{"id":22935,"date":"2013-11-09T11:39:26","date_gmt":"2013-11-09T19:39:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/?p=22935"},"modified":"2013-11-09T11:39:26","modified_gmt":"2013-11-09T19:39:26","slug":"modern-dating-13-step-program","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/modern-dating-13-step-program\/","title":{"rendered":"Modern Dating: A 13-Step Program"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

<\/p>\n

Consider the thirteen steps of modern dating:<\/p>\n

We had coffee.
\nWe met for a drink.
\nWe went to dinner the other night.
\nWe finally hooked up.
\nWe\u2019re kinda dating.
\nWe\u2019re dating but we\u2019re still seeing other people.
\nWe\u2019re in a relationship but I don\u2019t know if we\u2019re committed or not.
\nI\u2019m thinking about having the \u201ccommitment conversation.\u201d
\nI just found out he\/she\u2019s been seeing someone else the entire time!
\nI guess you could say he\/she is my boy\/girlfriend.
\nWe\u2019re in a committed relationship.
\nIt\u2019s getting serious.
\n\u2026 a week later \u2026
\nI\u2019m seeing someone else.<\/p>\n

Okay, so it\u2019s not really that bad. But the point here is that people tend to \u201cadvance the frames\u201d in their own mind while they forget to communicate with their partner. Every step of the way, they wonder about the relationship status and where the relationship is heading, but it\u2019s so much easier just to ask.<\/p>\n

I had lunch with a friend recently and she was really uncertain about where things stood with the guy she was seeing. I told her to be direct and honest and just ask him, and I was amazed at how many \u201cbuts\u201d she had:<\/p>\n

But I don\u2019t want to scare him off.
\nBut I don\u2019t want to put pressure on him.
\nBut I don\u2019t want to seem desperate.
\nBut I don\u2019t want him to think I\u2019m controlling.<\/p>\n

Perhaps it\u2019s a fine line, but it\u2019s not desperate to want to communicate. And there\u2019s a big difference between expressing curiosity and being controlling. It\u2019s all in how you ask the question:<\/p>\n

Are we in a committed relationship?\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0vs.\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0I want a committed relationship.
\nAre you seeing other people?\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0vs.\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0I don\u2019t want you to see other people.<\/p>\n

And if questions like these frighten off the other person now, it means that\u2019s not where their head is at and it wasn\u2019t going to go in that direction anyway. So you save a lot of wasted time and emotional investment and unnecessary suffering and emotional pain.<\/p>\n

Personally, I always appreciated direct questions and a direct approach. It means I didn\u2019t have to wonder. And if either of us didn\u2019t like the answers, we could move on and we saved ourselves a lot of time.<\/p>\n

If you aren\u2019t sure when you are going to see each other again, then you\u2019re not in a relationship. If he only calls you once a week, he\u2019s seeing other people. If you haven\u2019t talked about being in a committed relationship, you\u2019re not in one. And if you are afraid to ask him if he wants you to be his girlfriend, he\u2019s not your boyfriend.<\/p>\n

Sure, too much honesty and directness can scare someone off. But no honesty and no directness will only prolong the uncertainty and waste a lot of time.<\/p>\n

Paul N. Weinberg is the coauthor of The I Factor<\/a>, an inspirational and aspirational book about connection in the age of social media. The I Factor was recently published to rave reviews and endorsements from some of today\u2019s biggest celebrities, including Larry King, Jack Canfield, Marianne Williamson, and Sofia Vergara. Available exclusively online in print and ebook versions through Amazon.com and the Apple iTunes Bookstore. www.theifactor.com<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

But the point here is that people tend to \u201cadvance the frames\u201d in their own mind while they forget to communicate with their partner. Every step of the way, they wonder about the relationship status and where the relationship is heading, but it\u2019s so much easier just to ask. Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12163,"featured_media":22937,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0},"categories":[38,58,6],"tags":[4646,4653,1662,4641,128,66,4651,4629],"yoast_head":"\nModern Dating: A 13-Step Program - Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"But the point here is that people tend to \u201cadvance the frames\u201d in their own mind while they forget to communicate with their partner. 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