Why You Should Never Attach Your Identity To What You Do

Males especially are particularly vulnerable when it comes to this subject matter.

It has a lot to do with our male ego.

What’s the first thing that males ask each other when they meet?

‘So what do you do?’

We then begin to respond with the job, the business, the project or whatever else we ‘do’ – and this is what defines us. Or that’s what we think.

We may just as well ask… ‘So what do you make? (in dollars that is) as if that is what also defines us.

Personally, I would rather know ‘who you are’ than ‘what you do’.

Why?

In My Mid Twenties I Went Into Business

In my mid twenties I went into business with a relative of mine and found myself in the position of a director of a multi-media company.

However, as the years passed I discovered that the direction my relative was taking the company (who happened to be 6 years older than me) was a direction that I could no longer support.

So I resigned.

The problem I then faced though stemmed from the fact that I had allowed my identity to become intimately and inextricably entwined with that business. It was who I was, and I had poured so much of my heart, my soul, my finances, my all into its creation – that when the business was removed from my life I suddenly lost my personal identity.

I Became Violent

I became depressed, angry and even (I am ashamed to write) violent. Not against those whom I felt had betrayed both my family and I – but I actually became violent against the very ones I loved – my wife and my young children.

I was so frustrated with my circumstances that I became an eruptive volcano that could explode unpredictably at any moment.

I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know what to do, who to go to, and how to re-forge a new identity.

When people asked me what I did I couldn’t give an answer, and it just made me angrier.

My life had been derailed, detoured, and at that point I was convinced that it had been utterly destroyed.

At the height of my anger I found myself raging around my house while my wife and three young children (they are now young adults) took refuge in our bedroom – all huddled together on our bed.

My Wake Up Call

When I entered the room, there were the four people whom I deeply loved hugging each other for protection, their eyes filled with fear.

I stopped in my tracks.

I immediately left the scene, stormed outside and gave myself a stern talking to – ‘Peter, if you keep going the way you’re going, you’re going to lose everything – even those who love you so deeply’.

I then returned to my family transformed – sought their forgiveness, and peace finally reigned within our household.

Never again have I attached my self-worth or my identity to what I do – and the things (or people rather) whom I am most proud of are my beautiful wife of more than 28 years and my three children.

Business, fame, wealth come and go, but family is forever.

You & I Are Defined By Who We Are – Not What We Do

So whenever I meet someone for the very first time I never ask the question, ‘So what do you do?’

I ask this: ‘So how do you keep yourself busy each week?’

Personally, I am not impressed or unimpressed by what people do or even by what people make. I would rather get to know who you are – for it is who you are that I wish to inspire to be the best you possible.

You are a worthy human being – no matter what season you find yourself in.

Whether you have a job, are between careers, own a business or are owned by a business, are a bankrupt, or find yourself in a place where you are still trying to work out what you’re going to do when you grow up – remember this one thing: what you do makes no difference.

It’s who you are, and also know this – that you are loved, respected, worthy and talented. You are brilliant, one-of-a-kind, magnificent, and bursting with potential.

Your best days are before you because you are unique, and you are YOU.

So let me ask you one question though: how have you overcome your own personal identity crisis?

Motivational Memo: Be proud of who you are, for you are not defined by what you do.

Peter G. James Sinclair is the author of the Personal Success Blueprint, a free report you can download instantly to learn how you can unlock the secret to your own personal success. You can access the report from here – http://www.selfdevelopmentmastermind.com

The 4 Positive Price Points of Leadership

Stefan

I clicked this thinking it would show me how the blogger effectively separates his work from his professional life (a paradigm I’ve heard much, but haven’t understood). It wasen’t what I originally imagined, but this touched me pretty much.

In itself, I take joy reading/hearing when someone have an epiphany of this sort, that makes life suddenly bloom bespite darkness – it’s an inspiration. Without knowledge of how recent this transpired, I have to ask this: Do you regret or rejoice getting this wisdom?

Personally, I have yet to overcome a crisis without receding into myself and relying on everyone around me, having withdrawn from responsibility as much as possible. It’s not a life I’m proud of, but atleast I can occationally overcome procrastination and read PickTheBrain in search of inspiration.
- http://www.motivationalmemo.com Peter G James Sinclair
  
  Thanks Stefan. I rejoice because now I can share that wisdom – gained often in the valleys I have faced – to help others just like yourself – to cheer you on to your next victory. So pleased to hear that you are feeding yourself with the ‘good stuff’ supplied here in this blog – for this will build you – especially as you go and put it into action in your life – for therein is wisdom birthed.
Sara

I just really want to thank you for this entry. Your honesty and willingness to share your own experience, even the parts that make you feel shame, really touched me.
- http://www.motivationalmemo.com Peter G James Sinclair
  
  Thanks Sara. That means so much to me that I have touched your heart. There is no greater purpose for a writer than this. May it forge yet another winning foundation into the depths of your being to carry you on to your next victory.
http://www.colon-liver-cleanse.com/ Sean

Really a touching story that many men can relate too, including myself.

It can be extremely hard to not become overwhelmed by stress and anger when we’re trying to support a family and nothing we do seems to be working, but your story let’s everyone know that it doesn’t matter how much you have in your bank account, just be yourself, be you, be happy, and never stop growing. Everything will always work out.
- http://www.motivationalmemo.com Peter G James Sinclair
  
  Thanks Sean. Yes what you share is so true. Never stop growing. For there is the adventure. There is the excitement. there is the enthusiasm that will carry from one mountain peak to the next. Reach for your dreams.
Megan

Great post. I find this is much more a common question in the States. I moved to Switzerland a year ago and I continuously meet ex pats from all over the world. In this case, we rarely begin with “what do you do” and more with “What brings you to ….”. Sometimes it takes several meetings before we get to the “Where do you work?” question. I find that relationships here are more focused on the person and not what they do. It’s very refreshing to talk about what I like to do and not how I earn my money.
- http://www.motivationalmemo.com Peter G James Sinclair
  
  Thanks Megan. Sounds like we should all move to Switzerland. We have so much to learn from each other – so thanks for sharing.
http://www.mycoachkim.com Kim Grabovsky

2 Answers to your question. I also like the question of, how do you keep yourself busy each week? Better yet, how do you like to spend your time?

1. I know my identity in Christ.
2. Through life coaching…I know “who” I am better, what I value, etc. through the inner work I’ve been doing.

Here’s a poem passed to me from my mentor I think you would like. I posted it on my blog too.
————————————–
The Invitation
By Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon “Yes!”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
- http://www.motivationalmemo.com Peter G James Sinclair
  
  Thanks Kim. Really appreciate you sharing this with me. Your two points at the top I fully understand and shout ‘bravo!’ Keep living a life of victory!
Zack B

Really interesting and valuable post. I think we all, to a greater or lesser extent, get caught up in trying to fix our “identity”, and particularly in America, the easiest label to use is what we do for work. And it’s reinforced constantly in how we relate to each other. I think it’s definitely worthwhile to try to define yourself less by your job, but I’d venture to say that’s only the first step. IMHO, we make real progress when we stop trying to identify ourselves with a fixed identity. There’s nothing fixed about a human being – physically, psychologically, spiritually. Physically, we start out as the joining of two separate cells and go from there. Over the course of our lives even these cells die off continuously… so that by the time a few years have passed, you’re not even physically the same “person.” Embryos become babies become children become adults become elderly, and so forth. We make friends, enemies, families… and all of these categories are nebulous at the edges and are constantly interacting and changing. The less you tie yourself down to one identity, the less upset you’ll be when circumstances shift, and the happier you’ll be just appreciating the beauty of being alive this moment. Difficult, but not impossible.
- http://www.motivationalmemo.com Peter G James Sinclair
  
  Thanks Zack. Yes the seasons of life. Amazing what you shared here. Yes it is difficult – but thank God it is not impossible to be the you and me we were designed to be and can become. Keep growing and going.
http://www.bradentalbot.com Braden Talbot

What do you do isn’t a definition of who you are—which cannot be contained within definition. I do like the switch in questioning though. At least it sounds a little more creative than “What do you do?”

Still, it’s important to recognize the itch of wanting to define yourself and compare yourself to others through work or any other idea you think you are.
- http://www.motivationalmemo.com Peter G James Sinclair
  
  Thanks Braden. One of my colleagues encourages us to ‘define your own success’. I think that’s key to being happy in our own skin. How wonderful to not have to compare ourselves against another’s yardstick. Pick the measurement you want for your life and go for it! More power to you!
Champ

Dear Peter ! It is difficult to say truth most of the time and you have told the truth and it required courage to tell the world that at one point of time you behaved like this and that.
Recently I lost my job – my boss felt that I am not good enough etc..etc.. but i knew that i did my best. I did not stop there and decided to keep cool and do some study which can help me in finding better job and also keep myself busy with sports – long distance running and i make many good friends there.
I also think that I am have good family to give me moral support and there is no point in getting angry about situation and make own family unhappy.
now if anyone ask me what u do .. i will say – I do running & i know not everyone can do that
- http://www.motivationalmemo.com Peter G James Sinclair
  
  Thanks Champ…and with a name like that you are surely a champion – and don’t just answer ‘I do running’. Answer – ‘I am a champion runner!’ Because that is exactly who you are.
  
  Allow this time of your life to make you stronger.
http://thebooksthatchangedmylife.com marc van der Linden

years ago my NLP teacher warned us never to identify with your the role you play. Directors at work, tend to be the director at home too. When retiring, these directors don’t have anything else to do and die very fast. Now I hear this can be also the source of domestic violence, caused by deep frustration. SO I agree with you: it is better to concentrate on what people are and not what they do. (And keep both separate)

Thanks for sharing!
- http://www.motivationalmemo.com Peter G James Sinclair
  
  So true Marc. Having lived it and shared it here – I can declare that the advice your teacher gave you was good advice. Life had to be my teacher. Thank God for our mentors.
Marti

Women define themselves by their relationships. (“Hi. I am married/divorced/widowed and have three great kids/grandkids/etc.) Men define themselves by their jobs and their activities. (Hi. I am a supervisor at XYZ, and go river rafting on weekends.)

You can see how this makes a difference in how each gender views its life. Women are never out of a job. There is always SOME relationship going on.

How we define ourselves has everything to do with how we approach our lives.
- http://www.motivationalmemo.com Peter G James Sinclair
  
  Thanks Marti for crystallising the defining differences between the genders. Thanks to you I now understand my wife! Love the hat!
http://www.inspiredgiftgiving.com marquita herald

Oh, I can SO relate to this article! My last job was a nightmare – as a field manager thousands of miles away from the “company” there was so much that I had no control over, yet I was the one the representatives and customers looked to when products didn’t arrive, or customer service failed. Even though many of the issues were caused by supply chain failures and outdated equipment, I took it all in on a personal level and constantly felt I was failing everyone and it was crushing me. Even after I finally left, staff and even customers kept contacting me wanting to cry on my shoulder – I finally had to change my phone number and email and it still took me 6 months to completely separate myself from that situation and to be able to get to the aHHA moment Peter did in your article.
- http://www.motivationalmemo.com Peter G James Sinclair
  
  Glad to hear Marquita that you survived such a challenging experience. Yet another one of those who call ourselves ‘survivors’ and ‘champions’! Good on you!
James

Oh man, this really hit home. I’m in my mid 20′s right now going through a similar situation. I’ve been successful up until now, but currently I find myself unemployed and stressed out. In my early 20′s I co-founded a company with a best friend that eventually went bust and destroyed our friendship. I wrote a book that never got published. I’ve also worked through my masters degree and have a 4.0 plus a master’s thesis under my belt.

Despite this, I now find myself unemployed and as a week and a half ago…had to move into my parents house. I am single, and after going through several bad relationships, feel frustrated with dating. I feel a sense of shame and anger about the way things are.

This article helped remind me that no matter the things that feel like failures, I still have value…and it is that initial value which inspired me to achieve the things I achieved in the past. Thanks for posting this sir.
- http://www.motivationalmemo.com Peter G James Sinclair
  
  Thanks James – so pleased to have connected with you at your time of life. You do have incredible value – and to learn these lessons at your age will prepare you for your great life ahead. Continue to prepare – for your opportunity awaits you!
Ali

Hi,

What happens if you have made a conscious decision to work in an area which in large part does define you and your values and approach to life? In this case separating work and ‘what you do’ from life and ‘who you are’ is not only impossible, but is also not desired. Choosing to spend your time doing work which you are happy to let define you can be just a rewarding (maybe more) than simply trying to attach less meaning to something which takes up so much of our time and energy.
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Casssanders

No one is inherently worthy. Most people selfish cocksuckers.

Why You Should Never Attach Your Identity To What You Do

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