check-out from reality was actually in video games. I\u2019d play those alone for hours. And it was hard to pull myself away.<\/p>\n

That, of course, intensified the fear of people. I wasn\u2019t learning to have healthy relationships with others. I learned to keep everything inside.<\/p>\n

Around 12-14, my addiction took off. I discovered it through my friends. And then I turned to my addiction more and more on my own when I learned how to access it myself.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re not an addict, addictions only destroy. I gradually became increasingly obsessed with finding more ways to spend additional time on my addiction. I fantasized about it most of the day. And since I was so consumed with it, I never once thought of how I could connect with and help others.<\/p>\n

The addiction shot my self-esteem through the floor and my social anxiety through the roof. Working together, video games, the addiction, and social anxiety ran my mind 24\/7.<\/p>\n

Real life, like paying attention at school, doing my best in sports, was an interruption to my private fantasy world.<\/p>\n

When I wasn\u2019t consumed with one of those, I was caught up in some extremely unrealistic emotion. I believed anyone who merely looked at me in a way I didn\u2019t like had a passionate hatred of me.<\/p>\n

Or, I focused on how much I hated myself. And in other cases, I figured people would simply disapprove, so I was afraid.<\/p>\n

Talk about a noisy mess!<\/p>\n

I still managed to pull good grades through all this. So, intellectually I somehow did fine.<\/p>\n

But I likely never came close to my full potential.<\/p>\n

My mind was neither here nor there. It was everywhere but in the present.<\/p>\n

In high school, I earned a reputation for being crazy. I was out-of-control with alcohol, a totally different person than the shy, anxious individual people saw during the day.<\/p>\n

Shocking. But also entertaining. I may have been the most popular person in high school.<\/p>\n

But I hated myself. I couldn\u2019t stand me. Ick!<\/p>\n

This Horrific Pattern Continued for Decades\u2026What Changed?<\/strong><\/h1>\n

As far as most people go, I became aware of my issues early. At 19, I had self-diagnosed as an addict and a social phobic.<\/p>\n

So, I went to recovery meetings at that age.<\/p>\n

But, it wasn\u2019t happily ever after. It took me about a decade before I managed two years of sobriety.<\/p>\n

And then I lost it again.<\/p>\n

Today, I have nearly 3 years of sobriety and am going strong.<\/p>\n

What changed?<\/p>\n

I finally learned to prioritize self-growth over all else. For me, I\u2019d battle with workaholism and material success in favor of personal growth.<\/p>\n

You can get away with that. But only for a while. If you don\u2019t put your recovery first after some point in time, your addiction takes over and forces you to relapse and act on it.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s what it means to be an addict.<\/p>\n

Some people can simply stop certain behaviors. But addicts eventually lose all power and control to stop themselves from acting on their addictive behaviors if they don\u2019t work a thorough recovery program ahead of all else.<\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t get that perspective at the time, though. Relapsing was still my responsibility. But, I chose a bad thing and acted on my addiction.<\/p>\n

Fortunately, it didn\u2019t cost me my house, job, or marriage. But it was emotionally devastating.<\/p>\n

Remember all those feelings of shame, guilt, and fear of people I grew up with?<\/p>\n

They came back with 100 times more intensity\u2026with just a single decision. Yeah. Again.<\/p>\n

Think social anxiety\u2019s painfully awful? Addiction makes it a nightmare you can\u2019t wake up from. And no one else can get you out.<\/p>\n

Life was so awful I slowly decided it was time to grow up. But only one day at a time.<\/p>\n

I had rolled around in my addiction for nearly two decades. So, despite the fact it was dreadfully painful, it was familiar. Acting on it didn\u2019t seem so bad.<\/p>\n

However, with a clearer mind today, it certainly looks like a foolish decision.<\/p>\n

What Changed Everything<\/strong><\/h1>\n

This time around, I decided to prioritize growth at all costs. Even ahead of work and my wife.<\/p>\n

That included overcoming both the social anxiety and addiction.<\/p>\n

You can\u2019t do just one or the other and expect to stay sober. Intense anxiety triggers your addiction. That doesn\u2019t guarantee a relapse. But it does make one more likely.<\/p>\n

So, inch-by-inch, I decided to take new actions that would change my thinking.<\/p>\n

Something\u2019s painful to talk about? Too bad. I did it anyway. Otherwise, I\u2019d feel my addiction prepping to take control again.<\/p>\n

The person on the other end of the phone was giving me crap? I had to stand up for myself \u2013 even though I didn\u2019t feel worth it.<\/p>\n

My mind would still feel anxious about other people or future events. Instead of letting it swirl in my head and gain power, I had to talk about it with my wife or someone in the program.<\/p>\n

Someone disagrees? Again, I stated my side of the issue, but without being angry.<\/p>\n

A person at work wasn\u2019t following through on their side of the relationship? I had to approach them and clarify the issue.<\/p>\n

Did I say something rude or nasty? I had to walk up to that person and say I was sorry and where I was wrong.<\/p>\n

Was I getting amped up and ready to work a long day? I had to cut myself off and just sit down and relax (super difficult for me).<\/p>\n

Was I afraid to take the shot? This time I had to do it, and live with the outcome, good or bad.<\/p>\n

In addition, I also had to:<\/p>\n

\u2022 Prioritize serving others ahead of doing anything for myself
\n\u2022 Constantly look at my role in interpersonal conflict and see what I could do differently to make that relationship as healthy as possible
\n\u2022 Quickly forgive others for the wrongs they caused me
\n\u2022 Make amends for harms done years ago during my active addiction
\n\u2022 Learn to \u201clet go\u201d in life instead of taking control, which I often try to do through workaholism
\n\u2022 Cease all other unhealthy behaviors, like working too long and playing video games<\/p>\n

Painful? Shocking?<\/p>\n

You bet.<\/p>\n

This stuff was completely new to me. I had to repeat it daily for a couple years.<\/p>\n

But it worked.<\/p>\n

My Mind Today Is a Peaceful Haven I Love To Go To<\/strong><\/h1>\n

Today, my mind is an awesome place to be. However, I still have to be careful because sometimes my addiction and social anxiety flare up. Sometimes, it\u2019s not clear why. If I\u2019m not sure about a particular thought or action, I simply run it by my wife and some people in the recovery program I trust to give a realistic perspective.<\/p>\n

I like being in my mind in a healthy way. It no longer tells me how worthless I am. Instead, it focuses on what\u2019s good about life, even though I have difficult financial circumstances.<\/p>\n

I generally think positively about others. I can\u2019t wait to talk to most people. My sense of humor has returned. And I intuitively know how to handle situations that used to absolutely confound me.<\/p>\n

My wife regularly says, in a positive way,\u201dWho are you and what have you done with my husband?\u201d<\/p>\n

I love running my web-based business. It\u2019s fun and challenging. And I make better decisions than ever.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m highly involved in the community. People respect me. Others value my advice.<\/p>\n

I still have social anxiety and fear of people. And the addiction pokes and prods too.<\/p>\n

But neither master my life. Both used to create overwhelming feelings so intense they made Mt. Everest look small and unintimidating.<\/p>\n

Now, they cause unpleasant feelings from time-to-time. But I just look at those and let them pass by.<\/p>\n

No big deal, really.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not a perfect person or stoic sage.<\/p>\n

But clear-headed?<\/p>\n

You bet.<\/p>\n

Love this? You\u2019ll also enjoy this free, 11-part email series that boosts your confidence, happiness, serenity, connection, and clarity: 11 Breakthrough (And Proven) Strategies to Keep You Forever Free from Social Anxiety<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Darn it! I humiliated myself in public. And blew it. …Again. I was standing literally right under the basketball hoop, completely wide open. And rather than shoot the ball, I turned around, dribbled out, and passed to a teammate. My … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12087,"featured_media":48905,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0},"categories":[32,112,6],"tags":[53,1743,82,4641,1423,368,66,4629,353,4640],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Beat Your Fear of People and Win a Sparkling Clear Mind<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I struggle most of my life with fear and social anxiety. It took a lot of work but now I can say that I've have beat my demons. 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