Thinking the Best of People

Written by Ali Luke - 21 Comments
Categories: self improvement

Do you always think the best of people – or do you think the worst? It’s so easy to make assumptions and to find ourselves falling into a judgmental or critical frame of mind – both about people we know well (like family members) and about complete strangers.

So why worry about changing your thoughts? So long as you don’t go around being verbally or physically abusive towards others, what does it matter what you think of them?

The danger of letting yourself think angrily or negatively about others is that the thoughts tend to rebound on you: your internal voice will start to be more self-critical. Plus, your relationships will suffer; perhaps you won’t make contact with a potential new friend, just because you had a bad first impression, or you might find yourself unable to patch up a tricky relationship with a colleague.

To top it all off, you’re likely to feel a lot more stressed and unhappy if you believe that others are deliberately out to irritate you or to cause you grief.

Ask “What Else Could This Mean?”

In his post 5 Questions That Will Change Your Life, Tim Brownson suggests asking yourself “What Else Could This Mean?” He gives some examples, such as:

Your partner being late for a date may mean he hates you and doesn’t respect you, or it may mean he got stuck in traffic.

How often do you jump to conclusions about what someone’s behaviour means? Perhaps it’s a driver who you label “aggressive”, but who might be in a hurry due to circumstances that you have no knowledge of. Maybe a friend is being uncommunicative, responding to your attempts at conversation with mono-syllables: you could assume that they are being unreasonably moody – or you could wait patiently and see whether they open up about some problem or issue in their life that’s bothering them.

I’ve often felt aggrieved when a friend or relative has been snappy or rude – and have even responded in kind – only to find, later, that the situation was put into a completely different light by some circumstance which I knew nothing about.

If someone’s behaviour towards you seems rude, offensive or unkind, ask yourself “what else could this mean?” Perhaps they’ve suffered a recent bereavement; perhaps they’re ill, or under a lot of stress.

In a few cases, of course, people are simply inconsiderate: that guy making an obnoxiously loud phone call on a train, for instance. But you’ll find that your own internal reaction is much calmer if you can come up with a mitigating circumstance that explains the behaviour.

Recognize Your Own Subjectivity

We all grow up with a particular set of beliefs and ideas about the world. In 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey calls these “scripts” – our ways of behaving that have been formed by social conditioning. You might also think of them as a “map” of the actual reality of the world.

Everyone’s scripts or map are different. You probably have a similar framework to your family, friends and peer group – but you’ll meet plenty of people who come at life from a very different angle.

This can create friction and conflict. Some examples might be:

  • You prize involvement in your church or community organisation very highly – your partner doesn’t
  • You turn up five minutes early for every appointment, but you have a friend who’s constantly running late
  • You don’t think it’s a big deal if there’s a few dirty dishes in the kitchen, but your cleaning-obsessed housemate is constantly leaving notes telling you to wash up
  • You’re naturally thrifty and frugal, but several of your acquaintances live paycheck to paycheck

It’s all too easy to start thinking negatively about others simply because they don’t have quite the same values or the same conditioning as us. I’m sure you can think of examples in your own relationships, when you’ve been critical of someone because they didn’t hold exactly the same values or priorities as you.

One of the biggest steps you can take towards thinking the best of others is to recognise that they’re operating on a slightly different system – and to understand that they might find your behaviour baffling, annoying or downright idiotic! Value the differences in your relationships, and value what makes the other person special. Perhaps it’s annoying that your friend is constantly late, but the flipside of this is that s/he is a laidback, spontaneous and kind person.

Do you find yourself feeling critical or judgmental towards others? How do you overcome these thoughts? How do you make sure your words, actions and attitude convey your desire to think the best of people and to understand their point of view?

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  • http://positivelypresent.com Positively Present

    Great article! :) I sent a tweet out about it on @positivepresent!

  • http://improveminduniversity.blogspot.com jonathan figaro

    Valuing the difference in opinions or demeanor of your spouse of best friends is the only way to get as long with them. Just realizing that, they are who they are. Nothing can change them. Most people are who they are for life. So we should just accept them. But not let this stop us from growing.

  • Pol

    I totally agree with this post. Of course, thinking the best of people has the added benefit that you become surrounded by great people whereas thinking negative thoughts about them leaves you surrounded by irritating, horrible people. I have really seen how this can be a matter of perspective and being positive about others can make us happier too.

  • ptb2009

    I have seen my attitude go from positive to negative within the last few years. I’m timid, I’m more argumentative. Making politics my new hobby has made me create divisions among people whom surround me and I’m making generalizations about those who don’t support my ideas. It’s ridiculous, I know. I need to take a full week, making a list of positive characteristics about my family members, co-workers, and other people I know. What else do you suggest?

  • http://www.homesprosperity.blogspot.com Steve

    It’s often the case that by doing work on ourselves: that is, our attitudes, questions, mindset, we will understand that people are just people. In the overwhelming majority of cases, they have no more plots against us than we have against them.

  • http://www.let-off.com s-b-t

    For me, a combination of two different practices helps keep negativity in check (while not abandoning reality):
    –empathizing; asking myself: “how would I feel if I was reacted to in such a way?” This often prevents me from my hastiest (and often nastiest) reaction.
    –clearly setting boundaries with people; being up-front an honest with them in an effort to say, “Hey there, I noticed your behaviour, and because of it I felt [insert negative emotion here]. Is this really what you intended? What’s going on?”

    Ultimately, everyone has a bad day sometimes. But you don’t have to let their negativity affect your mood. A little emotional maturity goes a long way, particularly when dealing with strangers or people about which you know little.

  • Pol

    A different hobby?

  • Luky John

    Wonderful article which is a great post for self development. I do read all those stuffs very frequently. This article remind me another article of James Rick Blog.

    http://jamesrick.com/blog/category/self-improvement/

  • http://www.aliventures.com Ali Hale

    Thanks, much appreciated!

  • http://www.aliventures.com Ali Hale

    That’s very true: the more we look for the negatives in something, the more negatives we’ll find — until we’re blind to the positives.

  • http://www.aliventures.com Ali Hale

    Try to recognise that no-one’s the “baddy” from their own point of view. Even if their political views are completely opposed to yours, they probably still have the same aims in mind: a better life for regular folk.

    Also try looking for what you can learn from their position: there’s some good stuff in almost every philosophy or ideology.

  • http://www.aliventures.com Ali Hale

    Two great suggestions, thanks!

  • http://ebook-of-the-week.com/ Naveen

    For a long time I used to think negatively of people… and was unhappy as a result. I thought it was naieve to think the best of people

    Changing the mindset is tough and I am not there fully yet.

    However thinking positively of people has been a very empowering experience. I keep better relationships and make new friends more easily.

    Naveen

  • http://www.everythingcounts.com Everything Counts

    I really appreciate and agree with the points expressed over here. Thanks for such nice thoughts.

  • Charles

    very good article picking up subjects of transactional analysis without mentioning a word about it. that’s the way it has to be distributed in order to not being be discarded too early. (just by thinking “okay, that’s the i’m ok, your ok stuff”)

    i appreciated it very much, very well written!!!

  • http://www.aliventures.com Ali Hale

    Thanks Charles! I must confess I have almost no knowledge of transactional analysis (I’ve heard of it, especially the “I’m OK, you’re OK” principle) — though chances are a lot of the reading I’ve done and speakers I’ve heard may well have used aspects of it that I’ve subsumed into my own thinking!

  • http://improveminduniversity.blogspot.com jonathan figaro

    What steps did you take in order to end your pessimism towards people?

  • http://dwellupon.net Peter

    Accepting people for who they are is challenging but certainly necessary. If we can’t learn to live with others we will be very lonely people. Knowing that others won’t be their absolute best at all times helps, no one is perfect after all.

  • http://jadecraven.com/25-lessons-you-can-learn-from-ali-hale 25 Lessons You Can Learn From Ali Hale | Blogging Tips From Jade Craven

    [...] wrote about this further in her post about thinking the best of people. If someone’s behaviour towards you seems rude, offensive or unkind, ask yourself “what else [...]

  • http://bloggerstown.com/author/nail/ nail

    You have shared good point on motivation, Motivation is the ability to change behavior: According to Johann Wolfgang von Goethe “Behavior is the mirror in which everyone shows their image.”
    I have shared my article at http://bloggerstown.com/2011/03/14/introduction-to-motivational-behavior/, view the complete article there.
    Thanks

  • Fabi0soares

    Portuguese Translation

    Você pensa sempre o melhor das pessoas – ou você pensa o pior? É tão fácil fazer suposições e encontrar-nos a cair em um quadro crítico ou crítico da mente – tanto sobre as pessoas que conhecemos bem (como os membros da família) e tambem de completos estranhos.Então, por que se preocupar em mudar os seus pensamentos? Se você não sair por aí sendo verbal ou fisicamente abusivo em relação aos outros, o que importa o que você acha deles?O perigo de se deixar pensar com raiva ou negativamente sobre os outros leva a que os seus proprios pensamentos se reflectam em você: sua voz interna vai começar a ser mais auto-crítica. Além disso, seus relacionamentos vão sofrer, talvez você não vai fazer contato com um amigo novo potencial, só porque você teve uma má primeira impressão, ou você pode encontrar-se incapaz de consertar um relacionamento complicado com um colega.Para cima de tudo isso, é provável que você se sinta muito mais Stressado ​​e infeliz se você acreditar que os outros estao deliberadamente preparados para irritá-lo ou causar-lhe sofrimento.Peça “O que mais poderia significar?”Neste post 5 perguntas que mudarão sua vida , Tim Brownson sugere se perguntando “O que mais poderia significar?” Ele dá alguns exemplos, tais como:Seu parceiro esta atrasado para um encontro pode significar que ele te odeia e não respeita, ou pode significar que ele ficou preso no trânsito.Quantas vezes você tira conclusões precipitadas sobre o comportamento de Alguem? Talvez seja um motorista que você rótulo de “agressivo”, mas que poderiam estar com pressa devido a circunstâncias que você não tem conhecimento. Talvez um amigo esta incomunicavel, respondendo às suas tentativas de conversa com mono-sílabas: você pode assumir que eles estão sendo excessivamente temperamentais – ou você poderia esperar com paciência e ver se eles se abrem sobre algum problema ou questão em sua vida que está incomodando.Eu sempre senti ofendida quando um amigo ou parente foi ofensivo ou indilicado – e, inclusive, respondeu na mesma moeda – apenas para descobrir, mais tarde, que a situação foi colocado em uma luz completamente diferente por alguma circunstância que eu não sabia nada.Se o comportamento de alguém para você parece ofensivo ou indelicado, pergunte-se “o que mais poderia significar?” Talvez eles tenham sofrido uma perda recente, talvez eles estão doentes, ou sob um monte de Stress.Em alguns casos, é claro, as pessoas estão simplesmente desconsiderando: Uma pessoa fazer uma chamada de telefone exorbitantemente em voz alta em um comboio, por exemplo. Mas você verá que sua própria reação interna é muito mais calma, se você pode vir com uma circunstância atenuante que explica o comportamento.Reconhecer sua própria subjetividadeNós todos crescemos com um determinado conjunto de crenças e idéias sobre o mundo. Em 7 Hábitos das Pessoas Altamente Eficazes , Stephen Covey chama esses “scripts” – nossas maneiras de comportar-se que foram formados pelo condicionamento social. Você também pode pensar neles como um “mapa” da realidade atual do mundo.Scripts de todo mundo ou mapa são diferentes. Você provavelmente tem um quadro semelhante à sua família, amigos e grupos de pares – mas você vai encontrar muitas pessoas que vêem a vida de um ângulo muito diferente.Isto pode criar atritos e conflitos. Alguns exemplos podem ser:Você tem um envolvimento com a sua igreja ou organização comunitária muito bem – o seu parceiro não Você chega cinco minutos mais cedo para cada marcacao ou encontro, mas você tem um amigo que está sempre atrasado Você não acha boa ideia se há alguns pratos sujos na cozinha, mas a sua namorada obsecada por limpeza está constantemente deixando uma nota dizendo-lhe para lavar os pratosVocê é naturalmente racional e frugal, mas vários de seus conhecidos vivem de salário em salárioÉ muito fácil começar a pensar negativamente sobre os outros, simplesmente porque eles não têm muito dos mesmos valores ou o condicionamento mesmo que nós. Tenho certeza que você pode pensar em exemplos nos seus próprios relacionamentos, quando você foi crítico de alguém, porque eles não usaram exatamente os mesmos valores ou prioridades que você.Um dos maiores passos que você pode tomar para pensar melhor dos outros é reconhecer que eles estão operando em um sistema um pouco diferente – e entender que eles poderiam encontrar o seu comportamento desconcertante, irritante ou simplesmente idiota! Valorizar as diferenças em seus relacionamentos, e valorizar o que faz a outra pessoa especial. Talvez seja chato que seu amigo está constantemente atrasado, mas o outro lado disso é que ele / ela é uma pessoa, espontânea e descontraída tipo. Você encontra-se a se sentir crítico ou a julgar em relação aos outros? Como você supera os seus pensamentos? Como você se certifica de suas palavras, ações e atitudes a transmitir da sua vontade de pensar para o melhor das pessoas e de entender o ponto de vista de ambas as partes?