{"id":10232,"date":"2012-05-01T22:35:05","date_gmt":"2012-05-02T06:35:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/?p=10232"},"modified":"2013-09-18T10:25:11","modified_gmt":"2013-09-18T18:25:11","slug":"secrets-of-people-who-triumph-what-my-daughters-brief-life-taught-me-about-love-loss-and-triumph","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pickthebrain.com\/blog\/secrets-of-people-who-triumph-what-my-daughters-brief-life-taught-me-about-love-loss-and-triumph\/","title":{"rendered":"Secrets of People Who Triumph \u2013 What My Daughter\u2019s Brief Life Taught Me About Love, Loss, and Triumph"},"content":{"rendered":"
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It\u2019s been twenty years since my newborn daughter, Grace, died.\u00a0 If that last sentence felt like a kick in the gut to you, I\u2019m sorry.\u00a0 But really, really, truly.\u00a0 I\u2019m okay.<\/p>\n

Many, many people want to know how it could even be possible to \u201cget over\u201d such a thing, much less triumph.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not easy, but it CAN be done.\u00a0 In fact, if you read on, you\u2019ll find some of the secrets of people who triumph.<\/p>\n

First, one of the things that helps me share my story with a modicum of dispassion is distance.\u00a0 Still, I don\u2019t want to start our conversation with a misunderstanding.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not TIME that has healed my sorrow.\u00a0 It\u2019s been a whole lot of HARD WORK.<\/strong>\u00a0 And, as Frank James and Russell Friedman share in The Grief Recovery Handbook<\/em>, \u201cHard work takes time.\u201d<\/p>\n

In my work as a Mid-Life Reinventionist, I meet so many people who have difficulty moving forward because of the cumulative weight of unhealed loss.\u00a0 Old wounds get heavier over time.\u00a0 Not lighter.\u00a0 You feel more pain, not less.\u00a0 Resentment, fear, bitterness \u2013 all of these are rooted in our broken places.<\/p>\n

When you experience a loss, a deep sorrow, and you don\u2019t deal with it, it\u2019s like breaking a bone and expecting it to heal on its own.\u00a0 It may reknit itself.\u00a0 But it won\u2019t heal correctly.\u00a0 While the acute pain may dissipate, but your full range of motion is never restored.<\/p>\n

When you do your \u201cgrief work\u201d though, not only is your full range of motion restored, you actually achieve increased emotional and spiritual mobility and flexibility.\u00a0 You are able to move on and achieve things that WERE NOT ACHIEVABLE before your loss.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s because, with right action, your sorrow will dig a deeper trench for joy to flow in.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/p>\n

Your job is to clear the trench, so the joy flows freely.<\/strong><\/p>\n

When you get to this place, though, you may hit a rough patch.\u00a0 You may find it tricky to find support for your \u201cgrief work\u201d among regular folk.\u00a0 That\u2019s because our culture teaches us to how to \u201cget things.\u201d\u00a0 Not how to lose them.<\/p>\n

No worries, though.\u00a0 There ARE \u201csecret\u201d strategies that you can use to help yourself.<\/p>\n

Here are a few ways to transform your adversity into triumph:<\/p>\n

Secret #1 — People Who Triumph Go Against the Crowd<\/span><\/strong>.\u00a0 Not everyone you know will \u201cget\u201d why you are intentionally bringing up \u201cold stuff.\u201d\u00a0 No matter.\u00a0 You don\u2019t need everyone in your world to understand the work that you are doing.\u00a0 This lack of support can make you feel like you are swimming against the crowd.\u00a0 You are.\u00a0 People who triumph \u2013 in ANY domain \u2013 swim against the crowd.\u00a0 You don\u2019t need everyone to move with you \u2013 just a few dedicated friends.<\/p>\n

Secret #2 \u2013 Feel Your Pain.\u00a0 THEN Let it Go.<\/span><\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 The most important part of this secret is the word \u201cTHEN.\u201d It\u2019s very important to work this secret in the proper order.\u00a0 People who get stuck, people who suffer from old and festering sorrows, skip that \u201cfeel your pain\u201d part.\u00a0 Their sorrow persists because they attempt to short-cut the process.<\/p>\n

Secret #3 \u2013 Give Time Time.<\/span><\/strong>\u00a0 Everyone wants to know how long it takes to get through something hard.\u00a0 The answer, of course, is \u201cit depends.\u201d\u00a0 It depends on the nature of the sorrow.\u00a0 It depends on how much support you have.\u00a0 It depends on your \u201closs history\u201d and how many old wounds your current loss triggers.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the thing, Sweet Pea \u2013 when it comes to healing, there\u2019s not an awful lot you can do to\u00a0 speed things along.\u00a0 BUT, there is an awful you can do to lengthen your suffering.\u00a0 Keep moving forward with your \u201cgrief work.\u201d\u00a0 <\/em>The only way out is through.<\/p>\n

Secret #4 \u2013 Don\u2019t Forget That \u201cLet It Go\u201d Part of Secret #2<\/span><\/strong>.\u00a0 At some point, you will grow sick and tired of being sick and tired.\u00a0 You will start to feel an itch to move on.\u00a0 This one is tricky because you may feel disloyal leaving your suffering behind.<\/p>\n

When I got to this point, I had an additional sorrow to deal with.\u00a0 Because Grace was a newborn when she died — because no one ever knew her — I felt like my suffering was the only tangible evidence of her life.\u00a0 Letting go felt like another \u201cfinal\u201d death.\u00a0 But, the reason you are going to be able to move on is because you will \u00a0. . .<\/p>\n

Secret #5 \u2013 Seek the Gifts within Your Suffering.<\/span><\/strong>\u00a0 What?\u00a0 You heard me.\u00a0 I suggest that you look for the hidden gifts within your sorrow.\u00a0 Begin with gratitude and appreciation.\u00a0 Make a list of all the things your sorrows and losses have taught you about life.\u00a0 This list may include new relationships, new understandings, freedom from fear \u2013 anything at all that you have gained because of your loss.\u00a0 Believe me, your gifts ARE there.\u00a0 If you decide to claim them.<\/p>\n

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Secret #6 \u2013 Get Legacy-Minded.<\/span><\/strong>\u00a0 People who triumph eventually come to understand that their experience is immensely useful to others.\u00a0 At the very least, you know how to help another person \u00a0heal.\u00a0 Make a point to make a point to make good from your hardship.<\/p>\n

Here are some ways I \u201cmake good\u201d from Grace\u2019s short life:<\/p>\n