The Self-Confidence Con

Written by Harry Key - 38 Comments
Categories: self improvement

There is a funny concept among the softly-spoken, the meek, the apologetic excuse-makers that there is some ‘kind’ of person who is confident, capable and calm in the face of adversity. The have-nots usually disempower themselves further by making an assumption that confidence is like a genetic trait, written into the DNA of some, and left out of the chromosomes of another. It’s not, it’s a lie.

Confidence is a con – it’s a lie to yourself that you can be whatever you want to be. The trick is that confident people have mastered the ability of self-delusion, and once deluded, the lie becomes real – for being confident is simply imagining yourself as already confident. That will spread a perception among others, who will react to your new-found power as if it’s you, which will reinforce your behavior and presto-change-o, you are one of the confident people.

One cannot imagine oneself taller, and no matter what ‘The Secret’ tells you – you cannot imagine yourself a new sports car, but you can imagine yourself being confident and become it, immediately.

  1. 1. Act. Stand up straight, sit up straight, look people in the eye and shake hands in a way that says: “I’m in charge here” – people will respond to your confidence and reinforce it, but that’s not all. Changing your physiology will break neural pathways that have maintained your previous patterns, abruptly disconnecting from your old posture will allow your brain to rapidly remap itself to a new, confident self. Ohio State University published a study that indicated job applicants who sat up straight while writing about their qualifications were more likely to believe the positive things they’d written about themselves than those who slumped while writing. So stand up!
  1. 2. Talk with words. When you’re speaking, listen to your choice of words, and notice how you sound. Confident people speak like this is written – with authority. I don’t, umm, kind of make excuses as to why this is sub-standard, vis-à-vis my inability to, ahh, convince you, if you know what I mean? Speak with a voice of authority. Even if you’re out of your depth, it is far more impressive to say: “I have no idea what that means, explain it to me” than to try to pretend you get it or shrink into the shadows. Ask, and you’ll end up learning something new, and people will be impressed by your ability to admit it (and they’ll appreciate the opportunity to share their knowledge with someone so impressive and confident as yourself).

  1. 3. Use your outside voice. More than the words you say, the power with which you say them is so important it almost deserves an article all of its own. Sit up straight, face forward and say something strange and untrue at the wall. Notice where the effort for is coming from – if you’re speaking from your nose, you’ll sound annoying, if you’re speaking from the front of your mouth, you’ll sound unsure and unconvincing, if you speak from your throat you’ll sound like an ordinary person, but: When you harness the power of your abdomen and fully utilize your diaphragm to speak from your stomach, your voice is resonant and commanding. The change is instant and very powerful, try it. Also concentrate on using a downward inflection at the end of sentences, the opposite to how you’d sound if asking a question. It has a hypnotic effect that causes people to react to your authority, which is why priests have been using it for millennia (think of The Simpsons). You don’t have to record your voice to do this well, just speak loudly from your stomach and keep going until you hit that sweet spot that feels confident – that’s when you’ll sound it.

  1. 4. Adjust your inside words. If you have self-defeating inner dialogue, change it. The first step is to accept that affecting it is within your control, after all, you put it there! Affirmations can work well (standing in front of the mirror repeating positive things to yourself daily) but can feel a bit strange for some. The idea is to supplant the negative self-flagellation with anything positive. My suggestion is to concentrate of things that empower you, when someone compliments you, really take time to take that on board, and thank them sincerely. Replay that to yourself, using your inside voice. Consciously make an effort to congratulate yourself for a job well done for every little achievement. For positive-reinforcement ammunition, follow step 5:

  1. 5. Learn and teach something new (Particularly something that involves speaking or interacting with other people). The links between developing new skills and developing self-confidence are well established. People who continually teach themselves new things are typically far more positive, happy and confident than those who have chosen to stagnate. Learning new skills will give you an open avenue for positive reinforcement, because the rate of improvement with new skills is so steep it allows you to constantly remind yourself of how good you are at overcoming obstacles. Teaching skills to someone else works even better, because an opportunity to share skills will cement your mastery of them, and the sharing will further boost your self-worth. Take time to compliment your students and other people around you (using your commanding outside voice) for anything they do well – they’ll appreciate it and feed back into this self-replicating cycle that is self-confidence.

  1. 6. Start right now. Don’t benignly sit around planning for that day when you’re going to start the journey towards the eventuality that might someday lead towards you pointing in a more confident direction; start behaving, speaking and interacting confidently with the world around you right now. It should take no time at all. It’s as simple as closing your eyes (not right now or you won’t get to the end of the instructions) and creating a real and lifelike vision of yourself being confident. Make the image bright, loud and engaging, with sound and colour and light. Notice how it feels, smells, looks and sounds, then make it even bigger, louder brighter and closer to you; let it affect your physicality, make it real and exciting and amazing, larger than life, then stand up step into your imagined, confident self and make it real. Wear it like a new skin. Now go off and teach someone else how to be confident like you are now.

Now you’ve given yourself the skills you need to make the change that’ll make the difference, be prepared: Some people might not like it. You may have some friends and colleagues that valued your old self-doubt for their own reasons, and they might find your newfound confidence objectionable. Be prepared for that, and know that if you come up against resistance it probably relates to self-worth issues with them, regardless of what they tell you. You may choose to take time to offer to guide them along your path towards positivity and happiness, or leave them be.

Every change has a cost and a payoff. The payoff is that your happiness and confidence will attract confident and happy people into your life, and will affect the people around you for the better. You owe it to your friends and family to be all you can, so be generous, sharing and caring.

Harry Key is an Australian Bollywood actor, personal coach and writer who lives in Mumbai, India. He is exceptionally talented at writing excessively long sentences in the third person. For proof, check out his blogs: http://www.harrykey.com/blogs He will also be hosting an NLP Master Class in Australia, teaching confidence through voice.

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  • http://www.livingwords.net Doug Cartwright

    Great post, and I also have found that teaching clients new postures or getting them to use postures they are already confident in has a revolutionary effect. To me it seems so obvious but it’s like an secret out in the open! Confidence is a general-lies that is worth believing!

  • http://www.personal-development-training.com Inspired Robin

    Fantastic tips and advice.

    If someone is interested in this, especially working on your own mind, I would recommend “What to Say When You Talk To Your Self.” It’s a book I’m currently reading and it really hits on a lot of stuff in this article. There are excerpts from the book in my blog as well.

    Bravo for the valuable article!

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  • http://go.officearrow.com/home Lauren Elder

    Thank you for this article! It’s great. I love the tip about changing your vocabulary. I have found this to be especially helpful. Sometimes, we don’t pay attention to how we sound, our tone or the choice of words we use. Eliminate the um’s, ah’s, i-don’t-know’s and don’t be afraid to use pauses. Pausing when you would normally say um is a great way to command attention because it shows that you don’t need to fill the space. I’ve always been a fan of eye contact simply because it shows respect and trustworthiness. A lot of this confidence game is indeed faking it until you make it, but we are all special and we all have strengths so until you fully realize what you are capable of, imagining yourself as confident is a great way to go.

  • http://pickthebrain.com mark liwag

    I am with you 100% Lauren…Looking in the eyes of a person you’re talking into utilize trust, build friendships, build confidence and only shows you are interested and paying attention to the person you’re talking to. I also realized that sometimes, what is much more important is how you deliver your speech, your conversation, rather than your message or your thoughts. right now, I’m really working my way to develop my skills in communication and public speaking, because this 2 will really help me towards gaining a better life in the future. Aside from that, gaining confidence is really easy…if you know how to self meditate and believe in yourself…Thanks for your comment and to this very wonderful article!!!!!!!!

  • http://kenokazaki.com Ken

    Good post. I’m learning how much your physiology will affect your thoughts and emotions just as much as your thoughts and emotions affect your physical state.
    Facial expressions when controlled can also have a dramatic effect on how you think and feel.

  • Emil

    Great article!

    This was very useful, I’ll take this into consideration when interacting from now on. Thank you for sharing!

  • http:///www.positivewayoflife.com Josten

    This is very true. I haven’t found a greater example then this. I have even used these techniques to become and appear more confident. Great post

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  • Henry Sabiti

    When you have been knocked down really hard, its hard to get things in perspective, and even when you do, procrastination stems your progress. This article is about taking that positive action instantaneously… Brilliant.

  • http://www.OptimisticJourney.com Jarrod@ Optimistic Journey

    Great article! I agree, self-confidence comes from an inside choice to do better and be better. Carry ourselves with class, lift our heads up, put our shoulders back, stand tall, just as you mentioned. Also speaking with authority. I believe these things subconsciously tell us that we are someone who deserves to be heard and respected. Thanks for such great tips.

  • http://frombottomup.com/ Hulbert

    Hey Harry, this was a great post on confidence. I agree that confidence is delusional. People who are confident most likely went through the phase, “Fake it until you make it”. I like how you say that using techniques from The Secret, we can’t become taller or get a new sports car. But we can use visualization techniques to become more confident. It will take effort, but it’s definitely doable. Thanks for this Harry.

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  • http://www.pickthebrain.com Editor, Pick The Brain

    Very big fan of this blog, Harry. Great job.

    - erin

  • Harry Key

    Thanks a lot for the positive responses everyone, I enjoyed writing it and it means a lot that you’ve enjoyed reading.

    Please send it around to any friends that could find something useful in it.

  • Harry Key

    Perhaps ‘The Secret’ isn’t too far off. After writing that, and wishing pretty hard, my gorgeous custom motorbike has been found by the police. I go to collect her now.

  • beth

    You’ve got it all wrong. Try talking to some confident and some not so confidant people and you’ll find that the confidant were raised by parents to BE confidant: they were told from birth that they have valid ideas and deserve to be heard. Then talk to some adults who have confidance issues about their childhood and you’ll find they were literally brainwashed from birth that they were not valuable people, that they should be apologetic. It’s not a mere case of stepping up to the plate, it’s a sea change of what is deeply subconsciously know about oneself and it is VERY hard to wipe out brainwashing from birth to age 20.

  • beth

    You say those with little self confidance don’t understand confidant people, but the mirror of that is you really really don’t understand those with confidance issues. REALLY REALLY clueless.

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  • http://www.improvedconfidence.com Kate

    Hello,

    I especially like the point about starting today. It is so easy to read every self help book, blog etc etc going and know all the theory. But until you really put the techniques into action you will get no where!
    Thanks for a good post,
    Kate
    http://www.improvedconfidence.com

  • Cristina

    Best post I have read on this site so far! Thanks

  • http://thisoldbrain.net Mike Kirkeberg

    I see confidence a little different from self-delusion. Delusion is the normal state of our minds because we are so mired in language neural ruts in our brains that self confidence is just a little out of our grasp. Confidence comes from two things in my view. First, as you said in several of your points, acting confidently (behavior) breeds confidence in the eyes of both self and others. The second is to take the time and steps to defuse from the mental detritus that we wade hip deep in within our own mental models. Once we begin to understand that thoughts are simply words and we are simply the context – that thoughts are not us – we can begin to separate ourselves from – whatever it is we want to separate from.

    By the way, great comment on ‘The Secret” The big secret: there is no secret.
    MK

  • http://swati-myideabank.blogspot.com/ Swati

    Hi Harry,

    Nice post :) I could relate to some of the points mentioned here like trying something new which you never believed you could do..And it is possible for a not so confident person to develop confidence at least to some extent by changing their mental picture about themselves.

  • http://www.avenstar.net Kim McGinnis

    Harry, I totally agree that the law of attraction and as shown by ‘the Secret’ requires much more than thinking ‘good thoughts’ alone. Inspired action is needed. My partner and I, along with inspirational speaker, Andy Feld are actually making a movie right now called Shamshara, which takes The Secret one step (and more) further. We believe that the answers to our deepest questions (who are we?, why are we here?, who or what is God?, etc.) lie inside ourselves. And by practicing inward rituals like meditation, prayer, and contemplation we can receive help. This help can direct us to take the action that can transform our lives.
    thanks for listening,
    Kim

  • http://www.andyfeld.net Andy Feld

    Thanks Harry and Kim.
    I love when you, Harry, write about the spoken word. What we say and how we say it is in fact an energy we release. Like all energy emitted from out body (thougts, emotions, etc) the waves leave our body in a circular fashion eventually returning where? Yes, back to where they started. Want to start changing your life, start by changing your spoken words. This is one of the great keys to manifestation. Andy

  • http://positivejolt.com/ Laurentiu

    I think that number 5 hits the nail on the head. The sheer amount of positive gain you could obtain from that is just amazing. It’s true that I’ve experienced both sides of the coin: learned something new every day and I felt great; and at times I’d postpone learning something new just because once I’ve identified what I had to do and was comfortable knowing or having a plan, it was very easy to postpone it for tomorrow, next week and so on. The latter is a very easy pitfall to find yourself into, but the advantage, confidence and self gratitude that comes with doing and learning something every day is a very powerful feeling and a long term benefit.

  • http://www.richardshelmerdine.com/blog/ Richard | RichardShelmerdine.com

    They softly spoken and meek like to hold this person up to the light as if they are something amazing when really they had to just use courage to become that confident and were probably as timid as they were at some point.

  • http://www.harrykey.com/blogs Harry

    Beth, I’m sorry, it appears that I’ve upset you. That was not my intent.

    I disagree though, I have personally witnessed a change in people around me from people who have adopted these ideas, research has proven them to be effective markers of confidence, and I use them myself when trying to regain my confidence.

    It is much harder for people who’ve had an upbringing that doesn’t nurture confidence, and those people who are less equipped must work harder at it, but it still can be done.

    I fear that it is disempowering to just say ‘That’s how I was raised’.

  • http://www.harrykey.com/blogs Harry

    G’day Kim! I’m fascinated with what you’re talking about – did I mention that I’m an actor?

  • http://www.avenstar.net Kim McGinnis

    Harry,
    Very cool that you are an actor. Where do you live? I am an actress too, but am now just getting back into after a long break… it’s a wacky business.
    Kim/Boulder, CO

  • http://www.harrykey.com/blogs Harry

    I live in Bombay, working in Bollywood, but considering a change of career.

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    but you can imagine yourself being confident and become it, immediately.
    Lot’s of good tips to be aware. Thanks for taking the time to post.

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    Two big thumbs up, man!

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    Nice tips. Concentrating was a biggie for me at one point, now I’m using a stand-up desk it’s all solved.

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  • http://flawlessconfidence.com Martin

    I believe that confidence is a state of mind. Sure, you can use some tricks and boost confidence temporarily. However, if you want to become truly confident (develop a permanent confidence), then it’s not about these little details such as speaking from your stomach. It’ll be a side effect of your self-improvement. And to improve your self-confidence, there’s no other way but face your fears and just get used to doing things that make you uncomfortable. Expand your comfort zone and you’ll become a confident person permanently, not just for a while.