{"id":1188,"date":"2009-11-09T08:53:42","date_gmt":"2009-11-09T16:53:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/?p=1188"},"modified":"2013-08-21T08:48:22","modified_gmt":"2013-08-21T16:48:22","slug":"its-not-rocket-science-how-to-choose-your-life-partner","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/its-not-rocket-science-how-to-choose-your-life-partner\/","title":{"rendered":"It’s Not Rocket Science: How to Choose Your Life Partner"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Image Courtesy of Flickr Blog<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n

If you are like me, no one ever sat you down and instructed you on how to choose a life partner.\u00a0 Yet, this is one of the most critical decisions we will ever make in life \u2013 with potentially huge repercussions for a less-than-ideal choice.\u00a0 A long-term relationship can be one of the most joyous and fulfilling experiences life has to offer.\u00a0 Although you may not have learned it from your mother, here is what you need to know to choose the life partner who is right for you.<\/p>\n

Consider qualities that are important to you<\/strong><\/p>\n

First, become familiar with the qualities that you desire in a partner.\u00a0 It doesn’t matter what they are \u2013 what matters is that you are consciously aware of what is important to you.\u00a0 Take some time to reflect, write a list if it helps you, and keep at it until you are clear about what you want.\u00a0 Two qualities you might seriously consider are honesty and openness\/flexibility.\u00a0 You need to be able to trust your partner to be straight up with you \u2013 about money, preferences, things they are doing, people they are spending time with.\u00a0 In addition, you will want to choose someone who is open to examining themselves, willing to take responsibility for their own behavior, and able to move with the ebbs and flows of life. <\/p>\n

Remember these qualities when you are dating<\/strong><\/p>\n

Now that you have developed a list, have the wisdom to use it.\u00a0 We all know how easily we are sidetracked by sexual attraction, the blush of a new romance, relationship melodrama.\u00a0 If what you want is a partner for life, forget romance and be logical and realistic.\u00a0 As you are getting to know your potential partner, take some time to sit by yourself and determine if he or she possesses the qualities you desire.\u00a0 If so, happily continue dating.\u00a0 If not, find the strength within yourself to stay aligned with what you really want, say a kind goodbye, and move on.\u00a0 Abandon hope that things will change in the future.\u00a0 Base your decision on what you are certain of, which is what you know to be true now.<\/p>\n

Discuss the big issues<\/strong><\/p>\n

I find myself in disbelief when I hear of newly married couples discovering monumental differences on some of the most essential life choices.\u00a0 Spare yourself this challenge by initiating open discussions about children (if, when, how many), child-rearing, money, work, religion, where to live, and relationships with extended family.\u00a0 The purpose of these discussions is to uncover any fundamental differences between you so you can decide if you want to continue the relationship.\u00a0 Do the research thoroughly, but also realize that priorities and preferences have a way of changing over time.\u00a0 This is why openness and flexibility are important.\u00a0 Learn all you can about your potential mate, and have the courage to walk away if the fit is not right for you.<\/p>\n

Find a good friend<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sharing your life with the right partner is a joy.\u00a0 The intensity of the initial attraction will subside, so make sure that the friendship is strong.\u00a0 Do you have common interests?\u00a0 Is your conversation enjoyable and stimulating?\u00a0 Would you choose to spend a free day with this person?\u00a0 If your answer is \u201cyes\u201d to these questions, you have in place an important element that can make your relationship stand the test of time.<\/p>\n

Find a lover<\/strong><\/p>\n

You really want the sexual part of your relationship to work, as stumbling in this area can cause great conflict and dissatisfaction.\u00a0 Appetites will change \u2013 often once children arrive or hormones begin to dwindle.\u00a0 Start off with sexual compatibility, and you are building a strong foundation now and for the future.<\/p>\n

Don’t think that love, or sexual attraction, is enough<\/strong><\/p>\n

How often have you heard, \u201cBut I love him?\u201d\u00a0 A long-term relationship involves so much more than love.\u00a0 A successful relationship requires communication and problem-solving skills, the ability to manage your own emotions, patience, selflessness.\u00a0 You end up dealing with child-rearing, balance between work and home life, crises that inevitably arise.\u00a0 Love and sexual attraction are beautiful expressions, but they are not enough for choosing a life partner.<\/p>\n

Determine if you can solve problems together<\/strong><\/p>\n

Notice how you disagree, and how you recover from disagreements.\u00a0 If you or your partner defend your own positions, you will have difficulty coming to a resolution.\u00a0 The need to be right limits good communication.\u00a0 Look for, and be, someone who speaks respectfully and is open to other points of view.<\/p>\n

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Decide if you can accept your potential partner’s idiosyncrasies<\/strong><\/p>\n

We all have them.\u00a0 Ways of being, things we do, that are our personalities and quirks.\u00a0 Take the blinders off, and see with your eyes wide open to determine if the person you are considering is someone you can actually live with on a daily basis.\u00a0 Reflect on their energy level, preference for time alone, desire for social interaction, ways of handling stress, and level of cleanliness.\u00a0 Don’t be caught by the trap of hoping they will change, and don’t fool yourself into believing that something that bothers you now won’t continue to fester over time.\u00a0 People do change, but there is no guarantee.\u00a0 Contemplate within yourself to see if you can accept your potential mate as is<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Know your dealbreakers<\/strong><\/p>\n

Only you can know your bottom line.\u00a0 You deserve to be with someone who is truly interested in making your relationship thrive.\u00a0 If you are mistreated or disrespected in any way, think twice before moving forward.\u00a0 Take very seriously problems such as addiction, large debt, uncontrollable emotions, or severe mental illness.\u00a0 You can have tremendous compassion for people with these issues, but the likelihood of being in a satisfying relationship with them is negligible.<\/p>\n

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Be an amazing partner<\/strong><\/p>\n

While you are looking, use your time wisely.\u00a0 Reflect within yourself to become aware of the difficulties you might contribute to a relationship.\u00a0 Are you too clingy or afraid of getting close?\u00a0 Are you overly passive or controlling?\u00a0 Do you need to get your own life on track in some important way?\u00a0 Are you attracting, and choosing, people who aren’t right for you?\u00a0 Do you have annoying habits?\u00a0 Are you a grownup, able to make your relationship with a partner a priority over your immediate family?\u00a0 Be happy in your own life, and you will effortlessly bring happiness to others.<\/p>\n

In choosing your partner, I’m inviting you to use your head as well as your heart.\u00a0 When you do, you are opening yourself to the possibility for the deepest intimacy and celebration of life.\u00a0 Allow your heart to expand in every direction, and enjoy the journey!<\/p>\n

What have you learned about choosing a life partner?\u00a0 I’d love to hear your reactions and experiences.<\/p>\n

Gail Brenner, Ph.D. is a guest blogger for PickTheBrain. She offers practical and inspiring wisdom for realizing true happiness at her blog A Flourishing Life<\/a>, focusing on real solutions for self-defeating habits.<\/em><\/p>\n

Don’t Forget To Follow PickTheBrain on Twitter<\/a>! <\/em><\/p>\n

Related Articles:<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Building Healthy Relationships<\/a><\/p>\n

Why Personal Development Should Focus On Human Relationships<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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