{"id":25305,"date":"2014-04-02T21:00:08","date_gmt":"2014-04-03T05:00:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/?p=25305"},"modified":"2014-04-02T21:00:08","modified_gmt":"2014-04-03T05:00:08","slug":"8-tips-become-better-listener","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/8-tips-become-better-listener\/","title":{"rendered":"8 Tips To Become A Better Listener"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

<\/p>\n

\u201cMost people do not listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply\u201d Stephen Covey.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

If you\u2019ve spent your life talking over people, \u201cstory-topping\u201d, imparting wisdom, interrupting and just generally dominating the conversation then you\u2019ll want to shut your mouth for a second and listen up.<\/p>\n

When another person is talking, it\u2019s more than just an opportunity for you to figure out what you\u2019re going to say next. It\u2019s an opportunity to connect with them, to understand them to show that you care by giving them your full attention.<\/p>\n

And I mean all of it! No digging through your memory-bank to find a similar experience to share, no zoning out and thinking about stuff you\u2019d rather be doing and absolutely no glancing at your phone!<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s how to do it.<\/p>\n

1) Get clear on how you want to behave<\/b><\/h1>\n

Think about the sort of friend\/partner\/parent\/employee\/family member that you would really love to be, even if you\u2019re nothing like that just yet, start by figuring out how you\u2019d like<\/i> to be.<\/p>\n

You job is to act as much like this version of yourself as possible. It could help to think of someone you know that is a great listener and also mimic some of their behavior too.<\/p>\n

At every opportunity, ask yourself \u201cAm I really being the partner (etc.) that I truly want to be?\u201d If not, change what you\u2019re doing!<\/p>\n

2) Make eye contact<\/b><\/h1>\n

Look at the person who is talking. It\u2019s not that hard. Put your phone aside, tune out from what else is going around you, tune in to the person you\u2019re with and just look at their face, especially their mouth and eyes.<\/p>\n

Talking to someone who isn\u2019t looking at you sucks. You start wondering whether they\u2019re really listening, whether they care about what you have to say, which in some close relationships can progress into the thought, \u201cWell, maybe I won\u2019t say anything at all\u201d.<\/p>\n

No-body wants this to happen! Just look at their eyes. Seriously, your attention is the greatest gift that you can offer someone.<\/p>\n

3) Demonstrate that you\u2019re listening<\/b><\/h1>\n

Nod, smile, laugh, open up, say things like \u201cmmm\u201d, \u201cuhuh\u201d, \u201cyeah\u201d and \u201cthat\u2019s right\u201d.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t overdo it otherwise you\u2019ll start to sound as if you\u2019re impatiently waiting for a chance to pounce in and take over.<\/p>\n

Just enough so that the person can feel your attention and observe it too.<\/p>\n

4) Leave a pause before you start talking<\/b><\/h1>\n

Before you clamber to get the first word in as soon as the other person stops talking, try leaving a pause for 2 seconds. This feels like forever to a compulsive story-teller but just try. It\u2019s for your own good and that of your relationships.<\/p>\n

Not only will it break the habit but it will also give the other person a chance to continue talking in case they weren\u2019t finished (which they probably weren\u2019t).<\/p>\n

5) Ask a question<\/b><\/h1>\n

Please, I beg you! Whenever you\u2019re about to tell a story, share an opinion or sneakily make the conversation all about you, ask a question instead.<\/p>\n

Asking a question is an invitation for the other person to keep talking. It\u2019s the difference between engagement and just taking it in turns to speak. An engaging conversation is far more enjoyable for everyone involved.<\/p>\n

You are more likely to be remembered, appreciated and generally liked by someone if you show a genuine interest in them.<\/p>\n

6) Be aware of your urges to take over<\/b><\/h1>\n

We all get a thrill from expressing ourselves in a way that feels good to us. For many, it\u2019 talking. We dominate the conversation because we enjoy it and we\u2019ve done it for so long that it\u2019s become a habit.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s a time and a place for opinionated ranting, epic story-telling and getting on the soapbox but if you\u2019re doing this in every conversation you have, then you need to dial it back and find a balance.<\/p>\n

Start by becoming aware of your habits. In the beginning this will probably happen retrospectively as you\u2019ll be on \u2018auto-pilot\u2019.<\/p>\n

Notice what the urge to talk feels like, let it be there and direct your attention back to what the other person is saying.<\/p>\n

Just because you feel a strong urge, it doesn\u2019t mean that you need to act on it.<\/p>\n

7) Assess the value of the story\/opinion you\u2019re about to blurt out<\/b><\/h1>\n

If you can catch yourself before you start talking, consider whether what you\u2019re about to say will contribute positively to the conversation. Maybe it will. Maybe you\u2019ve had an experience that will be really helpful for the other person to hear about. Cool.<\/p>\n

But, if you\u2019re just regurgitating some old story that serves only to keep you on the stage, then it\u2019s time to reassess your intentions.<\/p>\n

Ask yourself, \u201cIs what I\u2019m about to say going to be helpful, positive or supportive?\u201d, If the answer is \u201cyes\u201d, then go for it, if the answer is \u201cno\u201d then maybe ask a questions instead.<\/p>\n

8) Strengthen your listening \u201cmuscle\u201d<\/b><\/h1>\n

If you\u2019re struggling with this whole listening thing, remind yourself of the reasons why you want to be a better listener in the first place.<\/p>\n

By practicing these techniques regularly you\u2019ll break your old habits and start to form new ones. Choose a person that you want to give more attention to and use every conversation with them as an opportunity to practice listening and to strengthen your \u2018muscles\u2019.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t assume that you\u2019ll get it straight away. It will take time, discipline and a whole lot of thoughtful pauses, but you\u2019ll get there. And believe me, the relationships you\u2019ll be nurturing along the way are totally worth it!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"Naomi<\/p>\n

Naomi Goodlet is a mindfulness crusader, spiritual rebel, acceptance & commitment therapy ACT-ivist, anxiety hacker and blogger at naomigoodlet.com<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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