{"id":39381,"date":"2016-03-19T20:47:33","date_gmt":"2016-03-20T04:47:33","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/?p=39381"},"modified":"2016-03-22T11:09:54","modified_gmt":"2016-03-22T19:09:54","slug":"11-tips-long-lasting-happy-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/11-tips-long-lasting-happy-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"11 Tips to Have a Long-Lasting, Happy Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"
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At<\/span> the beginning of every year, I like to sit down and do a year-end reflection<\/a> of the previous year\u2026 I think about the wins, the challenges, the goals or areas of my life that I\u2019d like to build upon as I move forward into another new year<\/a>, and any new goals I\u2019d like to pursue in the year ahead.<\/h3>\n<\/div>\n
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One of the things that made this past yearly reflection especially enriching, was the inclusion of my wife, Amna and our newborn, Nora. (I\u2019d always done my yearly reflection totally solo up until now.) So in addition to all of the stuff I usually do during my yearly reflection and goal-setting session, this year I worked on a list of ongoing relationship goals with Amna. We ended up with 11 in total. And we posted them up near our bathroom mirror, so we can glance at them every morning while we brush our teeth.<\/p>\n

As I write this, it\u2019s been a little over a month since we started practicing these new ongoing goals (which are more like habits<\/a>, or mutual commitments than goals). And I think they\u2019ve been incredibly helpful in bringing us closer together as a couple and crushing conflicts before they arise.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s our list…<\/p>\n

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Prefer audio?\u00a0Listen to the podcast version on iTunes<\/a>\u00a0or listen in your browser here<\/a><\/em><\/strong><\/h3>\n
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1. Compassionate communication or no communication.<\/strong><\/h3>\n

We talk to each other in a level-headed, compassionate way or we don\u2019t talk to each other at all. If we can\u2019t talk to one another with the love and compassion that each of us deserves, then the first one to catch it says (with a smile), \u201cRemember: Compassionate communication or NO communication.\u201d This is usually enough to relax the mood. If not, we mutually decide to revisit the issue once whichever one of us that\u2019s pissed off (and thus, communicating with a lack of compassion) returns to reality.<\/p>\n

2. Gratitude goodnights.<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Every night before bed, we take turns telling each other about one thing we\u2019re grateful for about the other. For example, last night I said to Amna: \u201cI\u2019m really grateful for your patience.\u201d<\/p>\n

3. Daily expectations.<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Every morning we tell or text one another what our individual game plans are for the day. For example: \u201cI\u2019m working till 3pm today.\u201d This is helpful because our schedules can vary from time to time since we both run our own businesses, and it\u2019s courteous to tell each other when we\u2019ll be home or if we\u2019ll be working later than usual on any given day.<\/p>\n

4. Never keep score.<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Relationships are places that you go to give<\/em>\u200a\u2014\u200aNOT to get<\/em>. I remember a guy once telling me about how he \u201cbroke even\u201d after splitting up with his girlfriend. What he meant was that he didn\u2019t spend any more money on her than she did on him. That\u2019s some of the stupidest, most ignorant shit I\u2019ve heard in my life. Never keep score. Your relationship will be infinitely more beautiful because of it.<\/p>\n

5. Be impeccable with our language.<\/strong><\/h3>\n

This one was inspired by a book my wife and I both love, called The Four Agreements<\/a> by don Miguel Ruiz. One of the four agreements he discusses in the book, is to \u201cBe impeccable with your word.\u201d Which means this: when you make a promise\u200a\u2014\u200akeep it. When you say you\u2019re going to do something\u200a\u2014\u200ado it. Don\u2019t be the type of person who says things that people have a hard time believing. This one serves as a constant reminder to both of us to be impeccable with our word, both with one another as well as with everyone else.<\/p>\n

6. Support one another\u2019s individual dreams.<\/strong><\/h3>\n

My wife and I are both do what we love for a living. And we\u2019ve both got great dreams and ambitions for continued growth in the future. In fact, I don\u2019t know if I\u2019d be where I am today, if I hadn\u2019t had her full support from the beginning. I think that our ongoing commitment to support each other in our individual dreams has a huge positive impact on our relationship.<\/p>\n

7. Marriage is for life.<\/strong><\/h3>\n

No one goes into a marriage looking to get divorced\u2026 Unless you\u2019re like my cousin in Uzbekistan, who married an American just so she could get here US citizenship\u200a\u2014\u200abut that\u2019s a different story all together. Anyway, I believe that marriage is sacred. And if you\u2019re going to make that kind of commitment, you better take it seriously enough to understand what you\u2019re getting into before it\u2019s too late. Most people spend more time planning their wedding than they do planning their marriage.<\/p>\n

8. Diffuse and alleviate!<\/strong><\/h3>\n

When shit hits the fan\u200a\u2014\u200aand you know<\/em> it can hit the fan every now and then\u200a\u2014\u200ayou need to diffuse and alleviate! For example: if the wifey\u2019s feeling super-stressed about something related to her business, and then takes it all out on me for no good reason, it\u2019s probably not a good idea for me to start firing back in defense. Probably better that I realize she\u2019s totally stressed right now, and it\u2019s got nothing to do with me. And the best thing I can do as a husband right now, isn\u2019t to argue or try to fix it, but rather, try to alleviate the situation by listening<\/em> to her tell me all<\/em> about it. This ongoing commitment is proven crucial towards maintaining a healthy, happy relationship between the both of us.<\/p>\n

9. Beware of the animal brain.<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Regardless of how smart we humans think we are, at the end of the day, we\u2019re still animals. We\u2019re just animals that have figured out how to remove ourselves from nature (which I think is a totally screwed up game-plan, but that\u2019s for another discussion). But just because we\u2019re capable of planning ahead, or designing computer chips, doesn\u2019t mean that the very core of our brains aren\u2019t still having an impact on our lives. What I\u2019m talking about, is your \u201canimal brain\u201d. The animal brain is the part of you that says irrational shit when you get mad. It\u2019s the part of your brain that overrides<\/em> your smarter, more rational self, and instead leaves you saying things that you end up regretting in retrospect. This is why, whenever my wife realizes she may have said something that triggered my \u201canimal brain\u201d to go ape-shit, she knows I probably don\u2019t really mean whatever nasty things I end up saying shortly thereafter. And because she knows that, she gracefully backs away for the time being, until the calmer, cooler version of me comes back to reality. Beware of the animal brain.<\/p>\n

10. It takes FIVE positives to eliminate ONE negative.<\/strong><\/h3>\n

5:1\u2013that\u2019s the ratio for how many positive impressions I need to make on my wife to make up for telling her she sucks at managing her time. Research supports this. But I don\u2019t feel like finding that research right now, so you can Google it if you want to.<\/p>\n

11. Identify individual give-goals.<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cGive-goals\u201d are specifically tailored ongoing commitments that we came up for one another. You can do the same with your partner. See ours below. (Side note: if you do this with your partner, do it with caution: telling your wife she needs to \u201cstop nagging you about stupid stuff\u201d probably isn\u2019t the most elegant \u201cgive-goal\u201d you could conjure up.)<\/p>\n