The connection between our self-esteem and what we get out of our lives is very crucial.  It’s the foundation of our confidence and interactions with ourselves and the outside world.

Having esteem for ourselves plays a part in our moods, beliefs and attitudes, and the quality of relationships we have in our lives.

For many of us, we strive to develop ourselves, feel better, and become better people.  Understanding what we can do to overcome the symptoms of low self-esteem is a great way to enhance more positives in our lives.

Generally, most of us face typical problems and the bouts of the blues that can come with them.  The great part is that it can be combated with little to no effort at all.

I’ve outlined some practical steps that can be implemented by mature and respectable individuals to increase their self-esteem and general well being.

1.  Identify The Issue

To feel better about ourselves we must become better people.  The first place we look to do so is inward.  Are we are the source of our own self-esteem issue(s)?

Often this is the case, however there may be instances where an external source (flat tire, family member, spouse, etc.) can be the cause, or throw a wrench into the mix.

Whether internal or external, the “why,” is not the most important part of this step.  It’s knowing and accepting that there is a concern and area of our lives that can be improved.

Once we are aware of what needs to be changed we can then create and embrace a plan to follow and take the proper action.  If the problem happens to be external we must confront it and work towards moving on to a beneficial resolution in the proper manner.

For the sake of this article and so that we do not cover too much ground, let’s presume the issue is internal, which brings us to our next tip.

2.  Managing Thoughts

Our thoughts are on the forefront of our feelings and emotions.  In addition to identifying the issues we face or struggle with on a daily basis, we want to identify our own thoughts about them.

We do this by keeping track of what may be holding us back from our full potential.  Hurtful self-talk like “I’m not good enough,” or “I’ll never be able to…” are both trademark signs of low self-esteem.

Start recognizing and taking inventory of how you think and speak to yourself.  This can get a little tricky since our thoughts are automatic and tripped by certain events, etc.

Some of us may have been internally beating ourselves up for so long that the defeating self-talk has moved on to become core beliefs.

Even if we’re on the extreme end of the spectrum, when we monitor our thoughts we can now manage them in a more efficient manner.  A common mistake made is accepting our negative thoughts, fears, and dis-beliefs, as reality – when in fact most are just false-perceptions.

3. Challenge Yourself

In respect to thoughts, think of challenging yourself in a different light than setting difficult goals or trying something new.

Practice the art of facing your fears, doubts and the limiting thoughts head on.  When we do this with vigor and consistency, we start to shape new habits that foster positive thoughts and logical perceptions.

“I can’t,” soon becomes “I’m currently trying to,” and there is a enormous difference between the two mindsets.

Remember that it’s perfectly alright to experience bad or negative circumstances.  They are inevitable and a part of life.  But by repeatedly challenging your perspective, rather than being consumed by them, we can manage to overcome and move beyond adversity more efficiently.

Also, utilize the traditional sense of challenging yourself, too.  Triumph and accomplishment spread like wildfire in terms of self-esteem.  When we reach new heights and conquer new goals our lives become enriched in new ways.

Now I’ll pass it on to you for your take on self-esteem.  Does it effect your ability to manage your business and personal relationships?  What about your overall mood or productivity throughout the day?  Please share your experiences in the comments section below.

Jason Anthony, founder of EvenMinds, is committed to inspiring others to design an extraordinary life, empower themselves, and improve their well being.  Get a free e-course on building a healthy and dynamic relationships just for signing up for the EvenMinds newsletter.

How do you relate to others? Is it through talking, games, work, or is it something else?

One of my worst habits in life is being shy. I’m wasn’t naturally attracted to meet with others. It wasn’t because I didn’t like people. It was because of my fear of how people would react. However, around the time I turned 16, I discovered that I had a strong desire to be with people. However, I was deathly shy.

I had no idea how to effectively relate to others. I just passively walked by, and wasn’t relating to others as I should I have. And I hated it. But why was this? Why wasn’t I able to relate to others, even though I desperately wanted?

It was simply because I was too passive.

Your Relationships are your choice

When we choose to relate with others, there are two ways we can do it; Actively or Passively.

I always allowed my parents to lead instead of attempting to build relationships. Another person was always leading my relationship

Passive relationships are ones that exist, but aren’t important to you. These are the relationships that we have with a local cashier, a mechanic you just met, or even friends you see every week at church. You might see each other often, but neither of you extend your relationship beyond your expected roles of co-workers or customer/seller.

An Active relationship is a relationship that you actively are trying to grow and expand on. These include parents, friends, family, and some co-workers. In these relationships, you are actively engaging the other, in order to enjoy and understand the other more.

Both of these relationship styles are a big part of our life. We need all of these relationships. However, Active relationships are the most essential relationship, because they fulfill our natural need for others.

It is the Active relationship that is the most scary. It is where we are more vulnerable and open. It’s where we are more likely to grow.

But too many of us are having only passive relationships because we are afraid of what comes with a true Active relationship: potential pain and broken hearts.

That doesn’t remove the importance of those relationships. However, we can improve and grow how many of these relationships we have.

Learning to Actively engage others

What’s the first step a person can take in building an Active relationship? All you have to do is invest in them.

When we engage with another person, we are choosing to actively invest our time into them. Self-development expert Stephen Covey on described this relational technique as “investing in their emotional bank”. Whenever we relate to others, we are either investing in their emotional bank account, or withdrawing from it. Obviously, when we want people to be interested in us, we need to remove as much personal cost from the others.

What’s the best way to do this? Simply ask questions about them. What person doesn’t love to talk about themselves? However, not every person wants to get to know you. So, asking good questions will help you figure out if these people are even interested in an Active relationship.

You must lead the way

This simple step will help you to build more Active relationships. We are naturally built with a need to Actively relate to people. That’s why we need to take time and meet others. But if you do this, you’ll not only work to find people who care, but you’ll find more fulfillment in all of your relationships.

Christopher Hutton is a Rivendell Sanctuary student and blogger at Liter8 Ideas. Liter8 Ideas is a “curiousity blog”, dedicated to the subject of “useful ideas that make you think”. You’ll find all sorts of ideas that will help you improve your life and your learning.

Do you know why so many people have trouble dealing with anxiety? Simply put, it boils down to a lack of perspective.  Most of us think of anxiety as something that’s irrevocably… out there; as though it were an ominous and invisible threat plotting against our well-being.

All too frequently, people conceive of anxiety as an external factor they cannot possibly control. Does that describe how you feel? Truth be told, this kind of reasoning is nothing but an excuse to remain a victim of anxiety. Even though there are a plethora of known anxiety causes that you can’t control directly, it’s often possible to alleviate the problem by tackling specific habits and attitudes which usually go hand in hand with anxiety.

You may not be aware of it, but there are common habits of the mind and body that you constantly indulge, which secretly add up to your anxiety. Tackling these causes of anxiety will by no means eradicate your problem, but it will help make it manageable. It will also help you realize that you’re not a victim of your inner turmoil, as much as you’re a co-creator of it.

Understanding the most common causes of pathological anxiety

Coffee: Often regarded as a harmless beverage, coffee is actually a highly additive anxiety-inducing drug; it makes people more alert, but it also makes them jittery and nervous. Anyone who suffers from anxiety disorder or any kind of pathological anxiety issues should absolutely avoid coffee. Substitute with herbal teas and you’ll soon feel much more in control.

Refined Sugars: Likewise with coffee, refined sugars are also quite widespread and very much additive. If you don’t believe it, try spending a week without ingesting any foods that contain refined sugars. Avoiding sugar is a real challenge; not only because it’s omnipresent, but also because you have grown used to having a daily fix…. which makes you feel better on the short term, but soon after induces irritability and anxiety. Just like any other drug.

Sedentary lifestyle: One of most common patterns among anxiety sufferers is leading a highly sedentary living with little to no physical activity. No surprises there! When you fail to provide an outlet for all the energy and tension coursing through your body, that energy will invariably fuel your feelings of anxiety. You need to get in the habit of tiring your body on a regular basis, because that will directly contribute to soothing and relaxing your mind.

Negative thinking: Most people who are adepts of negative thinking fail to realize so. This is unfortunate, because the on-going stream of negative thoughts is constantly fueling your feelings of anxiety and inadequacy. How could you possibly not suffer from anxiety, if your mind is constantly racing in negative loops? Try to become aware of your negative thinking, and make a commitment to dismiss those woeful clouds constantly surrounding you.

Sleep Deprivation: It’s amazing how people underestimate the importance of getting a good night’s sleep, even though they constantly experience the negative effects of sleep deprivation. You must realize that sleep plays a vital role in regulating your physical and emotional states; anything less than 7 hours per night is just not healthy and it will invariably bring you closer to the mental edge every day.

Stress: In this day and age, people should be taught how to deal with stress from an early age. Because left unmanaged, stress is a negative force that can cause real damage in your life. If you constantly feel as though you’re unable to cope with your responsibilities and if you have a really hard time keeping up with your routine… that could become one of the major sources of anxiety in your life. Find ways to improve your ability to deal with stress, and your peace of mind will soon be reinforced.

Victim Mindset: It’s very hard not to get caught up in the victim mindset when you have chronic anxiety problems. But when it happens, it will make you feel as though you are just irrevocably stuck with your anxiety issues. Please don’t buy such silly ideas! You are only a victim while you refuse dealing with your problems. And as you may have realized from reading this article, managing anxiety can be done in rather subtle and seemingly indirect ways.

Remember, anxiety is not your enemy. It’s not an invisible enemy waiting to get you. Anxiety is more of a consequence of your dissatisfaction, rather than a cause. Understand what’s sourcing this problem and do your best to deal with it; as you do so, you’ll be effectively undermining the power anxiety has over you, and it will gradually become easier to cope.

This guest post was authored by Pedro Cardoso, who is well versed on anxiety treatment options. He believes that anxiety problems are best dealt with by yielding rather than struggling. He would like to urge all anxiety sufferers to follow the path of least resistance and tackle the sources of anxiousness rather than its manifestations.

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You all know the old adage – “Music Hath Charms to Soothe the Savage Beast” – in actuality, it has been forever misquoted – it’s really “…to soothe the savage breast” –but either way, there can be no denying music’s power to change moods, and particularly from a somber or angry one – to happier.
Most people intuitively know that listening to music when they are feeling down or depressed can bolster their spirits. However recent research studies have shown that music, especially certain tones can clinically reduce stress. Music can alter brainwave patterns, as can yoga, deep breathing, and meditation – and bring on what is known as the Alpha State. Alpha is described as a state of deep relaxation, where the mind is totally stress-free and more open to problem solving. Using music to relax when dwelling on a particular problem then, may not only elevate your mood – but could help you reach that “a-ha” moment and find a solution.
Music has also been shown to increase the level of neurotransmitters such as serotonin, which are linked to mood. In this way music has been shown not only to make you feel good – but also, to be a great motivator. For example, during exercise, listening to music can keep you going, or get you to exercise more by helping you to ignore negative feelings of fatigue and focus on the pleasurable feelings you get from being absorbed in the music.

From Gregorian Chants to Gospel Music, there is a spiritual aspect to music that is undeniable. There is not a human culture in existence now or in antiquity that has not had music as part of religious ritual. There is even a belief that each of us has or can find his or her own “Power Song” that can help us to achieve all we want in life.

But beyond “The Search for the Lost Chord” – or the scientific rational of how or why music can change mood– music is at its most basic essence recorded emotion. When we listen to a piece of music we share the artist’s feelings on a visceral level. True, that can be sad, and who among us hasn’t put on a painful love song to share in the misery after a bad break-up. But, by the same token, we can share in the elation of songs of joy and happiness, or any song or piece of music that reminds us of a particular happy time in our past.

So next time you are feeling down, put on Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy” – or dust off your Bob Dylan albums – you may, or may not connect with the “Harmonic Vibrations of the Universe” but I bet you will feel a whole lot better about whatever it was that was bothering you!

Jason Harvey is the author of “Achieve Anything In Just One Year: Be Inspired Daily to Live Your Dreams and Accomplish Your Goals.” He is a Certified Life Coach and founder of the Limitless Institute, a non-profit organization that funds research into human motivation and personal development. Jason’s blogs offers advice, lessons and tips on personal development, motivation and happiness

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Why do you think you feel bad when you see a poor miserable homeless man in the street? Apart from feeling guilty for not helping poor people there are still some sad emotions that you will experience upon seeing anybody who suffers.

Do you know why you experience these emotions? It’s because you experienced some of the man’s pain at the moment you saw him.

We humans usually absorb some of the emotions of the person we are watching or listening to and then experience a change in our own mood even though nothing bad has happened to us, personally.

Emotions are communicated to the people we deal with

Why do you think you feel scared in horror movies when you see actors feeling scared? It’s because their emotions were communicated to you through their gestures and facial expressions.

Why do you think we like confident people? Confident people transfer their emotions to us and make us feel relaxed and calm.

On the other hand people who are anxious unconsciously transfer to us some of their anxiety and this makes us feel uneasy around them.

I am sure you have experienced being with someone who is overly stressed and then ended up being stressed out,  too!! In short, emotions are communicated to us by the people we deal with whether we notice it or not.

Research has proven that the same neurons in the brain that are responsible for a certain emotion fire while someone empathizes with someone else. This means that relationship partners who have high levels of empathy experience the emotions of each other most of the time and that’s why they end up looking alike after a while.

Lots of people wonder why do intimate couples look alike and one of the theories that explains this phenomenon is that people who continuously get exposed to the same emotions start to look alike because emotions have impact on the face features on the long run.

This is also a very strong reason to find yourself a role model in your life so that you can learn from him. While watching your role model you will experience the same emotions he is experiencing and your personality will start to get closer to his personality.

Avoid the absorption of bad emotions

Lots of people experience a change in mood without knowing why and in many cases the change in mood Is just a result of absorbing someone else’s emotions. After knowing how emotions affect communication you should do the following in order to have a good mood:

• Avoid negative people If possible: because they will unintentionally transfer their emotions to you
• Keep an eye on your own emotions: So that you don’t confuse them with the emotions you absorb from other people
• Act confident : When you act confidently people will feel relaxed around you and you will have better social relations

It was found that people who aren’t depressed start to experience depressive thoughts and emotions when they accompany depressed people for a long period of time!!

One of the theories that explains that transfer of emotions between people states that emotions are chemical reactions that take place inside the brain and the products of these chemical reactions results in heat that moves the air molecules and sends the emotions to near by people.

Of course I am not asking you to avoid a friend in need or someone who is in intense need for help but at least you should avoid all unnecessary interactions that could have a negative impact on your mood.

Lots of people who talk about happiness give very simple advices such as repeat positive affirmations or accept yourself but those people might have not noticed that human emotions are much more complex than that and that happiness can only achieved when you combine all parts of the puzzle. One part of the happiness puzzle is to avoid negative people, complete the rest of the puzzle and you will experience real happiness.

M.Farouk Radwan is a guest is Guest Blogger for Pickthebrain and the founder of 2KnowMyself.com – The Ultimate source for self understanding, with 9 Million visitors and counting!

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“Ghost Stories” courtesy of Nendo/Wallpaper

“I see dead people.”

Do you remember the film that came from? It was the The Sixth Sense and the little boy was Haley Joel Osment.

There is a good chance that you see them too. Really.  They may not have zombie faces or hide under the bed in the shadows but I guarantee – you do see them.

And possibly all the time.

What do I mean?

Well, first I don’t mean that you see ghosts or spirits. I’m talking real people who you have known.

Kooky?

Only for a minute. Read on.

Have you ever wondered how you determine the quality and importance of the relationships you have with people in your life? (I just ‘know’ is not good enough here.)

How do you know?

• Who is important in your life?
• Who is not?
• Who you are close to?
• Who you are not?
• Who you fear?
• Whom you feel powerful around?

How do you know? Why is it important to learn how you know?

Generally, when life is sweet and you get on with everyone, it doesn’t really matter.

But…it becomes important when a relationship with another person is significantly affecting you or affecting them – and you need to know how to change the dynamic between you so you can feel and relate to them differently.

It becomes even more important if that person is no longer alive.

Then you are seeing dead people. And it’s a problem.

Do you know anyone who is still controlled by the memory of an overbearing deceased parent, or who responds badly to certain members of people groups because of an experience they had in the past?

I know someone whose parent (now deceased) tried to crush any spirit of independence out of them because of the parent’s inability to cope with ideas different than their own.

However, for years after the parent died the person continued to relate to people in their life in terms of the way the parent had treated them. It took years of counselling and cognitive change work to update their references for how more ‘normal’ people related to each other.

So what is going on?

Each and every one of us carries everyone we know around us in what Lucas Derks calls our ‘social panorama’. This is a psychological type of personal space, created from inside our head, but projected around us like holograms that are invisible to everyone except us.

Don’t believe me? Try it for yourself.

So, imagine for a minute that all the people who you have ever come into contact with (and your concepts of those you haven’t) are stored in a psychological landscape around you (your psycho-scape).  They are in front of you, behind you, to the left and to the right, far away, near, floating above you, and standing as tiny figures below you. Yes, I know this sounds a bit weird but it gets weirder because it is true!

Ask yourself: Where is my mother in relation to me? Point to her. Even if you can’t ‘see’ her in your mind’s eye, point to her.

Now your father.

Now any brothers and sisters.

Now your best friends.

Notice how near or far they are from you, Is there anyone you are currently feeling ‘distant from’? Chances are they are located physically further away from you than someone you feel ‘close to’

(Isn’t it fascinating that our words reflect our internal experience?)

The people you know (whether dead or alive) exist as living memories in your head. And when you change how you re-represent the memories to yourself, you change the quality and meaning of the relationships you have with them in your head.

Yes, you can stop that person who bullied you at school from still affecting your confidence in speaking up.

You can forget that ex-boyfriend or girlfriend more easily.

You can change your relationship with authority figures.

So you want to know how?

The basics are very easy. Pick someone whom you don’t feel like you have an equal relationship with. Or you feel intimidated by.

1. Ask yourself “Where about’s is this person in relation to me?” Either close your eyes, or just point to where you sense they are.

How big are they in relation to you? It doesn’t matter if they are actually taller than you, just identify if they are taller in your head.

How close or far away?

Are they facing you?

2. If they are facing you, use your imagination to turn them away. If they are too close to you, move then away – try 50 feet for starters.

3. If they are bigger than you, shrink them down. Try the same height as you to start with, and then make them really, really small. And adjust as necessary.

4. If you want them out of your life, put them way past the horizon.

Now I don’t guarantee this will work every time for everyone. There are sometimes higher frames of mind that prevent the change from sticking and that’s when you need help from an experienced coach (like me!!).

Never-the-less, spend some time playing around with the sizes and locations of the people you know. For example, if you want to feel closer to someone, identify a person (perhaps your best friend) who you are close to and move the new person next to or very close to the best friend. How does that feel?

Sometimes, groups of people are represented as symbols. I have an amusing story about this one. I did some exploratory work with a guy who had an attitude with the police. When he looked inside his social panorama he saw a giant pig looming over him (In our country, ‘pig’ is a derogatory term for policeman) and started laughing.

There is a lot more to say about the Social Panorama but it is a fascinating subject. Start experimenting and remember you can always put people back where you found them. You can also get the book Social Panoramas which has a lot more explanations and exercises.

You now have a tool to change some of the dynamics between you and those you carry around with you!

If YOU are a professionals who procrastinates, then give me a call about a free Explore your Breakthrough session. I helped ambitious people (in most walks of life) get unstuck, start moving and taking action. You can find the details at www.livingwords.net/freeintro.html

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You might think the reason I chose this title was to grab your attention but the truth is that several experiments* have been conducted on animals with the purpose of discovering how the brain works and how the results can be used to improve humans life – proving once more that animals are a lot more than just Man’s best friend.

Many animals have similar systems to the ones we have, and by applying the results of some of the experiments to  human beings have uncovered several methods of improving human life.

The monkeys that learned fear:

Monkeys that don’t fear snakes were introduced to some snakes while being forced to listen to loud, scary noises. Some monkeys learned to fear snakes as a result of this experiment but what’s more astonishing is that when monkeys that didn’t fear snakes were allowed to see the fear response of monkeys that fear snakes they learned how to fear snakes too!!!

Conclusion: We learn to fear things when we associate them with another event, for example a child might fear darkness after associating it with the noisy sound that happened when his mother slammed the door of a dark room.

Moreover, if a child watched an adult reacting with fear to a certain situation the child will develop fear too!!

The frog that died in the boiling water:

When a group of frogs were thrown in boiling water they jumped out of the pot very quickly and managed to survive. However, when the same frogs were put into cold water that was slowly heated, all of them perished when the water came to a boil, because they didn’t have time to react

Conclusion: We can feel sudden changes but when the change happens over time we don’t feel it until it is too late. People don’t develop bad habits over night nor do they experience severe behavior changes in a short period of time but everything happens bit by bit.

The Rats that failed to swim:

A researcher brought some wild rats, ones that are known to be able to swim for 80 hours continuously, then frightened them by making them believe that they were stuck before throwing them in water.

Many of the wild rats died after a few minutes of swimming! The rats didn’t drown due to lack of ability but at some point they just gave up swimming and died!!

When the rats felt in control they were able to swim for many hours but as soon as they felt that they were not in control they lost hope and drowned.

Conclusion: When we feel in control we can reach our maximum potential, while if we feel out of control we give up trying even if we have the required skills.

The dogs that learned to be helpless:

Few dogs were placed in room that has a switch that can either turn on electric current and shock the dogs or turn it off. When the dogs were first shocked they kept jumping around until one dog pushed the switch and discovered that the electric current stopped.

Later on whenever the electric shock was turned on the dogs rushed to turn it off using the switch. These dogs were split into two groups where the first group remained in the same room while the second one was placed in a similar one that had a faulty switch.

When the second group was shocked the dogs tried to push the switch but nothing happened. The second group of dogs were returned to the first room then were shocked again but this time they never tried to push the switch!!!

The dogs learned to become helpless as a result of feeling helpless after pushing the faulty switch!!

Conclusion: No one is born helpless but we learn how to become helpless when we face certain situations that we fail to deal with. Always try to do something about your problems because if you didn’t act you might develop learned helplessness!!

*this article is not in any way an endorsement of animal testing

Farouk Radwan is a Guest Blogger for PickTheBrain and the founder of 2KnowMyself.com – The ultimate source for self understanding  9,000,000 Million visits and counting…

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In my last piece I outlined the place that the sale of fear is taking in our life. I noted the role fear plays in creating illness. I highlighted the major role of particularly guilty industries: the pharmaceutical companies, politicians, insurance companies and the news and advertising media, to name just five. These are entities that go out of their way to create a culture of fear to sell their products.

Because it is not a one-way street, however, this is not the whole story. Here in FEAR II, I outline the role we play in putting our self at the mercy of fear and dread and the personal responsibility we must own to manage these feelings. If you are interested, I explain this in greater detail, with clinical examples, in my book.

The first difficult and complex reality is that fear and dread are a very large and significant part of being human. These feelings and others, like a sense of doom, are essential elements of the human experience. Repeat this to yourself: “If I want to be fully human then I accept that fear and dread are a part of what I am.” Only by accepting this can you utilize your essential inner energy and at the same time ward off salesmen selling you more fear. You already have a plentiful supply.

The second reality is inherently more difficult to acknowledge. This is because most of us spend so much time trying to rid ourselves of fear or trying to avoid fear all together. In doing this we are denying the reality that it is quite normal to feel profoundly scared every day. If you have no sense of this you are likely cutting yourself off from your feelings and the vital energy and creativity that goes with them.

The third part, the hardest, is to realize how much it is in your interest to look into your own doom enclosed as you are as a physical entity. Close your eyes and stare into the abyss, the dark, the nothingness, the end, the loneliness, the abandonment, the sense of fading away, the terror that is in you. It is here, often to your shock, that you will find the light and source of energy that shines most brightly.

When, shaking with fear, you accept your fear the next step is to look it in the eye. Allowing your self this experience several times a day will ease your being at the mercy of your lower consciousness feelings. Doing this is only useful, of course, if you otherwise get on with what you WON’T and what you WILL do each day while accepting this experience as only one important part of feeling alive as you live. This practice frees you from being manipulated by the authoritarian voices in your own head or the voices outside who would encourage you to not feel, to look away, to seek safety and security, or conversely to attack, seek revenge, or retaliate against yourself or others.

Remember, finally, this decision, is a choice: to LOVE and BE WELL, or act out on your feelings as if you are a separate, isolated, strange specter alone with your ghoulish thoughts and fears. This you will recognize is the essence of all vampire, monster, horror and slasher books and films. This is commonly known as evil.

To know it, our fears and our dread, so we may contain it within ourselves, is to not inflict it on others, but instead to put it into the world in art or symbols of art, narratives or images. This allows us to then take it back inside our self in a more refined and less terrifying version. Here we may know our feelings and our self with comfort again.

This all, of course, depends on our having had a necessary amount of affectionate holding by parents or parent substitutes. If you have not had this amount of holding a therapist may be able to help you develop a sense of safety inside yourself. If you did have security as a child and you follow the practice outlined you will see that you think you are afraid of the forest, the dark and nothingness but you are really afraid of ‘nothing’. And, of course how can ‘nothing’ be fearful, except in the sense Augustine and Nietzsche said evil is ‘no-thing’.

As words are also not things, the words you choose will determine the thoughts that lead to your actions; this in turn will lead to consequences in terms of your peace of mind and your overall health and creativity.

If you choose to LOVE and BE WELL, then each day, morning and night, take a moment, close your eyes, let yourself relax, breath in and out, then say:

I WON’T deny my fears.

I WON’T let others project fear into me.

I WILL accept my doubts and fears.

I WILL extend love to the world.

I AM light and energy and LOVE in the midst of all darkness.

Dr. Clark Falconer is a Guest Blogger for PickTheBrain. He is a practicing Psychiatrist from Vancouver, Canada and the author of the new, critically acclaimed book The Three Word Truth About Love And Being Well. To receive daily tips on the power of words follow Clark on Twitter.

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Words That Heal and Empower

As a graduating engineer myself, I have often found myself hard pressed to solve a particular problem. Everyone experiences these kinds of situations more or less frequently, and even though every single mind has its methods and nuances in how it approaches problem solving in general, there are common pitfalls that everyone seems to fall into. I would theorize this phenomena is related to the structure of thought itself – our highly pattern-based thinking is optimized by evolution to solve certain problems, which comes at a cost. Exploring the biological and physical origins of these phenomena, while certainly interesting, will not be pursued in this short essay, both due to my lack of qualifications on those subjects and the goal of the writing of the essay. What I do intend is to provide insight into some the top three common pitfalls, so you may recognize them when you inevitably run into them. If the short time it takes to read this essay spares someone an afternoon of head-banging, then it will already have been worth it.

As the astute reader will notice throughout the essay, most (but not all) of these pitfalls are related to thinking habits and employment of otherwise good thinking strategies to the wrong problems. At every pitfall I will try to provide an illustrative example, and I’m sure more than a few readers will remember themselves in past experiences where they, too, walked in circles in a frustrating battle against a seemingly unsolvable problem of the same nature. I would also like to point out that in most cases an equilibrium must be found, as for every pitfall there is also the opposite equivalent. Having that said, I’ll begin by exposing a well known thinking flaw.

1^st Pitfall: I can’t see the forest for the trees. (“Why don’t you just walk to work?”)

We all know this proverb – it applies to situations where people get so caught up in the details of a problem, they lose sight of the problem itself. Not surprisingly, this is a very common occurrence. Let’s exemplify: imagine you don’t have a car, and conclude it would be nice to have one so you don’t have to walk 3 km to work every morning. Having that in regard, you begin saving for a car, perhaps even getting a part-time job in addition to your current job, so you can realistically have enough money for a car in a reasonable amount of time. Your part time job hardly pays off though, and you barely have time for yourself between the two jobs! You survive a few months of this until some caring soul asks you the why of all that trouble. And when you tell him, he formulates the question above.

So what was the pitfall here? The character in question tried to solve a problem, which was a mild discomfort caused by a long daily walk. When he began to take the necessary steps to solve it, he ended up in a much worse situation overall, and the worst part, he didn’t notice how the solution he came up with was at odds with his original intent! I’m sure everyone has experienced some more or less severe version of this problem. The pitfall is caused by two distinct factors: the first is a thinking pattern which we are used to. “Divide and Conquer” is a well known maxim and a strategy that we instinctively apply (in the soft sense; whether it actually stems from our instincts or from our education is a quest I’ll leave up to the interested reader). It consists in breaking up a large problem into subproblems we can tackle. However, when sight of the original problem is lost, contradictory paths end up being taken. You might end up breaking something in order to fix it, working more in an attempt to work less, or losing money in an attempt to save it. The second factor is simply forgetting what you were trying to achieve in the first place. This might happen if a certain problem requires a solution that is too widely spread over a great period of time.  The principle by which you avoid this is simple: always make sure you know why you are doing what you’re doing. Otherwise, you might have just thrown a lot of time and work off the window, and, in the worst case, you’ll only notice you’ve been driving down the wrong road when you hit the dead end.

Of course, the opposite side of the coin is that really energetic guy that tries to solve world hunger overnight. The issue is that “Divide and Conquer” really is a very useful strategy, and few work would be done if not for this simple yet powerful maxim. One just needs to make sure everything is kept in perspective at all times (or at least, when frustration starts to kick in!).

2^nd Pitfall: Imposing Arbitrary Restrictions. (The Gordian Knot Syndrome)

The Gordian Knot is a well-known myth: in the third century BC, an oracle prophesied that the one that could untie a particularly complicated knot would become the king of Asia. Many tried, but none succeeded at untying the knot – until Alexander the Great himself came and took the challenge. He solved the problem by taking his sword and cutting the knot in half. Another known variant is the Egg of Columbus, where Columbus succeeds in making an egg stand, feat which the sages present had failed to achieve, by breaking the bottom of the egg slightly (or in other versions, by balancing it on a small pile of salt). This type of problems (and there are a good amount of examples coming from advanced research departments!) often stump even the greatest problem solvers; for problems are already difficult on their own, and when one adds (unnecessary) restrictions unconsciously, they become harder or even impossible to solve. Of course, the stories always include problems where the solution was really obvious; that’s not how this pitfall presents itself most often, though. The most common scenario is a difficult problem becoming more difficult because of restrictions imposed by the problem solvers themselves (although unknowingly). This pitfall stems from prejudice (not in the pejorative sense), or generalizing, the inductive process in general[1]. While that is the feature of our thinking processes that allows us to make useful and practical conclusions (as deduction doesn’t ever produce new information per se), as well as making thinking a lot more efficient by cutting off the least unlikely scenarios automatically, it may also be the source of what seems like an unsolvable problem. Take this lateral thinking problem for instance:

“A little girl was warned by her guardian never to open the cellar door, or she would see things that she was not meant to see. One day, while her guardian was out, she did open the cellar door. What did she see? “

Think for a while before you move on, even if you don’t come to a solution – the important here is that you realize how our prejudices can become an obstacle. Most readers will probably have difficulties in solving this problem. If not, congratulations – you most likely won’t experience this pitfall frequently. For the rest of us, we have to keep an eye out.

So, imagine you’re dealing with what seems an unsolvable problem. After a lot of eaten nails, it might be wise to think about the problem itself. Is the problem really that hard are you making it harder? You will be surprised how often the latter comes up. By the way, the solution of the problem presented earlier is that the girl opened the door and saw the garden through the window – she had never gone outside the cellar as her parents kept her inside it at all times. The key realization of the problem is that the girl is inside the cellar, not outside, which for most is a very hard jump to take – our thinking habits invariably place her on the wrong side of the door.

3^rd Pitfall: Not Having a Proper Plan of Action. (“Why was I doing this in the first place?”)

And we come to the last (but not any less frequent) pitfall in problem solving. Fortunately or unfortunately, everyone has to consistently deal with problems that can’t be tackled without first delineating a plan. However, society has become very impatient – so much that a lot of people come to a fight bare-handed. Our planning skills are one of our greatest intellectual assets, and even the most advanced intelligent systems strive to make a good impression of human brain planning. Yet we still try to avoid using those skills as much as possible – everyone talks about “getting their hands busy”. Not having a proper course of action is the greatest cause of wasted effort – why not spend a little time thinking about what we’re going to do next, so you make sure its relevant?

My perception is that this pitfall often occurs as a result of an incorrect assessment of a task’s complexity. We have a task that seems rather simple and try to tackle it directly (let’s say we were trying to fix the latest computer crash). We think the task is simple, when in reality it isn’t. There’s nothing wrong with incorrectly determining a problem’s complexity – it can be as hard as the problem itself. Now the pitfall is that, too often, our stubbornness kicks in here and we continue to try solving the problem without a plan – even though we’re clearly aware of the task’s true complexity by now. Of course, we’ll probably stop a few hours later, sweating frustration by every pore. And then we’ll delineate a plan. To avoid this we should, when faced with a problem of greater complexity than expected, stop and reevaluate our position and plans (even if you had a good plan already). It will surely consume much less time and resources than having to change it later anyway.

Here, the opposite side of the spectrum is getting over-analytical. There are a lot of tasks that can be solved outright – no need to waste time making a storm out of a cup of water. However, if you’re already 3 hours down trying to solve that “simple” problem, I assure this won’t be the case at all.

Conclusions:

I hope this short essay will help the readers avoid frustration in everyday problem solving. The whole premise of the essay is that our thinking patterns, just like our emotions, become much more manageable when we understand their form and causes. The pitfalls I  covered here are very common, and I’m also sure everyone has come to recognize personal pitfalls they themselves have to watch for. Analyzing these pitfalls, figuring when they come up, why, and how to avoid them is a quick path towards self awareness and increased productivity, which naturally comes in inverse proportion to frustration.

David Baptista is Guest Blogger for PickTheBrain. This is his first guest post, so show him some LOVE!

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Before I began to write, I didn’t fully understand the effects of the past on the present.  Instead, for years, the past appeared in my mind’s eye like faded black-and-white photographs, in which no one, especially me, seemed to be fully alive.

Growing up, I lived a double life.  On the face of it, we seemed like a normal, happy family:  My father had an important career.  We lived in nice houses and wore pretty clothes.  But all this seeming perfection was a veneer, masking the reality that my father sexually molested me, a reality never spoken aloud.

Later, as an adult, I continued to live a double life: this time as a sex addict.  Again, in public, I appeared normal, with a seemingly good marriage.  No one knew that the shiny façade hid dark secrets: I cheated on my husband.

Then I started putting words on the page.  Finally, I chose to examine my past.

In Fearless  Confessions: a Writer’s Guide to Memoir, I encourage you, and you, and you, to explore, through writing, your life, as well.  Whether your childhood was traumatic or not, whether your current life is in disarray, chances are you do have a story to tell.  Whether, say, you’re figuring out a divorce, taking notes about a recent illness, exploring the disruption caused by a parent in the military, or worrying about a visit with an estranged mother, we write memoir to better understand ourselves, as well as to bring a reader with us on our journeys.

Here are five reasons why your life will be improved by writing a memoir, by telling your own story:

One:  Memoir Helps You Understand the Past

I gain much clearer insights about my past when I write, then if I simply sit around thinking about it, in the abstract.  What was the relationship between the sex addiction and being molested by my father?  How did the past cause such emotional devastation?  I discovered the answers to these important questions through the written word.

Writing is a way to interact with—and interpret—the past.  It helps us make sense of events, whether they are traumatic, joyful, or maybe just confusing.  Writing sharpens our senses so that images and details from the past emerge in a new context, one that illuminates events for ourselves as well as for our readers.

Two:  Memoir Organizes Your Life

Just living my life day by day, I never stop long enough to question events.  There’re errands to run, meals to cook—to say nothing of emotional clutter!  Who has time to stop and think about events swirling around us?

Only when I put my everyday life on hold, so to speak, sit down at my computer and write, can I even begin to see a pattern to the rush-and-tumble of life.

Memoir writing, gathering words onto pieces of paper or on a computer, helps us shape our lives.  By discovering plot, arc, theme, and metaphor, we give our lives an organization, a frame, which they would not otherwise have.  Memoir creates a narrative, a life story.

Three:  Memoir Helps You Discover Your Life Force

Before I wrote, while I kept secrets, I didn’t feel as if I were really living my life.  I didn’t have a clear grasp as to who I was.  What, and who, was the essence of “me”?  There are thousands of other incest survivors.  How was my story different?

When writing, if I forge even one good sentence on any given day, I have discovered a kernel of emotional truth.  I feel that life force of “me,” as if it’s my pulse.  To write is to give birth to a more complete self.

There is only one of you.  Your voice is unique.  If you don’t express yourself, if you don’t fully explore who you are, that essence of you will be lost.

Four:  Memoir Helps Others to Heal

One thing I most love about writing memoir, is that it affords me the opportunity to meet many courageous people, still struggling.

For example, after I completed a reading at a library in Athens, Georgia, one woman waited until everyone else had departed.  Approaching me, she was so scared she began to cry.  She confided that I was the first person she’d told that her father had molested her.  She was too traumatized even to tell a therapist.  Why did she confide in me, trust me?  Simply because I had written my story.  Through this meeting, both of us were empowered.

Five:  Confessing, through Memoir, is Good for the Soul

Telling family secrets—any intimate secret—can be scary.  Finally, however, I reached a place where not telling the secrets was worse.  I felt heavy, weighted down.  Finally, then, it was more a relief to write my life, then ignore it.  So even though at times I felt scared or uncomfortable, I ultimately felt a sense of release and power.

In short, with every word the pain lessened.  It was as if I extracted it, one word at a time.

As you challenge yourself, you’ll feel more courageous every day. Writing memoir energizes your psyche, nourishes your soul.

Sue William Silverman is a Guest Blogger for PickTheBrain.  memoir, Love Sick: One Woman’s Journey through Sexual Addiction (Norton), is also a Lifetime TV movie.  Her first memoir, Because I Remember Terror, Father, I Remember You, won the AWP award in creative nonfiction.  She teaches at the Vermont College of Fine Arts and has appeared on such programs as The View and Anderson Cooper – 360.  Her most recent book is Fearless Confessions: A Writer’s Guide to Memoir.  Please visit www.suewilliamsilverman.com.

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