I’d like to add two quotes from the book ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’ by Dale Carnegie:

“It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.”

“Calling attention to one’s mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism.”

Cheers~

Mark

Also, it occurs to me that just because I may offer you some criticism in an objective manner does not make that criticism warranted. There is a time and place for all things. On the one hand, if I just happen to disapprove of the way in which you are rearing your kids, well that’s none of my business – no matter how much love and TLC I use in addressing it with you. However, if we live in the same space and your child rearing practices could impact my own kids, then it become more relevant to me.

So, I think when we criticize others, we need to ask what is the reward. If the only reward is just to get it off our chest and make ourselves feel better, then it is probably something we should just keep to ourselves.

Is most criticism really subjective? Even when we try to be objective, I have seen that there is still subjective attachment to our thoughts. I think that this has to do with everyone having different beliefs of how, what, where, when things should be said, done approached etc.

Is criticism useless if it’s based on a subjective expression? No way. A critic is giving you clues of something that can be improved most of the time. A good debate to have??

A good follow up to this post would be to dig into listening skills.

Very good post -
George

Excellent post. I agree most criticisms are based on the limiting belief of scarcity (of success, resources, etc), coupled with fear. Few offer solutions, as you pointed out.

I’m always amazed the number of “should” the critics use. As if there are certain ways to live. I think it’s more effective to lead by example and show people how good life can be.

It also helps to establish a time for your team to vent frustration and criticism. Designate a time each month and let people speak freely. Sometimes just stating the criticism solves the problem.

If I can add a few thoughts.

First, I make a point of never giving advice to anyone unless they ask for it. I don’t want to take responsibility for their life and I’ve found that whenever someone gives unsolicited advice it usually invokes a defensive reaction. And you’re right that we never know the whole picture, so if they follow our advice and it messes things up… who are they going to blame??? Me, of course! And rightly so.

Second, I find that if I’m reacting to something someone is doing, then it’s usually got an important message for me .. kind of seeing myself in the mirror. After all, I’m experiencing that person through my own filters and perceptions and I don’t have a monopoly on ‘the truth’.

And third, when I give feedback I start with my factual observation (non-judgemental, non-critical) and describe my own reaction in terms of emotional response and the underlying driver or values. Then give advice if they want it .. but often having something pointed out is enough and they know what to do without me telling them.

On the one hand, we all may have ways about us that may be hard for others to swallow and trying to tell us is not likely an easy thing to do. We should be mindful of that if we wish to live amicably around others.
At the same time, when we point out things about others that disturb us, we need to be mindful of the adversarial nature criticism can be and watch our words.

As I’m sitting here, it makes me think of the “Golden Rule” and treating others the way we want to be treated.

Thank you for this great insight.