{"id":3870,"date":"2011-03-03T08:49:13","date_gmt":"2011-03-03T16:49:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/?p=3870"},"modified":"2013-09-05T09:41:31","modified_gmt":"2013-09-05T17:41:31","slug":"how-to-stop-focusing-on-people-focus-on-issues-its-easy-if-you-do-this","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/how-to-stop-focusing-on-people-focus-on-issues-its-easy-if-you-do-this\/","title":{"rendered":"Day 29: How To Stop Focusing On People & Focus On Issues (It\u2019s Easy If You Do This)"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

<\/a><\/p>\n

If changing who you are is easy, we\u2019d all be doing it, right?<\/p>\n

So, when a problem arises, why is our first reaction to focus on how the person involved needs to change? If you find yourself trying to solve problems by focusing on changing people, you have your first clue as to why it\u2019s not working.<\/p>\n

Bad communication styles are the root of most problems.\u00a0 Closing the gap on what people said is the first step to transforming a bad situation into a positive one. See each problem as an opportunity to improve and transform; your business, your relationship\u2026your life!<\/p>\n

#1 Email is NOT your friend<\/strong>
\nEmail is a communication tool for tactical instructions.\u00a0 It\u2019s great for next steps, follow up and task lists.\u00a0 It is not a good problem solving medium.\u00a0 Pick up the phone or set up time to work through issues. You could work for hours crafting the most conciliatory message, yet if the person receiving it is having a bad day, their mood translates your meaning and their reaction, taking an already tense situation to a level needed more effort to repair than the original issue. Unfortunately, we fire emails off like machine blasts, jumping precariously from one to the next and not taking time to use our words wisely.<\/p>\n

#2 Conversations with the word \u201cyou\u201d in it will set YOU up to fail every time<\/strong>
\nIf it\u2019s important fixing a problem, you are lying to yourself that you want the best result if the word \u201cyou\u201d is in the communication. Remember issues aren\u2019t people; they only relate to a person. Saying things like, \u201cYou make me feel like\u2026\u201d is a key indicator you believe the other person is at fault, which makes it a personal attack no matter how much you dress it up.<\/p>\n

Statements like, \u201cI feel,\u201d or, \u201cI am worried,\u201d build rapport.\u00a0 Statements like, \u201cYou make me feel,\u201d do not.\u00a0 Attach statements to the issue. A proper use of you builds rapport.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m worried\u2026what do you think?\u201d is a great way to initiate collaboration.\u00a0 Opening the topic for discussion might give you wonderful insights before you even begin to address the issue.\u00a0 You don\u2019t know, what you don\u2019t know, until you ask.<\/p>\n

#3 Learn to sell solutions the way top sales people do:\u00a0 LAER them!<\/strong><\/p>\n

Listen.\u00a0 Acknowledge. Explore.\u00a0 Respond.\u00a0 Even the best listeners respond too quickly. By jumping straight from listening to responding, you are debating. Debating rhymes with hating for a reason.\u00a0 Don\u2019t you hate it when you feel people ignore you?\u00a0 It\u2019s critical to let the other person know you heard them.\u00a0 How can you do this better?<\/p>\n

Acknowledge what they said verbally by clarifying their point, before you respond.\u00a0 The \u201cLAE\u201d part of the loop can feel never-ending at times.\u00a0 But guess what?\u00a0 You are doing it RIGHT.\u00a0 Now it\u2019s a collaborative conversation, which is critical to putting issues to bed.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s say you have a partner who is overwhelmed and it\u2019s hurting your relationship.\u00a0 You might approach the situation like this\u2026<\/p>\n

YOU: \u201cI\u2019m feeling sad that we don\u2019t have more time for each other; how are you feeling?\u201d<\/p>\n

THEM: (perhaps defensively at first) \u201cYou know what? I\u2019m doing my best, but I can\u2019t keep up with all the kid\u2019s activity, cook dinner, and keep this family afloat!\u00a0 I\u2019m drowning.\u00a0 I get up at 6a.m. and run until I puke\u2014 no one even cares.\u00a0 I can\u2019t work out, the garage is a disaster and I\u2019m exhausted. You want to come home to Utopia, but you have no idea what that takes!\u201d<\/p>\n

YOU: (hackles raised, but having read this post), ignore the you in the statement and don\u2019t respond to the attack.\u00a0 Simply acknowledge<\/span> their pain, \u201cI know how hard you work to hold this family together.\u00a0 I appreciate your hard work.\u00a0 What I hear you saying is you can\u2019t find time to breathe, relax and find a few minutes each day for yourself?\u201d<\/p>\n

THEM: (leery of this approach but happy you noticed their efforts) \u201cThank you.\u00a0 Yes, I just need a little help.\u00a0 No one appreciates how hard I\u2019m trying!\u201d<\/p>\n

YOU: (smiling and nodding) simply acknowledge<\/span> (never go to E before A), \u201cI really don\u2019t know how you do it all without having a break down.\u201d\u00a0 Now explore<\/span> the issue by saying,\u00a0 \u201cDo you think we should come up with a way that we all can pitch in and create a space so you can breathe, too?\u201d<\/p>\n

THEM: (relaxing, trusting you) \u201cWell\u2026I hadn\u2019t thought about that.\u00a0 But yeah, I think if we did x, y and z\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

YOU: (acknowledging<\/span> the idea) \u201cYou know, I hadn\u2019t thought of that.\u201d\u00a0 Now explore with a question again, \u201cSo you think if we did x, y, z we\u2019d be able to streamline better?\u201d<\/p>\n

After flushing out their thoughts you can finally respon<\/span>d, \u201cI\u2019m so glad we discussed this.\u00a0 I like your ideas and I have some ideas as well. Would you like to hear them?\u201d<\/p>\n

Again, by listening<\/span>, acknowledging<\/span> what they said, and validating you care by exploring <\/span>their ideas further, state your opinion. Now the floor is yours to solve the problem, with a come-together-let\u2019s-get-it-done attitude.<\/p>\n

You can apply LAER to any situation. \u00a0Stop when you catch yourself responding<\/span> first.\u00a0 It\u2019s a hard habit to break, but worth it.\u00a0 And please, remember email is a lazy form of communication (so is texting).\u00a0 At best, it moves your crap pile to their crap pile, until they start flinging it back.\u00a0 Quicker solutions come when you dump email, use LAER and learn to compartmentalize people issues from system issues.<\/p>\n

Last by not least; use my daddy\u2019s 20-Minute-Rule.<\/p>\n

If you talk about the same employee longer than 20 minutes, you need a new employee.\u00a0 So, wouldn\u2019t that translate to the personal space as well?\u00a0 If you keep talking or stewing about someone or something for longer than 20 minutes, it\u2019s time for a state of the union to make changes.\u00a0 (Just don\u2019t forget your new friend LAER.)<\/p>\n

If you rank your relationship higher than your \u201cideas\u201d or opinions, you\u2019ll transform your relationship to one where problem solving becomes the catalyst for change in your life on every level.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The FREE PickTheBrain “90 Days to a Better You” eCourse was built to give you more confidence than you ever thought possible. You get one confidence boosting email a day, a motivational quote, and a photo to inspire you – all for Free<\/p>\n

Join us today…<\/p>\n

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 <\/p>\n

Lori Taylor is a direct marketing specialist<\/a> and personal development writer.<\/a> Follow her on Twitter<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Bad communication styles are the root of most problems. Closing the gap on what people said is the first step to transforming a bad situation into a positive one. See each problem as an opportunity to improve and transform; your business, your relationship\u2026your life! Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12163,"featured_media":4356,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0},"categories":[754],"tags":[4655,4646,4653,739,66,4629],"yoast_head":"\nDay 29: How To Stop Focusing On People & Focus On Issues (It\u2019s Easy If You Do This) - Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Email is a communication tool for tactical instructions. It\u2019s great for next steps, follow up and task lists. 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