Image courtesy of mypixbox
I previously wrote about how to take criticism, a very important life skill. In the comments, someone asked for a post about how to criticize. Good idea! It only makes sense to look at the flip side of the coin.
Some people get a kick out of insulting others. It’s really easy to find some friends, neighbors, politicians, actors, comedians, athletes, or other people who aren’t doing everything exactly to your liking. And when someone is making mistakes, some people feel the need to make sure they know it.
This kind of destructive criticism really doesn’t help anyone. People who partake in destructive criticism often seem to think there’s a limited amount of success to go around, so putting others down makes them feel better about themselves.
That’s crazy. Criticizing someone just for the sake of putting them down makes both of you miserable. Criticism should always be done with the goal of helping the other person improve. So then, how do you deliver constructive criticism?
1. Decide on your objective up front, and remember it.
Are you trying to help the other person improve, or are you trying to win an argument? These are very different goals. What you set out to do sets the tone of the whole conversation, so be clear on your objective.
2. Tread softly.
Remember that they didn’t ask for your advice. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give it, but you should approach with caution. They might be very sensitive, or they might have been dealing with a bunch of unconstructive critics lately.
3. Be aware that you might not know the whole story.
While you might see something you think should be done differently, there might actually be a good reason for it. Before going off on an angry rampage, seek to understand the situation first. Things are often more complicated than they appear.
4. Be careful about the word “why.”
Surprisingly, “why” can be a tricky word. You might use it to ask an innocent question, but it might not be heard that way. It can potentially sound a lot more confrontational than intended. Fortunately, there’s a safer substitute: “how?”
Consider the question “Why did you decide to do that?” vs. “How did you decide to do that?” They’re both asking the same thing, but the latter is showing curiosity, while the former is possibly showing judgment.
If you’re just curious, they’ll be happy to explain their decision. When you get a conversation going, it’s better for both of you. And who knows, you might end up seeing things their way.
5. Say what they can do better.
Don’t point out a problem without also presenting a solution. Telling someone about their flaws is just useless complaining, unless you tell them how they can improve. If you don’t know the answer to that, then what good can come of your criticism?
One possible exception to this is if someone’s planning to do something they’re really not cut out for. Some people really shouldn’t start their own business, and some people really shouldn’t try to become professional athletes. Isn’t it a good idea to stop people from heading down the wrong path? Maybe, but probably not.
It’s possible that you could spare them from disappointment, but it’s much more likely you’ll create resentment for standing in their way. If they’re destined to fail, they’ll probably figure that out soon enough. But a lot of the time, well-meaning people will discourage friends from trying something that’s difficult but achievable. It’s usually not your place to decide whether they should take a risk.
Final thoughts
Nobody is perfect, and we should all take the opportunity to try to improve ourselves and others. Criticism has its place and can serve a useful purpose. Armed with the ability to both give and receive criticism well, you’ll be able to make the most of it.
About the writer: Hunter Nuttall wants you to stop sucking and live a life of abundance. Visit his site to learn how to improve your life and your income.
This is good. Whether on the side of giving or taking criticism, it’s always important to put yourself in the shoes of the other person.
On the one hand, we all may have ways about us that may be hard for others to swallow and trying to tell us is not likely an easy thing to do. We should be mindful of that if we wish to live amicably around others.
At the same time, when we point out things about others that disturb us, we need to be mindful of the adversarial nature criticism can be and watch our words.
As I’m sitting here, it makes me think of the “Golden Rule” and treating others the way we want to be treated.
Thank you for this great insight.
Interesting subject!
If I can add a few thoughts.
First, I make a point of never giving advice to anyone unless they ask for it. I don’t want to take responsibility for their life and I’ve found that whenever someone gives unsolicited advice it usually invokes a defensive reaction. And you’re right that we never know the whole picture, so if they follow our advice and it messes things up… who are they going to blame??? Me, of course! And rightly so.
Second, I find that if I’m reacting to something someone is doing, then it’s usually got an important message for me .. kind of seeing myself in the mirror. After all, I’m experiencing that person through my own filters and perceptions and I don’t have a monopoly on ‘the truth’.
And third, when I give feedback I start with my factual observation (non-judgemental, non-critical) and describe my own reaction in terms of emotional response and the underlying driver or values. Then give advice if they want it .. but often having something pointed out is enough and they know what to do without me telling them.
I try to make sure I have a solid relationship with the person before I offer criticism. I also try to convince them to share one thing with me that I can change before I share my one thing with them.
It also helps to establish a time for your team to vent frustration and criticism. Designate a time each month and let people speak freely. Sometimes just stating the criticism solves the problem.
Hi Hunter,
Excellent post. I agree most criticisms are based on the limiting belief of scarcity (of success, resources, etc), coupled with fear. Few offer solutions, as you pointed out.
I’m always amazed the number of “should” the critics use. As if there are certain ways to live. I think it’s more effective to lead by example and show people how good life can be.
A lot of good tips here on giving criticism.
Is most criticism really subjective? Even when we try to be objective, I have seen that there is still subjective attachment to our thoughts. I think that this has to do with everyone having different beliefs of how, what, where, when things should be said, done approached etc.
Is criticism useless if it’s based on a subjective expression? No way. A critic is giving you clues of something that can be improved most of the time. A good debate to have??
A good follow up to this post would be to dig into listening skills.
Very good post -
George
The presentation of our criticism might also be impacted by our facial expressions and by our body language. If we focus on the words we use and not on the overall delivery, we could subdue our subjectivity on one end while release it on the other.
Also, it occurs to me that just because I may offer you some criticism in an objective manner does not make that criticism warranted. There is a time and place for all things. On the one hand, if I just happen to disapprove of the way in which you are rearing your kids, well that’s none of my business – no matter how much love and TLC I use in addressing it with you. However, if we live in the same space and your child rearing practices could impact my own kids, then it become more relevant to me.
So, I think when we criticize others, we need to ask what is the reward. If the only reward is just to get it off our chest and make ourselves feel better, then it is probably something we should just keep to ourselves.
Thanks for this post. One thing I’d add is that I’ve found that interactions where I give criticism are most constructive when I take ownership of the fact that I’m expressing what I want. What I mean is saying something like “I’d like you to do this differently,” acknowledging that it’s my wants we’re talking about here, as opposed to “you should do this differently,” as if I’m God telling them the objective rules of the universe that they’ve broken.
i see now…
I’m really noticing when I give criticism. And avoiding it when I can, because I believe it’s not necessary. It also creates more drama, which I’m also avoiding.
Great points Hunter!
I’d like to add two quotes from the book ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’ by Dale Carnegie:
“It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.”
“Calling attention to one’s mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism.”
Cheers~
Mark