{"id":13183,"date":"2013-03-13T20:27:52","date_gmt":"2013-03-14T04:27:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/?p=13183"},"modified":"2013-03-21T16:02:07","modified_gmt":"2013-03-22T00:02:07","slug":"5-easy-ways-to-be-nicer-to-yourself","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/5-easy-ways-to-be-nicer-to-yourself\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Easy Ways to Be Nicer to Yourself"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

It was every parent\u2019s nightmare.<\/p>\n

Kristin Neff was on an airplane with her husband and her young son, Rowan, and all was well.<\/p>\n

Until Rowan suddenly threw a tantrum. And not just any tantrum. This was a crying, screaming, flailing-on-the-floor kind of tantrum.<\/p>\n

Kristin was mortified.<\/p>\n

She took Rowan from his seat and led him, literally kicking and screaming, up the aisle of the airplane, hoping to get him into a bathroom where she and Rowan could work together toward settling him down.<\/p>\n

\u201cI could feel the daggers coming from the other passengers\u2019 eyes,\u201d she said. \u201cThey all assumed he was just some kid who was acting out terribly.\u201d<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

What the passengers didn\u2019t know is that Rowan has autism and sometimes there was not a lot that could be done about his tantrums.<\/p>\n

Reaching the airplane bathroom, Kristin saw the dreaded red-letter word: occupied<\/i>.<\/p>\n

With Rowan still screaming and struggling, Kristin did something unexpected and very courageous:<\/p>\n

She was kind to herself.<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n

Quietly, while hanging on to Rowan and facing row after row of irritated, staring passengers, Kristin repeated to herself:<\/p>\n

This is a moment of suffering<\/i><\/p>\n

Suffering is a part of life<\/i><\/p>\n

May I be kind to myself<\/i><\/p>\n

May I give myself the compassion I need<\/i><\/p>\n

The Courage to Be Self-Compassionate<\/h3>\n

\"kindness<\/p>\n

How was Kristin able to be kind to herself in that horrible moment rather than lapsing into panic, anger, or lashing out at Rowan in some way?<\/p>\n

I\u2019m sure her years of practice in loving-kindness meditation were helpful and essential. And it certainly doesn\u2019t hurt that she is the leading researcher and expert in the field of self-compassion.<\/p>\n

Years of observing people stumbling over the concept of self-compassion has shown her that we commonly think that treating ourselves kindly will result in being lazy, self-indulgent, and wallowing in self-pity.<\/p>\n

As these traits are devalued in our culture, you may have used a universal way to motivate yourself: self-criticism.<\/p>\n

Self-criticism actually does<\/i> work to motivate us to a certain extent.<\/p>\n

However, it creates a lot of trouble in doing so: fear of failure, thoughts of not being good enough, and fear of humiliation, just to name a few.<\/p>\n

And, says Dr. Neff, self-criticism also provides you with the illusion of control. If you just worked harder, looked prettier, or acted nicer, you could achieve that perfection you\u2019ve been seeking, right?<\/p>\n

You know the answer to that question, but the pursuit of perfection and the lure of control are hard to shake.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s why it takes courage to be self-compassionate.<\/p>\n

It requires you to release control and acknowledge that you are imperfect, that you make mistakes and always will. Rather than struggling with the unreachable goal of perfection, self-compassion requires you to let go of your resistance to your own humanity and go with<\/i> it instead.<\/p>\n

The Myths of Self-Compassion<\/h3>\n

Let\u2019s look more closely at some of the beliefs we have about self-compassion which, as it turns out, really aren\u2019t true.<\/p>\n

Myth 1: Self-compassion is selfish.<\/b><\/p>\n

In our culture, we are taught to care for everyone except ourselves. Self-compassion can thus be seen as selfish, that taking care of yourself means you are not doing what you are supposed to be doing: taking care of someone else.<\/p>\n

Reality:<\/b> Caring for others requires loving-kindness and authenticity. If you haven\u2019t created those traits for yourself, how can you give them to others?<\/p>\n

Myth 2: Self-compassion is indulgent.<\/b><\/p>\n

You might be concerned that being nice to yourself just lets you off the hook and encourages you to be self-indulgent.<\/p>\n

Reality: <\/b>Self-compassion is about your\u00a0health and well-being<\/b>\u00a0while self-indulgence is about getting anything you want when you want it without thoughts of well-being.<\/p>\n

Self-compassion is about noticing and being with your pain. Self-indulgence is about numbing and denying your pain.<\/p>\n

Myth 3: \u00a0Self-criticism is what motivates you.<\/b><\/p>\n

As mentioned above, sometimes self-criticism does provide motivation. One of the things it likely evolved to do was to keep us safe.<\/p>\n

Reality: <\/b>While it\u2019s possible the inner critic developed to perform this task, you don\u2019t need it anymore. We have many ways to keep ourselves safe, so we really don\u2019t need a critical voice in our heads to do so.<\/p>\n

Similarly, we don\u2019t need to be internally nagged and disparaged to accomplish things. Being self-compassionate gives you the confidence you need to\u00a0motivate yourself.<\/p>\n

Myth 4: Self-compassion is wimpy.<\/b><\/p>\n

In our individualistic society, you are supposed to \u201cpull yourself up by your bootstraps\u201d and tough things out. Be kind to yourself? Quit being such a wimp!<\/p>\n

Reality: <\/b>Actually, self-compassion serves to heal and strengthen you. It is, in fact, the strongest and most resilient among us who have the courage to be kind to ourselves.<\/p>\n

5 Ways to Be Nicer to Yourself<\/h3>\n

1. Acknowledge your suffering and pain<\/b>.<\/i><\/p>\n

You have likely been conditioned to ignore, deny, or suppress your pain but this will only result in more suffering down the road.<\/p>\n

Practice noticing your pain and your tender spots and gently give yourself validation that they are real and deserve compassion.<\/p>\n

2. Treat yourself as you would a friend.<\/b><\/p>\n

Think for a moment of how you talk to yourself when you are going through a rough time.<\/p>\n

Now think about if your friend was experiencing the same thing. How would you talk to her? How would you treat her?<\/p>\n

It\u2019s likely you treat yourself much worse than you would a friend who is having the same problems. You might even treat yourself worse than an enemy<\/i> with those problems!<\/p>\n

Talk to and treat yourself as you would your friend.<\/p>\n

Speak gently to yourself. Be understanding.<\/p>\n

Wrap your arms around your shoulders in a hug or put your hands over your heart in a physical display of affection and comfort.<\/p>\n

3. Remember the idea of common humanity.<\/b><\/p>\n

Even if you are going through a tough time of your own doing, does that mean you shouldn\u2019t be kind to yourself?<\/p>\n

No. It means you\u2019re human.<\/p>\n

You are a part of the greater whole of humanity and, as such, remember that all humans are flawed, make mistakes, and are deserving of compassion.<\/p>\n

4. Practice mindfulness.<\/b><\/p>\n

Mindfulness is about paying attention to your current experience without judgment.<\/p>\n

Rather than running away from or suppressing pain, mindfulness allows us just to be<\/i> with these feelings as they are. When Kristin Neff stood with a screaming Rowan at the front of that plane, her practice of mindfulness allowed her to act<\/i> instead of just react. <\/i><\/p>\n

She was able to <\/i>see clearly what her situation was and chose to be self-compassionate rather than becoming angry with Rowan or berating herself.<\/p>\n

There are many ways to practice mindfulness. Neff\u2019s website<\/a> has a number of guided meditations to help you along the way.<\/p>\n

5. Repeat after me.<\/b><\/p>\n

In a quiet place, take a deep, soothing breath, close your eyes, and repeat this loving-kindness meditation to yourself:<\/p>\n

May I be safe<\/i><\/p>\n

May I be peaceful<\/i><\/p>\n

May I be kind to myself<\/i><\/p>\n

May I accept myself as I am<\/i><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Psychotherapist Bobbi Emel helps you bounce back from the significant challenges in your life. Download her FREE ebook<\/a>, Bounce Back! 5 keys to survive and thrive<\/b> through life\u2019s ups and downs.<\/i> You can also join her on Facebook<\/a> where she posts other cool stuff.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Years of observing people stumbling over the concept of self-compassion has shown her that we commonly think that treating ourselves kindly will result in being lazy, self-indulgent, and wallowing in self-pity. Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12163,"featured_media":13184,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0},"categories":[6],"tags":[1745,864,66,4652,54,4629],"yoast_head":"\n5 Easy Ways to Be Nicer to Yourself - Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Rather than struggling with the unreachable goal of perfection, be nicer to yourself. 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