{"id":14762,"date":"2013-07-15T23:25:24","date_gmt":"2013-07-16T07:25:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/?p=14762"},"modified":"2013-07-15T23:26:35","modified_gmt":"2013-07-16T07:26:35","slug":"managing-our-emotional-monsters-why-control-doesnt-work","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/managing-our-emotional-monsters-why-control-doesnt-work\/","title":{"rendered":"Managing Our Emotional Monsters: Why Control Doesn\u2019t Work"},"content":{"rendered":"<div style=\"margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px;\" class=\"sharethis-inline-share-buttons\" ><\/div><p><\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re an average human being, you may be doing something that is actually based on a <b>huge myth<\/b>.<\/p>\n<p>You may be trying to control your feelings.<\/p>\n<p>Not the \u2018good\u2019 ones of course. We all like joy, love, contentment, and happiness. It\u2019s the \u2018bad\u2019 ones we try to control: anger, anxiety, fear, jealousy, sadness, guilt.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s normal to try to control our \u2018bad\u2019 or uncomfortable emotions. According to Russ Harris, author of <a href=\"http:\/\/www.thehappinesstrap.com\"><i>The Happiness Trap<\/i><\/a>, there are at least four good reasons for us to do so.<\/p>\n<p><b>1. We think we should always be happy.<\/b><\/p>\n<p>Our society is very happiness-driven. So, if we\u2019re feeling a painful emotion, we think something is wrong with us and we feel pressured to get back to the \u201cnorm\u201d of happiness.<\/p>\n<p>This, of course, is a myth within a myth. Happiness is as transient an emotion as any of them. It comes and goes; it\u2019s not a steady state.<\/p>\n<p><b>2. The things we do to control our emotions often <i>do<\/i> work. In the short run.<\/b><\/p>\n<p>How many of these solutions do you try to control and\/or avoid your \u2018bad\u2019 emotions?<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Eating unhealthy foods<\/li>\n<li>Drinking alcohol<\/li>\n<li>Watching television<\/li>\n<li>Staying busy<\/li>\n<li>Smoking<\/li>\n<li>Using drugs (including prescription drugs)<\/li>\n<li>Suppressing thoughts\/not thinking about feelings<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>These things work. For a while.<\/p>\n<p>But soon the novelty of the distraction technique wears off and we\u2019re <b>still<\/b> stuck with our feelings.<\/p>\n<p><b>3. We think these things work for others.<\/b><\/p>\n<p>We\u2019re humans so our tendency is to compare ourselves to others. It <i>seems<\/i> like these methods of dealing with difficult feelings work for other people, so we try them ourselves.<\/p>\n<p><b>4. Our minds are <i>meant<\/i> to solve problems.<\/b><\/p>\n<p>Think about it. Our ancestors had one job: to stay alive. Thus, our brains developed specifically to solve problems like how to create fire and how to avoid that saber-toothed tiger.<\/p>\n<p>So it makes sense that our modern-day brains continue to try to solve problems, including how to get rid of these uncomfortable emotions we feel at times.<\/p>\n<h2>Control is the problem<\/h2>\n<p>However, trying to control feelings is actually the problem.<\/p>\n<p><b>And the myth.<\/b><\/p>\n<p>To demonstrate how good we are at controlling our feelings, try these three exercises for me:<\/p>\n<p><b>1. Numb your arm.<\/b><\/p>\n<p>Let\u2019s start with a physical feeling. Without moving or applying a tourniquet, I want you to numb your arm with your mind only. Go ahead. Numb it.<\/p>\n<p>How\u2019d that go?<\/p>\n<p><b>2. Pass the polygraph.<\/b><\/p>\n<p>Now imagine that I\u2019m holding you hostage and I\u2019ve hooked you up to a polygraph machine. The only way you can escape is to pass a lie-detector test. But if you show even the <i>slightest<\/i> bit of anxiety, you\u2019ll be electrocuted.<\/p>\n<p>Ready? Do you think you can control your anxiety such that your heart won\u2019t beat even a smidgen faster?<\/p>\n<p>How\u2019d you do?<\/p>\n<p><b>3. Fall in love on cue.<\/b><\/p>\n<p>Now imagine that I\u2019m going to give you a jillion dollars if you can complete this exercise: All you have to do is fall in love with someone I point out. And I have you attached to a special machine that will verify whether you\u2019re truly in love and not just faking it.<\/p>\n<p>Ready? Okay, fall in love with that man over there in the 1977 Datsun who hasn\u2019t had a bath for three months. Go ahead.<\/p>\n<p>Well? Did you win the jillion dollars?<\/p>\n<h2>Managing the monsters of your emotions<\/h2>\n<p>So I\u2019m guessing my point is pretty well taken by now.<\/p>\n<p>As much as we\u2019d like to, we can\u2019t completely control our feelings. And we probably shouldn\u2019t: there are tons of studies that show that the more we try to <b>not<\/b> think about a thought or a feeling, the <b>bigger<\/b> it will become.<\/p>\n<p>What to do, then, when you\u2019re going through a rough time emotionally?<\/p>\n<p>If you can stand another metaphor, I want to talk to you about some passengers on a bus.<\/p>\n<p>Imagine that you\u2019re the driver of a bus. You\u2019re alone on the bus except for some very unruly passengers. They\u2019re mean and aggressive and ferocious looking. As a matter of fact, these passengers are monsters.<\/p>\n<p>You want to drive the bus in a meaningful direction \u2013 to pick up other passengers who actually need a ride, to go back to the bus barn and pursue your off-duty life, or just to see new, exciting things you\u2019ve never seen before.<\/p>\n<p>But each time you turn the bus toward one of those directions, the monsters roar and growl and come charging at you. They surround you with their sharp claws and nasty teeth and bellow, \u201cYou have to go where <b>we<\/b> tell you to go! Turn around and drive the route you were on before or we\u2019ll slash you with our sharp claws and bite you with our nasty teeth!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Shaken, you turn the bus around. Anything to get these monsters away from you. Seeing that you\u2019re obeying them, the monsters go back to their seats. But every time you try to change your route, they rise up and threaten you again.<\/p>\n<p>But there\u2019s something very important you need to know about these monsters.<\/p>\n<p><b>They can\u2019t really hurt you.<\/b><\/p>\n<p>Although they look and sound ferocious (and don\u2019t smell great, either,) they are not able to touch you. All they can do is roar and howl and threaten.<\/p>\n<p>Once you discover this, you muster your courage and change your route to where <b>you<\/b> want to go. On cue, the monsters rush you, waving their arms with their sharp claws and gnashing their nasty teeth. But this time, you notice that they are not touching you. They\u2019re still scary, but they\u2019re actually harmless. The monsters retreat to their seats, frustrated at not being able to intimidate you.<\/p>\n<p><b>You\u2019re now free to go where you want.<\/b> In fact, you\u2019ve always been free, you just didn\u2019t know it because you were too busy trying to stay on the route the monsters had you on.<\/p>\n<p>The monsters are the \u2018ugly\u2019 emotions we try so hard to avoid and control. They scare us because they don\u2019t feel good and they\u2019re threatening.<\/p>\n<p>And yet, they can\u2019t really hurt us. We can still live our lives and move in the direction we want even <b>with<\/b> the presence of painful emotions. Notice that in our bus metaphor, the monsters never really disappear, do they? They\u2019re still there, but now you are able to drive in the direction you want to go.<\/p>\n<p>The next time you feel driven by your painful feelings, pull over for a minute. <b>Remember that your feelings, although ugly and scary, can\u2019t really hurt you.<\/b><\/p>\n<p>Take a breath, allow those feelings to <i>just be<\/i> within you, and keep living the life you want to live. I think those monsters just might end up enjoying the ride after all.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Bobbi Emel is a psychotherapist who helps you bounce back from life\u2019s significant challenges. <a href=\"http:\/\/www.thebounceblog.com\/opt-in-giveaway-landing-page\">Download her FREE ebook<\/a>, <i>Bounce Back! 5 keys to survive <b>and thrive<\/b> through life\u2019s ups and downs.<\/i> You can read more of her writing at <a href=\"http:\/\/www.thebounceblog.com\">The Bounce Blog<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If you\u2019re an average human being, you may be doing something that is actually based on a huge myth.<\/p>\n<p>You may be trying to control your feelings. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/managing-our-emotional-monsters-why-control-doesnt-work\/\">Continue reading <span class=\"meta-nav\">&rarr;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12163,"featured_media":14763,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0},"categories":[205,6],"tags":[2250,356,4641,4651,4629,4640],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v19.1 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Managing Our Emotional Monsters: Why Control Doesn\u2019t Work - Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"If you\u2019re an average human being, you may be doing something that is actually based on a huge myth. 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You may be trying to control your feelings.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/managing-our-emotional-monsters-why-control-doesnt-work\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"http:\/\/www.facebook.com\/pickthebrain\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2013-07-16T07:25:24+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2013-07-16T07:26:35+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/07\/south_korea_high_wire.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"499\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"365\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@pickthebrain\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@pickthebrain\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Erin Falconer\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/\",\"name\":\"Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement\",\"description\":\"\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/managing-our-emotional-monsters-why-control-doesnt-work\/#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/07\/south_korea_high_wire.jpg\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/07\/south_korea_high_wire.jpg\",\"width\":499,\"height\":365},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/managing-our-emotional-monsters-why-control-doesnt-work\/#webpage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/managing-our-emotional-monsters-why-control-doesnt-work\/\",\"name\":\"Managing Our Emotional Monsters: Why Control Doesn\u2019t Work - Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/managing-our-emotional-monsters-why-control-doesnt-work\/#primaryimage\"},\"datePublished\":\"2013-07-16T07:25:24+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2013-07-16T07:26:35+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/2da8ae162c097bdb749ab098472b4cc5\"},\"description\":\"If you\u2019re an average human being, you may be doing something that is actually based on a huge myth. 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