{"id":3220,"date":"2010-08-30T22:25:44","date_gmt":"2010-08-31T06:25:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/?p=3220"},"modified":"2013-08-23T10:01:05","modified_gmt":"2013-08-23T18:01:05","slug":"why-people-pleasers-get-hit-by-trains","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/why-people-pleasers-get-hit-by-trains\/","title":{"rendered":"Why People Pleasers Get Hit By Trains"},"content":{"rendered":"<div style=\"margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px;\" class=\"sharethis-inline-share-buttons\" ><\/div><p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.pullman-museum.org\/main\/prg486b.jpg\"><\/a><\/p>\n<p>In the hit film <strong>Inception<\/strong> Leonardo DiCaprio plays a man who can enter peoples\u2019 dreams to steal corporate secrets. At one point (spoiler coming) he enters a businessman\u2019s dream and is driving down a city street in a parade of cars when a 300-ton freight train juggernauts out of a side road and smashes into the lead car taking vehicles, asphalt and everything else with it\u2026.<\/p>\n<p>If you are a people pleaser, then not only are you in a dream-world where you <em>think<\/em> others control you, but you are also in that lead car. And each time you give in to someone and compromise your dreams you get hit\u2026hard.<!--more--><\/p>\n<p>In this article I\u2019m going to introduce several \u2018truths\u2019 about the mindset that leads to people pleasing, the repercussions, and what you can do about it to keep <em>yourself<\/em> \u2018on track\u2019 (and the trains decommissioned or left in the sidings).<\/p>\n<p><strong>Truth 1:<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>It\u2019s your train<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Train, of course, is a metaphor for negative, unhelpful attitudes, beliefs and thinking patterns which \u2018derail you\u2019 from your chosen course of action. But unlike British Rail, or the New York Metro, <strong>you actually own these \u2018trains\u2019<\/strong>. I know it <em>seems<\/em> that they just career out of no-where and smash into your conscious but all that\u2019s about to change. It\u2019s time to apply the emergency break!<\/p>\n<p>Try stepping back (mentally) and asking yourself:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Do I have to tolerate this thinking pattern any longer than necessary?<\/li>\n<li>How long before I step up and take control of what I already own?<\/li>\n<li>Am I\u2019m willing to claim ownership now?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>\u2018People pleasing\u2019 often comes from believing that <em>other people<\/em> have more authority than you; that when it comes down to the deciding vote between you and them \u2013 they have the final say. This is a thinking process often referred to as a meta-program \u2013 a set of instructions that operate meta \u2013 above\u2019 \u2013 what you are consciously aware of. You can become aware of them, but most people don\u2019t.<\/p>\n<p>So unless you have taken ownership of your \u2018train\u2019 it will continue to \u2018hit you\u2019 without you knowing where or when to expect it.<\/p>\n<p>Think of it this way. When you have a problem with someone else, when you call them a bully or an enemy your problem is not just with them. It is with <strong>your <em>concept<\/em><\/strong> of them. You are classifying them and rejecting them according to your mental model of how they are behaving. Geddit?<\/p>\n<p>Therefore, you have the power to reclassify people in your head. Recently, I decided I would not use the concept \u2018enemy\u2019 any more as it prevented me from looking at the situation objectively (I know all perception is subjective, but it helps me to think this way!)<\/p>\n<p>As I did this, I remembered something I\u2019d been taught: \u201cPeople are not the problem, it\u2019s the frames\u2026.\u201d And remembering that all that stands between us is a difference of opinion and as a difference opinion doesn\u2019t necessarily make someone \u2018evil\u2019 or someone to avoid, I feel a lot freer in my head. And I don\u2019t hear the sound of a train approaching\u2026!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Truth 2: <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Runaway trains do damage <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">all along <\/span>the line<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019ve ever seen a thriller with a runaway train then the destruction is often caused not just at the end (when the train inevitably goes off a cliff or bridge, or crashes through a station) but also along the line, hitting cars, level crossings and various other objects it comes into contact with.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s not just at the time you give in to others that the train hits you. Each time you say \u201cOk Frank, I\u2019ll do it your way\u201d you take a bashing to your self-confidence (btw \u2013 the \u2018fidence\u2019 in confidence comes from fidelity and means faith\/truth in &#8211; so confidence refers to your \u2018faith in\u2019 something) and increase your reliance on others.<\/p>\n<p>This means, further down the life-line, you\u2019ll have grown less and less confident in your own ability to decide for yourself. This may lead to a lowering of self-esteem and even a questioning of your personal identity.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy aren\u2019t I man enough to stand up to them?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m just a weak woman and I hate myself for it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ask yourself:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAm I prepared to put up with the long term consequences of doing what others want when it\u2019s not what I want?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong>Truth 3<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>There are other people on the train that hit you (and they don\u2019t even know it)<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>And, sorry to say \u2013 <strong>you put them there<\/strong>. These are people you have given authority to boss you around, and then claim you can\u2019t do anything about it.<\/p>\n<p>Remember, it\u2019s <strong>your<\/strong> train.<\/p>\n<p>Leaving the train metaphor aside, a great way to find out where these people are (in your head) is to use the Social Panorama model. This is an NLP model that helps you understand how to move people around or shrink them down so they don\u2019t bother you so much. There\u2019s a book called the Social Panorama which teaches you about it, and there\u2019s information on the internet that\u2019ll get you started.<\/p>\n<p>Question: Who put you in charge of me?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Truth 4:<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>There is no Train<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s true. It\u2019s all in your head. Just as there is no spoon, there is no train.<\/p>\n<p>The last truly great dream-world film was the Matrix (also good is the 13th Floor, 1999) where humanity was locked into a computer-generated illusion and didn\u2019t know it. Those who broke free could re-enter the Matrix with the power to bend and break the rules of the system, and fight the Agents of the system that originally seemed undefeatable.<\/p>\n<p>In real life, those Matrix rules <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">are the mental rules you live by<\/span>. These are the rules of society you have consciously or unconsciously adopted. When you change the rules, you change the game, right? If you take the ladders out of snakes and ladders, it\u2019s a whole different game\u2026! If you tackle the key ideas that make up your train, you can make it fall apart in a matter of minutes. A great coach can help you do this, or you could start with a book like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy by Avy Joseph which is not really about therapy but absolutely superb for busting beliefs.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Truth 5: HOW TO STOP YOUR TRAIN<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Simple. You just stand in front of it and shout stop with every bit of refusal and aggression you can manage. I know you fear you\u2019ll get pasted across the windscreen like a bug or crushed under the wheels but that\u2019s just the way your mind works. It\u2019s not real, remember. Repeat that as it approaches\u2026it\u2019s not real\u2026it\u2019s not real.<\/p>\n<p>To dissipate the train, you just need to decide that it\u2019s not a train (problem) any more OR that you\u2019re not going to let it run on your mental tracks. You are the Fat Controller (only Thomas fans will get that one.)<\/p>\n<p>Rise up in your mind to a place where you feel you could make a good decision from (or have made a good decision in the past). Then ask yourself if you\u2019d eat a plate of squirming maggots in rancid flesh. Feeling the NO WAY? Then take that feeling and apply it to your \u2018thought-train\u2019. Again and again until that thought breaks up and feels like it\u2019s not an issue any more.<\/p>\n<p>This is a real technique known as the meta-no technique and is a staple belief change of the field of Neurosemantics<\/p>\n<p>To summarize\u2026<\/p>\n<p>Obviously I have used a metaphor to suggest that letting others run your brain for you is unhealthy, and an illusion at best. It\u2019s not easy to challenge what feels so real in your own neurology but seriously, for the sake of your dreams and sanity I urge you to give it a go. Here\u2019s a hint: don\u2019t wait until you feel strong enough to do it because you probably never will.<\/p>\n<p>And if you need help scrapping your train, contact me.<\/p>\n<p>To your highest and best,<\/p>\n<p>Doug Cartwright<\/p>\n<p><em>Doug is a Meta-Coach in the field of Neurosemantics and has been helping professional career clients \u2018live their words\u2019 for the last few years. If you are interested in finding out more, visit <a href=\"http:\/\/www.livingwords.net\/\">www.livingwords.net<\/a> or for his latest product (for the outrageous price of \u00a310) which is called The Personal PowerPack (self-esteem and confidence building) go to <a href=\"http:\/\/www.personal-powerpack.com\/\">www.personal-powerpack.com<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/twitter.com\/pickthebrain\">Don&#8217;t Forget To Follow PickTheBrain on Twitter! <\/a><\/p>\n<p><em><strong>Related Articles:<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/reclaim-your-dreams-its-time-to-come-alive\/\">Reclaim Your Dream, It&#8217;s Time to Come Alive <\/a><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/importance-of-reading\/\">Why You Should Read Personal Development Books <\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>In this article I\u2019m going to introduce several \u2018truths\u2019 about the mindset that leads to people pleasing, the repercussions, and what you can do about it to keep yourself \u2018on track\u2019 <a href=\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/why-people-pleasers-get-hit-by-trains\/\">Continue reading <span class=\"meta-nav\">&rarr;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12163,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0},"categories":[6],"tags":[4653,659,66,660,4652,4629,661],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v19.1 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Why People Pleasers Get Hit By Trains<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"If you are a people pleaser, then not only are you in a dream-world where you think others control you, but you are also in that lead car. 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